The Clarkson Team--Nathan, Rachael, Joy, Sarah, Clay, me, Joel--
Writing our history together on a yearly Family Day gathering.
Darkness had filled my soul. It was one more time of, "I just wish I could quit! Life feels too hard. I don't know how to keep going. But, I got up one morning and knew in my heart, my children just needed me to put one foot in front of the other and reach out to them to have a good day. An idea came to me of how I would start our week with a surprise.
Then came the story in the video which brought Nathan to the point where I begin to tell his part of the story--he not even knowing or being aware that his mama was down. But his pronouncement reminded me that I was indeed blessed and had a way forward. Our little gang, belonging to each other, gave me what I needed to keep going with hope. Our team pulled me through.
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Chocolate frosting and sugar sprinkles decorated each corner of his mouth with a tiny piece hanging from his nose. Nathan, at the full-boyness of a wiggly 9 year old, pulled the tee shirt of his jammies over his knees and pronounced, "I just love being a Clarkson. It makes me happy to be in this club."
For the rest of the story, you will have to listen to the video!
Each of our children was born to want to be a part of a family--with history, traditions, purpose, a sense of mission and foundations of mutually shared stories, comfort given, mutual core values, battles won and celebrations shared.
Why do your children need you to build a strong family culture? Your own sense of "We are a team together. We belong to each other!"
Because they will face lonely times ahead and with the love of siblings, life is not at lonely. Because problems of life in a modern world will come, and a close community of "us" can help each other through and shape souls on shared sufferings and celebrations.
Because being a part of a close family who is purposeful about living for Christ, brings meaning, purpose and love that will carry each of the members through years of challenges, difficulties and the isolation of feeling different than most people in this time in history--a place to always belong.
Because when you are older, you will have built your own best friends who will help you, love you and built their lives on the very same values and pleasures that you will share together for ever. Having children who are your best friends is just the best!
In Genesis 1, before the fall of man, before sin entered the world, God proclaimed the family as the unit through which all of the world would be organized. He gave Eve to Adam, and blessed them and gave them work to do,
"And Then God blessed them and said, "Be fruitful and multiply. Fill the earth and govern it. Reign over the fish in the sea, the birds in the sky, and all the animals that scurry along the ground."
1. Be fruitful and multiply--have children! Psalm 127: 3 says, "Children are a gift from the LORD; they are a reward from him."
2. Fill the earth and govern it--Our job is to go into our world and take responsibility over it--in the context of our family--how will our family bring God's messages to the world, bring his light, use our skills, do our work, bring order, meaning, life, goodness and fight against evil.
In sports, the team is usually only as strong as the coach that leads it.
The athletes have capacity, natural strength, but it is the coach that hones those capacities, rallies the team and brings out its best attributes. The coach leads the direction that the team follows. The coach establishes mutual respect and cooperation amongst the team, the coach helps build a team spirit--one for all and all for one.
Building a team is not always straightforward. There are failures. losses, casualties, injuries. But a healthy team mounts above all of this together and keeps going forward. Some games are lost, some are won, but the coach keeps them moving forward.
God has given us as mothers, the ability and call to organize and lead our home team to become a unit together--to live fully into our potentials.
I am not speaking of usurping the leadership of our husbands, but in most homes, the mama keeps the life going. "A wise woman builds her home, and the foolish with her own hands tears it down."
How do we build a strong family spirit? A love for being a part of something bigger than just ourselves? A sense of belonging to a kingdom call? A call as a family to build a history--a story of significance for a kingdom in this world?
How to establish a family team--or your home team? (I will be speaking to these issues tonight at the webinar--the Biblical foundations that give us a plan, a way to go forward, and path to walk on.)
The mama's heart is truly the source of strength, wisdom, encouragement. leadership, love and faith. If the mama's heart is filled with understanding, truth, and purpose, then she will have confidence in knowing how to lead her little ones to the purposes of God.
If a mama does not have the vision and understanding of how to lead her little team, to coach her children in this way, then she will likely go the way of culture--listening to the voices all around her--and establish her family's foundations on the sands of false values instead of on the solid rock of God's word and ways.
Our family had lots of flaws and we made lots of mistakes and had to grow all along the way. But the spirit of loving one another, belonging to each other and to a greater purpose covered over all the blunders. Our connection and love for our little team or club, so to speak, kept us growing strong at each juncture of life. We had a sure foundation to go back to in our times of confusion.
The following are a few of the ways Clay and I established a sense of belonging and purpose to our children.
Following God's priorities: And He said to him, “ ‘YOU SHALL LOVE THE LORD YOUR GOD WITH ALL YOUR HEART, AND WITH ALL YOUR SOUL, AND WITH ALL YOUR MIND.’ “This is the great and foremost commandment. “The second is like it, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR AS YOURSELF.’ “On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets.”
