Celebrating You this Mother's Day! A Grand Giveaway! Motherhood Matters!

 

John Haynes Williams

As I look upon the landscape of our culture, more than anything else, adults who love God with all of their hearts, who practice righteousness, who have a heart to reach others, who stand strong against the moral battles of this day, are what is most desperately needed in our world. God intended for righteousness to be passed on from one generation to the next by discipling those children who would become these adults. It would be they would effectively  pass on God's Kingdom messages and values and loyal allegiance to Him to those in their own generation. The key to building healthy, godly souls comes from growing to maturity in a home where this life of Christ is lived, breathed and taught.

Mothers were God's finest idea of how such a legacy would be passed on each generation.

Mothers were designed by Him to shape and influence the hearts of children who would become the next generation of godly leaders in the sanctuary of their own homes.

Mothers have the capacity to inspire messages of truth and hope, to model love and servant leadership, to build mental and academic strength by overseeing the education of her children, to lead in faith and to build a haven of all that is good, true and beautiful.

Satan would love to obscure such an important calling so that generations could not be so well built. He would diminish marriage, having children, family, our walk with God and loyal love, the glue that holds all of these relationships together.

Yet, this is exactly why it is so important that mothers today receive instruction, encouragement, support and wisdom so that they can continue this great calling in their lifetime, so that history will mark her investment by the lives her children are enabled to lead.

 However, I would say, one of my most fulfilling works of life, more of a blessing than I would ever have imagined, is to have built with Clay, these wonderful children into godly adults. What blessing and love God had in mind when He gifted me my children as the best work of faith I will probably ever do!

My prayer for you, this mother's day, is that you will embrace your eternally significant role, and that you will know just how much your children are hoping you will be faithful to God. Your faithfulness insures that they may be trained in spiritual strength, moral excellence and the influence of righteousness. I pray that every day, you will have vision for understanding how very much each day of your faithful serving as a mom matters to God and to His wonderful plan to create us for this role.

I wish each of you a blessed Mother's day. I pray my books will be of great encouragement and give you hope and confidence to become the mom He created you to be. May He bless and bless each of you with wisdom, strength and great joy!

In light of this important day of celebration, I would like to give away one of each of my books. I will be writing about different ones each day. My final gift will be a phone mentoring session with whoever wins--a call from me to you! Winners will be chosen at random and I will announce winners Friday in my blog post. Stay tuned for some surprise giveaways.

Mission of Motherhood is one of the most significant books I have written. I wanted moms to know how important their design was, from God's point of view, in shaping the souls of the next generation. I wrote this book to throw light on this eternal significance as well as to give a map, a plan for what it means to fulfill God's mission for us. In Mission, you see the amazing role of the mother as she shapes the heart, mind and soul of children.

Excerpt from the Mission of Motherhood:

"Home--it's such a beautiful word! It's the corner of our lives, the place that holds us with invisible strings of love within its walls. Home is the place where the delectable smells and tastes of "my favorite food" linger; where the comfort and beauty of "my room" and "my bed" can be enjoyed, where "my dreams" are inspired and begin to grow, where bedtime routines, prayers, and blessings give comfort, where the intimacy of deep relationships--unconditional love, grace, forgiveness, encouragement, unselfishness, laughter, and memories--is shared with people who have made us a priority in their lives. Its where appetites for favorite music, movies, books, games, art and traditions are shaped from infancy on up.

Home is a haven from a world that is swimming with challenges and difficulty. It is a school where one learns how precious life is intended to be. It provides the context of learning to know and love my Creator, the beauty of the world He made, and His Word, which guides me. And it is the environment where direction and purpose and values are passed from generation to generation protecting and preserving all that is precious in life."

Ministry of Motherhood is the book I wrote to help mothers understand the process of discipleship in the lives of their children by pondering the process of discipleship of Jesus with his own followers. Passing on GIFTS of eternal influence is the model of this book.

"Jesus was going to transfer to His disciples the responsibility of taking God's message of redemptive love to the world. But instead of just telling them what to do, harshly commanding their allegiance with orders and threats or guilt and manipulative statements, He chose to tie the cords of His heart to theirs with the strong and unbreakable bond of a loving, serving relationship.

Jesus spent His last night on earth with His disciples in service to them. How powerful their memories of that night must have been--the King of the whole universe touching and rubbing their dusty feet and gently drying them with a towel. Their Lord and Master breaking the loaf of bread and serving each of them for the celebrated feast of Passover.

Jesus' example of servant leadership set Him apart from so many historical religious leaders. He was not a God who lorded it over His followers and demanded they follow Him or coerced their obedience through authoritarianism and fear. Instead, He called them to the excellence of holiness and yet lovingly served them in order to win their hearts and show them the means of reaching others' hearts as well.

Contemplating the hearts of my own children and seeking to teach them about the grace of God, I realize my love and service to them must come before any of my great words, my teaching and training. My time, my attention, my "soft-tickling"--even when I am tired or have other "important" things n my mind--is what builds our relationship and prepares them to listen to what I have to say. Only then, once the wells of their need are filled with the grace of being loved, will my words to them about God's grace finally make sense."

 ~ from The Ministry of Motherhood

Own Your Life, as most of you know, is my most recent book. Women need to have a complete vision for their whole lives, and understand how to engage their lives in a close, vibrant relationship with God, so that they can experience His favor, blessing, purpose and love. This book is an overview of my life at 60 years old, of what matters most.

“Praying with You Lord, so often we are overwhelmed by all the tasks ahead of us. Today help us to turn our eyes to You so that we can discern between the truly important tasks and those that will not add any real value to our lives. May we look to You as our Peace today. Amen.” ― Sally Clarkson, Own Your Life: Living with Deep Intention, Bold Faith, and Generous Love

TO ENTER TO WIN 2 OF YOUR FAVORITE OF THE BOOKS I HAVE WRITTEN, (ONE FOR YOU AND A FRIEND--OR GIVE THEM TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW NEEDS THEM IF YOU HAVE THEM ALL!)

AND TO ENTER TO WIN A PRIVATE PHONE MENTORING SESSION WITH ME, ABOUT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT OR ASK, 

*SHARE ON FACEBOOK OR TWITTER, AND LET US KNOW YOU HAVE SHARED BY LEAVING A COMMENT.

