Owning the Mystery of His Supremacy (Own Your Life Fridays) Ch. 6

As long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.

C.S. LEWIS

The world of a young child is full of wonder and trust. When we lived on my mother-in-law’s farmland in Texas, I remember taking my daughter Joy out for a walk on the land. She was two and walked with wobbly confidence as I held her hand, ready to catch her at any moment her inexperienced limbs betrayed her. It was a world of firsts. She marveled in joyous raptures at the Monarch butterfly that fluttered by us. She giggled as I blew on the dandelion in her hand, the fluffy seeds floating daintily in the wind. As we made our way back home, she grew tired from walking so I scooped her up in my arms. She melted into my shoulder in sleepy abandon.

I believe this is a small image of how God wants us to be with Him. In childhood we encounter the world in terms of trust and wonder, but as we grow we learn what it means to worry and doubt. Where we once saw the innumerable stars, we begin to see the seemingly innumerable bills. Where we once laughed at the soft wriggling body of a puppy, we now cry at the hurtful words of people whose approval we desperately wish we could win. The love of God was something we once rested in, and now we doubt when trials come our way.

It seems to me that the worries of adulthood make our vision smaller.

Instead of seeing the vast beauty of the world that God has made and the extravagant love with which He loves us, we narrow our vision to the small frame of temporary trials.

This is not to say that our trials are not difficult or painful, but that in our forgetfulness of God’s transcendence we fail to see the grace that supports us all around. When we lose this greater vision, we do not walk as “more than conquerors” (Romans 8:37, NIV), but as though suspicious and afraid of the world.

The truth is that God’s power is greater than we can imagine, and his sustaining grace for our lives is deeper than we can ever understand. Psalm 8:3-4 says,

“When I consider Your heavens, the work of your fingers, the moon and the stars, which You have ordained; what is man that You take thought of him, and the son of man that You care for him?”

This Psalm declares the truth that the God who threw the stars into place is the God who cares for us. God’s care for us is present and personal, but it also reaches into a beautiful future we can’t even see.

Just as I delighted in carrying my sleepy Joy in my arms, God delights in providing for, loving, and carrying us. Practicing orienting my heart towards trust and worship enables me to catch a small glimpse of His glorious power and love. Resting in His transcendence helps me to open my eyes to the gift of beauty He is waiting to bestow upon me. Instead of seeing only the small frame of my worries and trials, I can begin to see all of life in the context of the beautiful story God is writing.

Own your heart's humility before God so that you can see Him in His proper place, bow your knee before His preeminence, and serve Hi purposes in your life: "Fear of the Lord teaches wisdom; humility precedes honor" (Proverbs 15:33, NLT).

God will not share the throne of your heart, because He is the only one who rightfully belongs there. 

 Rarely do I meet women who are unburdened, who choose to live in freedom, grace, and beauty. But when I do, I feel that I have been in the presence of Jesus. Their exuberance in this dark world reminds me of one of my favorite quotes, which is attributed to Friedrich Nietzsche:

"Those who were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music."

I love this quote because I want to be one of those people who dances to God's invisible music--that invisible reality where God works in response to His children's prayers, where angels dance, and where heaven prepares a glorious banquet for those just naive enough to believe in a Hero who will take us to a heaven where the celebration will never end.

Our God delights to find even one such person. Own your sense of wonder, and the celebration of the stars and the unseen blessings of your life will always bring you a secret delight, an unquenchable song, and a bubbling joy that this world will never be able to quench.

What is the biggest emotional drainer in your life? How can you place it in God's hands and step back to get a better picture of how you might deal with it?

Chapter 6 of Own Your Life focuses on seeing life with wonder, as through the eyes of a child and celebrating life!

Your Puzzle of Life is a Reflection of your Part in God's bigger, overall story!

All these died in faith, without receiving the promises, but having seen them and having welcomed them from a distance, and having confessed that they were strangers and exiles on the earth. Hebrews 11: 3

"Mama, why do I have brown eyes and Sarah has blue eyes and Joel is so tall and Nathan has freckles and you and Daddy don't look alike?"

They say the average 4 year old asks almost 100 questions a day. But my little one was landing on a profound truth--none of us is the same. We are all different. Each snow flake has its own design--God was trying to tell us something! He love uniqueness. He does not compare us to each other. He intended for us not to conform but to live into the freedom we each have to discover the ways that will best serve our own family and our own situations.

