And the people who were walking in darkness have seen a great light.
May the Light of the Lord fill your heart, your home, your life today as we celebrate His coming to us.
Many blessings to so many wonderful friends and encouragers I have met along the way this year. I wish you a lovely day.
I will be taking some time to focus on Him, my family and rest the next few days.
Peace be with you all, the Lord is near.
My favorite strong cup of cappuccino with just a tiny dollop of real whip cream atop—in a real cup. –makes me happy!
Tending Your Soul for the Holidays
By this time of year, all of us are up to our eyeballs in S-T-R-E-S-S if we are alive. All of my precious ones are home and we are in an eat, clean up messes, cook and then all over again in food, dishes, and loud conversations. Two of us have had a bad case of flu—me—(don’t ever remember aching and chilling so painfully! I don’t get sick very often, but this one got me down for several days.)
If I want to be an agent of peace, I have to sow peace in my heart by the ways I am living in my moments. And I want to bring peace to my family in the midst of all of their tension and needs. It takes intension and planning.
Every year at holiday season, I mean to be more at ease, more prepared. Yet, when life is flying by at light-speed, it is difficult to catch a breath in between the demands.
However, if we purpose to take time for our own souls, to invest in thinking of Him in such a way that our moments are full of His life, then even in the busyness, our lives will be different—lighter, more joyful, extending generous, gentle love out of a full heart.
For me it starts with: Time alone—where noone needs me, no one wants a bite of whatever I am eating and I can sit or read or just breathe for at least 30 minutes by myself! But finding this kind of time on a daily basis is so very rare.
Making personal goals so that I can avoid exploding during the holidays and other such busy seasons is so very important to a mom’s life, because the journey of motherhood is so long and most years without a break! Mothering has been an almost 30 year journey for me and so far, the demands on my time and life from my children has not grown smaller. We are still the main friends, supporters, encouragers and coaches to our four adult children, and now their needs and demands are just more adult and more expensive!
I have a few goals that I make sure to keep each holiday season to help me make it through with grace and to see that I am filled up along the way.
Everyone should have at least 10 minutes to sit—sit and stare, do nothing, breathe in peace, let burdens lift to heaven off of our shoulders, to discover what is on our heart—to center from the stillness of not being engaged in anything!
1. Make a short list of what your personal needs are and then put a plan into action for this month so you can be sure to fulfill them. If you don’t give your ideas feet to walk on, you will not end up doing as you planned! (a quiet, one woman tea time every day for at least 15 minutes to be still and to sit by the lights in our living room—to still my soul.)
2. Plan an outing, just for you, that will give joy to your soul. It may be having lunch with a special friend or going shopping by yourself, or a quiet walk in the silent snow. For many, many years, I asked Clay for at least one Saturday off a month where he would take the kids out for a play day—museum, movie, playground, park, out for breakfast/lunch; on a hike, Christmas shopping, or whatever. We planned that it would be for at least 4-5 hours. By him taking my children away, I could just sit in my jammies at home and do whatever I wanted. Sometimes, I would go out during the time for myself.
3. Keep a stack of books and or magazines that you can just pick up at the spur of the moment. Keeping your mind filled with inspirational thoughts, and or giving yourself a little quiet time, is more likely to happen if you have an immediate set of resources to read. (No internet will substitute for this time—your mind needs filling with great reading to keep alive and to give your soul food for thought through the moments of your life. I have been reading a C.S. Lewis day by day devotional, The City of Bells by Gouge, and Isaiah a tiny bite at a time. (As well as looking at a couple of favorite magazines with one of my girls, 5 minutes at a time.)
4. Identify some small items that give you pleasure that you can find every day to add atmosphere to your room/home. I always have music to turn on as it lightens my mood. (Pandora or play lists—on my phone, computer, always near by.)
I keep a stash of dark chocolate, salted almonds just for a nibble when I need a treat.. Also, I try to keep at least one room (the living room) where it is orderly, picked up, civilized. Then when I sit there, I don’t always feel like I have to pick up something.
Candles are lit, just because I like candles.
Bath salts are on the side of my tub, so that if I can squeeze in a hot bath on these cold winter’s nights, I can luxuriate for a few moments. (For me, this would be after 10 or sometimes 11 at night, as I do not get a break from people before then—and then I have to decide if my need is more for sleep or for relaxing—but the bath salts are there waiting for me!)
5. Call, write, make a coffee or tea date with someone who fills your heart’s needs or inspires your soul. (Though I am blessed with friends from many different places, there are a few very special ones who fill my soul just by being with them.) Actually, my children are now some of my most alive friends and fill me up just to be with them, and a couple more who truly give life and breath to my weariness in the midst of my days.
We all need emotional affirmation for our well-being as much as the body needs calories for physical sustenance. You have to take responsibility to nurture your own soul as usually, in this busy, fast-paced culture, no one else will think of it for you.
If you do not currently have a soul-mate, don’t go to that place of darkness. (So many women I know feel they have no true friends.) Go to a favorite book, a favorite author, have time at a private, more quiet coffee shop with your book, your journal, your Bible in hand and fill your own heart with the love from that book or from the Lord. My quiet, alone times in the midst of all my moves when loneliness threatened, became a foundation for my soul-life. Lonely times can be strategic times of holding all that is dear and stretching toward God. My life-messages have truly come from these times in my own life. Turn despair into hope and you will find light in your darkness if you turn your heart towards Him.
And most of all, clothe your heart with a decision to take joy every day—to notice God’s fingerprints, to see the colors and beauty and to breathe the moments of every day into your memory with as much grace as your heart will allow. This is the day the Lord has made---practice rejoicing and you will find yourself more content.
And lastly, give yourself generously to someone who needs a lift, a word of encouragement, a call, hope—give one bit of yourself to someone outside of your family, and your heart will be lifted when you exercise compassion on someone less fortunate than you.
Most of all, breathe of Him—rest in Him, ponder the baby Jesus and the generous love of our humble God and you will be more likely to give His peace, love and patience to those who need your patience, love, help and service. He wants to bless through you and bless you in the midst of it all.
