Will We Live By Formula or Faith? Desperate, Chapter 3

 

Formulas Don't always Work, but they can sure make us feel like we are accomplishing something!

In this chapter of Desperate, we are touching the issues that so many moms talk about--if I could just find the right book or formula to answer all of my situations.  However, this search for the magic bullet can only end in frustration, as God did not design this as the answer to our questions in mothering.

Do you ever have voices in your head?

A good mom would.....fill in the blank.

My children were potty trained by 12 months, and if you were disciplined, you would do the same..

My children never whine, yours always do....

You should keep a cleaner house if you were really committed.

You are too lenient on your children, you need to spank them more.

You are too harsh with your children, and you will cause them to rebel.....

And on and on and on.

I used to hear voices and almost all of them made me feel condemned, as though I wasn't mothering the right way or doing the right things enough.

And then there were these 4 children of mine, differing in personality and different heart issues, different developmental time frames. So many issues that I just thought if I knew the right rule or had a better day timer or the right book or curriculum, I would get it right!

And then with all the letters I receive,  there are so many days I would like to be able to offer blanket advice to everyone I meet.

If you do things just so, it will all turn out all right and your children will obey happily and walk with God and never do anything wrong. Wouldn't that be dreamy?

It seems to me that there are many wisdom principles in scripture, but very, very little advice of an exact nature. God is vague on so many issues--intentionally so! He gives us great freedom to live into our own personalities, our own puzzle and to apply wisdom in our own creative ways.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying not to train your children. God very specifically gave us so much wisdom to follow and laws that would protect us and guide us--but they were few.

He tells us to speak to our children every day about Him--the great shema of scripture in Deuteronomy 6:4-9:

Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

He tells us to train up our children in the way they should go. And evidently a lot of training is just talking--throughout the day according to what the issue of the moment is--at night when they go to bed and are asking questions. In the day when they are learning about work, relationships, truth. We are to have His words on our own heart and then from our heart we will teach them out of a well of wisdom that comes from what our own heart is cherishing--His words. Wisdom personalized every day, according to the need of the moment.

He gives us a commandment to teach our children; that they must honor their mother and father. He tells us in Ephesians to raise up our children in the training and instruction of the Lord.

But He does not ever say, "Spank for 45 minutes. Carry a paddle or switch in your purse to be sure you don't miss any offense or you will be responsible for their demise." (I am so grateful He doesn't correct every single sin or immature act I perform or I would just give up now!)

He doesn't say, "Quiet times are so much more effective before 7 in the morning" or "Women have no ability to teach young men." (Have you seen Proverbs 8 or 9 or read about Timothy?)

Or "You can tell a woman's spirituality by looking at whether their drawers are neat and clean on the inside." (Really? What chapter and verse is that?)

He doesn't even say "All children will learn best if they study Latin or Hebrew." (Whew!)

 I often have women who say, "How did you raise your children? What rules did you keep? Why do they love you and love the Lord and how did you teach them to trust you?"

 As far as I can tell, scripture tells us that it is faith, not works, that pleases God. (Hebrews 11:6)

Your family is your own particular puzzle. God has given you those children, that husband, that home and community, in this time. And no one else can tell you exactly what you ought to do in it! But He is faithful and He desires to help and instruct you as you walk with Him. A list of rules and regulations to follow--do things this way, every time, with every child, in every circumstance!--would only serve as a separation between you and your need to communicate and obey His personal instructions to you.

We have great freedom in Christ. Don't give it up for a yoke of slavery to any thing, any one, or any set of rules! Being a great mom is not about rules or formula--it is more like a dance--moving to the rhythms of life, listening and paying attention to the mood of the music in your children's lives and choreographing wisdom as the words to the song.

Your God is truly bigger than a rule, wilder and cannot be tamed and He wants us to walk this adventure by faith and celebrating life within the bounds of our own personalities and those of our husbands and children.

Look for His voice, not the voices of others, and you will find yourself growing in contentment, grace and even joy.

What are some of the formulas you have followed that have led to legalism?

What area do you most wish you had a formula to apply?

Do you struggle with "the voices"? How do you replace these voices with real wisdom?

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Renewing Your Habits--Experiencing God's Grace

Snow can be beautiful the first time, and the second, ...., but eventually it feels just cold and wearing!

Come February, many of us have decided resolutions are for the birds. We've already failed to eat only whole grains, or drink enough water, or exercise 30 minutes every day.

Many years ago when I had hit my own wall during a particularly draining time, I looked at my life and thought, "How am I still doing this? No one knows how hard my life is. I'm still waiting for answers to prayer, for changes in other people in areas where they rub too hard against my ideals and desires, for my life to get a little easier. I have friends who are leaving their ideals because they're just worn out. Can I go on?"

I didn't want to just get to heaven with my hair flying every which way, nostrils flaring, gasping out, "Well, I made it! Barely, but I made it!" and then collapse just over the finish line!

As I sat on the bench that day, a sudden movement caught my eye. In the center of the square where I was reflecting, a young boy was dancing. His head was back, arms spread, and he was twirling in utter abandon. The look on his face was priceless--he was so full of joy! Unaware of anyone else, he danced among the falling leaves, perfectly happy.

