Give Them an Inch and You May Walk a Mile ... Together

Why, hello! I'm Sally's assistant, Misty Krasawski, and I'm thrilled to be sharing with you here today, as Sally is taking a little R&R time away in Asheville with Sarah this week. 

One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered." ~Prov. 11:24-25

It had been a very long day, one full of the usual cooking and cleaning up messes, trying to keep up with writing obligations and phone calls, and too many worries were clogging my mind. Unfortunately I'd probably spent a little more time engaged in my "work" than in play, and the children had noticed.

A plaintive voice came from around the corner. "Mom!"

I tried to put him off. "Not now, I'm busy!" I said, returning to the stubborn gunk stuck to my kitchen floor.

"MOM~ I need you!!!"

Giving up, I tossed the rag I was using aside, swallowed a sigh of exasperation, plunked the bowl of soapy water I'd been slaving over onto the counter, and stomped a bit as I reluctantly turned from my work to follow him to the next room, wondering what he could possibly want this time.

"I got this for you," he said, offering a grubby fist gripping tightly onto the now-bent neck of a flower pulled from our walkway.

Instantly, my heart was struck. Here I was being frustrated with a child whose only intention was to bless. I got down on the floor and hugged him tight. "Oh, buddy! Thank you! I love that!" Putting him on my knee, I threw a quick prayer heavenward ... Forgive me, Lord. Forgive me for seeing only the mess stuck to the floor in front of me, and missing the beauty running around on two legs in the front yard. 

And then I wondered ...

How many times have I done that?

Don't you love those old-fashioned church signs, which give wonderful advice like, "Don't make Me come down there!" or this, my personal favorite, especially in the middle of a roasting Florida summer: "Think it's hot here?" There was one in our neighborhood last year which said, "Give the devil an inch and he'll want to be your ruler." So many great thoughts could be pulled out of that one. It comes from a saying, though, that I sometimes think subconsciously rules my reactions to my children: Give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

The truth is, I'm selfish. Though I'm an intentional person by nature and want to please the Lord; though I truly love my children and enjoy just being with them, still there is more of me left in me than I'd like to admit.

Motherhood takes a lot out of us. Day in and day out there are people in need and want, demands constantly being made, things that never seem to get crossed off the to-do list! Sometimes I withhold my *self* because I just don't want to give up any more of me. Times when I just cannot look into one more pair of eyes because my soul feels shrunken and there's just not enough in there to pour out one more drop.

Being in the midst of a move has meant many, many of those days piled up right on top of one another. Wiping down a dusty bookshelf this afternoon, I said to the Lord, "I cannot do this anymore. I'm drained and too tired. I cannot keep being nice and working so hard, I just can't."

You know what I heard Him say? "Okay. But look ... see? You are doing it. You know why? Because it's never you, anyway. It's always, always Me; and it's Me now and it will be Me tomorrow and the day after that. You can do it, because My spirit is in you. The same spirit that raised Jesus from the dead will quicken your body and you will find yourself able, day after day."

He promises strength to the weary, to bear us up in His arms, and I hear tell there are even green pastures out there. We don't have to keep our hearts covered up, hidden away from our spouses and children lest they ask for more than we can give. The funny thing is, the more I withhold, the more incessant the demands become. The more I pour out before it's requested, the more satisfied and peaceful my children are. Spending time with little ones early in the day affords chances to work with older ones as the afternoon works its way around. An impromptu date with a teenager curbs frustration and rebellion over little issues because they already know I love them and have their backs and don't feel I'm just the lady with the rulebook.

Needs met are tucked away satisfied, while needs ignored only grow in their intensity and demand.

Parenting is one area where giving an inch prevents the mile from being taken. Or perhaps it allows us to walk the miles together. We will find the proverb true when it comes to our time and effort as mamas ...

"One gives freely, yet grows all the richer; another withholds what he should give, and only suffers want. Whoever brings blessing will be enriched, and one who waters will himself be watered."

~Prov. 11:24-25

May we all give freely today!

 Misty Krasawski is wife to Rob, mama to eight wonderful blessings and a very grateful daughter of the King. She loves to bake, garden, eat chocolate, read, and make things pretty. She spends most of her online time as assistant to Sally Clarkson and part of the MomHeart Online team, but can also sometimes be found at her blog, Encouraging Beautiful Motherhood.

Also, don't miss Angela Perritt's article today at MomHeart Online, reminding us to speak words that water souls! 

...

"Often times I come away from a book on mothering feeling worse than I did before. Most authors present one way of doing things and the book makes the author look like supermom and that, we too, can be supermom if we just follow their plan. Desperate is the complete opposite - it shows us how all mothers struggle and helps us climb out of the suffocating trenches of mommyhood." -Amazon review

If you could use a little encouragement  and even some practical help, you might just like Desperate - Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe. Find it here, and then head on over to the book club today as Sarah Mae is discussing Chapter 8 - Escaping!

Modeling Every Day what you want your children to become! Mentoring Monday

My lovely, beautiful of heart, gentle and very powerful, Sarah--first born.

(FIND HER AT: http://www.thoroughlyalive.com/)

Modeling: One serving as an example to be imitated or compared, an ideal to be copied

"A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher."

Luke 6:40

 Scripture tells us the the disciple becomes like his teacher. So, the teacher must be and live out what he wants his pupil to know and be. What you are in your home is what you are.

Often times when people hear that Clay and I were grace-based in our discipline philosophy, they automatically assume that we didn't require much from our children.

Yet, just the opposite was true. We are both idealists and hold the highest of standards. We wrote the 24 Family Ways because we wanted our children to have a pattern of excellence, a foundation of what was true, truths to pattern their lives after.

Even as a piano student must practice scales in order to begin the process of becoming a concert pianist, so a child must practice and memorize truth and obeying truth in life before the child is ready to move into leadership on a big scale.

I wanted my children to understand that loving God was grounded in loving His word, listening to His voice, thanking and acknowledging Him daily, obeying His standards, being  holy--set apart for Him, required that I lived this out to the best of my ability every day, all the time.

I wanted to pass on a model of a holy life, one dedicated truly to God's standards and values for me, one set aside for His purposes.