*LEAVE A COMMENT ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE BOOK I HAVE WRITTEN AND WHY AND YOU WILL BE ENTERED. 

WINNERS OF ALL PRIZES THIS WEEK WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON MY FRIDAY BLOG. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Will Training: Understanding the ways and vocabulary of God Part 2

Exhausting, long, constant are some of the words I would use to  describe my year. As our children have moved into adulthood, Clay and I have upped our work in our ministry-more books, more blog posts, more launches, more international meetings, and sometimes the drain of it catches up with us.

A few weeks ago, I awakened one morning and rolled out of bed slowly, looking forward to a cup of tea and a few minutes to gather my wits about me before I started another long day. Joy was home from college. As I walked down the stairs, I heard soft acoustic music gently bringing peace to our living room. On the table was my favorite tea cup, steam coming out, with a rose standing tall in a crystal vase, and Joy smiling up at me.

"I wanted to surprise you and make you your first cup of tea."

"You know, mama, I look back over all of our years at home, and I didn't ever appreciate all the ways you intentionally shaped our lives. The devotionals every morning, the thousands of hours of reading together, the constant training in work that irritated all of us, the prayers at my bed every evening, the thousands of hours you spent personally talking to me and training me. Now that I am out in the world, I realize what a heritage of wisdom and faith you built through every fiber of our lives. Every day, I hear your voice, know how to discipline myself, understand hard work, know how to love and forgive-so much more. But most of all, thanks, mama. It all mattered!"

It is such a sweet satisfaction when someone encourages us in our hard work, so I savored that moment. When we train our children in righteousness, it goes deeply into the brain patterns of their minds, gives their heart a vocabulary about God, so that when they respond to His call, the ways of God are familiar. And training teaches our children the wisdom of how to live life every day. So now, the rest of the blog post.

My living room, a china cup of tea, candles and fire lit and music playing--such a grace that morning.

Part 2: Will training and learning the vocabulary of God

Very young children, toddlers, don't always process our wishes--sometimes when they are distracted, it takes their brain a 30 seconds to a minute to understand. We need to exhibit appropriate patience and gentleness to toddlers and babies so that they will learn to be gentle and loving. We also learned that we could distract our children to help them learn patience. "Mommy wants you to wait until I have finished talking to my friend. Here is a small cup of fruit and cheese. I would like you to sit on my lap (or in your high chair) and when you get through with your cup, it will be time for me to be finished with my work."

When we were in church or a meeting, we would talk to the kids about how long they needed to be quiet and listen-we prepared them to know what to expect before we got into a situation. Clay made a "brief-case"--each a different color--a favorite Christmas gift--for each child that traveled with them for long meetings or times in the car or waiting at the doctors. We would look for fun puzzle books or coloring books or hand toys or a little legos or car, colored pencils, sewing cards, etc. We would pull these out for the kids to use when we visited others or had a situation that would require them to wait patiently. They never got to use these other times so that they always felt special--the quiet bags!

Training our children to our expectations also helped. "We will be in the grocery store for about a half hour. Here is a cup of cheerios that you can nibble while we are inside. If you stay patient and quiet for Mom, then when we are through, I will take you to the park and we can swing for a few minutes. If you choose to fuss, I we will have to go home.  (or whatever consequences fit the plan.) "Can you help mama get this done quickly by sitting still today?"

Before we went to someone's house for dinner or before we had guests, we told the children what to expect. "Tonight, Mommy and Daddy are having some grown up friends over for dinner. We want you to serve them the rolls, Sarah; Joel, you greet them at the door and ask if you can get them a drink, and Nathan, you think of one question to ask our guest so that you can get to know them better. Let's use our best grown up manners.

"This means eating your meal quietly, listening to the conversation and not interrupting too much, but we do love it when you participate and listen. I may not be able to serve you for a little while, so please wait until I serve my guests, and waiting until Mommy can serve you.  If you can practice your good company manners and sit at the table without fussing, like grown ups, then you can stay up an extra hour tonight to play! If you interrupt us too much, or choose to fuss,  you will have to go to bed at the regular time and stay in your room and play until bedtime."

"I hope tonight will be fun for you. I love having you meet my friends and I am hoping you can choose to obey mama and daddy tonight."

"Now, tell me what I want you to do tonight."

Helping our children know what we expected of them in most situations before they happened gave them guidelines to follow. God was also this kind of trainer--he was very specific in the law to teach his children how to live life well and so we sought to let our children know, without fail, to know what the guidelines and expectations would define their lives.

We could gently correct them and help them develop life and relational skills gradually and systematically every day. This is what the verse means, train up a child in the way he should go---giving them patterns of life, relationships, ministry, relating to the Lord, over and over and over again, so that the patterns of righteousness we are training into their lives becomes familiar and second nature.

I am amazed now, at how naturally our children are in  ministry relationships. Each year before our conferences, we would instruct all them as to what to say to the adults they served, how to greet them, how to help them in our book store, how to set up the luncheons, and how to prepare something to speak or sing or read for our conferees.  We told them we could not do the conferences without them. Joy would pass out chocolates from a basket and had so much fun being the "Hostess" to greet people. The older kids loved working the book store as it made them feel quite adult. We always did something fun afterwards to thank them for helping so much.

Now, each of them, having been trained and corrected and rewarded and engaged in their parts of the conferences, added this experience to their souls and it became a natural part of their life's expression. Each step along the way did not seem like we were necessarily making great headway, but after years of consistent training and experience, they became like the lives we required them to live.

Training does not lead to salvation. But when the Holy Spirit stirs in their hearts, and our children respond to His calling, His ways and the obedience to follow Him, is already familiar. Some of the training simply leads to living in wisdom and making wise choices. The Holy Spirit takes my words and efforts and transfers the truth of His words into their hearts as they mature.

Often, I see parents reacting to their children and blasting all over them harshly or on the opposite side, because the children were just acting out what they were natural at--immaturity--but had never been given guidelines and training. Or the other extreme is parents meeting their child's every whim or not correcting them and finding children exhaust them. (All of our children exhaust us some of the time and all children resist training, even as I do the Lord. Sometimes I just want Him to make my life easy--and my bad attitude shows.)