“And the people who were walking in darkness have seen a great light. Those who live in a dark land, the light will shine upon them." Isaiah 9:2
“When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” John 8:12
As a little girl, lying on my stomach, flat on our soft living-room carpet, I would gaze up at our tall Christmas tree, filled with the wonder of the beauty of Christmas. A totally dark room, except for the tree, gave me space to rest in the beauty of the light. Music wafted in the background, and I lay quiet amidst the twinkling lights. There was something peaceful, hopeful about the lights that shined into the darkness.
At that age, I had plenty of time to just enjoy the sparkling moments and the beauty of the story of a little baby and a mama and angels singing and shepherds tending sheep—the whole story thrilled me and men of great wisdom coming from a far off land, seeking a King and finding Him with a star shining over his home.
“Silent night, holy night,”
These memories filled the crevices of my soul and captured my imagination and filled me with wonder—a truly great story if ever there was one.
Sometimes in the flurry of overwhelmingly busy lives, I think adults forget the wonder, the sheer innocent delight our children are prone to—if we do not get in their way. Time to ponder, to dream, to imagine is essential to cultivating faith in our children. If our children, if we, do not have time to ponder this light filling the darkness, we will miss the miracle, the sheer splendor of the story.
When children are so busy, they are burdened with the draining of constant activity of life, there is no room to ponder, no room to dream. Busyness robs children of soul-time, soul imagination and weakens their ability to cultivate faith. Busyness steals away the innocent wonder that is still a remnant hiding in the life of an adult.
When all of life is activity and none of it rest, the mind and body shut down.
Yet, to truly understand the gift of God coming to the world to bring hope, to restore hearts, to speak and live in redeeming love, we must have time to reflect on the meaning of His coming. There was the hopelessness of the darkness, just as in our day. People walking in darkness, living in hopelessness.
And then we remember and wonder at the hope that light brings, when one is living in darkness and has no way to go forward. And then to understand, that just as there is darkness in the days of our own life, there is still the love of God, coming again through a tiny baby, that brings light and hope to the light up the darkness.
As we sit with our children to enjoy, to breathe in the beauty, we cradle their warm little bodies in our arms and we ponder with them the light, coming into darkness. We humble ourselves once again to ponder the message—the miracle of light coming to all people through a mama, a child and angels promising peace and good will to man, because the love of God compelled Him to shine His light into the darkness so that always, we would have hope.
But to have our souls refilled with the sparkle of the story, we must still our souls, become as a child—for such is the kingdom of God.
Please join me today at forthefamily.org
And may God allow you some moments to breathe, to wonder, to ponder--to find peace and mystery.
I have received so many letters, emails and messages in the past few weeks from moms who are in the trenches of being a mama and need lots of encouragement. This is why we started our conferences--because I told Clay I needed encouragement, inspiration from grace-filled, inspiring speakers who would not make me feel guilty, but who would give me hope. And chocolate. And a nice lunch with friends and a room away with clean sheets that no one but me would sleep on! He laughed and then said, "We should try our hand at such a conference! And the rest is history!
Even after sixteen years of doing these conferences, we never tire of the excitement and anticipation of being with so many wonderful moms. And our seventeenth year of this unique getaway for moms promises to be a truly “inspired” season, because Sally will be speaking on Inspired! ~ Reaching Beyond What Holds You Back.
Dear Sweet Mamas,
After nearly thirty years of being a mother to four wonderful children, there is one thing I know for sure: I need personal inspiration to keep going. I don’t mean the “God-breathed” inspiration that wrote the Scripture, or even a daily “Aha!” experience of some kind. By inspired, I simply mean I need the daily reality that the Holy Spirit is breathing the life of Jesus into my life. I won’t write any Scripture, but I do want to be a “God-breathed” letter to my children, my family, and the world. It is God’s breath, His Spirit, in me that gives me the life to be a life-giving woman, wife, and mother. And I want to breathe a little of that life into you in our time together this year. I want to be sure you go back home “Inspired!”
Inspiration, though, is not a feeling. It is a choice. You have to choose to let the breath of God flow into your spiritual lungs to oxygenate your redeemed heart. All of us have things that keep us from finding that kind of daily inspiration from God, but the choice we each have to make is to reach beyond whatever is holding us back. So I’ll be sharing with you ways that you can be inspired by God to reach beyond your limitations, and then stay inspired as a mother in an often uninspiring world. I’ll be talking about how to be inspired spiritually, relationally, and personally. How to sharpen your vision to see your life through God’s eyes. How to practice life-giving living in a hope-killing culture. How to shine the light that God ignites in you so others can see His reality. How you can “be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is” (Romans 12:2). That’s what it means to be inspired.
Each year, I am more convinced than the one before that our weary world needs a restoration of life-giving biblical motherhood. Eve was the “mother of all the living” (Genesis 3:20), the original life-giving mother, and the world needs the life that God has designed mothers to provide. This Mom Heart Conference is just one way I can partner with the Spirit of God to renew the hearts of mothers. I hope you can join me.
When I see women gathering to be encouraged and equipped as mothers, it strengthens my spirit to keep going, and to believe that God is at work in mothers’ hearts. This will be my 17th year of ministering to moms in these conferences, but I feel like there is so much more yet to come. I am more energized and excited than ever before about what God can do through mothers in our generation. I hope you will join me on this journey into the heart of inspired motherhood.
In his heart,
Please share these dates and locations with your friends who need encouragement. We always leave inspired from the great fellowship of like-minded women.
A Table of Memories from my mama--the stocking she made me, the huge trifle dish she used to fill, (now filled with Christmas balls) the Mexican angel that guarded our Christmas table when I was a little girl. I don't remember the childhood presents specifically, but I do remember her love and the life she created to show us her love.
Just two more days and the kids start coming home.
I am frantically preparing food for 7-10 of us for 10 days so I won't have to cook much while they are here. There there are stockings and little stuff to buy--their favorite! The Shepherd's meal for Christmas Eve, must be shopped for and cooked. The snowball cookies, oatmeal scotties, Hello Dollies and sugar in all shapes with thick frosting--all will be expected. The hot drinks. The homemade meals.
So, in busyness I prepare.