Your children and marriage and finances and story will be uniquely different than anyone else you will ever meet. Why in the world do we attempt to follow formulas when we can see that our puzzles of life are so vastly different?

Each of us has a different life puzzle of life to assemble in order to bring order and to make sense out of all the pieces.  The choices you make in the midst of your life journey do have eternal consequences.  Yes, you can throw the pieces at God in anger and say, "I do not like the life you have given me, and I refuse to live within these limitations with a humble heart.  You have made me a victim.  You have ruined my life.  I will choose to live in darkness."  If that is your choice, the puzzle of your life will remain fragmented and separated, with holes in the picture.

However, if you choose to bow your knee and submit to the varied circumstances of your life, God will do miracles.  If you choose to trust and develop your integrity and an inner standard of holiness that isn't dependent on cultural standards, the puzzle pieces will begin to come together.  No matter what your limitations are--health issues, financial problems, a difficult marriage or divorce, a loss of friendship, death of a dream--your life is meant to be filled to the brim with the potential of God's blessings.  But in order to thrive and heal, you must accept any limitations by faith, trust in His faithfulness each step of the way, and wait for His grace so you can live a faithful story right in the place you find yourself.

If you embrace your unique puzzle of life, you will find wholeness.  As you look to God to slowly figure out how to put the pieces together, you will see a beautiful picture emerge.  Your story lived faithfully will become your glory--the place where He builds messages, provides answers to prayer, and teaches wisdom.

I have a collection of teacups and mugs.  Each is different in size, shape, and color--but every one of them is functional and beloved by my family.  In the same way, each of our lives is unique.  Our differences do not devalue our intrinsic worth, but they do create a different design.  I have always told my children, "You might as well decide to like God's will for your life, since your circumstances are probably not going to change just because you wish they would."

I have also told them that life is not fair in this world--we may have to be faithful to difficult circumstances our whole lives on this earth--because this is not the final place, yet! 

Jesus told us to lay up our treasures in heaven. When we accept the fallenness of this world, we learn how better to live into the moment.

"We know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, who are called according to His purpose." ~ Romans 8:28

What defines and makes your life distinct? What resources do you have?  What do you consider to be advantages to your particular puzzle?  Are there any areas that seem impossible at this moment that you need to put into God's hands?

"Trust in the Lord and do good.  Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness." ~ Psalm 37:3

Learning to see each turn in the road and each unique circumstance as a part of what God has ordained has helped me find purpose at each juncture.  I ask Him, Lord, what can I learn from this?  What message at this moment might prepare me to encourage someone in the same circumstances later? Show me Your faithfulness now so I can keep learning.

~from Own Your Life

Are there parts of your puzzle you need to embrace today?  How can you see God moving in your circumstances and accept the picture He's given you?

Own Your Life

Imagining Ourselves to be Heroes: The Gift of Inspiration

You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, And called from the remotest parts, And said to you, "You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you, Do not fear for I am with you; Do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you, Surely I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." For I am the Lord you God who upholds your right hand, who says to you, Do not fear, I will help you." 

Isaiah 41: 9-10, 13

Mamas are my heroes because mamas are hero shapers.

Mamas were imagined in the heart of God, because He knew that when challenging world events would happen in the lives of his children, they would need someone to light a candle in the darkness, to sing their fears away, to assure them of God's presence.

Filling my life with biographies of faithful inspiring people who lived boldly, filling my children with stories of heroes, those who were courageous in the midst of difficult times, was a way I wanted to fill the treasure chest of their hearts.  When challenging life fell upon them, they would have resources to draw from--stories told, verses memorized, life lived above the darkness, so that they would know how to face their own fears and trials.

The way we choose, by faith, to face these difficult days, has great worth in the future faith and faithfulness of the children who live in our home. A glory to God, is for us to choose to believe in His presence so that our children will seek His presence. As Joy and I were talking about hard times tonight, she read me a blog she has just written. It encouraged me so much to see her own heart amidst all of the challenges facing all of us, that I thought I would share it with you. Be sure to go to Joy's page and read it and leave her a comment. And be sure to practice mama bravery and heroism in your own home. Enjoy!