Immorality is ramant in this world and is destroying children, families, heritages and potential of vibrant, holy, righteous adults.

If we want our children to obey us and to choose to be disciplined and excellent, then we cannot practice compromise, laziness in work or spiritual issues and expect them to obey.

But ,this life is not passed on my giving the right rules or having them memorize the right verses.

The life of God in a person is lived out each moment, by watching a company of adults and family and friends live a holy, excellent, disciplined life before them. It is also given in the oxygen of love breathed and sprinkled at each turn, worship modeled by noticing a sunset or song admired when a child performs it, a servant's heart evident through a mama through the beauty cultivated by a meal well-cooked, a rose in a vase, a warm blanky wrapped around a tiny cold body, --all of this work, diligently pursued, work daily wrought for the glory of the creator.

Authentic, devoted, purposeful relationship is the conduit through which faith is passed on to another.

Modeling is not something that can be passed on by keeping a rule or memorizing scripture. Modeling and influencing another in godliness is only effective if it is authentic, real and lived out in the teacher who is in authority.

But I had a model who helped me know just how to be authentic--Jesus.

Pondering Him, copying Him, loving Him, living His ways gave me the confidence to know that what I followed would bring blessing in the lives of my children, because modeling myself after the best teacher was what I passed on to my own precious ones.

I could not be perfect, but I could be passionate about my love for Him, and grow in maturity, righteousness and character in front of my children, showing them how to discipline their own lives for finding maturity and growth.

It was deeply fulfilling for me to be with Sarah Mae and to hear her own evaluation of my sweet first born daughter and what she now observed in her soul, after watching her speak at the Dallas conference.

"Sarah is such a great speaker. She speaks with such eloquence and depth. She is so poised and lovely. She is such a model for what I would love to be."

How fun that the two Sarah's in my life should admire each other. They have built relationship by being together several times, so now they are getting to understand each other as friends.

But seeing Sarah Clarkson, was like seeing the philosophy I lived out in my home. Sarah Clarkson was now the book of m life that Sarah Mae was reading.

How to do this?

I loved God in front of my children every day, with all of my heart. I may have waffled in other areas, but I wanted this to be the best thing about me--to love engaging in His word, to depend on Him, seeking to obey Him, to talk about His truth, to hear His voice, to choose to believe, and to live in that faith.--

because I knew that it was what my children most needed--a model of what it really looked like to know and love and serve Him.

So, today, I give you my sweet Sarah, and I know your life and soul will be greatly encouraged by her own words--her own life now of loving God, and letting Him speak truth and beauty and reality in her life.

PLEASE KEEP READING. THIS POST WILL ENLARGE AND VALIDATE YOUR OWN LIFE AND YOU WILL BE SO GLAD YOU TOOK THE TIME--and even encourage you to find where strength and wisdom can be found!

Favored by Sarah Clarkson

Last week, on a dim, freezing morning with snow in a billow out the window, I read Mary’s Magnificat.

I’ve spoken about Mary lately in the talk I give at the conferences – the way she entered into becoming chosen because of the way she perceived and entered into the story of God. The Magnificat is her own lyrical commentary on that story and I’ve studied it before; when I wrote on Mary for my book, I became aware that her song is woven of Psalm, prophecy, and history. Every line in it alludes to another portion of Scripture, a story already told, a Psalm already sung. In order to have made such a song, Mary must have spent her young lifetime immersed in the words and story of Yahweh. She must have listened long and pondered deeply, for when she opened her mouth in praise she consciously joined herself to an ongoing chorus that had its beginning centuries before. The Magnificat is remarkable for its display of Mary’s spiritual knowledge and insight.

But as I read her mighty song on my cold morning, I was startled to realize that it is also remarkable for its individuality. It is a surprisingly personal song, framed in personal pronouns. Mary is singing the story of the world’s salvation, but she doesn’t see herself as subsumed in the plot. She still says “me.”  She doesn’t sing merely of the general blessedness of God’s people, she sings of the honor that God’s choice brings her personally. All generations will call me blessed. The Mighty One has done great things for me. Over and above God’s plan to redeem, she knows she has been personally honored, hand-chosen and in addition to being saved from her sins, she will be famous for her blessedness throughout the ages.

My heart thumped an extra beat as I finished. Something in me that fears presumption found Mary’s proclamations bold. Is personal triumph allowed to bondservants? Isn’t that a bit impertinent?

I went about my day, my questions unresolved. Soon, in fact, I forgot them. I wrestled my car through snow and slush on countless day-before-conference errands and pulled into the last parking lot of the day exhausted, just as my phone rang. The call was one answering my inquiry into a possibility for my future that had greatly excited me the week before. There were some obstacles to be ironed out before the way was clear, but I had every hope and indication that the person on the other end of that phone could help. Until we actually spoke.

My ear was filled for the next thirty minutes with a calm voice that informed me in terms of technical accuracy and tones of professional cordiality that there was absolutely no possibility for me. I could try, I was informed, but the ceaseless, steady waterfall of information poured into my ear seemed designed to convince me that the effort would be wasted and I would be a fool to begin.

I held my own until I hung up the phone. Then I sat in the cold, colorless silence of my car and felt myself shrinking, reduced to the size of the viewpoint of the person with whom I had just talked. I was chilled. And strangely, almost afraid, reminded as I have been many times in the past years, that in a world that measures worth in money, power, and signed papers, I have very little pull. The bleakness of it seemed to make me smaller in my seat as my hope, temporarily, failed.

But not two minutes had passed before Mary and her bold song reached into my memory from the morning. For He has regard for the humble state of his bondslave… The Mighty One has done great things for me, holy is his name!… All generations will call me blessed… Sitting there, I realized, in a keen way that I never have before, that I am the humble and the lowly. I am the hungry and powerless. I’m not rich or mighty, I do not sit on a throne and in the world’s eyes, I have nothing.