But, really, there is a favorite gift that I can't buy, but will cost me a lot--that all of the kids want more than anything, but no one remembers to ask for it.
So, I concentrate at times, on the peripheral--those outward expressions of my life art.
But what they really want.......the very favorite gift of all, is me--all of me!
It is the one thing I forget to place into my schedule yet requires the most concentrated time. I have undervalued this gift in terms of gift-giving. it takes more time than all the shopping, baking, cooking, washing dishes, decorating, wrapping. As my children all invade my life, and come home for family time, it is the same thing they want since they were littles--me! It is mama they long for, and no one else will fit the bill, because we are the bestest and closest of frined--and no one else will fill the mama-shaped vacuum.
It is mama they long for, and no one else will fit the bill, because we are the bestest and closest of friends--and no one else will fill the mama-shaped vacuum.
They want me to listen. They want me to be their friend. They want me to sit, talk, watch a movie with them, focus on their needs, laugh at their stories, cry or sympathize with their pain. My children come home for me and all the love they cannot receive from someone else.
They want my counsel and prayer and all that they have learned to look for in my heart. It is the most important investment I ever made--to give them my heart.
They want my approval. They want me to laugh at their jokes, marvel at their stories, show sympathy to the injustices or failures in their lives. They want a real person who will invest and refuel their emotional tank.
No substitute gift can take the place of me. Personal friendship and close companionship is a far greater desire and heart need than anything else I could ever provide. And all it costs me is my time, my focussed attention, my heart, my love.
No bills will come forward because what they want, I must give now, at the moment. And, now, I am so very glad it is me they want! But evaluating this into time in my schedule and even more important, into my heart's willingness to give, is a choice I make, a priority I plan for.
This giving of self means, though I will not get everything else done, but I have to stop the doing to give the caring. I will never finish my lists--but I must decide ahead of time. I must put aside my unfinished ideals of what I thought I would get accomplished and understand that a happy mama is what they long for.
And so when they want me, I have planned that they will find my giving of myself generous in all the ways they longed for and truly wanted. Time is short and now is the moment to give my focussed love.
All children who have ever been loved and cherished by their mothers long for time with their very own mama! To be home is to be with mama (and of course Dad, too.)
But it is true of all the seasons I have been a mom--my children have always wanted me--not just my service that cares for their needs, but my heart that gives them my unconditional love.
As wives and mothers, we give gifts of our true selves to our families each day--or at least we should. When the milk is spilled, do we give the gift of acceptance and patience? When our husband comes home tired after an extremely long day, do we give the gift of listening and looking into his eyes, so he knows we truly care? Do we give our children the gift of a quick hug as they walk by? Or a butterfly kiss? Or a back-rub? Sometimes these are the same gifts we would like to receive! Just to know somehow our lives matter. And then there are the hours and hours of sitting on a wee one's bed to listen, to enjoy--not to wish away. Or the long talks at midnight with the older ones (why does this not happen at 7:00 in the evening?) or the little pitter-patter of feet when the sun is hardly up, of a child looking for his favorite--the mama!
Even as the gift Jesus gave us was Himself, His time, attention, love, teaching, encouragement, and it cost Him Himself, so it is the best gift we have to offer.
So, when they look for me, they must need to find the Christ in me. The one who loved, washed feet, fed thousands, gave his time and love and words of affirmation and then gave the ultimate--his life for ours. This is what they want and need this Christmas. It is something we can all afford to give and the gift without which none of the others will have meaning.
My 4--one adhd, ocd, odd; three compulsive ocd children, one obsessively fearful child, two introverts, two extraverts, two very driven and orderly, two out of the box, totally non-conformist. Two somewhat compliant, two who questioned everything I said and did. One actor-producer; one full time writer (books, blogs), one debater and trainer-leader; one dreamer and musical composer. (Aren't they cute?)
I am no expert, except on my own journey as a mom of such different children, who did not all fit the box of the norm--whatever that is!
Take a deep breath--it is a long journey, this motherhood call. Yet, it will be the making of your faith and character and will shape the character of the next generation.
No two alike--yet now I see that God created all of them to have different dreams, different work, different calls on their lives--yet all are so deeply connected with invisible threads that make them undeniably Clarkson's, fiercely loyal and best of friends.
There were times when I thought God had pushed me just too far.
I had learning issues to deal with, differing personalities, behavioral issues and just did not think I was a natural mom. I did love my kids a lot, but often felt over my head. Yet, now these many years later, it is easy to read back and see why the kids were so different and why God gave me out of the box kids.
And even, in spite of some of their challenges, they were able to become healthy adults, though at least 2 still deal on a daily basis with their long term issues, and always will. Many adults have hidden medical, mental and emotional issues that are not evident on the surface because they have learned to cope in a healthy way with their own puzzles. Often they hide mental illness or learning issues because they wanted to be understood, and understanding often came from learning to fit in.
I believe it was the culture of freedom, grace, faith we engaged in through our home culture, that God must have known what He was doing to give me such children. Slowly, I came to a philosophy of believing in dreams, the unique design of God on their lives, and avoiding competition or comparison amongst my children. I searched for who they were inside where their hearts beat with passions, interests, loves in life and that helped them to become healthy adults. As a young mama, I did not know or understand all of the letters that represent problematic issues with children (Add, Adhd, odd, ocd, mental illness, etc.) and yet, eventually, I could see that several of my children had some unusual, out of the box issues.
In a moment of frustration, my mother said, "Well, you are just getting what you deserve. What goes around comes around, because you were the child who would lay on the floor and throw fits if you didn't get your way. You threw a fit when your brothers got guns and holsters and all you got was a doll. You threw your doll across the room, wrestled down your brother and almost undressed him when you tried to confiscate his gun and holster."
That didn't help. I just didn't know how to handle one of my children until I learned his cues, but had no helpful or informative input. But learn I did and little by little we made it all the way through childhood alive! There are some basic tenets of Biblical design that helped me free my children to be themselves.