I Need a Hero by joynessthebrave True. Story. “Aragorn is just not a realistic character.” Said my friend as we sat at lunch. “Really?” I said, “What do you mean?” “Well,” he said, holding his french fry a few inches away from his mouth in a contemplative manner, “He’s just too... Resolute... Too good. Nobody is that noble.” I hmphed and picked at my grilled cheese, he ate his french fry, and our conversation turned to complaints about homework and other serious The conversation did not turn into much more that day, but the comment always stuck with me. Not realistic. Too Resolute. Too Good. Nobody is that noble. I have always loved Aragorn. Heavens, I think there are few girls in my generation that have not gone through a stage of Aragorn admiration, and, were we honest, few of us have made it out of that stage. For evidence, see the meme included in this post. Tales like Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, and Narnia, or to go back further, King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table, the Odyssey, David and Goliath, and countless others have gone deep into the psyche of countless generations. We love stories for their adventure and delight, but I think there is a deeper down reason for our love of these tales. We love them because a good story gets to the heart of the struggle of good and evil that every age has had to deal with. Though it wears different masks-- war, oppression, slavery, nuclear war, facism-- every age has had its darkness to fight. We tell stories to make sense of the world, and to give us an ideal for how to live in evil times. That’s where the Aragorns of the world come in. Every good story has its hero. If stories help us make sense of our beautiful, broken and cruel world, Hero’s teach us to live in it. In our favorite heroes, we see people who face the same sorts of hardships and doubts that we do, yet somehow, miraculously come out the other side. We love heroes because they are brave, and because they make us believe that, perhaps, we could be brave too. Not Realistic. Too Resolute. Too Good. Too Noble. I believe our generation has lost some of its hope in heroes. We are wary of people who seem “too good,” and I do not think this wariness is totally unfounded. The last score of years have been full of media demagogues: politicians who promise and do not deliver, pastors who preach but do not practice, stars who shine but do not bring light. The rapid growth of social media has engendered a marketing based culture where everything and everyone is claiming to fill a need, and the emptiness of those promises has become quickly evident. As a generation, we have grown weary of people claiming to be heroes. As a result, many people have rejected the idea of heroism altogether, and have replaced it with the ideal of “being real” or “authentic.” This rejection of heroism and embrace of “authenticity” is evident in the proliferation of anti-heroes in literature and film. Take for instance the popular example of the “real” antihero Katniss Everdeen, who is only willing to do the right thing once she is coerced and harrowed into it. I am not wholeheartedly condemning all antiheroes, but I think it is worth noting their presence and influence in the 21st century imagination. There is something truly valuable in the pursuit of authenticity and humility, but what bothers me is the idea that true heroism is, as my friend put it, “not realistic.” But what do we mean by “not realistic?” We have forgotten to define our terms. To assume that a character can only be “authentic” “real” or “humble” if they are antiheroic means that we have assumed that no one can truly be heroic.  After all, there are no pure motives... And that is the assumption that bothered me about my friends statement. Is Aragorn’s bravery and heroism truly unrealistic? I recently finished reading Lord of the Rings over the summer, and was profoundly encouraged by it. The story is peppered with heroes of all shapes and sizes, and that is perhaps what I love most about the series. Be they hobbit or high elf, many a character comes to the edge of peril and decides to press on, to conquer, and to be brave. Time after time characters are faced with certain death, many meeting it, but press on for the love of goodness and the understanding that their decisions are a part of a story much bigger than themselves. Consider Aragorn. In the story, Aragorn is 80 years old. He has spent many years as a ranger in hiding-- a job without appreciation and without forgiveness. By the time the book begins, he has fought many bitter battles and spent years in obscurity, but he knows that He-- and he alone-- is meant to be king. It is not that he is infallible, but that he has spent his life preparing and training for his part. When finally the day comes for Aragorn to take his place as King, it is in a battle almost sure to be lost, but he goes forward bravely, knowing that this was his time to be brave, whether it ended in death or life. It was what he had prepared for all his life. It was the summation of his character. It was his part in the story. Not realistic. Too Resolute. Too Good. Nobody is that noble. I wonder if the reason we have lost our trust in heroes is because we have lost our sense of story. All good heroes know that there acts of bravery are not about them, but about the people, the values, and the goodness they believe in and want to preserve. Heroes seem supernatural, because in their actions they affirm that there is a true and even supernatural narrative that is worth protecting, and even worth laying their lives down for. Heroism is not about glory, it is about story. Perhaps more people would be real and authentic heroes if, rather than making themselves out to be great and noticed, they spent their lives, like Aragorn, in silent preparation of character, daily building spiritual muscle to fight, making decisions in quiet moments to walk towards the light and dispel the darkness, so that when their time came to lay down their lives for what is right, they would be ready. As I write this, there is a breath stealing heat lightening show happening outside my window. It is like nothing I have ever seen. The clouds are piled miles high and the stars a guarding the clear air around them. Inside the towers of clouds there are great silent flashes of light flashing, as though Gandalf himself is fighting Saruman. I feel small.   And I am. I am grateful for these moments, because in their inaudible and yet articulate way they remind me of the Great Storyteller, and the Great Story that I am a part of. I want to be hero. The story is not over yet, and more than ever we need heroes. A cursory glance at your newsfeed or will reveal that light and goodness are being challenged, and sometimes seemingly darkened, every day. But just like Aragorn, I want to know my place in the story, prepare my heart, stretch my spiritual muscle to be ready for my part in the story. We need to believe in heroes. We need to read stories about heroes. We need to become heroes in ready wait for the true King and Hero. "Suddenly Faramir stirred, and he opened his eyes, and he looked on Aragorn who bent over him; and a light of knowledge and love was kindled in his eyes, and he spoke softly. 'My lord, you called me. I come. What does the king command?' 'Walk no more in the shadows, but awake!' said Aragorn. 'You are weary. Rest a while, and take food, and be ready when I return.' 'I will, lord,' said Faramir. 'For who would lie idle when the king has returned.'" -Return of the King Indeed, who of us would lie idle if we thought our Jesus was coming back and we could please him by shaping little and big souls into heroes for His kingdom. Find Joy at: http://joynessthebrave.wordpress.com/ Wonderful Joy :)