Love God:
The first of the 24 Ways our children learned and heard over and over again was, "We love and obey our Lord Jesus Christ with whole Hearted Devotion."
Then we established the rhythms to teach this priority:
Each morning devotions--reading scripture, learning the Bible stories, memorizing favorite passages, praying each day, starting the day worshiping Him.
Each evening, we ended the day with prayers at the bedsides and then a blessing, "I love you so much, I am so thankful you are my child, God loves you, too and will always watch over you and be with you."
These words go deep into the psyche--words spoken when a baby is being nursed and cherished, songs sung when a toddler is rocked, words spoken throughout childhood and appropriately given through out teenage hood and into adulthood--Words repeated in prayers, in daily moments, at night, on holidays, as oxygen of life.
Love God,
listen to God,
He is with you,
He loves you and forgives you,
He guides you in wisdom,
He will always be with you.
The second commandment:
Love your neighbor as your self.
All day long, we practice love, correct attitudes, teach them to serve.The rhythms, all day long, shaping a heart of love, "Be kind to your brother, how could you have said that more graciously?
"You two will sit on the peace-making couch all day, if you must until you can make peace and ask for forgiveness."
Or you can write out this verse, or 24 Family way 5 times with the memory verse and write a short paragraph about what is means."
"Why don't you write an encouraging note to your sister and leave it on her pillow to tell her you love her tonight?"
"Let's surprise Daddy and have the house all cleaned up when he comes home with candles lit, music playing and a nice cold drink to tell him how special he is to us--he has had a very hard week."
Words, words, words, "God has called us to be a family forever, so that we will always have someone to help, to love, to support and to carry values together." "You will be brothers forever, learn how to love each other now."
The daily rhythms that knit hearts together---breakfast together, starting the day with a blessing, dinner eaten at night with no machines present--no tv, no phones or games, all about talking and loving and sharing--every night builds an expectation of talking, enjoying each other, celebrating life together each evening to close the day's events well.
Then a once a week movie night, a Sunday morning feast, an afternoon cup of tea for everyone--(or juice, hot chocolate, cider) for a 10 minute break together,) a Sunday afternoon tea time every week, forever.
Family Day celebrated once a year to acknowledge the fingerprints of God in our lives--what has He done through the days of this year? How has He provided? How has He answered prayer?"
We start out celebrating breakfast together reading the passages about Joshua mounting the stones of remembrance and then we mount our own stones. We have our own years of a notebook of family history from taking time each year to remember together what we are about.
Loving and serving people was also a part of loving others as ourselves--but a ministry focus, something we had to build in to our lives and into our life schedules and priorities.
Taking meals to those who were ill or had a loss in a family--making them together.
Hosting once a month game nights or music nights in our home to build community with others.
Starting mom's conferences as a family and serving together all of their lives.
Starting regular Bible studies in our home for girls, or guys, or moms or families--different groups at different times--but all of us seeing our home as a place of outreach.
Volunteering at church.
Inviting people into our homes on holidays to share meals who were lonely.
Giving to the poor.
There is so much more to share, and that will be in a book coming out next year!
But these plans, these foundations gave our children messages in their hearts that still speak to them today, practices of loving and learning to make peace, serving together and watching God work through our family. The sense that "This is what we do, this is who we are, this is how we work--we are a team, closely knit in purpose, values, calling." And that sense of belonging to something greater than their individual calling, has built close committed relationships that keep giving life, love and meaning to each of us.
But in essence, we need to understand that our calling is together, our purposes are as a family, our strength comes from not being alone in the world, but always having a place to belong, a group to be a part of--a family.
Your plan will determine your actions and what you will build long term. What values do you want your children to love? What work has God given your family to do? What stories uniquely suit your family for their purpose and investment in the kingdom together? What messages do you want your children to cherish deep in their hearts? How are you speaking these messages to them daily?
These are foundations that must be planned, implemented and built over the lifetime of a family.
These are some of the Biblical issues we will discuss tonight. Ten Foundations for flourishing in every season! Hope you can join me. Register before 5:30 mountain time, as we will be closing down registration in order to get ready for the conference tonight. Can't wait. Love meeting with all of you!
Winners of the 2 tickets to the e-conference are Beverly Steele and Janelle Spiers! Congratulations!
10 Foundations for Flourishing in Every Season!
Join me tonight, live at 7:00 Mountain, 8:00 Central, 9:00 Eastern, 6:00 Pacific!
You can purchase today and watch later.
(The cost will be slightly higher after the conference is over, due to administrative overhead.)
"Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful; and let us consider how to stimulate one another with love and good deeds, not forsaking our own assembling together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another; and all the more, as you see the day drawing near."
-Hebrews 10: 23-25
I am so thankful for your blog and your books have been such a blessing in my life. I consider you my mentor though you do not know me personally. I’m sure this is the wrong “forum” to ask a question, and if you do not respond I understand. But I dare to ask anyway.
What do you do when your life doesn’t come close to how you believe it should look? I read your words and I’m thankful for the vision you cast. But for some time the vision I have for my home seems so far from my reality and I have no idea how to reconcile the two, even in my mind. Discouragement and frustration have started to seep in.
As a mama of three little boys, a homeschool mother, and a pastor’s wife, I don’t believe there is enough of me to go around and I’m starting to feel like I can’t even cover the basics, much less enjoy the riches of this season. I’m sure this is just part of the journey and a part of life that every wife and mother must face, but I don’t want to end up taking the wrong path because I gave up hope for the best.
I feel guilty for more and more things – what I cook (or don’t cook), allowing my children too much watch TV or play the Wii too long, not teaching them well or enough or the right things, not keeping up with just the daily things that make a house run, letting down those that I love most. Is there a way to hit the reset button and just start over once you’ve allowed habits to form in yourself and your children that you don’t like? I believe God’s grace is enough. And I value wisdom from those I know have walked this path and stayed on course."
From A heartfelt comment I received yesterday.How great her attitude to seek wise counsel. I would find wise women and then copy them!
Countless times, I felt like I was not accomplishing anything productive. This is such a hard job, to love, educate and help shape our children's faith. It is especially challenging in a culture that offers so much differing advice that brings voices into our heads, which then that produces guilt and inadequacy. This same culture is isolationist and provides few support systems or Biblical direction.
So many moms feel this way, but feelings do not necessarily determine reality!
Five principles have helped me when I am overwhelmed.
1. Remember. God is with you to help you succeed.
"If God is for you, who can be against you." God is for you--for you. He wants you to succeed. He wants to work in your home. We are not adequate to complete the task of shaping our children's hearts, minds and souls by ourselves. When God's Spirit is working in our midst, He will take our fish and loaves, all that we have to give to Him, within our own limitations and together with Him, our labor becomes enough. I lived into this principle, asked God to make up for my shortcomings every day, and by faith lived as though what He promised was true. He is for you, mamas, if your heart is to serve Him. He has compassion on you, knows your weariness, and is your champion.
2. "There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Romans 8:1 There are always do-overs in God's economy. All of us mess up, (He is mindful that we are but dust! Psalm 103) Peter blew it royally when he denied Christ at his hour of need, but before he even sinned, Jesus knew what was going to happen, and told Peter he had prayed for him. Jesus had compassion before Peter had even committed the act of denying Christ.
I wonder why we have the illusion that we are supposed to be perfect. Mamas, don't be so hard on yourself and live within your limitations. You will not ever be perfect or do it totally right--not now, not next week, not even when you are 60! (Maybe when I am 70, I will be perfect1) And to live in guilt because you have blown it or yelled at your kids or made mistakes is a big drainer. Depression is often the result of disappointed expectations. And often we disappoint our ideals.
But this is the fallen world, and we will never be able to control ourselves, our circumstances, our children or the world the live in. We live in grace and move toward maturity little by little. And so do your children. I promise, little by little they will grow up.
And your children will never be perfect, either. Love them as they are. Believe in them, touch them. Let little boys be boys, as you train them little by little to be heroes and leaders--civilization comes from a mama who treats them with respect, and gives them a heart to be dignified.
Let little ones be innocent and enter into their stages of life with joy.
Living in the grace and knowledge that God forgives, knows our limitations, is not surprised or disappointed, but wanting to give us hope is so very crucial. Don't listen to the accusers voice. Of course you have fallen short--you are a mom and you are human.
3. "He lay down and slept under a juniper tree; and behold, there was an angel touching him, and he said to him, "Arise, eat." I Kings 19:5
Elijah was so very weary from spiritual battle that he despaired of his life--wished he hadn't been born. But God knew he was extremely exhausted, battle worn, weary. So the first thing God did when Elijah poured out his heart to Him was to put him to sleep. He slept a long time--took time to physically rest. Next, and I love this, an angel touched him--physical touch, a hug, an embrace, a hand massage, a real massage, is a personal healer. I love it that God's angel touched him and brought him comfort. Then, he still didn't give him a lecture--instead, the angel fed him.