1. I believed that God had crafted them uniquely by design to fulfill a calling on their lives. Their very different personalities would eventually show me why they were so different and what they were made to do. Sarah was reading books hundreds of pages long when she was 6. Joel was harmonizing when he was 3. Nathan just couldn't do math--or grammar rules but was writing stories 100 pages when he was 12, if he dictated them to me, as he couldn't spell, either. Always, Nathan wanted to have his own way and do things that he had thought up in his brain. (my creative inventor). Slowly, slowly, I taught him to choose to submit his strong will to Clay and me so that we could train his character, his values, his decisions. Then there was Joy. Talking and questioning me from the day she was born who is ended up in college with a debate scholarship :O)
I learned to just love the unique people God had formed inside of me, when He crafted my children for a specific purpose.
Now, Sarah has become a writer, finishing her degree at Oxford, and she is still reading hundreds of books. Joel is a composer, still singing, working on film and television scores, producing his own original music.. Nathan is dreamed his own way through Hollywood--launching his first film under incredibly difficult circumstances. Joy entered college at 17, is on a debate scholarship--and is still questioning all issues, but now I can see it was a gift, not a detriment. Now she is getting her masters in theology at St. Andrews--all those questions are still bubbling up, but now they are focussed on bigger issues, perhaps to fulfill her long term work.
And the others had some interesting issues--but each required unique wisdom to understand their motivations and hearts and limitations, so that I could parent them according to their own bent. Study your children and pray for insight.
DON'T NEGATIVELY JUDGE A PERSONALITY, EVEN IF IT IS DIFFERENT THAN YOURS. GOD MADE YOUR CHILD THAT WAY FOR THE WORK HE OR SHE WILL SOME DAY ACCOMPLISH.
Out of the box kids may be in the box of God's plans.
Six Ways that helped give me grace with my "different" children
1. I looked for my children's unique personality traits. I tried to understand them when they struggled with our training or discipline to figure out how to speak to the heart of the personality God had given them and asked for insight into these differences that seemed to create stress in our relationship.
I have seen so many children rebel when they were forced to live within the parameters of conformity and legalism and when their parents tried to control them as young adults instead of setting them free to exercise their own spiritual, emotional and mental muscle.
Pressure to conform turns a child away from the heart of God, because a child is made to know the acceptance God has for them--as He made them the way they are. I am not speaking of not disciplining or training your child, but of making sure parenting is not working against the very way God made them to "tick," so to speak.
2. Don't try to train a child with learning issues or mental or emotional issues through harsh discipline or by using guilt. If a child has poor vision, you could not make him able to see by spanking him. He just needs glasses. A mentally ill child also needs medical help.
In other words, accept the limitations of their disabilities and learning issues. And children with medical or learning issues may require more of you their whole lives—it may never be easy. It is a part of the puzzle God has asked you to live by faith and grace.
Read and inform yourself the best you can about any issues your child is exhibiting. I researched all sorts of material on OCD and educated myself on what caused it, how to recognize it, how to deal with it when it was severe, (and yes, a couple of my children struggle with it excessively, clinically and will probably forever.)
I received some very idiotic advice from some people who were uneducated and were not knowledgeable about my children's issues, and learned discernment of how to throw out the foolish input I received. (""You just need to spank your child more," was heard many times. But that would never change the brain structure of my children with learning disabilities--it would just make them angry and frustrated.)
I was advised that all children who struggled with mental illness were possibly demon possessed, from one friend. (Does that mean that children who can't hear well or see well or have an illness are also demon possessed because they have a physical weakness?! of course not.) So be careful of who you choose to advise you--there are all sorts of opinionated people who offer no wisdom or insight at all.
3. Make the issues you "stand strong on" with your children Biblical principles. (fruit of the spirit training, telling the truth, learning to respect others, practicing wisdom) and not external rules of behavior.
In other words, focus on the heart issues, not the external issues. Your child may choose a different style of clothing, or like different artists in music or have a different sense of humor or be quieter than you--but that does not make their personality wrong--just different.
Enforce the non-negotiables and accept the gray areas that are a matter of taste and personality, but are not an issue of righteousness. (I remember that in some circles I was surrounded by, any young man who wore a necklace was condemned outright--or a girl who wore 2 earrings on one ear, or tattoos, or rock music or clothing--how long, how modest, etc. I have found that if you are cultivating the inside standards of heart, the outside usually conforms to acceptable behavior. But parents may lose the trust of their children if they focus on external man-made rules as the Pharisees did, instead of looking at the character of their children.)
Your children will probably be different, in some ways, than some of your values because they are of a different generation and may have differing personalities. Don't expect your children to confirm to cookie cutter proportions--no two children are alike.
4. If you have a very difficult child, or one so different than your personality that it is an issue daily, be sure to get some breaks for yourself. Fill your own heart with friends who love and accept you and understand you. Take time to have un-pressured time away from the "always problematic child" so that you can gain perspective and also so you can maintain your commitment to love the child. Grow in patience. It is a work of life. Refueling is essential, so we can continue to be gracious mamas. Some children are difficult for many, many years, but they will mature and respond in time. Don't feel guilty if you need a little break from your children to gain perspective and to restore.
5. Remember that God loves you. He has not made a mistake. He has not trusted you with more than you can handle.
He will give grace, but it is usually one step at a time.
My most difficult children are the ones who have given me the most relevant examples in m ministry to help other parents have wisdom in their own lives. If I had not struggled with my children and their issues, I would have never developed compassion with other normal mamas. The very problems and burdens drove me to God and to seek out more wisdom. He sees, He understands, He will lead, and he can open the hearts of our children in His time to cause them to respond to us and to help us to learn to respond in love to them.
6. Extend grace for gender, (boys have testosterone -and may be louder and more active, though that does not mean they are ADHD. But my girls are wonderful spiritual warriors, and very strong in personality and strong-minded, as well and great thinkers and teachers. Girls' hormones pre-dispose them to be mothers and nurturers—but boys can also be used by God to be gentle and practical--some male nurses are the most strategic in hospitals.
Don’t live by limiting paradigms that are not truly Biblical. God is a God of variety and diversity. He is the one who made zebras and peacocks and mice and elephants--let us not prejudice ourselves by false standards of what our children can and cannot do, because of arbitrary cultural definitions.