But I am also the blessed. For I, like Mary, am the bondslave of the living God. Imperfect, yes. Frail, oh yes. But wholly given to the call and identity of one whose story is in God’s keeping and part of his cosmic telling of redemption. I forgot it for that first moment after the call. I listened to a voice whose narration told away my confidence and hope. But the hope came back with the memory that as God’s servant I live, not in my own power, not by my own wits and credentials, but by the love, and grace, and very personal favor of God. And the Mighty One can do great things for me as I live out his story.

As I shivered in my car seat with a snow day sunset glooming on the horizon, I realized that those who choose the identity and work of a bondservant to God can claim and request the acts of God in a very personal way. God’s chosen ones are not faceless nonentities who work as holy robots to fulfill his plans. They are living, breathing, deeply emotional human souls in needy bodies who offer the whole of their selfhood to God. Mary knew this, so she also knew that when God tells the big story of salvation forward, the smaller tale of individual human hearts goes forward too. We are known. Our needs are known. And somehow, as God rights the broken story of the world, he makes our own tiny story a blessed one too.

When the Holy Spirit overshadowed Mary, redemption began with the baby Jesus, yes. Big story. But part of that meant that Mary was honored for all time. Smaller story, but for her, the triumph of a lifetime. Jesus’ coming was the world’s salvation. And God’s choice of Mary to be the vessel was the honor of a young girl’s diligent engagement with the story of God. God so loved the world, but Mary loved God in the small way she knew, and he honored that love even as he brought redemption to the earth. To triumph in the mighty acts of God, to find a personal favor tucked within the great gifts he offers the world is what it means to be a bondservant to a God whose knit us together in our mother’s wombs.

So I will not fear. I am the servant of the Lord and the Mighty One will do great things for me. I don’t yet know what that means. I don’t know if the opporunity I was hoping for will open up or not. But God’s story is my story and mine is God’s, and he tells the both of them well. My one humble, hoping little human heart will not be lost in the crush of a greater tale. For he has regard for the humble. And one day, with Mary, I will be able to tell just how he lifted the world up, and me along with it. Favor indeed.

My Sarah, it has been a great honor to be your teacher and to now be mentored by you! Mama

FIND ALL OF SARAH'S WONDERFUL, SOUL-FILLING ARTICLES AT: THOROUGHLYALIVE.COM

So, what are you modeling in front of your children? How are they becoming like you, their teacher?

And don't miss Kat Lee's wonderful article at MomHeart Online, as she talks about the Power of Purposeful Motherhood!

Battling Depression, Part Three: Writing Your Own Story Well

Frans Von Mieris

This is the final post in this series on battling depression. You can find Part One here and Part Two here.

One of the beautiful arts of a godly woman is to write her own story of life well, intentionally and with skill,  in the midst of the one she has been given. But to write well a tale that will endure and inspire, requires a committed heart, a devoted heart of faith, and the will to endure and work hard to live with choices that will renew hope and bring life. It is God's desire to support us in our story, but we must desire from our hearts to embrace His ability to enter into our stories to make them great.

How will your life write and tell of God's faithfulness? How will you bring beauty out of chaos;  integrity and faith to difficulty and testing, love to a loveless situation; hope and light to darkness? We have such great capacity to redeem our stories and to give our children a memory of how we used the strength of God and hard work and a commitment to love to bring about life and to change the ending of the story we have been given. I have seen so many women exercise their intelligence, wisdom and skill to create a story of life that brings hope and gives value. It is natural to give in to despair, it is supernatural to mount up over your story with the life and grace the Holy Spirit wants to provide through you. Heroines are made by being brave in difficulty, when giving up or being fearful would have been the natural response. But to mount up requires a will--a will that says, I will refuse to be overcome; I will trust God, battle for His ways, and work to make my story one of meaning, nobility and goodness. Because I have Him, all things become possible.

5. Read, read, read. C.S. Lewis said that we read to know we are not alone. My favorite authors became my friends. Inspiration of other women and men, who had made a difference fueled my soul with courage in my own dark places. Just reading about their lives and stories fed my soul and showed me how to live my life. In the absence of having older women or grandmas in my life, the books and biographies I read aloud to the kids and myself  became my friends and fellowship--especially throughout the 17 moves. I needed a friend, so my books became my friends and fellowship and shaped my life.

6.Organize relationships in life so that you can be blessed. I have had to start many groups and Bible studies and kids' groups in my home. But when we initiate or organize a way for friends to meet, we find that we are blessed in the midst of it. I have started book clubs (where you read a book and then get together for dinner and discuss it); once a month dinners for several families, prayer groups for myself with a few close friends; taking turns to host all the families at a home; started Bible studies for the girls and their moms and the boys and their dads (Clay did that); tea parties, picnics, meet-at-the-park days, Christmas parties and so on.

Some of these attempts fizzle, but some end up blessing me and our children.We had a spontaneous meal with a friend the other night and we all had so much fun and felt so loved in the midst, and I just ran into her at the grocery store. It was worth the trouble to get together.  Often when we are so busy, we don't take time for things like this and eventually we become lonely.

Often just reaching out to others or opening my home, brings more friends my way and in the long term meets my needs. I also plan things I know I will enjoy into my schedule--Saturday morning breakfasts downtown with Sarah and a long walk by all the old mansions, hot chocolate with Joy; breakfasts with my boys, alone dinners at home with Clay when I feel like I miss him--I send the others out for a trip to a book store/coffee shop and I light candles and have a simpler dinner all alone--without anyone bothering our conversation.

I also save each year for travel by putting away 10-15 dollars a month--because for me to get away from home and dishes and internet and phone calls is always a great break and rest for my ADHD, restless soul--and of course I keep chocolate hidden to have as a treat on a needed day and always have tea in a real china cup with candles lit and civility--even if just for 15 minutes. When I organize life with delight, I often find I end up with a happier soul and fun and make friends in the midst. All the leaders I have ever known have said that they always have to initiate more to people and people don't always reciprocate, but I would rather have the opportunity to have friends and fellowship, even if I have to do the work, than to always be by myself.

Most of all, though, I remember, intentionally, over and over again, that God, my precious Father, loves me and wants me to experience His joy. I have resolved to look for His love and to receive His love by faith, even when I don't feel like it. He dearly loves each one of you precious moms, too,  and wants to lead you away from darkness or sadness and move you to joy and peace.