Sometimes when people find out that Clay and I are grace-based in our approach to parenting, people assume that that means lenient and undisciplined. However, we were very idealistic and had high expectations for our children, but we instructed them through consistent training, not primarily through force and multiple spankings but through relational discipleship based training.

Our philosophy also looked at each child differently--as an individual--so that we could best figure out what appealed to and reached teh heart of each child. Introverts responded differently and behaved differently than our extroverts. Boys were differently wired than our girls. Learning issues and maturity levels greatly influenced a child's ability to be mature. All factors which cause us to understand that we needed to appeal to each child's heart based on knowing the heart of each child.

No matter what philosophy we as parents have for disciplining children, we need to remember that our goal isn't primarily to make them obey, but to motivate them to obedience from a sincere and loving heart. I did always feel that if I expected them to learn self-control and the ability to work harder, I also had to be sure I was meeting their essential needs in order to expect them to perform well. I needed to give them a routine life--plenty of sleep, naps when tired, not too much over-stimulation, nutritional food, life-giving, soul-filling words--so that their bodies could support my ideals and expectations for them as a mom. If they were exhausted because of being out too late, then if they cried, I would put them to bed--they didn't need discipline, they needed to go to sleep.

Bottom line, discipline is more about relational righteousness training and taking time to instruct, train, praise and correct and strengthening a child's moral character and will through the variety of all the moments of life, than a list of rules about and mandates about when and how long to spank or punish. The Holy Spirit grants each parent wisdom how to apply Biblical principles of training to each parent according to their own puzzle and their unique children--it can look different for each family and each child, but all philosophies that focus on reaching and training the heart, have a deeper influence on the outcome of the child's soul. I have learned so much from reading scripture and pondering God's parenting of me. May He give all of us grace and skill and patience!

Happy Weekend.

Don't be hard on yourself. There is lots of time to keep growing so we can become the mamas Jesus made us to be. Praying for all of you sweet ones today.

Buy my newest book HERE.

Discipline: Strict or Grace-based? Somewhere in between--Adults & Children

Nathan, Sarah, Joy and Joel, a few years ago--one of my favorite pictures--Yes, they are still pals and love being together.

"You train your children all the time, every time I am with you! I thought if you were "grace-based" that you probably never corrected them!"

On most theological issues, I almost always find myself in the middle of two extremes. I neither adopted lenient discipline, nor adhered to harshness, and adversarial discipline.

Seems our culture is prone to going to extremes. Especially in child-discipline. And can I also add that we adults are God's children, and He is in the process of disciplining us all the time, every day, all seasons. The answer lies in pondering God and His ways of dealing with us.

We read in Hebrews 12:11:

"No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening--it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way."

In another version, we read that afterward, "it produces a peaceful fruit of righteousness."

God's ultimate goal for us is to live up to our spiritual potential, to become like Him, like Jesus.

God disciplines us for our good, Hebrews tells us. As I look at my adult life, I can see that God has rarely taken me off the hook. He allows circumstances, trials, tests of every kind in my life to train and prepare me to be more like Jesus. He sees such amazing potential in my life because He knows He gave each of His children the potential to be spiritually strong, emotionally healthy, with an excellent moral character. So He trains and instructs and gives us lots of practice at growing strong inside.

But, he also works through my will. I have to decide to obey, trust, endure the training, have a good attitude, accept difficulties, learn to love as His spirit leads me to maturity. Much like what we do with our children.

But He also lavishes love, favor, pleasure, beauty on all of us and spends His life redeeming us and showing us His amazing love. It is not one or the other--neither strictness alone or grace  without training.

It is both training in righteousness and loving unconditionally and working hard to help build character.

How did you raise your children to be godly? How often did you discipline them? Was it every time?

Always, women want a formula, as it would make life so much easier. But, my answer would be that I studied and pondered God as a Father, His character, His ways, Jesus' life and model of training, loving, serving, correcting His own disciples. But training is a key component in scripture that is often left out of the argument of discipline.

Not too long ago, I was meeting with a sweet mom in a coffee shop and she brought her two children along. They were sweet children, but they were all over her and ran her ragged. I was talking with my older children later about it and asked them what we did differently because I knew I would never have let my children behave this way in public--it would have been too draining for me.

It was humorous to hear how opinionated they were, but it also reminded me how intentionally we taught them to be patient and to wait their turn--because they all remembered it the same way. It is the concept that I call self-government--probably a Victorian character quality that I read about along the way and in a book about the principle approach to life.

The definition of self-government is the idea that a person learns to command himself, his impulses, his work habits, his emotions, His intellect and talents and rule over his will in a productive way. Children can begin this at a very early age, but it is also of utmost importance to adults--as one cannot be a mature believer unless one has mastered self-government and self-control and patience.

The idea behind self-government is that all of us have a power and authority over life that comes from within that can help us to master problems, obstacles, and can use our self-will to achieve great things.

Adults who make excuses for their lives or always blame others for their unhappiness or irresponsibility, find themselves like the little children, unruly, unhappy, and whining always about life.

Becoming spiritually strong is not about gutting out life in the flesh without the power of God, but it is the idea that we have a moral character that can be strengthened and under girded by our will and by practice. He who has cultivated this kind of strong character is useful and productive in almost all areas of life. It is what helps a believer to exercise faith and courage and perseverance in the midst of trials. It is what helps a pianist to practice long hours, an athlete to exercise rigorously in order to become a champion, a missionary to master a language and remain faithful in a foreign country until there is a multiplying ministry; a wife to bear up with grace when married to an immature husband; a mother who continues over and over to practice patience with a sick or rebellious child--governing life by mature, faith-based choices, not by feelings.

An effective way that we taught this to our children was through training. Usually it started out with will-training. The biblical principle for this is found in Deuteronomy 30: 15-20:

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.

But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

. God tells the Israelites to obey Him, and if they do, they will be blessed. If they don't obey, they will be cursed--there were consequences to their decisions. So He says, "So choose life and obey me so that you may live!" Similarly, in life all choices have consequences. Our children need to understand that "what we sow we will reap."