Then I heard the Lord speak to my heart and say, "That's what I want for you. I want you to be like a child. I don't want you to bear the burdens of your life. I want you to live a life of joy."

So the question becomes, what do we need to do, so we won't lose our ideals--so we won't arrive gasping at the gates of heaven?

Godliness,wisdom, graciousness, joy ... these are qualities we want to have, and they don't happen by accident! They must be cultivated intentionally. We must develop habits that will help us build a foundation in our own lives to receive and experience and pass along His grace in our lives.

How do we experience God's gracious heart? His grace flows from channels He created us to experience! But we must make time for His provision and priorities if we are too busy following the world's dictates.

Some of the most necessary habits for us to have are these that determine how we live and invest for life each day, because they help us to live and finish well. Here are just a few of the habits I have found to be most important.

The habit of rest

We see one such habit displayed and modeled for us very early on in the Bible--so early, it happened in the very first week of time!--that of a Sabbath rest.

God intends for us to stop and rest. Contrary to all the commercials for this and that product made to help you keep going despite your cold, your exhaustion or your depression, the truth is that God understands and wants us to sometimes take a break from all the activity happening around us. The Hebrews were given a law about setting one day a week aside for rest; they were forbidden to do work of any kind. Jesus told us that that Sabbath rest was made for us--not to impose another burden but rather as a rhythm of life that would encourage us to rest.

In our home, we decided to be very intentional about making every Sunday a special day of rest and fun. Sunday breakfast feast and coffee and community. We have a delectable treat for teatime. Board games come out, mystery series to watch, going out with friends to a local cafe at night,  glorious naps, and we have lively conversations where nothing serious or stressful is allowed! Resting from worry and strife and work helps us meet Mondays with renewed strength!

An important part of rest is making time for soul recreation--no blog articles, no cleaning, no bill paying--just some time every week that is a break, fun, enjoyable to fill your soul. I love movies, books, walks--(walking anywhere in nature soothes my soul), tea time with a friend (or coffee), trips and adventures, time to just sit-and not feel guilty for sitting.

I think sometimes we stay busy because we are insecure. The voices in our heads tell us we are supposed to do all that our friends are doing, even if it leaves us in a frenzy. We have developed the idea that if we stop--if we don't meet the needs of everyone around us, every second of the day--if we don't answer the phone and take that position at church and and and --the world will stop on its axis, and somehow we will be disappointing God.

Busyness does not equal productivity,  accomplishment, or excellence.

Pacing ourselves, through regular rest and intentional inactivity, insures that we will have the strength to finish our course and hold on to ideals. Burn-out is a real issue amongst many women I know because they have not learned to rest and to have a break. And the funny thing is, often when we are burning out, we blame it on God, who would have had us rest all along!

Surely, I have composed and quieted my soul;

Like a weaned child rests against his mother,

My soul is like a weaned child within me." ~Psalm 131:2

The habit of time in God's Word

You can't be spiritually deep if you never take time to interact with the spirit of God. The more you spend time with God, the more like God you will be.

Peace is a fruit of the Spirit. Yet, peace is only possible if we have been in the presence of God long enough to see our lives from His perspective and to rest in His will and ability to provide what we need. We cannot provide peace by our works and by trying to fill our own needs. We run around in circles when we do not have God's perspective, priority and direction.

I think many people think they can't spend time with God correctly (whatever that means!) because they just can't find time in their days for an hour of concentrated time. Yet even a few minutes at a time adds up! Just as walking a little further through the parking lot on your way to the store, just a few minutes on the treadmill, one more glass of water--all add up to help you toward health, we can also take moments of our day and offer them to God and they will add up! God doesn't just sit near our armchair from 5-6am every morning waiting to meet with us and then shake His head, disappointed, and go on to run the universe! He is always there and He loves to meet us in our moments.

Just as a father has compassion on his children, So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust." ~ Psalm 103:13-14

The enemy would like to destroy every woman of ideals, because each of us has the potential to change history as we persevere.

There are so many other habits-- fellowship, prayer, gratitude, initiating friendship-- that can help you better know and experience God's grace in your life. I discussed them at the 2010 MomHeart conference, and you can listen to that very talk to hear them all! You can find it here as an instant download for only $2.99: Renewing Your Habits.

I pray that you will join me in determining to draw near to the heart of God, who loves us and gave Himself for us, who paints beautiful sunsets and fed multitudes and loved children and created music, that you too will develop habits to help you experience His grace and love and pass them along to everyone around you.

Making the Best of Your Own Marriage Story as you Celebrate Life

 

“Above all, be fervent in your love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sin.” ~ 1 Peter 1:8

Most marriages start out with at least some idealism and romantic expectation. Mine was no different. Clay won me with bouquets of yellow rose (I was his yellow rose of Texas), romantic cards, and lots of dinners out.