So, may His warm hand grasp yours in the midst of your darkness and may He lead you to a way to light a candle in the darkness so that you can see His face and be assured of His tender companionship in the midst of it all.

How different history will be when people choose to believe God right where they are, and who act in faith to build, renew, restore and to choose faithfulness in difficult relationships.

God is with you, who can be against you? May He lead you to become His warrior and to see Him fight your battles and to make all things new. God causes all things to work together for His good and He is suiting you and preparing you for heaven.

May your story give you a platform, an arena, in which you may find and spread God's light and may the ending of the story you write for your children and children's children give hope and reflect the faith in a God who redeems and loves beyond reason. Be blessed today.

Learning to be a Selfless mama and basking in the reward (Desperate--Chapter 7)

Everyone home for Thanksgiving and celebrating life together with Christmas around the corner.

Desperate, Chapter 7, Sacrifice in the mundane--on selfishness!

"Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15: 13

"You call Me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am. If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you."

John 13: 13-15

Everyone was expected home any time. Seven of us at every meal plus the 4-10 others of the kids' friends who would just drop in and want something "wondy" to eat, after all, they said, "This is our holiday--our time off!"

Funny how mamas don't get time off on holidays! But, putting one foot in front of the other, willing my tired self,  was familiar and a habit that had served me well. (I had company over the weekend, a dinner for 10 women, and written to a deadline until midnight the night before everyone was due home--not to mention all the cooking and baking.)  The joy set before me--my beloveds, my dearest friends, my children, were all here to celebrate in the love we had created over the years--and this gave me the impetus to keep going a little longer, but with a light  and expectant heart.

Finally the hustle and bustle of everyone arriving home. Eating, movie, desert, dishes, messes, staying up late and talking, followed by the Thanksgiving meal, 17 in the house, cooking and cleaning up again, and finally I fell into bed almost asleep before I hit the pillow at midnight, after having cleaned up the messes again.

Two hours later, I felt a tapping, tapping, tapping on my arm. "Mama, wake up. Please wake up."

I was so deeply asleep, I had trouble figuring out where I was! I opened my thick eyelids, still groggy, and there was Joy's sweet face, eyebrows furrowed and looking intently.

"Mama, would you please get up with me. I hate to wake you up but I need you."

My mind told my body to get out of bed, that this is what I was supposed to do.

By the time I got followed her to her bedroom, I was finally waking up.

"I threw up because I can't breathe very well. I think I just have asthma from a respiratory infection, and if I was at school, I would have just sweat it out, but since I am home, I wanted my "mama" to be with me and comfort me."

And so, for the next two hours, I pampered her as best as possible. Bubbly drink, with straw, puffed up pillows, soft blanket on the couch, soft music, fire in the fireplace, asthma treatment, and endless times of rubbing her head, stroking her brow as when she was a little child.

"Mama, I wasn't so sick that I couldn't have handled it, but I have missed you so much and I just wanted you. Do you mind?

I realized when I was away at college that I always had an expectation that if I needed you in any way, you would always come. And I didn't just need you to take care of me tonight, I wanted to talk to you and just be with you to tell you everything that has been on my hear the last few months. Thanks for letting me know deep inside that I could ask you and know you would comfort me and that you would be willing to be with me--even in the middle of the night. I love you, mama!"

And finally, as the sun was peaking through our windows in soft pinks and purples, her breathing eased, her voice stopped the chatter of a heart shared, and my sweet one, now a young adult, once again fell asleep on my lap, and this time, I relished every minute.

********************************************************************************

One of my biggest adjustments to motherhood was the constant giving, giving, giving. I had been the only girl in my family, and the youngest and truly had never been trained or prepared to be a mama. I did not even know I was selfish because I had lived my life pretty selfishly all of my life and had never really been accountable to anyone. But then when I had my children and they were always always always there, I did not have anything in me that knew how to handle the burdens.

When they were very young, I sort of blamed them and became frustrated with them and sometimes felt deep anger--as though it was somehow their faults for being children and needing me. Or even just that they were alive and needy seemed too much. I had never faced my own selfishness until I had children.

Now as an adult, I can see that my children have been my training grounds for building godly character in my own life. Jesus wanted me to learn to be like Him so He gave me children.

When I was so very helpless and overwhelmed and wanted answers, I turned to Him and to the Bible. How did He influence His disciples? How did he lead them in such a way that they all gave their lives to His cause?

Oh, how I wish the answer had been an easier one--Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend.

And then, He, the God of the universe, knelt down on the dirty floor and washed 120 dirty toes of men feet, the night He was going to sacrifice His life for these very same men!

Oh, Jesus, I never knew this is what it would take to be a true Christian--a believer with integrity. But, if giving up your life is what you did--as you said, for an example for me to follow, then it must become my own standard-the way to reach my own children--to lay down my life....

My time

My body

My energy

My emotions

My things

My dreams

Myself--greater love has no one than this

But, as I look back now, many years and many mistakes later,

Yet many moments of practicing what I knew was right

no sleep, washing one more dish, making one more meal, laughing at jokes, correcting attitudes, hugging, giving words of life, playing, and doing it all over again,

I now have my very own disciples who have given up their lives for His cause.

But now, they are my dearest and best friends and favorite people.

Selflessness, not a popular or contemporary value--Yet, it is what He is like. He only requires from us what He has first given--all of ourselves.

Fellowship with Him through this journey of motherhood, the deep places where our lives finally begin to understand what it took Him to redeem our own lives--the giving up, totally offering up His rights and time for ourselves, His very own children.

"When I finished reading this book, I immediately told Aileen that she would find it rich and encouraging. I want her to read it, because I know it will bless her...I very much enjoyed reading Desperate and am convinced that it will bless and encourage any mother who reads it." -From a review by Tim Challies, Challies.com

 Past Book Study Posts:

Tantrums in Barnes & Noble, The Motherhood Nod, and Being Rocked (Desperate Book Club – Introduction)

Desperate Online Book study, Chapter 1: Ideals and Going Under

Chapter 2: Not a Loner!

Chapter 3: Will We Live By Formula or Faith?