God made men who were artisans for the temple and woman who saved a battle by cutting off the head of a king, because the men were cowards; men who were great warriors and women who influenced historical decisions--Esther. Just use wisdom as God slowly reveals the design of your child and guide him with wisdom and faith.
Extend grace for age--don't be too hard on your first child, or micro-manage them. This can create problems in children that cause young mothers to suppose there are learning issues or behavioral issues, when their children are perfectly normal, but under too much pressure to "behave a certain way" before they are able. Sometimes when young children are pushed too early, they react out of defense and then behavioral problems develop.
Don't try to force your 3 year old to sit still to homeschool---give them room to breathe, to grow up into maturity, to play, to develop. We tend to rush our children when they are small instead of letting them be age appropriate in their behavior. Give them time and space to grow and to mature--it is a slow process for all of us. (As Clay once said to me, "How old were you when you quit sinning?!) Obviously I was expecting my children to be more perfect than I had ever been. Too much pressure and guilt creates misbehavior and rebellion.
So much more to say, but these are a few thoughts to answer some questions I have received. I pray it helps and pray for you mamas trying to figure it all out!
It is our sanctification and our humbling to raise the children God uniquely gave to us, but also our gift that God uses to shape us in the direction of His love and wisdom. God will give you understanding to be able to act wisely with your out of the box kids. May God give you the ability to breathe and to find freedom and grace for each of your days, and may you know you are not alone.
As I gaze over the decades of my life, pleasant memories float through my mind that comfort me, and wrap around my thoughts as a warm blanket of comfort. Life was fueled by learning a variety of faith stretching lessons daily as we were confronted by the challenges of in a foreign culture. My idealistic, conviction-laden husband found himself a junior pastor at the International Church in Vienna, Austria. Because it was one of the most expensive cities to live in, in the whole world, we searched for a proper place to live with a 2 1/2 year old princess, and the expectation of a baby boy yet to be born. Clay and I found a house with a friend who came to live with us for a year.
Our aged, crooked home was a tiny gray stucco bungalow, 900 square feet for 5 people to squish together and craft out a lovely life. Rooms as big as closets, rain that would pour down our walls--inside--when it rained and overflowed the roof, and an attic where pigeons would fly through the holes and get stuck in the attic. But the energy of young love, toddler glee and discoveries every day with a newborn son sang happiness and vibrance of life every day. Joel, had just been born by an Austrian midwife in the hospital down the cobbled street on a cold, windy November night. Growling when he was hungry gave us pause, as we had never heard of a baby that growled instead of crying. Sarah toddling around, would tell everyone who would listen that "Dod had diven us a baby boy--just like Desus was when he came to Mary on Christmas!"
Having heard the the story of Jesus' birth in the dark of our chapel one evening, she was sure that Joel was our own Jesus and she would look out the window each evening watching for the angels to appear to sing him a song.
On Christmas Eve, we thought our little orphan home had never looked more beautiful. Crimson candles shivered and waved each time someone would ring our bell to signal their arrival. and pushed open the front door. Our tiny antique square table that was built for 4, was laden with the swirling lights, of candles, winter fruit of red apples, golden pears and large polished hazel nuts. All crowded around in a mismatch of 8 wooden chairs, content to share in the friendly companionship of the festive evening as no one wanted to be alone on this frigid Christmas Eve.
Our party was quite motley but so happy to be together. A young Austrian woman, whose spouse had just abandoned her for another man; a young secretary from the United Nations from Taiwan; a refugee who had escaped his Middle Eastern country by hiding and running out of the borders, as the secret police chased him; and a young missionary from England, lonely on his very first time away from his family in England. Sarah sat chattering in my lap and talking about the angels. Our friend living with us helped me serve the shepherd's meal and we all sang Silent Night as a prayer, because it was the only carol everyone knew.
Hearts were opened by the beauty of bread, cheese and warm herbed soup was served as we spoke of the shepherd's who had received Jesus that first Christmas so long ago. My heart was warmed by friends from such different cultures who shared our table and celebrated the love that whispered his reality through the moments of the evening.
Four different languages were our mother tongues, as to philosophy, one Catholic, one "Evangelish" (Lutheran Reformed), a Baptist Asian and an Anglican joined us, as our agnostic guest listened and looked on with curiosity and with an open heart. I remember thinking that this is what heaven would be like, all unified, all tied together by the sharing of friendship as we celebrated His first coming, together, worshipping from our own traditions, but grateful for the Divine Love that had kissed our evening with His presence.
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Twenty-seven years later, as I view the internet landscape, it seems to me that rather than focussing on the love Jesus spoke of--("They will know you are my disciples by your love for one another,") I sometimes see division, pettiness, and mean-spirited criticism or just subtle condemnation flowing freely from the computers of fellow believers, to people differing from their pet convictions. Often I receive blunt criticism from people who have never met me but suppose to know me. it is possible for all of us to feel alienated and hurt by the divisions, but, as I always told my children, it is natural to fuss and have discord, but it is supernatural to have unity and to love well. It is a secret of the Holy Spirit to be able to give us love to cover all of our differences.And so I choose love and grace to extend to those who disagree with me. After all, I have so often fallen short of my own ideals, it would be wrong of me to stand in judgment of others who do what I might have done.
I wonder how heart-broken Jesus must be at our creating Christian law out of our personal beliefs and using that law by which to measure the motives and heart of others who may differ from us. And then using, at times, harsh words, to separate us from each other.
Once Joel read me an article that said there are over 143,000 denominations of Christians throughout the world. Then, glancing at me with a sparkle in his eye, he said, "I wonder which on of them is the right and perfect church, that really understands Jesus the best?!"
As I reflect on my long ago Christmas Eve, I feel the assurance that Jesus had knit our souls together, in our one creator, and mutual savior dispelling all differences and uniting our hearts closely together with His love.
Christian unity is possible with a variety of backgrounds when Jesus and His love is the central celebration point of unity that we share.
I understand that you, my friends who read my blog, have different doctrinal beliefs, different and strong convictions about how to celebrate Christmas or values about how to live life, and I choose to trust you and your walk with God in having made those decisions. Yet, it is my desire that everyone who comes here, will find Christ, His truth, His love, His messages about life and His Divine love which will unify all of us when we see Him face to face.