And then there was life---17 moves, 6 internationally; four children and three miscarriages,  morning sickness all nine months of every pregnancy, near-death from blood loss during one miscarriage after which I had to be in bed for 2 months... yes, life. We have had deaths of family members, car wrecks, financial challenges, illness, a fire in our home as well as three floods, church splits, relative problems, ministry problems, and lots and lots of stress.

Nothing quite prepared me, as a very immature, untrained young woman, to know how to bear all of the stresses we would face just by being a family.

And yet, I had been taught to seek God’s word, to pray and to obey and live in wisdom. Early on, I learned that my marriage was a place of worship where I could either seek to bring God’s love, healing and grace every day because of my love for Him, or I could just live as a hypocrite and say that I was committed to God and would serve Him---except in marriage, because that was just asking too much! 

I think there is a point when godly women have to say, “This is the reality of the puzzle I had been given in my life and in my marriage. I can either live and bring light, life, beauty and redemption into the situation and to this husband—with all of his flaws and all of my warts, and decide to show God’s reality in the midst, or I can live in disappointment"—because the reality in a fallen world is that there will always be stress and sin.

All children long to see their moms and dads love each other and be partners in life. The reality is that all marriages are filled with potential challenges and difficulty. Yet, how a woman responds to those difficulties within her marriage will determine if it is a place where the light and beauty of God’s love will be shown.

"Love covers a multitude of sin." " Love is a perfect bond of unity." " They will know you are My disciples by your love for one another." All of these verses apply to marriage as well as to all relationships of life.

As Clay and I have cultivated this kind of grace-giving love, it has bloomed in the hearts of our children. They know we are not perfect, but they believe in a strong love that is the oxygen of commitment and the way we live in our home. All of our children feel that we are a part of a community of love because they have been drawn through all the seasons by getting back to the center: loving actively, using words of life and sowing the seeds of kindness.

But the foundations of strength and longevity start with a commitment in the heart. Am I willing to accept this story, this husband, these children, and cultivate His story through our lives, today, just as we are? When I accept our limitations and lean into our story with grace and love, our life story becomes a love story worth telling to generations to come. God joins our commitment and sprinkles His grace and goodness on it, and our acceptance of life along with His grace becomes a miracle of His working that our children will cherish their whole lives.

Going on 33 years--a story of adventure to tell.

Glad to be part of 14 Days of Fulfilling Your Vows! Click to find more stories of marriage as well as some wonderful giveaways!

Also, don't miss SarahMae discussing Chapter Two of Desperate for our online book club!!! 

Way Number 1: Cultivating a Sense of Sacredness in your Heart

Moses at the Burning Bush by Pluchart

24 Family Ways #1

"We love and obey our Lord, Jesus Christ, with wholehearted devotion."

Memory verse: "And He said to them, 'You shall love the Lord your God with all of your heart and with all of your soul and with all of your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment." Matt. 22:37-38

In order to train in a heart attitude for the meaning of this way and for this verse, our children must be taught to value honor, respect, holiness.

Most every time I read a story about someone who saw the glory of God, they bow down in fear, in reverence, hiding their eyes from the glory of God because it is so wonderful and great. The starting point for any real training in the hearts of our children must be God, Himself.

All that used to be sacred--human life, the elderly, churches and burial grounds, people in position of authority and accomplishment, parents, marriage, teachers, public figures--all of these are devalued, torn apart, ridiculed and devalued in contemporary culture.

However, in a time in history where very little is sacred or holy, we must seek diligently to create not just knowledge of what the word holy means, but to place tangible practices in our lives where our children learn and understand that some things are sacred and set apart and deserve our reverence and worship.

Traditions were created to picture truth, beauty and meaning of life throughout church history in the past. When we give up all vestiges of tradition, we have given up much that would picture to the mind and heart of a child of what reverence and holiness looks like. We have demolished the value of what is sacred in a world where everything is valued for being cheap.

If we do not have visual, and actual habits and practice in the moments of our lives for things that are special and holy, our children will not understand the glory, the vastness, the need to bow our knee before a Holy, Magnificent, Omnipotent God.

Recently, I attend a funeral of a very special young friend who had died. I was a little surprised that many of the women my age wore jeans, few wore black. There was nothing in the dress of the people who attended that said, "This is an occasion for showing respect to the wonderful person who died here."

I am a contemporary woman and do not judge people, in general, by their clothing or outward appearance. But as I pondered this, I realized that in our culture, we have pretty much lost a sense and a practice of showing our children the attitude of respect and self-control and reverence.

Most of our churches are places where there is casual dress, talking and chattering, informal behavior, so much so that the behavior and jokes told and manners of most people could not be differentiated from the behavior they would display at a restaurant or in any other casual place.

We make fun of our Presidents and leaders and feel no guilt or twinge of conscience for voicing every sort of opinion on facebook. We criticize our preachers and leaders. In the name of "freedom" we excuse any kind of behavior and speech conduct, with no sense of propriety or restraint.

If there is nothing sacred in our lives, then how do we hope to pass on a sense of awe, Godly fear and respect to our children?