Chapter 4: Light a Candle, Don’t Curse the Darkness (Battling Depression)

Chapter 5: We See the Holes but God Sees the Holy

Chapter 6: Oxen, "Five-sies", and a Foundation of Love

Even The Best of Plans Go Awry

Joy found the tub in the hotel to be the best place to escape from the noise of the rest of us! (She looks so young!)

As we're about to wrap up our final weekend of conferences, the engagements and travels of many years come to mind. One I shared in The Mom Walk, and I thought you might enjoy this story of a time my own ideals proved impossible to reach!

Several years ago, the girls and I were given the wonderful opportunity to travel to Australia for several days of speaking and travel. The plans called for eighteen days of speaking--twenty-nine times total, in five different cities! Obviously we were very excited about the trip. We were dreaming of kangaroos and koalas, exploring places we'd only seen in pictures, and having an adventure together.

Little did we know the adventures would begin before we left the driveway!

I had high ideals for all I could accomplish before we left. Plans to stock the freezer with homemade food, leave the house in tip-top condition, and spend a lot of quality time with the boys (who would remain behind this time) were on my agenda. However, it seems my agenda went unnoticed by several key players.

One morning just before our trip, there was grocery shopping to be done. Opening my car door after an evening of freezing temperatures, I was puzzled by the brown freckles that had apparently appeared overnight--all over every surface of the car! Puzzled, I searched for the source--and found it in an empty Diet Dr. Pepper can. One of the children (names withheld to protect the guilty!) had left an unopened can in the car and the freezing temperatures had caused it to explode!

The very next morning, we returned from church ready to enjoy our usual relaxing Sunday afternoon routine. Heading upstairs to change clothes, I stepped into my bathroom ... and a puddle of water! The entire closet, bathroom, and half my bedroom were sopping wet. Clay shut off the under-sink water valve and ran to the garage to discover that the cold weather had wreaked havoc on our pipes, and there was water spewing all over the furniture, books, and pictures stored there--all precious things in storage between moves, including my library.

So much for a quiet, relaxing afternoon! Ripping up carpet, moving furniture, and frantically moving books and clothing to other rooms became the activity of the day.

By the time we left for our trip, we had eaten fast food for almost every meal, I wracked up a big library fine, got into a useless argument--about clothing!--with one of my teenage sons, and missed a child's piano lesson (which had to be paid for, regardless.) I put my credit card into the receipt outlet at a gas station and had to use my fingernails and a screwdriver to get it out--a little distracted, you say?! There were no meals lovingly stacked in the freezer, and as we drove to the airport, Clay suddenly asked, "What happened in here? This car is filthy! What is that junk all over the dashboard and seats? Good grief, it smells in here."

When I finally settled into my seat, thrilled to just be sitting after the previous several weeks of craziness, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. We were off!

And then, it began. The voice of the enemy and my own inner accusations ...

How can I speak to all these women? We have been in full-time ministry for over thirty years, and I can't even keep the car clean! Why don't I have my act together? What a failure these two weeks have been!

I leaned back into my chair, taking my concerns to my Heavenly Father. What did He think? I opened my Bible, and there was His answer--a comfort to my hear ...

Just as a father has compassion on His children, So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust."  ~ Psalm 103:13-14

How I needed that reminder that day! The One who created man and woman from dust knows--remembers!-- that we are dust. Whew!

Now if only I would remember that more often! Now, I wonder, what will this week of conferences hold?! Can't wait to see so many of you this weekend. I so loved being with such precious ones in Dallas.

Checking to be sure there are no unopened soft drinks sitting in the car........

Lighting The Candle: Battling Depression, Part Two

After each conference, I have had an ear-full and a heart full of stories fresh from the hearts of sweet mamas. Many marriages mended since last year. Mamas feeling inspired and whole after healing their relationships with difficult children. A sweet homeless mama who was treated to a conference last year and given a roll away bed--back again this year with 15 other women, having a new life, a new home and stability since a year ago. Dallas  also reminded me of the difficulties of living in a world that is fallen, one groaning to be restored to the original design of Jesus--I learned of a sweet baby who died several days ago, not being able to live any longer on life support; a young woman ending her life as a teen; a miscarriage; a husband who left his family behind for an affair. Yes, there are many stories of broken lives and pain.  (If you missed it last week, you can find part one of this series here: Light a Candle, Don't Curse the Darkness.)

Loneliness, sadness, discouragement can indeed invade our lives daily and in ways we never imagined.

My sweet friend and I talked today of how each of us has heartbreak and our own "thorns". Yet, we also talked of the hope and restoration and life He has given us in our own lives after many years of waiting--waiting for healing, for prayers to be answered, for His ways to become visible in dark and difficult places, and yes, to see that He is indeed God and that He is good.

Both of us talked of how much these trials had softened our hearts toward others in need. Now, we have more compassion and the ability to identify with many women, and a knowledge of the comfort we can offer as we share what helped us through our own difficulties. Learning to see God's fingerprints and His goodness, even in the midst of the battle, is a gift--we hold fast to His goodness by our will, by our faith, because we have seen His faithfulness and goodness come through after waiting on Him and letting Him be the Lord of our lives.

Now a few more points of encouragement to continue the series:

3. Learn every day, in every circumstance. I observed a very difficult relationship problem this week and the sadness of it deepened my compassion for those who are lost and hurting. It even made me rethink some messages I was working on for an upcoming mission trip. They will now be much more filled with grace, comfort and love, because of the lessons I learned in my own circumstances. I had a choice--to let the hurt overwhelm me or to say, "What can I learn? How can I move forward in graciousness and be sure that I never do this to anyone? What does a person who has been hurt like this need? How can I pass on this kind of love and comfort in my messages?" God's hand can deepen our hearts and love--He can turn things out for the good--when we walk the road with Him as our Counselor.

Your story becomes the platform for your message--your chronicle of God's goodness--if you embrace it as a place where God will intervene and turn everything out for good in His time.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28-29.

4. Figure out what is bothering you and resolve to get rid of as much stress as you can. I met a young mom last week who was very down and crying. She was very hard on herself and felt like a failure as a mom and was quite discouraged with her children. I asked how old her children were and she said they were 7, 5, and 6 months. Then I asked her if she had gotten a full night of sleep lately. Immediately her tears began to fall and she said, "No, and I feel like this season will never end."