I used to say to my children over and over again. "Daddy and I cannot make you into great people. You have the power to determine how strong you become by how you exercise your will. We can train you and teach you how to be good and how to be righteous, but you have to decide to obey and you have to decide that you want to become a person of godly character. God made you such a wonderful child, so I hope you will decide to do your best to become all that you can be. It is in your hands. It is yours to decide to respond, but I am praying and hoping that you will."

When we appeal to our children's hearts for excellence and choices of good behavior, then we are giving them the will and desire to be excellent all for themselves. Their desire comes from within and their motivation is from their heart. But if we train them behaviorally by always forcing them to do what we want them to do because they might get a spanking, or another kind of threatened discipline, then their motivation is to avoid spanking or harshness but not to please God or to please their parents, by having a good heart and responding in obedience.

This works itself out practically by helping them to train their wills to develop strength and self control. Our children always remember us saying all the time, "You have a choice to make. If you obey me, then you will be blessed. But if you choose to disobey me, then you are choosing disciplinary consequences that will be unpleasant." for instance, if a toddler was whining, I would say, "Mommy is allergic to a whiny voice. If you can stop whining and use a normal voice, I will listen to you. If you want to keep crying and whining, then you must go to your room and when you can calm down, I will listen to you." At which point, I would take the toddler and place them in their room in their crib.

Even our toddlers learned the self-control of calming down and responding in a normal voice--gaining control of their little spirits. Or, "If you don't get your work finished by lunch time, then you will stay in your room and work alone while the rest of the children go outside for a picnic." Or if you don't get your chores finished, then you will have to clean the whole kitchen again tomorrow night, since you are showing me you need more practice. We wanted our children to find internal motivation to obey us and to learn that there were positive and negative consequences to their choices--just like in scripture. (Now, of course, the key to this is being consistent and following through unless there are mitigating circumstances--a child is ill, exhausted, overstimulated--often because the parent led the child to be overstimulated or exhausted because of a demanding and busy schedule--sometimes the only recourse a child has is to cry or complain if they have become physically or emotionally spent because of too much activity and demands on their young body.) There was always room for grace in our family, depending on the circumstances. But generally speaking, our children learned to expect us to be consistent.

This is the end of Part 1--Part 2 will be on Friday. 

If you want to win your child's heart, don't go by the rules

TWINS! A Sweet Friend's twins at a Bible study this week. Precious!

Motherhood is about the reaching hearts, not about performance! My thoughts are long, but I hope you will be encouraged. Tell me what you think!

I remember when I first took Sarah into my arms. I was literally shocked at how much love I felt for her. I kissed her over and over and wept and held her and sang to her and stroked her at every moment. I was not prepared for my heart to be filled with so much wonder, such depth of emotion. Maybe it was because I was in my 30's and had wanted to get married for so long, and now found myself starting a family, which was a miracle to me. A baby from my own body created a life in the love channels of my heart that is beyond explanation.

When a baby is welcomed into the world and cherished and embraced and prayed over, it begins a pattern in the baby's brain that literally communicates and establishes brain pattern expectations of life: I am loved, I feel good, it makes me happy, I belong. These very patterns cause that same baby to already have patterns of significant theological implications that will be responded to when this same child is confronted with the reality of God. He is love, He accepts me, I have a place to belong, I can feel good about responding back to God's love, as it is already familiar to my brain.

When babies begin growing, and the issues of child discipline and training come to the fore, I have observed that many often leave that relational, heart-felt attachment and begin to behave differently toward them. I have seen that many, many moms, because they do love their babies and want to get it right, begin at a very early age responding and initiating to these very babies as though they are a challenge to be overcome, a contestant to be rulled over. And since there are so many extra-biblical books of advice (suggestions--but not necessarily taking into account the full counsel of scripture), abound in Christian circles, the moms follow the rules and expectations of the voices they are reading and hearing. We all long for an easy formula to make parenting quick, predictable, and long lasting.

I do not see that in my own relationship with God as my Father. He works slowly in my life to train, love, test, teach and to conform me to the image of Christ. It is little by little, bit by bit, one lesson at a time.

However, in all relationships, (parenting, friendship, marriage, work), people are designed by God to respond from their heart. If their hearts are attached and served by the people relating to them, and their felt needs are met, people will tend to respond to the one who shows them the most love.

Let me give you an example. I Suppose my husband came to me at home and said, "Now, Sally, we are married and I am your husband and these are my standards of what I expect in our home. I want a clean house, a homemade dinner on the table, with my preferences for food, I expect you to rule over the children so that they will behave, memorize scripture, be read to, learn to play a musical instrument well, be mannerly, have godly character and learn a good work ethic.

Since we are also a Christian home, I expect you to read a chapter of the Old Testament every day and a chapter of the New Testament and I want the kids to have 3 books of the Bible memorized by the time they are 10. I will be checking with you every day to correct anything you have done that is not up to my standards and I expect you to live up to these goals because you are my wife. We are a Christian family and if we keep all of these ideals, our children will turn out to be moral, spiritual, hard working adults, agreed?

What if, then,  every day when my husband would come to me, he would say, I noticed that someone left a sock on the den floor and you have not succeeded yet in training our children well. And I also did not appreciate that fast food dinner last night--it had 1000 grams of saturated fat and was filled with chemical additives and I think you are becoming a little bit lazy for not making me a homemade meal,  and I noticed that two of the kids misspelled a word on their thank you notes to the grandparents,and and and.................and you need to work harder, get up earlier, make a better schedule, as we are falling behind on our goals. And so goals given to me as a list by a husband who dictated what my behavior should be, without consideration of a relationship, would produce death, not life in my relationship to him.

I would never flourish in this kind of relationship--feeling always a failure, always a disappointment and eventually I would feel like giving up.

This kind of  a relationship would demoralize me very quickly and defeat me and cause me to begin building up anger because the standards would be so far beyond what I could attain with me being a limited, sinful selfish human being and my children also being immature, and unable to keep up with these high standards. These standards would also become horrible to me--put me in an emotional prison and take away the joy from my life or from holding ideals at all.

All of these ideals are good as goals--they are filled with sound wisdom and can provide life and instruction, but these laws would kill my soul if they were not given through a relationship of mutual love and respect.