Consequently, as we begin the training of our little children's hearts and souls, we must figure out how to convey to them that life is not about us. Our lives are about pleasing, serving, loving, worshipping and living for the very one who is the Lord of the universe, the creator of the world, the King forever, God the Father, the Holy Spirit and the Lord Jesus Christ.

To implement this properly, we must seek to define for ourselves and our family, what will be sacred in our family? How will we display and teach respect to our children so that they will understand, when they are older, how to respect and revere our God and to live before Him with awe and with fear and trembling in respect of who He is.

One of the ways we implemented a sense of reverence and holiness in the lives of our children was teaching them that there were places to use "quiet voices, and respectful hearts"--like in church, at concerts, at funerals, at graduations, at recitals. Cell phones are definitely prohibited in these places. Before we went into these places, we would talk to our children about it ahead of time ...

"This is a wonderful place to be still and to think about God and to listen to His voice. When we go into church, please show respect by not running, not fussing; try to be still during this ceremony or church service," etc.

I am not talking about following my ideas or some kind of a rule, but you must establish some sacred things-- holy places, places for reverence in the moments and hours of your life, so that your children can learn the meaning of "Reverence for a Holy God."

Serving a holy God, living for his glory.

If this is not built into the warp and woof of your life, then when it comes to adulthood and worshipping and reverencing God, there will be no pattern, no practiced understanding of what it means to love and obey our Lord with wholehearted devotion.

Our children will learn the words of this family way, but they also need to live the reality of our devotion and respect in order for the words to have meaning.

How have you instilled reverence and devotion to our Holy God in your lives?

Order the 24 Family Ways Here

Cultivating a Culture of Love

Celebrating life on a mountain walk; loving by investing time, providing beauty, and having fun!

"Mom, if there is one place in the world where I fit, it is in our family--wherever we are, whatever we are doing. It's not about the place, it is about belonging to each other, "getting" each other, accepting each other, and celebrating life together. That is what I most miss about being at home."

~an unnamed child in our home :)

Every child needs and longs for a place to belong--

a sanctuary that gives abundant life and love and protects from all the evils that lurk outside the walls of that home.

Love should be the very air that our children breathe, the atmosphere, the foundation from which all other character is trained, from which all instruction comes.

Love, first.

So often, we want to just have life be defined by formulas to keep, rules to follow, neat patterns by which to live.

I even think many parents are suspicious about the idea of loving their children too freely. We hear the admonitions ...

"Well, you don't want to spoil them and flatter them too much!"

Jesus loved His disciples so well that they were willing to give their lives for His cause.

I am not speaking about false flattery. I am speaking of generous, committed, serving, sacrificial love--which was the basis of God's love for us.

Shouldn't it be the basis for our love for our children?

If we really studied, pondered, cherished, and applied the ways of Jesus' love as it is shown in scripture, wouldn't the way we parent--especially the way we mother-- look different?

Why is it we apply scripture differently to our children than to anyone else?

If we were made for love, and if love is the foundational need in the deep places of our hearts, then knowing that our children have this need, should shape how we seek to influence them.

Jesus Himself said, "They will know you by your love for one another."

Not only the world will know us as believers by our love for one another, our children will also measure and assess in their hearts the reality of God, by how much we display His love in our home.

How does this apply to the way we parent our children?

I have written out many verses from scripture on loving today. If these verses go deep into our hearts, penetrate our very being; if we ponder Jesus and understand Him, then we will understand that deep, abiding love is the culture around which our homes should be built. It is through establishing a "love culture" in our homes that our children will be taught what God is really like.

"Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." 

~I Corinthians 13: 4-8

"Love is a perfect bond of unity."

~Colossians 3:14

"Love covers a multitude of sins."

~I Peter 4:8

"Love your neighbor as yourself."

~Mark 12:31

"If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. ¹⁵ For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you."

~John 13:14-15

"If I have done this to you," (girding Himself with a towel and washing the feet of His disciples before He also died for them on the cross) "so you should also do this to one another."

How do we model servant leadership to our children? How do we love that much?

It is what reached the disciples' hearts, so that they gave their lives to His cause. Is this the secret to our influence over our own children's hearts as well?

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, “Of all the commandments, which is the most important?”

^{" '}The most important one,' answered Jesus, 'is this: "Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength." The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.'"

~Mark 12:30-31

Perhaps we are to love our children as much as we love ourselves; to lay down our lives for them. Jesus surely meant that it was the basis for relating to all people-- not just others, but our own family!

“For God so loved the world,that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.

~John 3:16

Are we willing to give up as much for our children as God gave up for us?

 " ... but God demonstrates his own love toward us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us."

~Romans 5:8

His love covered us when we were still failing, stumbling, wallowing in our selfishness. God, as our Father, saved us while we were still in our sin. What does this imply about us being parents to our own sinful children? That we show love while they are yet sinners.

"No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord."

~Romans 8:37-39

Is there any attitude or action that can separate your child from you, from your love, or is your love generous and consistent, forgiving, long-suffering?

"I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."

~Galatians 2:20

This is the hardest--the giving up of ourselves as He did for us.

"See what kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called children of God; and so we are."