We arranged for a friend to keep her precious children for an overnight, and this mom had time alone and time to sleep 9 hours, and by the time I saw her again, she was a different person. "I thought I wasn't going to make it, but you can't imagine how much better I feel about life and I even missed my children. I feel totally different about my circumstances."

Sometimes it just takes sleep to feel better. It is easy, when our feelings are overwhelming, to ignore our physical and emotional needs. Recreation, sleep, pleasure, love and grace are all things we can add to our lives which will indeed provide us the ability to keep going with strength.

Sometimes, it is the messes or the "relentless of it all" that pounds us down to our low places. It is at these points that sometimes, I have stopped all activities for a couple of days and just spent time getting everything back together. I hired someone to help me put my house back in order again and then I felt immediately better and lighter of burdens.

Other times, I have made a fun plan--to make time to do some things that I knew would fill up my emotional cup--as well as put things into my schedule to look forward to. Years ago, in the spring, I would always plan a fun trip for me and the kids and some other friends. This is the time of year I would become weary of the relentless work and Clay had to work long hours, so I would plan a short (or long!) history trip out of town with a friend and it gave us a break from mundane life, and we all became better friends and my children and I had a great diversion from the mundanity of life. After the Raleigh conference, Sarah and I will travel once again to Asheville for a few days, as we've done for six years now. Can't wait.

5. Of course, pray and spend time with the Lord. We are indeed needy people in a fallen world, and yet we have the profound privilege of coming into the presence of God with hope, because He listens to prayers and because He listens and answers us even as we would answer our own children. Learning to persevere in prayer and wait for God has been a lesson He has been teaching me for a long time. Often the very things I was worried about, over time, changed and showed me that He was working all along. When a toddler is exhausted yet doesn't want to take a nap, a kind parent will see that he gets one anyway, even without the child's permission! So God, who knows what is best for us, will put up with our tantrums and put us down for a nap against our will, because He knows what is best for us. So the sooner we learn to submit to His plan, the more easily we will find contentment and joy.

I do not want to make light of the many struggles we all face. But learning how to accept the limitations of this world, and choosing to see God's fingerprints amidst the days of trials, has given me peace, assurance and comfort to leave all the details in my life in His hands and to trust that in His time, He will indeed work all things together for His good.

May you know His grace and love today, amidst your life.

...

Need some encouragement today in the area of mothering? Perhaps you might find it in my newest book, Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe.

"With Desperate, Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson touch the tender, innermost depths of a mother’s heart. Sarah Mae articulates the struggles that may have remained unspoken in all of us. She is courageous and breathtakingly honest while giving voice to the real challenges of motherhood and the frailty of a woman’s soul. Sally Clarkson answers those anguished thoughts with sage, sound, gentle mentoring and the kind friendship of a woman who has walked the same path. Together, they offer today’s desperate (or even simply soul-weary) mothers hope, encouragement, and a tangible roadmap for navigating the rough paths along motherhood’s journey."

—Elizabeth Foss, author, Small Steps for Catholic Momsand Real Learning: Education in the Heart of the Home

Get your copy of Desperate here.

And don't miss SarahMae's discussion of Chapter Six here: Oxen, Five-sies", and a Foundation of Love!

Pulling in to my "Circle of Quiet" to keep my soul Alive

A circle of quiet in California after the mom's conference

Today, my circle will be quite different, in the cold, stark winter day on the opposite coast. But again, it will be in nature--celebrating life with my lovies.

Each of us, each day, is pouring out our lives. And yet, we all know that eventually, if you pour the contents of a pitcher out, it will become empty, unless it is refilled.

I poured out in Dallas--not perfectly, but all that I had.

And so today, I am in Raleigh, North Carolina, hiding, sequestered away with Sarah and a sweet friend, looking out on the winter trees, afrost with a bit of  snow and cold,

sitting in my red nightgown,

sipping Yorkshire Gold tea and listening to soft, instrumental music.

I am reading Circle of Quiet and pulling away, so that I may have something more to give next weekend at one more mom's conference.

Something does not come out of nothing (unless of course you are the Creator of the world who spoke light out of darkness).

And so I know that each day, I must pull away to refill, in order to be sure there is something of substance from which others may draw.

Here is what I read today that is a balm and reality to my own day ...

"We are four generations under one roof this summer, from infant Charlotte to almost-ninety Great-grandmother. A lot of the time it is twelve, and even more to feed. Cooking is the only part of housekeeping I manage with any grace; it's something like writing a book: you look in the refrigerator and see what's there, choose all the ingredients you need, and a few your husband thinks you don't need, and put them all together to concoct a dish. Vacuum cleaners are simply something more for me to trip over; and a kitchen floor, no matter how grubby, looks better before I wax it. The sight of a meal's worth of dirty dishes, pots, and pans makes me want to run in the other direction.  

Every so often I need OUT; something will throw me into total disproportion, and I have to get away from everybody -- away from all these people I love most in the world -- in order to regain a sense of proportion. 

I like hanging sheets on lines strung under the apple trees -- the birds like it, too. I enjoy going out to the incinerator after dark and watching the flames; my bad feelings burn away with the trash. But the house is still visible, and I can hear the sounds from within; often I need to get away completely, if only for a few minutes. My special place is a small brook in a green glade, a circle of quiet from which there is no visible sign of human beings. There's a natural stone bridge over the brook, and I sit there, dangling my legs and looking through the foliage at the sky reflected in the water, and things slowly come back into perspective. If the insects are biting me -- and they usually are; no place is quite perfect -- I use the pliable branch of a shad-blow tree as a fan. The brook wanders through a tunnel of foliage, and the birds sing more sweetly there than anywhere else, or perhaps it is just that when I am at the brook I have time to be aware of them, and I move slowly into a kind of peace that is marvelous, "annihilating all that's made to a green thought in a green shade." 

If I sit for a while, then impatience, crossness, frustration, are indeed annihilated, and my sense of humor returns."