God As Your Life Coach (Own Your Life Fridays) Ch. 5

You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.

A.A. MILNE

Even the birds aren’t awake yet, I thought to myself. As I slipped from the pool’s edge into the water, I shivered from the chill. I took a deep breath and bobbed my capped head under the heavily chlorinated water. As an asthmatic, many sports were hard for me, but I excelled at swimming because I could control my breath.

A shrill whistle sung out and echoed throughout the hard walls of the gym as I shot myself off under water from the pool wall to begin a swim practice that, while rendering me exhausted, would fill me with exhilaration and strength.

I spent many days swimming as a young adult. Swimming did not come naturally to me; it was a skill hard won with hard work. I spent hundreds of hours practicing, many weekends at swim meets, and during one summer my hair was very nearly green from the chemicals in the water. Whenever I would become exasperated with myself, my coach would encourage and challenge me to keep on going, helping me to adjust my method so I could be an effective swimmer.

Even now at sixty-one years young, although I do not have as much opportunity to swim, I love the chance to dip my head under the water and shoot off the wall again just as I did when I was a lanky teenager. Though my muscles are weaker than they once were, swimming is a skill that has never left me.

Swimming taught me to see God as my coach in the midst of life’s trials.

In my race of life, there have been so many times where my spiritual muscles felt exhausted, my heart was sore, and I didn’t think I could hang on for another lap of life.

Paul says in 1 Corinthians 9:24,

“Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win.”

God’s goal for working in my life is always to help me build stronger spiritual muscles; I cannot grow stronger on my own. John 14:26 says:

“But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you.”

In all of our trials, God is with us, training us and encouraging us to stretch the spiritual muscles He has given us. We do not have to face trials alone. God is always with us to comfort and guide us, even when we are unable to feel it.

As we live by faith, we are under the guidance of the Holy Spirit training and instructing us how to live a righteousness life. When we see our days as a part of God’s training for righteousness, it strengthens us to not compromise.

God walks beside each one of us, offering encouragement and giving us the strength we need to fulfill our potential. 

God loves you. This simple truth is one of the most easily forgotten or misconstrued. It is easy, when encountering difficulties, to go to dark places in our minds, thinking maybe God is disappointed with us. However, the scriptural representation of God heartily contradicts this idea.

Hebrews 4:15 shows us that God’s attitude toward us is one of sacrificial love and deep understanding of our need for Him. It says:

“For we do not have a high priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but One who has been tempted in all things as we are, yet without sin.”

When you pray, do so with the confidence that God loves you and understands every trial you encounter.

To quit before reaching the finish line deprives us of the reward of completion and the strengthening of our character. 