~1 John 3:1

Love One Another Bible Verses

Romans 13:8  "Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law."

Galatians 5:13  "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another."

Ephesians 4:2 " ... with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love ..."

1 Peter 1:22  "Having purified your souls by your obedience to the truth for a sincere brotherly love, love one another earnestly from a pure heart ..."

1 John 4:7  "Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God."

And so, in he next couple of days, before we proceed with the series on "Training Character," ponder this issue of love--love must be the culture in which we train our children or all of our training will be lost on them, and we will be as a

Clanging bell.

Oh, may God teach us to love today, as we practice by loving our children. And Jesus, we ponder You to learn just how it is done.

Desperate Online Book study, Chapter 1: Ideals and Going Under

  My Composer son, Joel, 26 and somehow still emotionally healthy in spite of me!

"Ideals" is practically my middle name. When I was a little girl, I remember watching Miss America and when I saw the "beauty" crowned, I practiced walking around our living room, preparing for the time I would be crowned queen. Stories of heroines in books and movies piqued my interest because I knew I was destined to be a protagonist in some great story.

Idealistic about faith, about romance, about life! Except one area: I didn't have any ideals about being a great mother. Honestly, I was one of those women who just didn't think about having children or mothering them. Having only brothers above me and being the only girl, I never had babies in my home, and I only remember babysitting about twice in my whole life--and that under duress.

Now if I had been a mothering/baby-oriented sort, I would have been idealistic about that, because I was idealistic about everything I knew about--but I didn't know anything about being a mom--especially about one of babies. After all, what could be so hard about having a baby? I would have figured that as a fairly mature Christian (after all, I had been in ministry for eight years, and missions at that! ) So I supposed I I should also be a fairly mature mom.

Fast forward, a few years into marriage. Living in Southern California was such a challenge for me as a young mother of two young children. Clay worked 65-80 hours a week, I didn't know many women in my area, and I had almost no "mother" friends. Our families lived halfway across the United States and I was exhausted all the time. It didn't help that I was pregnant with my third child and struggled with morning sickness for six months.

After straightening up my house one afternoon, I poured bubble bath into my large oversized double sink with Sarah, 4, on one side and Joel, just under 2, in the sink next to it. I gave each of them small plastic cups to use in the warm, bubbly water to play with while I hoped for a reprieve.

"This will hold them for at least 30 minutes and I can get a break," I thought as I waddled to a chair nearby.

All of a sudden, 22-month Joel stood up straight in the sink. With a very exuberant smile from cheek to cheek, he screamed in delight and started scooping bubbles and water out of the sink and onto the floor as fast as he could, having a merry old time. He was just being an exuberant, happy little boy.

Something in me burst, and I started screaming at him with vein-popping intensity. "What are you doing? You are making a mess all over my floor! Stop it. Don't you know you are making a mess? Don't you know how tired I am?" The lecture had evidently been stored up for months, and I just kept going and going in anger and frustration.

Sweet Joel, all 6'5" of him, now all grown up-- a composer--(find his beautiful, original music here at Joelclarkson.com)

My stunned, happy, easy-going boy plopped down (making another big splash on my floor) and looked at me with wide, big, sad eyes and then just started crying and crying and crying, as though I had wounded him for life.

All of a sudden, I felt soooooooo bad. What had happened to me? Where had this kind of anger come from? Here was my gentle Joel, my cuddly one, who was doing nothing wrong but just being a darling little toddler.

Shame poured over me in waves. Sarah looked at me in fear. The fun I had planned was totally spoiled. Everyone was crying. And all afternoon, I shook my head over the incident. How could someone who called herself a mature believer lose it like that? I was not worthy to be a mom. What would my friends think? What would Clay think if he had heard me being so irrational?

Darkness seemed to cover my whole being in disappointment with myself. I knew I had been wrong and impatient; that my son had done nothing wrong. He had been so delighted in his bubbles and then .....!!!!!

As a young mom, I had absolutely no idea what to expect. I had three children in less than five  years. I had never been trained to take care of children, to change diapers, to nurse a baby, to miss hours of sleep for months at a time; or anything else that was required, and had almost no knowledge of what it looked like to be a "good" mother. Of course I read as much as I could read, but the books didn't cover everything. And then there were so many formulas and so many differing voices!

Scripture, though,  became my saving grace. I would pray and pray that God would help me--and little by little, He started building in me a philosophy of parenting, motherhood, and home building; generation-inspiring messages, and I found grace and freedom as I slowly grew. As I sought Him, and followed what I believed was the way of wisdom in parenting my children, by faith, I began to really, really fall in love with my children, with who they were, and the deep call of motherhood. This took years and for me, it was never easy. But my home became a place of deep happiness and fulfillment. It was not from seeking the fulfillment of ideals, but from seeking Him and His wisdom and seeing His love and patience with me.

"Even as a father has compassion on His children, so the Lord has compassion on you." Psalm 103

So, God, as my Father, was compassionate towards me and knew my limitations and still loved me. And so I learned to have compassion on my precious little ones and practiced loving them more each day.