Let us not focus on our differences so as to make Christian law out of our own personally held beliefs, while judging other's motives by our own man made laws. But let us please the heart of Jesus as we bow before Him, seeking to please His heart by our own grateful and humble praise of Him who has given His all that His children might get along.
Even as I desire my children, and all who are at my table, to share in the happiness of fellowship and joy at the meal I have prepared for them to enjoy, so I imagine Jesus preparing that last feast for all of us, where we will celebrate His return and our final redemption and He hoping for our unity and grateful hearts.
Let us please our Father's heart by loving one another in the way He so wanted his children to live. Let us live in the Spirit of His love this Christmas.
Peace be with you, the Lord is near!
August Malmstrom
A normal day in the life of a mom! :)
No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it.
Hebrews 12:11
"Could you P L E A S E stop fussing again!" I remember so many times when I thought I was making absolutely no progress at all. Constantly I had to stand against my children's selfishness, self-centeredness, fusses, and "he did its" Then there was the, "How many times do I have to ask you to make your bed." (clean your room, pick up after yourself, not talk in that voice) and so on.
So many people who meet my children as adults and read our stories falsely get the impression that it was just easier for me! But, I tell you, I have earned every gray hair that is on my head--through stress and strain, lots of tears and endless praying--begging God for His intervention. So many sweet mamas think they have failed their children, are doing a bad job, feel guilty because they lost their temper, and think they must be doing a worse job than others.
The Jews resisted God, and so do we!
You only have to look at the history of the Jews in the Bible to understand that all of God's children resisted Him. Even as He entered Jerusalem, He said, " "O Jerusalem, Jerusalem, you who kill the prophets and stone those sent to you, how often I have longed to gather your children together, as a hen gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing."
The history of Christianity, all the way from Genesis to Revelation, is God's children resisting him! And we are still doing it!
So many times I wanted to have fun with the kids, bless them, and they would choose to act in a childish way and my plan, my hope for a peaceful moment would be spoiled and would require discipline once again.
If your children are resisting you, then you must be working against their selfish and self-centered egos and moving them into a direction of maturity. There is no magic formula that will make them mature. It is training them day in day out, "no not this, but this is the way to behave," over and over and over again. Giving them chores to do and coming along side and doing them. Teaching them manners and correcting and instructing them again and again. Helping them memorize scripture and using the Word to teach them about wrong attitudes verses good attitudes, training them to learn to love, helping them to become unselfish.
And of course, aiming training at the heart, their motivation, seeking to cooperate with their age, sex, personality and issues--learning to be a student of their inside attitudes is a mysterious process that requires lots of faith, wisdom and experience. I did want to have more kids so I could do it right with at least one child. But God's grace was always there and he took my paltry offerings, even as I have compared myself many times to the little boy with the loaves and fish--he took what I offered and made it enough.
My children did not usually say, "Thanks so much, mama, for feeding me broccoli." "Or thanks for all the hard work you make me do." or, "I just love it when you correct my attitudes and make me write out verses or empty the dishwasher or stay in my room alone. to think about my actions."
All discipline, as it says in Hebrews, for the moment seems not to be joyful but sorrowful, yet to those who have been trained by it, afterwards, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.
"Afterwards" from this passage, is when your muscle mass is sagging, your hair is turning grey and you have wrinkles around your eyes.
Hang on, mamas! All of your training will eventually matter so very greatly--but it may not, probably will not, be affirmed at the moment in which it is given. It is a long pathway of life, never instant, and always through some dark passages. But there are other examples to help us understand this way of excellence training.
In the same way that a music teacher not only teaches but inspires the child, gives them difficult songs to learn, makes them practice their scales and then the results are a musician buds into a talented, skillful person, so a mama intentionally trains, corrects, gives responsibility to completes, inspires and disciplines a child who then blooms and becomes a whole, healthy, strong adult.
Or perhaps you like sports examples better. The coach teaches how to do track or tennis, gymnastics, gives drills, requires practice, engages the child in real competitions and over time draws out the talent and skill of a child and watches him or her grow into a strong, competitive athlete.
We all marvel at Olympic athletes, because of their prowess. They were usually caught at an early age, trained, inspired and worked hard to become outstanding in their field.
Similarly, each of us has the hidden potential , capacity given by God, of becoming excellent, outstanding, strong, competent in so many areas. Yet, unless we receive training and discipline, inspiration and practice, none of us usually reach our God-given potential.
So, resisting training is normal, but the trained child will indeed become strong and healthy. God in his wisdom, designed mamas to be the life, heart and soul-coaches, the ones who would hold up the bar of Biblical ideals, train and instruct towards those ideals and then draw out the God-giving potential that rests in each of our children and in us, to bring about excellence of character and strength of spirit and grace in relationships.
Now, my children thank me for the training and the high ideals and all that we did to build in their souls the most excellent ways we could imagine. They are so very proud of their heritage of training and holding the bar high. (One of my kids is famous for yelling in an exasperated way, "The Clarksons have the highest standards of anyone in the whole world!" To which I replied, "And you are a Clarkson!"
Always I didn't think I was doing enough, or doing it the right way--because my children persisted in behaving like immature children! (Aren't children supposed to behave like children? :)) and yet I strained with all of my power to draw them to ideals.
The sunrise recently in Monument, Co, where I live.
"The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn which shines brighter and brighter until the full day. "Proverbs 4:18
But now I understand so much better, that excellence in character is a very long term process. It is a long path, which shines, little by little, like the sun peaking barely over the horizon out of darkness, slowly becoming a speck of light creeping over the night remains, and then, and slowly, eventually, becomings a sunrise of character, shining like a glorious expanse of golden light sweeping across the sky. What a reflection of character Solomon gave to us--a pathway that shines bright in the end.
And so, righteousness is a slow growing power inside of our children, formed by days, weeks, years of training in righteousness, love, beauty, joy.
All children to some degree or another (some are much more difficult and challenging) resist the training, as our own muscles rebel against demanding exercise when we are not accustomed to it--yet, this is the process of strength building--resistance and exercise.