However, imagine if my husband invited me out to my favorite restaurant for dinner. When I got there, if he had a vase with a beautiful rose on the table, a tiny gift wrapped up with ribbon, a new ipad with my wonderful playlists of music downloaded,  with a tiny speaker playing my favorite music, my heart would immediately be engaged. Now, if during the dinner we shared together, my husband communicated his love of me, his special commitment to me, his delight in me, I would have a heart ready to respond to ideals.

Then if he said, "I want you to know that I am so excited to build a family with you. I will be here to support you in all of your hard work. I will see that you don't become exhausted. I will be your partner in this and we will build a great legacy together. We will not be able to accomplish this all at once, but I want to spend a lifetime with you building our dreams and vision. Whenever you need me, I will be there because I love you so much."

Now, I am not writing this post to cause anyone to feel depressed because this is not their husband---there is no perfect husband and they all need grace like we do. I don't think this perfect husband exists--it was just an example! :)

But, as one of my friends has said many times, "A woman will do so much for so little if a man will just learn how to woo, love and communicate appreciation."

And so of course, when I feel cherished I am much more likely to give my all, especially if I have time  to grow and develop and get rest along the way.

But God is that kind of lover.

He is a provider (look at nature--the garden, color, food that he crafted for our pleasure.)

He gave us ideals and purpose, as we see through scripture.

He saw that we were lost and falling and ultimately, so He came amongst us, giving up any comfort or honor that He held in heaven.

He served, washed feet, fed, laughed with, lived with, encouraged his own precious disciples.

Similarly, our life with God is not measured  in the rules or goals or laws that he gives. But, as the author of these ideals, and bound up in His love and care for us, God uses truth to work on our hearts in  relationship as a friend to his disciples, a husband for the bride of Christ, a friend of the common people with whom he broke bread.

But He comes as the servant king, the one who lays down His life, the one who is humble and meek.

As a good parent, God gives us wisdom and guidance so that our lives will be healthy, strong, protected.

So God becomes our pattern for parenting.

He served and loved and sacrificed and gave of Himself, so that we would long to be holy out of our gratitude and reverence and love for Him, who provided us with everything. He called His disciples to serve, to love, to give and to be holy. He did instruct them and train them, but it is no wonder they wanted to follow them to their deaths. He gave them true life, beauty, love that filled their deepest needs and longings to live a purposeful life.

And so after 3 years of intense friendship, when he said, "Greater love has no one than this, that a man lays down his life for his friend," they had heard it, seen if modeled, felt the benefit of it, seen the integrity of it in their teacher, and so they willingly embraced this high ideal.

Consequently, it is not in getting the rules right or in defining all of the right ways to do things, or believing perfect theology that will make our children want to serve God.

It is in laying down our life for them,

serving them,

listening to them,

giving them our time,

loving who God made them within their limitations,

calling them to holiness as we model integrity and worship in front of them,

that will secure in them a desire to love God with all of their hearts.

By seeing our love, they will more easily understand and receive God's love, as it will already be familiar to their hearts and brains because they have seen it and experienced it every day.

Something I have been pondering today.....

Balancing Life and Controlling our circumstances is not even Biblical!

Measure Up

Last month, I was with a group of young women speaking at a small group Bible study. At the question and answer time, so many wanted me to give them a formula to assure them that they were doing all of the right things to be sure their children would turn out ok.

I also realized that because I made it to 60 and I am still alive, my kids made it through their years into adulthood with faith in tact, with vision for life, and still loved us, that somehow, I must have "done all the right things" or perhaps was more in control of my life.

Reality is I have never been in control and there were never formulas I could count on. Each child was extremely different. Each year was a new kind of stretch to my life, I always had challenges and kept looking for the time when life would settle down.

Expecting to be able to control life, children, husbands, friends, church, family is a road that leads to disappointment. We cannot make life behave by just trying harder or getting the right book, planner or instruction. Truth is, God wants us to rest, to leave our burdens in His hands, to learn a little more every day, how to walk by faith, love and become more patient, work hard and enjoy our days that He has given. As I thought about these things, I remembered an article I wrote some years ago, right in the middle of the "messiness of life" that I hope will encourage you.

Happy Weekend! Happy Friday! Enjoy your days.

Seems I have never reached that magical point where my life is quiet, peaceful, slow, with all the details in my life organized. There are more balls in the air now than when our family was much younger!

Today as I was whizzing in the car to Kohl's (afterall, I had a 30% coupon in my hot little hand) looking for jeans and a couple of things that Joy needed, all the while keeping in mind that she has a meeting I have to drive her to in an hour.

Also knowing that I have to pick up some medication for the sinus infection I have developed with an internal ear infection (going on since Michigan--five weeks ago) and have an appointment with friends to pray at 5 and then pick Joy up from her meeting, and then go back to Walmart for the things she will need while I am gone;

and then to a cooking class with Sarah and Joy-- we signed up for a while ago, and then meeting friends who are flying in from out of town at their hotel at 9; finish packing and then leave for the airport with Clay and Sarah at 7:30 in the morning,

and I think--my life is not in balance--but I can still walk with God, have joy, enjoy my minutes and the ones in my life at each moment, and make it through one minute at a time.

My home is not in balance--I know that when we fly to 5 cities in 7 weeks, to host mom conferences,  that my house will get messier than usual and need a good cleaning when I get home. I understand that if I am going to be faithful to schooling when I am home and making meals and having quiet times in between all the prep for conferences--that things will pile up and go by the way side--but I also know I have a plan for getting it all together when I get home.

I know it will take all of us a few days just to sleep enough to have the energy to clean and straighten up--but I know that we will get to it and I will feel good about my home again.

I liked what a friend said to me, "The swinging hand on a clock is only in balance at one point while the fulcrum swings back and forth between the two sides."

And so my life goes--in perfect balance, rarely, once in a while--but always swinging between the two tensions.

My life wasn't in balance when I had 3 children under 5 and I had to nurse them and deal with ear infections and asthma.

My life wasn't in balance very often amidst the 17 moves--6 times internationally--seemed often I was packing or unpacking--

My life wasn't in balance when I had 3 teenagers and an elementary aged child who just wanted to play and read picture books,  while we were staying up late with our teens talking about all sorts of serious issues in life, and then getting up early with my wee, little fun one-with dark circles under my eyes.