I wish I had known ahead of time that motherhood was a place of battle and growth.

If only I had understood that there were no perfect moms and that all moms, including good moms,  became frustrated, sinned and were selfish, and succumbed to exhaustion. If only I had  not wasted so much  time on guilt and inadequacy, but instead focused on seeking to enjoy life with my children more--to lighten my load-- to lighten up in general.

I wish I had known that all mamas get angry, that messes happen on a daily basis--that is the norm--nothing to get upset about. I wish that I had understood that children are pre-wired to behave like children and do toddlerish, babyish, teenage-ish, things--and that God wanted me to learn to enjoy them and not be so neurotic about every single little thing.

I wish I had relaxed my ideals as a young mom, and just leaned into the life of being a mom more.

So many of my friends miss their children now that they are older. Most all of them say they wished they had relaxed more, loved more, and paid more attention to them personally--looked into their eyes more often.

Wisdom applied:

What are your biggest disappointments over how you expected yourself to be as a mom compared to your reality?

In what area were you least prepared?

How do you most need to adjust your expectations and find a way to enjoy this stage of your children's lives?

I try to remember, "This is the day the Lord has made (right now, this stage, this child, this circumstance) I will rejoice (I will choose to worship God right now; I will look for what I can be thankful for) and be glad.

I choose gladness and will live fully in this season and  grow little by little--knowing God is holding my hand and leading me.

 I hope you'll join us each week, as SarahMae and I take turns discussing topics from Desperate, Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe! You can read SarahMae's posts on Tuesday at SarahMae.com, and mine here every Thursday. Join us on Momheart.org today for more of a discussion of this chapter. And if you haven't picked up a copy yet, you can by clicking the picture below!

Valuing Training: The Foundation for Excellence

My sweet friend, Ann Voskamp, rightly says,

 “Practice is the hardest part of learning, and training is the essence of transformation.” 

― (Ann Voskamp, One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Fully Right Where You Are)

As I begin a focus on training our children's character on Monday, a foundation for the significance of training is necessary. Scripture tells us to train up a child in the way he should go.

Training: the education, instruction and discipline of the knowledge of a value, a habit or an action to be learned. This from three different sources I combined--and so it is my definition! :)

When one is given knowledge of how to act, behave, and implement certain skills, the natural consequences include having wisdom on how to behave, confidence in action, and skill to employ in life. For this reason, training is essential to the healthy well-being of a child, so he or she may become wise, knowledgeable and competent in living life in a strong and healthy way.

Training can be illustrated in many ways. An athlete must learn and train to become a champion. A pianist must be instructed and practice to become a concert performer. An artist must learn the skills and philosophy of drawing and painting and then practice to become masterful at his craft.

Rembrandt became a master of light and  a detailed painter of exquisite faces by training, practice, and years and years of painting, over and over and over again--practice. And so it is with any craft, skill, degree or accomplishment.

However, the need of training is also true of character and a Christian testimony--the character that is habituated to improving, developing integrity by practice, stretching to work hard, to do the best, to exceed expectations comes from daily practice and personal integrity. Those whose ideals are set high and aim each day to pursue those ideals will have the opportunity to become excellent in any field.

This comes from an inner grid, the way one learns to see life and expect himself to live. We called this "self-government," when we trained excellence of character into the very fiber of our children's souls.

We are surrounded by mediocrity, compromise and substandard Christians in several public arenas and personal situations lately. Morals are compromised, testimonies tarnished.  I have asked myself, with the image of the living God imprinted upon my very being ... Shouldn't I, and all true believers,  be able to call forth excellence and integrity as a reflection of Him in my life?

"...whatever a man sows, this he will also reap." Galatians 6:7

Yet excellence and integrity is a personal issue. One can only become this way through a personal commitment, a vision of oneself, and a decision that says,

"Regardless of what is happening around me, I will be the best I can be, work the hardest I am able, pursue the highest standards--especially for my personal life where no one but God sees--because I have been bought with a price and have His Holy Spirit residing within. My worship of Him requires that I pursue the standard of His holiness as an affirmation of His reality in my life."

Whether as a mother training the character of children, filling their minds with excellent writers, artists, and thinkers, or simply as a woman being a steward of every aspect of her life, one can only become excellent by stretching, determining to obey His still small voice and then using every resource to pursue bringing His light and imprint upon this world.

This labor of excellence, personally and in the lives of our children, will take many long years--but if we are not committed to pursuing whatever it takes to build this excellence, then what hope does our future have--and even more, how can we represent Him, who has given all?

Paul said, "Follow me as I follow Christ." We are called to become leaders that others can follow and emulate.With every year of faith, there should be more of Him reflecting through our lives; more excellence, more devotion, more wisdom, more influence.

It is not a choice, it is a call on our lives. We cannot say, "I am a Christian, but I think I will make "C"s or "D"s in my character choices." We aim high because the love of Christ compels us.

More in the months ahead. I have just been pondering--why are so many believers falling so short of His best? Why is there so much mediocrity in the character and behavior of people and especially believers in Christ in this generation? Could it be a lack of value placed upon the importance of training?