~Madeleine L'Engle

For me, if I sit for a while, quietly, just listening to my music, reading my Bible, quietly, quietly, alone and rest--today is my sabbath day--then the assurance that He is in control, that my life is held and that all the fears and "gnats swarming around my head" are not a real threat in my life, then I will have enough to keep going and truth and beauty to keep giving.

This is harder to come by in some seasons--seasons of babes and teens when someone needs me all the time--but if I look for this time to restore, I know all will be more at peace as I have been a mom who took time to pull in to a center of quiet.

"Peace be with you today, the Lord is near."

And yes, in time, I will get back to mentoring Monday--but today, I will keep my priorities in order so that my soul will stay alive.

Depending Upon the Holy Spirit

"I don't know how other people make it, Mom--I mean, people who aren't Christians. Every day, the Holy Spirit gives me just enough grace and light to make it through this day's struggles--just enough to give me hope and strength for this day as I need it. And I sure need it! It's all making so much sense to me," Sarah continued. "If a person tries to be good and live the Christian life on her own strength, she will run out of steam and crash. It can't be done in our own strength. I'm so thankful that I know the grace and forgiveness and freedom of trusting in the Holy Spirit to help me through each day."

In John 15:1-6, Jesus painted a vivid word picture of what it meant for the disciples to have their lives in Him--to be filled with His strength and power through the Holy Spirit. He said, "I am the Vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). That's an eternal truth I must take to heart if I want to give our children the gift of faith.

To me as a parent, this "vine" reality has two implications. First, I must do what I can to stay connected to Jesus at all costs. Only when He lives through me will I have the patience, love, faith, strength, perspective, and understanding I need to raise godly, faithful children.

But the other side of this truth is that eventually my children must attach themselves to the Vine, not to me. Only the Lord can draw our children to himself. Only He can give salvation to our children. And only He can convict them of their sins. I can and must love my children, nurture them, comfort them, teach them. I can and must model for them what life as a "branch" looks like, and show them ways to stay "attached" through prayer, Bible reading, fellowship with other believers, and so on. But I cannot be their "vine," and I cannot play the role of the Holy Spirit in their lives."

~from The Ministry of Motherhood, chapter 12

Ahhhh, how much easier it seems it would be, if I *could* be their vine! If only everything depended upon me, and I could guarantee success or a connection to the Lord for my children through my own devotion.

Then again ... how silly to think that way! Surely I don't really want to bear that burden, and God never intended me to.

Faithfulness. Faithfulness is what is called for in mothers, and even that comes through our dependence upon the Holy Spirit. Jesus talking about the coming Comforter--at least nine times in these chapters--so powerfully before His death assures me that He is necessary and that I must not forget that through Him the promise is fulfilled that I am never without guidance, never without comfort, never without help.

"I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever, that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you."~ John 14:16-17

Take comfort, mama ... it is impossible for you to be alone.

Happy Happy Love Day to you and yours! (Easy Valentine's cookies!)

Yummer Wummer! :)

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread."~Mother Teresa

And that love-hunger is built right into the DNA of your little ones--and you!

We all crave to be loved, cherished, known, close, held, affirmed.

Everyone longs for love, is pre-wired to need love, yearns to be known and still loved.

The only one-word definition in scripture about God is this: God is love.

Jesus tells us in His last prayer, the high priestly prayer, that God has loved Him since the foundation of the world.

As we can see through the Father sending His son to save us, and through Jesus' example of laying down His life, true love initiates!

Because we celebrate Valentine's Day, it gives us the perfect opportunity, a marker to remember every year, to be sure we intentionally invest in loving those near us.

Take time this Valentine's day (or week!) to send love emails, love phone calls, to leave love cards under pillows, to fill someone's cup of their heart with love that they so need to receive. You will be God's hands, his voice, His touch today when you seek to give love.

Make a list of everyone you know who might really want to know you love them or who could be filled up by hearing words of love, receiving thoughtful gifts of love, touches of love, forgiveness of love. Valentine's Day is a perfect Day to throw out the score of wrong doings and to cover all in the unconditional love He died to give.

And of course, baked goods are one of the traditional ways we celebrate this little fun holiday. I have to admit that I love many kinds of cookies, but sugar is one of my all time favorites since childhood.

Here's a simple recipe for shortbread cookies you can also make to give to someone with your love cards!

Easy Shortbread Cookies

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups of flour (measure exactly or your cookie dough will be too dry)

1 stick  (1/2 cup) butter, softened

1/4 cup powder sugar

1/2 teaspoon almond extract or 1/2 -1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, depending on your preference!

A dash of salt

Optional: If dough is too dry to handle, add tablespoons of half and half, cream, or milk, one at a time--mix well before adding another if needed. Dough will be quite dry and you can shape it with your hands.

Step by Step:

The first thing to do is to combine the flour and salt in a bowl. In a separate bowl or food processor combine the butter, almond extract and sugar. The consistency should be creamy and it should be "whipped up" in appearance. The final stage requires you to gradually add the flour and salt mixture into the creamy mixture. As you add in the dry mixture, make sure you are thoroughly mixing in the ingredients. As the consistency seems to thicken up, use your hands to essentially knead the mixture.

After you have kneaded the dough, place it on a floured surface. The next step requires a rolling pin (or you may use your hand!) Flatten dough out in the shape of a large circle or square. The rolled mixture should be about 1/4 inch thick. Use a cookie cutter in the shape of a heart or a round cookie cutter that you can modify into the shape of a heart by using a spoon or your fingernails to create a bowed-in area at the top.

Sprinkle the cookies with colored sugar before you bake them--press the sugar into the dough so it won't roll off!

Bake at 350 for 12-14 minutes, being careful not to over-bake.

A Happy Valentine's Day to you all--with lots of love memories all day long!

Light a Candle; Don't Curse the Darkness: Battling Depression, Desperate Book Club Chapter 5!

(I am doing this Desperate discussion today, so I can have a Valentine's post for tomorrow. Somehow, "depression" did not seem the right topic for Valentine's Day!)