Another side-blessing was that in taking responsibility for their souls, and seeking what was excellent for them, I became stronger, more mature and more excellent in the process--oh that God! He has His sneaky ways! And in the end, submitting to His training by requiring me to train my sweet ones, I end up becoming stronger and more the person I always wanted to grow into, also, little by little.
So, today, take a deep breath, lean into the whole miraculous process and enjoy the way. Reach high, over and over again. Don't take yourself and your guilty moments too seriously, persevere and you will see the wisdom of God flourishing in and through your own home.
You are doing a great job--it just doesn't always feel like it!
A great gift for Christmas for you and your Mama friends! A vision for training your children to have godly character! Order Here.
EXCITING UPDATE: Dayspring marked down the entire Love Came Down line today (12/6) by 60%! That means you can use my code, TakeJoy30, to get an additional 30% off those incredible prices!! Please note: this code is only good on the Love Came Down line.
As the year winds down towards its end and we all make our preparations for celebrations, gifts, and traveling, I am happy to let you in on a little secret. (Shhhhhhh!)
Dayspring is offering an exclusive code just for you, my dear readers and friends! For one week only, December 4 through 10, you can use the code TakeJoy30 to get 30% off anything from the Love Came Down Collection.
This beautiful line of gifts is fun--serving a Christmas cup of tea with a lovely design in dishes in festive cups!
The teapot and tea cups would make a lovely gift for a friend, or to set your table for an intimate Christmas teatime with your loved ones.
This adorable plate makes me want to have tea time every day, just so I can see these cute little red birds!
Of course, for my hot chocolate drinking friends, there is this red mug as well. Don't forget to use your exclusive code, TakeJoy30, to receive 30% off anything from the Love Came Down collection between December 4 and December 10.
Another collection from Dayspring that I think would make splendid gifts are these new wall plaques called Lyrics for Life. Each plaque has lyrics from a worship song, artistically arranged on a wall hanging. (In Christ Alone is one of my favorite songs.) Having the truths of scripture in front of our eyes and in our minds each day, can deeply impact us. Music and worship are an integral part of the Clarkson family heritage and traditions.
This song, Mighty to Save, is one that we sing each year during our conferences. It is strikingly powerful to hear hundreds of women lifting their voices in song together. What a reminder!
The Peanuts Christmas Special is a tradition in many families. Little ones would enjoy setting up and rearranging and rearranging and rearranging this cute felt nativity.
These hairpins are a bargain for less than five dollars. A lovely reminder to a young woman that she is a daughter of the king! And a great stocking stuffer.
And for the young men in your life, this mug is a proclamation of God's truth for them! Fill it with candy or another treat, and you have a simple and pleasant gift. One of my favorite passages that I made my boys memorize.
For those of you with toddlers that enjoy coloring, Crayola now offers a coloring book to go along with the sweet books, The Princess Parables. (Written by one of my dear friends.)
And lastly, this book is a family favorite. It tells the story of the three trees that will becomes Jesus' manger, boat and cross. This recordable book has your own voice reading the story as the child turns the pages. A meaningful gift for any child, but especially a grandchild that lives far away from extended family or a child with a parent on a military deployment.
May you enjoy this season of giving! And don't forget to use your coupon code, TakeJoy30, on anything from the Love Came Down Collection between December 4 and December 10, 2013.
Thanks, Dayspring, for giving Itakejoy this opportunity!
A scone from my favorite little tea shop--maybe ever! In Merry Old England
Occasionally I get so many emails and messages and never get time to answer them all, and I really wish I could have all of you over for tea at my house to catch up. But since I can't, I thought you could just look at a picture of tea and we could visit anyway!
Traveling Cheaply with Your Children--and How come I get to go on so many trips?
So many women have said or written, "I wish I could go on a trip to England!"
Clay and I dated and then got married when I was a missionary in Eastern Europe. I cut my teeth on 4 languages, love missions and travel, and so when we were dating, his commitment to me was that he would help me be able to travel and work in missions as long as God opened the doors. Now, after his back surgery, traveling isn't as comfortable to him, but he always sends me and sends me on adventures with the kids. I am so blessed that he has always understood the value of "international " issues, people and missions in my own life.
A friend of mine challenged me a couple of years ago to take 6 important trips when I turned 60--one for each decade. And she challenged me to consider what would inspire my heart and soul and fill my vision to help prepare me for another 60 years! :) And so I took her challenge and began to make plans. Returning to Vienna and Poland and reviewing my years there, the mission work I was a part of, and focussing on these countries for a couple of weeks was my first meaningful journey--seeing all that God had done over the years was so very faith validating. Then there was England, so inspiring on many levels--but for another time.
And so, I started saving money 2 years ago. I have this little box where I put money every month--for special events and journeys. Even if I can just put a little bit each month, it still grows the fund. Also, because of my speaking schedule and trips, I am able to save up points for free airlines. And the final blessing is that I earn hotel points at conferences to receive free hotel rooms for overseas mission trips. We almost always use these points for international missions, so I had saved up enough points to take 3 international trips and most of our hotel nights have been free. This happened with careful saving and planning and learning how to manipulate these systems over the years.
In our family, money is always an issue. (Isn't it in everyone's lives?) As there are always clothes to wear, cars to drive, things to fix, places you have so spend money. Consequently, we have accepted that it will always be this way. I wish I had learned not to fret about money much earlier in life, but to trust God more. If you focus on it too much, it becomes an idol.
God has been so faithful to us and finances are just a part of life--so it is not worth always living in worry about it. God provides and gives ideas on how to be more productive and work. It was a hidden blessing for our children to not have all of their wants met, because they learned to become more content with less. They also had to learn the value and joy of work! (They would do day camps in our home--history days, Mom's Day Out Days, all sorts of camps with kids to earn their plane fare for history trips--great memories and good experiences.)
APPLICATION: DON'T MAKE MONEY AN IDOL. LEARN TO BE CONTENT AND TEACH YOUR CHILDREN TO BE CONTENT (YOU ARE THE MODEL) AND THEN LEARN TO WORK HARD AND EARN THAT MONEY TO PAY FOR SOME OF YOUR WISHES--IT IS MORE FULFILLING AND CULTIVATES GODLY CHARACTER.