And all the while these in my home wanted to eat, (which meant shopping, cooking and an endless stream of dishes) and wear relatively clean clothes and messes abounded--always cleaning and messing--straightening and cluttering. No balance but a lot of life and fun and discussions and work and corrections--a stream of life never ending, but flowing to yet another new challenge and season of life.

I think I would have been so much more content and joyful if I had just known at the beginning that life for me would not be balanced--but could always be meaningful--if I would just accept the limitations of each day, each season, each child, my marriage and my finances--none totally balance, perfect--but all a blessing--so that is what was going through my mind today as I was whizzing about.

I don't think scripture promises balance--Jesus's life was not balanced--he always had people chasing after him and someone was always criticizing him amidst the feeding of 5 thousands, healing lepers and forgiving prostitutes, holding children and blessing them and saying scathing things to the Pharisees--

Paul's life was certainly not balanced--even keeled--amidst prison, ship wrecks, beatings, and teachings. Peter was traveling, teaching, being persecuted--yet all of these had joy, full hearts, love and time to reach out to and teach others.

So, I was contemplating today--that if I would just see this day and all that my puzzle brings as God's will, I would be content, joyful and enjoy rest in the moments of my days.

Off to pick up Joy!

PS Thanks for all the letters for you who are enjoying my newest book, Own Your Life. I hope it will encourage you to live well right where you are, to accept the limitations of your life, to enjoy the days you are given and to give yourself grace in the midst

Buy HERE. 

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Remember! Someone is Always Listening and Watching....

Weariness did not even begin to define the bone-deep exhaustion I was feeling. Lifting the weight of my body off of my bed in the mornings felt like an impossible task. Three hormonal teenagers,  a budding 8 year old, Clay with a ruptured disc that caused him excruciating pain with each step; a book deadline; a daughter in and out of the hospital being tested for a brain tumor and my mom falling and breaking her hip were just a few of the issues that occupied my thoughts each day.

Resentment was exploding inside my brain.

"No one appreciates all that I am doing to keep this family together. Cooking, washing, teaching, caring for everyone, running them to appointments, lessons, doctors and listening beyond midnight to teens pouring out their angst," and I mounted up the lists of my depleting responsibilities in my mind.

This fueled my frustration with Clay, laying next to me in bed, and seeming not to notice my burdens.

The sun was just beginning to peak through the crack in the window curtain reminding me that there was little time left to sleep.

I was "willing" Clay "evil, selfish thoughts"  inside my heart--(hoping somehow he could feel the grimace inside my heart), when the Holy Spirit gently nudged my conscience.

"He needs you to encourage him. He is so discouraged because of bills, pain, and the insecurities of life all around him."

"Really, Lord? I am the one needing encouragement!"

But slowly, willing, no, forcing my arm reach over to him and gently scratching his back, I  confided,

"I just want you to know that I really love you and respect how bravely you have born your ruptured disc.  I know you are in such pain every day, but I am praying for you," I softly whispered, in sheer obedience to God.

Quietly, almost imperceptible, he responded,

"I am so relieved. You have every right to be mad at me.  I thought you were disappointed in me for not paying attention to you or taking care of you. But I have been so down about the overwhelming issues in our lives and constantly in pain, and I have not meant to neglect you--there is just so much. Thank you for being patient with me. I really appreciate you and love you."

And he reached over and gently embraced me before crawling out of bed, grimacing pain painted on his face.

I turned over and slowly slipped out of bed, donned my soft, well worn robe and padded quietly toward the kitchen for my first cup of caffeine.

As I approached the door of my bedroom, I saw my  little one laying quietly on our bedroom floor, cuddled in a comforter and staring up thoughtfully from a soft pillow.

"Mama, I was sleeping here because I had a real bad dream, but I knew you were so tired I didn't want to wake you up. But I heard you and Daddy talking. It made me feel happy to hear you all comforting each other and saying, 'I love you.' I want a marriage just like you when I grow up---where my wife and I love each together and are partners in life. That would be so much fun to live with your best friend."

I didn't know anyone was there. I am so glad I didn't lash out from my own feelings of frustration. I realized you just never know when your children are listening or watching or in what moments they are shaping their view of marriage, of life.

Did God Make a Mistake? Or Create A New Melody?

A message from Nathan, a poem he wrote and asked me to share

After having two precious little ones, I wanted another. I prayed and asked God to bless our little clan with one more. In the middle of the night, after just 40 minutes of labor, my little boy started to arrive and the doctor was not even in the room. He made a fast entry, and the doctor "caught" him just in time, after I had held my contractions in long enough for him to prep for the birth at the Long Beach Hospital.

Nathan John, "beloved, blessed by God" is what his name signified. We believed him to be a special gift and asked God to bless according to His loving-kindness and to validate the name we had chosen for him.

His issues started early. At night, I would sing to him, try to soothe him, rocking, standing, walking, everything I could imagine. But little Nathan would arch his back, flail his little fists at me and scream and cry for hours on end. My mother heart longed to comfort him, but my physical self became exhausted. Still this little boy charmed my heart in so many ways.

"You are blessed and beloved by God, my sweet boy," I would whisper in his ear as I walked him for hours on end.

It started early. At bedtime, he could not go to sleep if he did not remember me doing the "exact" routine that we repeated every night. "Please, please pray again, mama! I can't go to sleep if I don't remember the prayer."

And so I would think, "Is this manipulation or a real need?" Such a simple request to fulfill for bringing peace to the night.

That was just the beginning of puzzling situations.

Fast forward through the years, I was often perplexed at Nathan's behavior. Sometimes he was the most charming little guy ever born, and other times he would throw a tantrum, scream, ask for me to do something I had already done, one more time. Or he would repeat things one more time. His moods varied.

I had never heard of OCD, or studied dyslexia or known about any educational or mental issues.

"You just need to spank him more! He has obviously not been disciplined enough!" my well-meaning friends, whose children fit "in the box" would often say to me.

Yet, I could see that as I softly tickled his little back while doing math, he was able to concentrate more. He was so very bright in telling stories, in making creative worlds. He was a pied piper and always attracted children to our home. He gave me sweet, "I love you, mama!" notes. He led gangs of friends around our yard with obstacle courses he had designed, wrote long stories, (even though he could not spell),  acted out being a hero and saving people.