"It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

This quote is the way Joy began her history report about Eleanor Roosevelt. Seems Mrs. Roosevelt had much in life to get down about. Her parents expected a boy when she was born,  making her feel like a disappointment from the very beginning. Her mother told her she was homely, and she died when Eleanor was just eight. Her father was an alcoholic and died just a year later. She married FDR and he was disloyal to her and had an affair off and on throughout her marriage. There were other issues, too, but this amazing women decided that it was up to her to take hold of life and conquer all of her sadness. She left a legacy as one of the most hard-working presidential wives, and began and developed many wonderful community services and organizations that helped many unfortunate people. She was beloved by thousands and of course is still remembered today. Her life has been captivating to Joy. She has talked and talked about her over the past several years. "I really want to be like her, Mom. She could have been a victim, but she chose to rise above her circumstances and do great things." I have to agree with Joy.

Depression and discouragement are rampant in our culture today. Many people are sad and overwhelmed about finances, divorce, immorality, broken relationships, loneliness, illness, contention, and so many other things. We have had quite a bit of disappointment in our lives, but some of it I may never be able to write about out of loyalty and keeping integrity with those close to me. In the midst of a mission trip a few years ago, after having been in four different countries working with so many wonderful leaders and missionaries, I was struck by how many were depressed and disappointed with life. I realized that it would be very easy for most of us to be disillusioned in a fallen world. The issues each person was struggling with in those countries were similar to the ones I so often heard about at home: difficulty in marriage; less-than-perfect children, prodigals, compromised marriages and great disappointment, and the baggage that goes with rebellious teenagers; meager finances, loneliness and all the things I mentioned above. As I sat pondering this on a park bench, I realized that my own life was filled similarly with disappointments, but that I did not want to be sad all my life and I knew God did not want me to be a victim.

I will be writing about this whole issue of depression in a three- part series about Depression and Darkness, so stay tuned for the following articles!

 As I have studied scripture, it is very clear that there is a way to find joy in life and move from the darkness of depression to the light of Christ. He Himself said, "I am the way, the truth and the life." He is the way--not just to God and to redemption, but also the way to live on this path of life. He is with me on the way. Studying His life showed me secrets to follow to maintain my own joy and move toward contentment, and I want to share some of them over the next few days.

Disappointed expectations are at the root of depression. Sometimes we think that something will be one way, then find that thing disappointingly inadequate. We feel hopeless to change it, or to believe that something different or better can ever come. In order to work with our depression, we must put our finger on the sources that have caused the heart anger and frustration and hopelessness in order to be able to mount up over it. There are several specific things that have helped me in this area over the years, and these are what I'd like to share with you.

1. Don't let the nay-sayers get you down. Disappointment in relationships is one of the biggest reasons for depression. Feeling hurt, unloved, unappreciated, or scared by others who should love us but have shown us anger instead--these are major sources of disappointment. There are plenty of people around who are immature and are readily available to criticize, say hurtful things, reject us and argue with us, or let us down. I call these people nay-sayers, or Job's friends, or thorns! The nay-sayers want to disagree with you: your ideals, your spirituality, your personality and so on. Job's friends are those who smugly sit by, feeling free to say hurtful things or offer critical opinions in their Pharisee robes. And many in our lives have emotional scars, are selfish and immature or damaged themselves. Though it is certainly okay to be saddened by people who hurt us, we don't have to take their criticism or hurt to heart and we do not have to let these define us. I have some irrational people in my life who will be, and have been there forever! But even if they become angry or hurtful, again, I don't have to let their words or behavior enter into my soul or allow them to determine how I feel about myself. Sometimes it takes years to heal and to begin learning how to mount up over these relationships. But, slowly, I have learned not to take in someone else's anger, insecurity or immaturity. Jesus told Peter to forgive 'seventy times seven". Bitterness in our hearts only injures us further and steals our time and our joy. I can, instead, trust in the one who will always love me to build me up, to affirm me and to comfort me. Jesus did this: " ... and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously" 1 Peter 2:23.

And so, each time I am hurt or discouraged by one of my "thorns", I have practiced giving it to God and asking Him to hold to hold it for me. I then seek to find my center and live in God's love and affirmation and freedom. I talk to my brain and fill it with God's truth, rejecting those destructive thoughts and hurtful words, and replace them with God's word and His peace. Redeeming the situation by refusing to take the hurt into my heart--or body!--has given me the ability to be healthy in spite of my circumstances.

2. Don't live by guilt. So you blow it once in a while (or perhaps often!) accept God's forgiveness and move on--wallowing in self-condemnation only leads to more depression. You are forgiven--live in His forgiveness and don't rehearse your problems over and over again in your mind. Take your thoughts captive and put them in jail, never to bother you again. Jesus did this, too--He just trusted God. He put the situation in God's hands (I picture it as God's filing cabinet) and then closed the drawer for God to deal with in His time. I have a choice about whether I will be bitter and mean-spirited back to those who hurt me, or to be a peacemaker and just to practice 1 Corinthians 13-- "Love is patient, love is kind," and so on. If it is true that what we sow we will reap, then if we practice love and peace-making and sow seeds of kindness and grace, we will certainly become more kind and gracious and our souls will be filled with satisfaction.

Does this mean that the mean people will go away, or that you'll never again feel guilty? No, there will be sad times ahead, but I don't have to be a victim--or take it in.

FOR DISCUSSION:

1. What are the sources of greatest discouragement and depression in your life?

2. What about motherhood makes you feel stressed and depressed?

3. How can you take responsibility for your own happiness and make plans that will help you find encouragement, pleasure, friendship and fulfill your need to be understood?

4. Is there anything you need to get rid of in your emotional life--bitterness, a broken relationship, pride or anger at God-- in order to move on in life and to become free? What will you do to deal with this issue so you can have a clean slate?

Did you know that God cares so deeply for you? He sees you, and even collects your tears ...

"You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8

Remember, nothing and no one can separate you from His love. (Romans 8:38-39) I am praying for those who read here today. May you truly know you are not alone or invisible to God. He hears, He loves you and He will lift you up. May you be blessed.

You can learn more about Desperate and purchase it by going HERE!

Today at MomHeart Online: Don't miss Deb Weakly's post on Intimacy in Marriage!