But all of us have worked a lot in our family, and now I even find my work such a blessing and pleasure that I feel so blessed. I have been a working mom all my life, (I would write books early in the mornings before Clay left for work, our conferences were a family vision so we all worked, and Clay running our ministry and setting up our publishing business. This has meant that we have all had to work together and every year and always, but now, looking back, we wouldn't change anything. (Except I would have had a full time housekeeper if I could have--wouldn't that be a dream!)
And so we knew that there would always be bills, always something would break, but that there would be some experiences that could not be measured by keeping a budget. And so we have always had a fund that we build up for these trips because they have been a commitment all of our lives--and it is a choice that has opened many doors for our children and broadened all of our experiences in life immeasurably.
Is there something God has put on your heart that you would love to do as an experience or training grounds for your family? Write it down. Make a plan. Work towards it as long as it is within God's will and blessing.
Trips and traveling started when my children were 12 and under. For many years, I used to offer to speak to support groups in places I wanted to travel with the kids (historical places and interesting places.) I always had a friend and other children who would partner with me in these schemes. (Clay did not want us to go alone and it was more fun.)
Usually, people from the areas where I would go to speak would take a love offering to pay for my speaking and often they offered to keep us in their homes. Oh, how many wonderful friends I have met from staying with them in their homes--you know who you are and how much fun I have had staying with you!
On the road, we split meals, sleep together in tiny hotel rooms--even if on the floor--but thankfully those years are gone. Eat bread and cheese and simple meals while traveling and know how to have deals.
APPLICATION: WHAT ARE SOME OF THE THINGS THAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO SOME DAY DO? START DREAMING AND PLANNING NOW AND ASK GOD TO HELP OPEN DOORS FOR THESE HEART DESIRES.
England specifically: Joel and Sarah both had long term reasons to be in England and to pursue some of their own dreams, so they saved up for their own plane trip and we all used our points and had a very reasonable trip to England. But it takes planning and saving. More on how to travel in another blog.
THE LITTLE YEARS--another issue
Many women lately have written me about how overwhelmed they are with so many little ones and resenting the limited lives they have..
I know just how you feel. There were so many years when I just could not see the light at the end of the tunnel, but now at 60, I am getting to do a few things that are dreams come true. It took years of waiting and hoping--but the wait was worth it!
When I was surrounded by 4 young children, messes, needs, ear infections and making meals around the clock, it seemed, I could only dream of ever taking a trip to England with one of my children--or even by myself. For most of our years, doing the basics day in and day out was my lot. There is a real truth that the early years of having babes is very much like boot camp. It is immersion into a totally different lifestyle, little sleep, a learning to give up all of yourself and time--even though you were never expecting it to be this hard--and without training or help--and then feeling like you will ever come out of this season alive.
But, I promise you, this season of littles will pass. And all of my friends my age, and I, so miss that cuddly, warm cooing baby and the warm tender minutes of quiet singing and rocking and loving a little one. At first, though, becoming a mama of 3 under 5 left me gasping so many days, but falling in love with my little ones and turning my heart to God's heart in parenting, helped me to enjoy it more.
Spend lots and lots of time and attention with your children and in loving them and caring for them when they are very young and they will grow stronger, faster, become your own best friends and be easier to manage in their older years. Children who are resented or neglected or left unattended when they are little seem to carry their unmet needs to other seasons of their lives.
APPLICATION: INVEST TIME AND LOVE IN YOUR CHILDREN WHILE THEY ARE YOUNG AND IT WILL PAY DIVIDENDS THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. TAKE A DEEP BREATH--EVERY DAY YOU ARE BECOMING STRONGER AND MORE CAPABLE AT YOUR ROLE AS A PARENT.
Never a break but it does get more and more fun!
But, I hate to tell you this, you are never ever going to get much of a break from your children. I raised mine to all be idealists--imagine that, since I am so idealistic--and now all of their ideals cost so much in time, help and money. (Joel's albums and music ventures are truly wonderful and blessing people but of course there is lots of help and design and marketing and recording, etc. and we get to help and be involved. Sarah is a starving artist writer--and so has been with us off and on for years--publishing is a demanding work--deadlines, proposals, marketing, and then those lean years of writing and figuring out a day gig. Then there is Nathan! Hollywood, really--you want to do what? Become an actor? Produce a film? How are you going to do that? How will you raise the funds.
So little issues, like taking care of your children, grow into bigger issues--driving, college, jobs, more houses--
But, because all of us Clarksons are so close and dream together, what one does, all support--so as a mama, I try to promote their dreams, projects, give time, help, finances and spend a lot and lot of time just being a friend to them. All of my children live and work in very broken places--(Hollywood, New York City, London, Oxford, Boston--and all have been confronted with such testing of faith and morality and values and loneliness. A mama of older's spends so much time on the phone, in counseling, encouraging, praying, helping and supporting. I am so very thankful we are all so close--but there are no other people out there for my children who seem to offer the same kind of friendship and spiritual underpinnings--so my commitment as a parent has never allowed me much free time. It just goes on and on--but now, my children are my best counselors, companions, fellow dreamers and intellectually stimulating companions.
APPLICATION:DETERMINE TO EMBRACE THE LIFE GOD HAS GIVEN YOU AND CULTIVATE JOY IN THE MIDST---IT IS BETTER TO DECIDE TO LOVE GOD'S WILL THAN TO SPEND A LIFETIME OF RESENTMENT AND NOT BEING ABLE TO CHANGE IT ANYWAY. A MEANINGFUL LIFE WILL ALWAYS BE A LOT OF WORK AND COST YOU YOUR BEST IN TIME AND COMMITMENT.
OFF FOR NOW, BUT WISH I COULD TRULY HAVE MANY OF YOU OVER FOR A CUP OF TEA--BUT THESE QUESTIONS KEPT COMING. THANKS FOR YOUR TIME.
OUR LITTLE TEA SHOP IN ELY CATHEDRAL--SOOO CHARMING!