I am not writing  about being a pharisee--a person of rules, pretending to display righteousness, but about exhibiting the qualities we are capable of and should expect as royalty--children of the most high God and King. We have set our standards far too low.......

May our hearts pursue Him and find in His presence that His very being is reflected in and through our hearts, as we train to more suitably emulate His reality.

Calling a Prodigal Home and Desperate Book Study!

 

Since my son Nathan was a small boy, he has always had a heart for people--to play with them when little, to talk to them, to reach out to them and to love them.

As a high schooler, he had so many friends and was awash in those who needed to be rescued or loved. The Prodigal Story is one that captivates his heart and mine. Hope you will enjoy his article today!

The Prodigal Son: A story that undoubtedly strikes fear into the hearts of parents everywhere.

The Prodigal Son is the story of a wayward son who demands his inheritance early, and ends up leaving his home and squandering his money on everything from sex to gambling. The prodigal eventually finds himself broke and in the dirt, with memories of home running through his mind. It is then he decides to return home, to beg for forgiveness and maybe find a job as simply a servant in his father's household. But, upon his arrival home, instead of finding bowed heads of disappointment, he finds a feast and celebration in his honor and the loving embrace of his forgiving parent.

I think this story is one we can all relate to, whether you are the prodigal, OR the mother (or father) of a one. The Prodigal Son is a story that will speak to almost anyone living in this fallen world.

That being the case, over the years I have heard countless people dissect, teach and react differently to this story . Naturally different people focus on different aspects of the story as it pertains to them:

- As parents, I’m sure the immediate inclination is to ensure that it never becomes a reality for their children.

- As pastors and teachers, I’m sure there is a need to teach and show the detriment of selfish desires and sinful living.

- But as a son, who has been a prodigal once or twice in his life, my interest lies in something different.

What pulls the Prodigal home...

I want to see the voice that spoke inside of the prodigal-the voice, when the wayward son felt the most down and out, that called him home. I want to know why he listened to it. Why is the wayward son was suddenly willing to humble himself to the lowest position just for a chance to be back in his parent's care?

I think back and remember the times in my life when I found myself surrounded by the consequences of some poor choices and willful rebellion, trying to recall what it was that called me home.

As I ponder, I remember the sound of the song that guided my steps  back home, into redemption and the grace--it all  comes back to me. I start to remember, the thing that ended up pulling me home, the driving force to my return to the straight and narrow, wasn’t the instruction or admonishment about  rebellious living I had heard a thousand times in church. It wasn’t the countless warnings of sin (then too late to be applied, anyway).

Instead, it was something so much more personal, real and tangible.

It was the song of my home that would play in my ears, as I would sit with my head in my hands, trying to find the light in a dark situation. It was remembering the warm embrace of a loving family and an inviting home. It was the grace with which my mistakes would always be met. It was the warm meals, good conversation and the personal connection I missed with the ones I loved. A place to belong, It was the beauty of what home was truly meant to be.

Essentially, my reason for choosing to leave my prodigal tendencies in the past, to return home to my loved ones... Was having loved ones and a home worth returning to.

 There is a Biblical picture for this that God paints masterfully throughout the bible.

All of us, (you and me), in our sin, go our own way; and we are the prodigals in our heart every time we make our own selfish choices. We rebel against the way life was meant to be lived, and choose our own ways instead of God's. Yet, as Jesus told the story and shows God's heart, He decides that instead of just getting rid of us, He wants us to have a chance at redemption by forgiving us, taking us back as though we had never sinned. He eyes see us when we are lost, but looks for us until we are found.

Pretty amazing!

But He doesn’t stop there. The way God redeems us and shows us forgiveness... Is giving us a chance to have a personal relationship with Him!

And finally, He writes His story more lovingly  and creates place for us to come home to, a beautiful perfect place where there will be “No more tears”.

God looks down on you and me, after our display of rebellious independence, and calls us home to a loving embrace of a parent and a perfect vision of home...Heaven.

So as parents of us prodigals, the question I have for you, is NOT,

What are you doing to insure that your sons don't become prodigals...

BUT instead,

What are you doing to create a home in which a prodigal would feel the need and freedom to return home?

Just as a heads up, all of us sons will fall short, we will rebel and we will, in at least some sense of the word, make our selves prodigals.

BUT  if you are diligent in making a beautiful home, and a place that will call us back to who we are meant to be, the same song God sings to all of us. We will return to your loving arms of redemption, without fail.

Nathan, my actor, singer, songwriter, sparkling son!

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Join Sarah Mae and me today as we start our online group study for our new book,  Desperate!

Today we will start with the Introduction!

Mentoring Monday! Training: The Foundation of Soul Strength

Training: The Foundation of Soul Strength {Sally Clarkson}

"Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence. But we rather have those because we have acted rightly.We are what we repeatedly do.

Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit."

Aristotle

Merely having a piano in a home and having a child bang on the instrument will not nurture a child into becoming a classical pianist. To become excellent in playing, the child must be instructed over a period of many years, hours must be given to practice and learning music.  Playing and playing and playing again is the course of action that produces skill and excellence.