Spanking him more just did not seem right to me, as I could see he had a heart to respond, but sometimes obeying seemed beyond his ability. And I could see his heart--a big heart with lots of love, ideals, and ideas.

Always, I whispered forward into his little ears, "You were prayed for and you are my special blessed and beloved by God boy. I can't wait to see the story your life will tell. You will be a hero in your generation."

Fast forward through years of mystery, drama, difficulties, complications, and hours and hours of praying out to God to understand and find answers to help his life be easier. Finally, I began to read and find out possibilities of what might be going on in his little mind. But I wish I had understood and known more from the beginning.

I can member right as Nathan was entering adolescence at around 13, OCD reared its ugly head in Nathan's life even more and Nathan began to experience the darkness that came with it, feeling plagued daily, and hourly, with obsessive thoughts about being dirty, and continued contamination, to the point that he didn't want anyone to touch him, and would have to take 3 to 4 showers a day and (like he says in the video) would wash his hands until they bled, just so his young mind could have momentary respite from the never ending, and unwanted thoughts.

Many of our days were quite grim. Nathan wanted me to write about this so that others could know we found the grace of God to be amidst the dark passages of his life, but the lessons were learned slowly--and for me through many years of putting one foot in front of the other, trying to understand.

When I speak of owning your life, and wrote about it, a part of my worship was to own my role as a mama of several children who struggled with mental illness. He who called me would make me adequate one day at a time.

So much more to tell. Was the journey easy?

Never!

Did formulas ever work?

No, but God led me to know how to encourage and help him grow, by faith and by seeking wisdom.

Was I blessed to be his mama?

Always.

And God used my precious Nathan to teach me more about himself than I could ever imagine.

Nathan in a shot from his recent movie!

So, now, as I see my still OCD, mysterious "beloved and blessed by God" creating movies to reach the lost, seeking to become more excellent as a writer, film maker, wanting to use his life to make an impact, I understand that indeed, he was exactly my answer to prayer when I asked God to give me another child, and I know he was exactly what this Clarkson clan needed and wanted.

And as a much older, more experienced mama, I see that God's ways are as high above my ways and his thoughts as high above my thoughts as the heavens are above the earth--and I see so much more clearly, that God's ways are exactly suited to my life.

And I am the most blessed mama ever to have been chosen to be the mama of wonderful Nathan John Clarkson. Could not imagine my world without him.

I think OCD means

Outstanding

Charming

Darling

and the best boy a mama could hope for.

Happy Birthday, Sweet Nathan! And May the rest of your days be kissed by his grace and favor!

*****************************************************

See what Nathan is doing now. He just wrote, raised funds for, produced his first film! You can order or buy it a numerous locations.

There are Those Days....

Sleeping Beauty by Edward Brewtnall

There are those days when I wonder if I have accomplished anything of significance. Sometimes it seems all of my children are out of sorts with me, and I wonder why I have made all of this effort to work hard, love well, teach profoundly and to please Jesus. Those days you wonder if it all really matters.

Those times when you don't feel loving inside and you hope no one will notice because you feel like if you were a good mom you would feel love all the time.

Those times when you expected to have 5 minutes to read a book or talk to a friend or take a tiny little nap--when someone finds you, needs you, AGAIN!

Those times when you know by faith that God is good, but you just aren't quite sure if you see any hope of Him answering your prayers.

Those times when you don't think you can face one more dirty dish or make one more meal.

Those times when just walking into your living room depresses you because you can't imagine that you will ever have enough strength to straighten it up again.

Those times the Christian bubble drives you crazy and you don't feel like you belong anywhere.

Yet, when I am cranky all the time, short with my children, friends, Clay and the world,...,

When I begin to feel dark inside for no apparent reason, I have learned that

A very long sleep, as long as sleeping beauty's, begins to help me feel like I might be a human being again sometime.

Hiding from the crowds, voices, expectations

Taking a long walk in the mountains at sunset

Having a massage

Being with ones I love on my front porch in the rockers in the still evening chill or the early morning quiet and just sitting, listening, time to ponder and drink in a moment of calm

playing quiet music in a dark, candle-lit room where no one can find me

a nice hot bath that covers my tummy and shoulders and soaking for a very long time

Either a cappuccino with an extra shot and 2 raw sugars or strong English tea in a real china cup with dark salted chocolate almonds.

A morning out in a favorite 5 star hotel where I can sit all by myself with no one talking

A breakfast or lunch with a sweet friend who gets me and doesn't want anything from me

To read the Psalms

A personal time with one of my children when they just want to be my friend

A drive through the country roads with music blaring and wind coming through the windows

To watch a pleasing movie with a happy ending and happy people--nothing tragic or sad.

God is in these moments of grace because God made us for a physical world-for food, drink, touch, music, beauty to see, --and it is in experiencing his graces in our physical, real, tangible world, where sometimes we run  into God Himself, strolling through the garden of our lives.

Sometimes these are the most necessary things for me to stay healthy, strong, still believing in ideals, and to try not to blow apart,

is not one more task to complete or chore to finish or way to try to be more perfect--

But sometimes all I need is a break from the pressures and duties of normal life. A sweet one to hug me and tell me they love me, again.

A grace to sustain me on this marathon life. What helps you through those days?

Remember today is the last day to get Own Your Life for $2.99 on Amazon. Hope it encourages you.

PS

Much of life seems impossible. But I had a sudden light bulb moment somewhere in the midst of my years that if I didn’t take care of myself, no one else was probably going to initiate to me in this way. One of Clay’s jobs required him to work 70 hours a week and we were far away from home.

It was when I had 3 children, 6 and under. I bought a double stroller at a second hand store and stuffed Sarah in with the boys. This is when my long walks began. We would walk around the neighborhoods, walk in parks, on nature trails. Somehow getting all of us out helped all of us to have better attitudes.

I would trade with a mom friend once a month–I would take her children for the afternoon, she would do the same.

Clay would take the kids once a month out for breakfast or to a park or nature center for a whole morning or afternoon so I could have “me” time.