Sometimes mamas have been going for so long without a break, they start breaking down. A wise woman will learn her limitations and learn to say "no" so that she does not live in a constant state of exhaustion. And don't feel guilty for saying no. You can only hold so many ideals at once, so be sure to hold on the ones that matter. And do what you are best at doing--don't compare your life to someone else. And you may have to say no to some ministry at church for a season. Be reasonable--Jesus would never ask you to do everything--that is something you are putting on yourself--I know! I was in ministry and want to be available to everyone--but I just can't meet all needs and have peace in my home. You might just need to start out your new beginning with sleep, a touch of gentle love and eating well--perhaps exercising--and then take time to ponder and plan..
We are not just minds and hearts--we are bodies with limitations. If we over-exert, we will crash and burn. When others are taking from us 24/7, we must wisely learn that taking care of ourselves is essential to our emotional and spiritual and physical well being. This season, if you are tired, be sure to take a break--get some rest, seek some physical comfort and restoration, eat well. You deserve to be cared for--even if you have to plan for it yourself. I know I kept waiting for someone to give me permission--didn't happen. Finally, I took responsibility for my own happiness so that I could be happier and stronger for my kids on this long term journey.
I make beauty to remind me that I am worth something-I light candles, get some flowers at Sam's or Costco's--the kind that last 2 weeks, and I play music all the time.
4. "He who walks with the wise, grows wise, but a companion of fools suffers harm." Proverbs
You might need some inspiration, some help, some counsel, some perspective. Find someone older, more experienced, wiser to meet with and ask them to help you come up with a plan. Sometimes this is easier said than done. But I have found that when I give up my pride and take the courage to pour out my heart to wise people or more mature people, I usually find compassion and often find help. This is not always true--be discerning about who you entrust yourself to as there is a lot of foolish advice around.
My mentors for many years, were books. I was always finding books that were written by women or men older and more insightful in life. People will die for lack of instruction. I would seek to read, educate myself, find wisdom, find models of wisdom, integrity and I was a learner. I determined to learn and to get better every year.
This means being teachable and changing when we need to. We were also built for community. That is why every book I have written, I have designed to be able to be used in a small group, because godly friends are essential to my long term growth. Find wise people, books, conferences, a church, the word of God and gain wisdom. Just decide to get better every day, every year--grow, progress--don't expect instant maturity on your part or your children's.
5."But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, reasonable, full of mercy and good fruits." God's wisdom and leading lead us to peace, mercy and good fruit. Each of us must evaluate--what is stealing my peace? What is sucking my energy? How can I change it? This is a long distance run, not a spring--wisdom from above will teach you to pace yourself--and not to say yes just to please others. You are quite free to be yourself, live your own story, live within your own limitations.
What notions are misleading you? Boys are given testosterone from God for a reason--they are supposed to grow up and be strong! Work with them, accept their noise, invest in their hearts, don't try to control them--lead and inspire and train them little by little. (The 24 Family ways is a great tool for beginning to lay foundations for all the family together.)
What is not producing good fruit--your schedule? Your lack of rhythms and consistency with your children? Your lack of training with your children? Then put your finger on what is bothering you and make a practical step forward. How are you going to eliminate the stressors you have control over? How can you eliminate some of the drainers? What is one way you will become stronger and more disciplined in the next month. Be very honest about what you must cut or quit doing or is your flaw and be vigilant about pursuing the wisdom that provides peace and good fruit.
Do first things, first. I always did devotions with the kids, first, every day. And then I read to them next. Because worshipping God has stayed with them as the oxygen we breathed every day and reading has taught all of them to think. So if I didn't get anything else done--thy would worship God and engage in ideas--this has made all of them intellectually strong.
Say no! Limit yourself. Don't accept responsibilities out of guilt. Don't join activities because of voices. And also, write down what fills you, inspires your heart, gives you a break, helps to keep you going a little bit longer--that is wisdom--creating a life that is more pleasant for yourself, more doable. Don't copy someone else's life, and don't compare your children to others. Be yourselves and live your own happy story. God wants you to breathe and have freedom.
Well, I could go on for another 5. But, these are just a few of the things I have learned to do when I find myself walking a dark, discouraging path. Remember, there is always hope when you live in the love of God. This task of raising healthy, godly kids is not beyond reach. You just need to own your commitments, your wisdom, your choices and practice growing stronger. It doesn't happen all at once. And remember,
"The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn which shines brighter and brighter until the fulll day." Proverbs--every day, a little more light, a little more progress, and eventually, full brightness.
I am praying for all of you--but even more, God is praying for you and loves you. Don't give into discouragement or inadequate feelings. With God all things are possible. He is so glad you are trying and that you care. You are precious to Him and He is training your character to grow strong as you are training your children.
Off to bed, but I know you are going to be ok, because He will work in your life if you leave your burdens in His hands and He who began a good work will complete it--in His time, little by little, but fully complete it. God's peace to you today!