Proverbs tells us that "a skillful man will go before kings." Regarding character, wisdom and soul strength, a child must also be instructed, have many years to practice and apply the teaching before an excellent character and life skills are developed.

Contemporary Culture Mitigates Against Excellent Character

Because our culture is so given to crudity and a devaluation of human beings, with secular media determining the values of children, many adults and children reflect shallow character and lack of wisdom and discretion.  Couple this with  a lack of intentional training on the part of adults, with moral compromise at every turn, and many children are at a disadvantage in their lives because they have never developed a strong moral character, or seen a strong moral character in the life of the adults around them.

A child who is not trained and taught to exercise strength in righteousness, truth, work ethic, relationships and integrity, will often be at a disadvantage his whole life, because instead of his character serving him, his lack of training and ignorance will detract from his ability to live an excellent life.

I believe that many moms struggle with motherhood and the burden of raising children because they have never been stretched or trained in character and are morally weak, complaining and undisciplined. An undisciplined soul reacts to pressure with complaining, anger and frustration. Often, a lack of strong character and a developed work ethic is at the bottom of depression in young women. I know that I was never trained for such hard work, and so struggled to meet the ideals I held in my heart because I had never been trained to be strong in character--I was spoiled in many ways and so had to learn character along with my children--and it was more difficult as an adult who had become lazy and self-centered--and I didn't even know it! I had been quite indulged and was unaware of my own lack of character--I wanted to blame my struggles on everything else except myself!

We are living in a culture where compromise is an accepted norm in marriage, in movies and television, in work, manners, leadership, responsibility. Also, addictions and lack of discipline of every sort are the norm and acceptable, so that lack of character is not even affirmed or valued. Addiction to food, substances, social media, pornography, television, gaming, gambling, and every sort of pleasure that eats up the beauty and possibility of life is tolerated. In surveys, it is often found that believers are just as apt to divorce, become addicted to pornography, and to live an immoral lifestyle.

I find that so many parents are mostly anxious that their children cease to have "bad" behavior. They just want a formula for disciplining their children that will make them easier to deal with on a daily basis, so that they as parents can have an easier life. Yet, as I observe many families, children, and moms in all of our travels and teaching, I find that there are fewer and fewer children who have an internal sense of composure, self-control, wisdom, and manners, because they are not receiving this kind of instruction at home. Their moms, even the stay at home ones, are busy with their own agenda and pastimes.

Yet, if we are created in God's image, shouldn't we, as believers, be the most excellent in our behavior, character and influence? Doesn't scripture teach us to lay down our lives for the sake of others--in this case, our children? Doesn't anything worthy always require great sacrifice, vision and hard work?

The next few weeks, I will be addressing the importance of training in character qualities and how this training develops a foundation of strength for the life and soul of a child.

Video Removed! Sorry. it just isn't working today!

I am excited about this series! It has been bubbling up as I have talked to many moms over the past weeks, been at our first conference, observed behavior of adults in several situations, and discussed many of these issues with my own children.

Character matters! Training excellent character into the very fiber of children takes intention, perseverance, commitment, wisdom--and honestly, it requires character from our own lives.

I hope/pray this series will be of great encouragement to you, as this character training gives children and adults discretion, confidence and integrity in living life for the glory of Christ.

I will be using The 24 Family Ways in this series, as it is what Clay and I wrote for our own children's training.

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Dreaming of Spring, looking forward to......

Longing for spring and flowers and sunshine and the ability to take long walks outside again.

Deep inside, I am irresponsible at heart and just love to enjoy the pleasures of life, without consequences, at least once in a while.

Sometimes, my vision and ideals carry me through life in such a way that I appear responsible, and quite serious, but,......,

But at heart, I was made to be princess.

When I watch Downton,   I just know I was made to be Lady Grantham--

and to have servants making all the meals and cleaning the mansion.

I am sure that sometime soon I am supposed to retire from working so hard at life; :)

I am looking forward to California in 4 days--

to walking on Laguna Beach where it will be warm and swishing my feet in the sand and watching the sunset in quiet on the beach;

Having a breakfast at Crystal Cove--with hot beignets and sharing omelettes with avocado, swiss cheese and bacon with my kids;

Having big cappuccino's at a local cafe where I always meet my California friends; and sipping slowly and sharing hearts and being honest and catching up in total acceptance and comfort;

Leaving cooking and dishes and phones behind for several days;

celebrating the excitement of the Mom's conference and working together with old friends and family;

visiting Joy at school--she has been away far too long! (2 whole days)

staying up late and laughing with Nate and Rachael and hearing all about life;

Have all of us Clarksons together again, shoulder to shoulder, working, being and jollying together,

I do so love the Clarkson gang being together and not apart;

Being with my friends from Colorado and North Carolina, Texas and California who fly to Cali just like the last 8 years and sharing this ministry and friend-life together and sitting in the living rooms upstairs on the 15th floor again, working and praying and sharing and munching one more time;

Do I have to be responsible for a couple of more days,  or can I just leave right now?

Hope I make it till then.