I started warm baths when the kids were small–to relax after they went to bed–and when we moved, I would always look for houses that had those old bath tubs that I could fill up high with water.

What I found for myself was, if I did not refuel along the way, I would become angry, grumpy and tended toward drill sergeant mode and somewhere along the way, I knew one of the gifts my children needed from me was a happy mom.

I began to learn I was the only one who could give that to them. I did homeschool 4 children into adulthood, had children with learning disabilities, mental illness, asthmatics with emergency equipment in our home, 17 moves, six times internationally, and all that comes with this. It is indeed a long term commitment and a marathon of sorts, but to make it well, I believe a mom needs to figure out how to bring some graces into her life. May God grant you grace and peace today.

Today You Are Writing the Story of Your Life

Today, I am living my dreams. I remember when I was 33 years old, I trudged through the snowy streets of Vienna where we lived, to a tiny little coffee shop down the street from our old home. The snow was a four foot wall on either side of the sidewalk where I slipped through the middle. Thirty-five days in a row of below 32 degree temperature necessitated me getting out of the house for a little while. I thought I might explode if I stayed there any longer. Sarah was almost 3 and Joel was barely 3 months old. My life was made up of nursing, changing diapers, trying to keep Sarah happy by playing with her inside our 100 year old, cold, 900 square foot home, and then the cooking, cleaning, getting up in the middle of the night and then doing it again. Somehow, this period of life seemed that it would never end, an endless merry-go-round of floating from one day after the other, but all very much the same.

Settling into my cushioned chair in the corner, I felt quite an adult. Ordering a melange, (cappucino), I got out my journal and started writing down how I felt about life. Someday, ..., I would like to....

Dreams, wishes, ideals, hopes spilled over from my heart to the lined pages.

"Some day, I would like to be a writer and be an author of books that encourage and inspire women."

I didn't know if God had seen my heart filled with hopes of faith, dreams, desire, but it was a sacred moment between me and Him that I will not forget.

Eleven years passed. Quiet times, teaching Bible studies, homeschooling my children, moving 5 more times, and making 1000 more meals, washing 2000 loads of clothes, and losing a fair amount of sleep, two miscarriages, and lots of life washed under the bridge. I prayed, worked, and built messages of life through seasons of years of putting one foot in front of the other.

My messages were not some "pie in the sky" out of touch with reality sort of messages. But, right in the messes of life, "God is here," "His beauty is in the moments," "His fingerprints are in my home, in the smiles of my little ones" sort of messages. He knew I needed years of authenticity in order to live through messages He was writing on my heart.

And then, my first book, Mom's conferences and speaking engagements began to bubble up. Eventually 11 books would spill out of my heart, but only when they had time to simmer right where I was living.

Faith, faithfulness and living and, ....., growing closer to God.

Each of us has a unique story to live. We are called to love, serve, inspire, help, give and He will direct the works of our lives and the ways we may each bring light--if we are willing to follow Him and do His bidding.

Each of us has a work to do for Him in this world. It starts with a choice to love, serve, and grow in Him today, right where you are. Today is a part of the story you are writing.

What kind of story are you writing with your life today?

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Just Keep Laughing and don't let life get you down

They caught me giggling.....

What a great week I have had. Joy has been home for one week from school and so I decided it was to be our week of celebrating life together. Putting aside the duties of details of life, I worked on the eternally valuable work of being best friends. What a great decision this was. After tea times every day, a couple of great movies, sleeping in, walking in our favorite places where spring was budding all over and going out to breakfast twice, I now have a whole heart full of new memories made.

Duties are always there. Remember, Jesus said, "Martha, you are worried about so many things." And take time to enjoy this day, this family, this place in the season of life--and laugh at one of my own embarrassing days a couple of years ago.

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Once after a marathon of a winter with sick children, lots of snow, ministry conferences and 3 teenagers and one elementary child in the house, a sweet angel friend bought me a massage. It just took one time to make me a fan. Now, I save my treasured extra dollars in a secret drawer and when I have enough saved, I treat myself to a massage, as I am quite sure it must be good for my health.

I was looking back at some pictures from a year ago, and ran into this anecdote from a last year, as Joy and I were squishing together on the couch at home tonight, looking at old pictures, stalking instagram,  and we giggled all over again!

So enjoy my true story that still makes me laugh!

A couple of weeks ago, I went in for a massage and it was wonderful.

When it was over, I dressed in the dim lights and could hardly see anything.

I then went to three stores, when at the last store, a lady gently came forward and said, "I don't know if I will offend you, but did you know your shirt is on wrong side out and all the tags are showing and the buttons are backwards? Just thought you might want to know."

To think I went through 3 stores that way----life is generally humbling.

But, it actually made me giggle, over and over throughout the day!

Joy told me of a quote that she was thinking about, and it made her giggle.

"A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone,

somewhere, is having fun."

H. L. Mencken

Though I have nothing against Puritans, this probably expresses what my children sometimes thought of me!

All of life a serious issue and no room for humor!

Perhaps there are times we just need to lighten up and have fun and enjoy the fun that life has given to us.

Too much instruction, too much seriousness or correction is heavy for a child's spirit and becomes just way--"too much."

So next time you wear your shirt wrong-side out, just giggle and get a good laugh-don't take yourself too seriously.

Don't be afraid to smile or to let your children be silly or just act their age. (And I think Jesus wants us to be as children, too.)

Don't be afraid to laugh at your 4 year old boy's silly joke. ( Joel said, "What happened when the snail crossed the road? He got squished!" hahahahaha--this was a 4 year old joke in our home! Smile and giggle--you will live longer."

(And please no one write to me about the person who wrote this quote--a satirist, who was a journalist and did not especially like Christians. I know! But his quip did reflect a bit of truth--that I have seen at times in myself and in others.)

Maybe, as believers, and as moms,

it would just be good for us to celebrate laughter and life a little bit more than always being too serious.

Research shows that a person who smiles 10 times a day, is happier and raises his happy hormone levels immensely. So sometimes in the car while driving, I will smile 10 times--because scripture is actually true--a joyful heart is good medicine, and it drives my kids crazy and then to laughter.

There were times when my children told me to "lighten up," and I actually found it to be good advice--less stressful on the body!

Hope your day has at least a couple of good laughs in it. :)

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