God is not so concerned that we are always happy as He is committed to helping us become mature and learn to be content. Begin to ask God how He wants you to live out your role in the story of life He has granted you.

How can you live truthfully, heroically, and faithfully in such a way that you will fulfill the very destiny for which you were born?

Chapter 5 of Own Your Life is about looking to God as your life coach and owning His training in your life.

Giveaway Winners

Last week we did a giveaway of 4 copies of Own Your Life for two sweet readers. The winners are:

Samantha Dixon

Alicia

Both winners have been emailed.

I am so thankful for all of you and pray you are encouraged by these samplings from Own Your Life.

What Does it Mean to Celebrate Life?

It's hard to believe November is already here--what a whirlwind this year has been!  As the cold weather predictably begins to head our way, so do thoughts of past holidays and new ideas for this year's celebrations. I wrote about one not-so-perfect memory in Seasons of a Mother's Heart , a book designed specifically to encourage homeschooling moms.

Several years ago at Christmas, I had planned a special time to bake cookies with the kids. I expected it this to be a precious Christmas memory. I also expected to get twelve dozen cookies made for Christmas plates. I had melted some chocolate for making candy-coated pretzels and turned away to work on a batch of cookies in the oven.

When I turned back around to see how the kids were doing, I reeled at the sight of three-year-old Nathan using the melted chocolate as finger paint. Chocolaty goodness covered his hands, face, hair, and clothes, not to mention the cabinets and floor. Unfortunately, in my anger I made a bigger mess of the situation and missed the joy of that moment. But time and experience have since tempered my temper. Today, I would get a big laugh out of my chocolate-covered child and take a few snapshots. I would choose joy.

(Oh, how I wish that going-back idea were possible, these many years later!)

I am more convinced than ever that even in the midst of the mundane, burdensome, and oftentimes frustrating tasks of life allotted to me as a mother, God wants me to find his joy. He wants every single day of my life to be a celebration of his blessings, whether large or small. He wants me to celebrate life—the life he has given me.

But what does it mean to "celebrate" life? Does it mean that I let my house be a wreck so I can enjoy my children, or that I never entertain negative thoughts and attitudes, or that I never discipline my children? Does it mean that I simply overlook the myriad difficulties that inevitably spoil the best days, or that I ignore the burdens I carry as a stay-at-home mom, or that I close my eyes to intractable sins that won't go away?

Of course not! The joy-filled life is not found by diminishing my God- given responsibilities as a woman, wife, and mother, nor can I find joy merely by refusing to face the hard realities of life in a fallen world. There is a tension that God is asking me to acknowledge and accept—the tension between ideals and realities. True joy is found by living somewhere between the ideal life and daily realities. That is where Jesus meets me, where his Holy Spirit empowers, and where I learn how to live the Christian life with supernatural joy.

To celebrate life is simply a choice. Every day, God extends his hand to offer me the gift of another day to live. I have the choice to take that gift and turn it into 24 hours of real life in Christ, or just let it become another 24 hours endured in a broken world. If I choose to accept it—to transform those minutes and hours into life lived for and with my Savior—I have the opportunity to see God at work, enjoy his presence, wonder at his creation, appreciate the expressions of his beauty and love, and touch the minds and hearts of my children with his reality. That's certainly what I desire, but it is a choice I have to make daily.

Daily.  Hour by hour. Moment by moment, some days!  How are you choosing joy today?

You can find Seasons of a Mother's Heart here at Amazon.

*****Many of you know I will be launching a new book February 2. I am so very excited about this book! (What else is new? :)) The name of the book is: The Lifegiving Home: Creating a place of belonging and becoming. Many of you helped me launch my last book, Own Your Life. If you would like to be a part of my launch team and are willing to help me get the word out about the book, please go to this page: The Lifegiving Home Book Launch

and ask to join the private group. Only those who sign up can be on this private page. I will approve you and you will become a part of the team.

The launch group is about women who want to help me spread the news about my new book when it comes out--in a pre-launch in January as well as a launch in February. Please do not join if you do not have time, as I don't want anyone to feel stressed. My old launch team was amazing and helped make posters and put out posts and left reviews and we watched together as the book got into the hands of sweet women all over the world. Thanks for letting me share! I am pretty excited!

Getting Rid of the Myths of Motherhood and a Giveaway!

The voices in our heads convince us, at times, that we are inadequate, have failed our children and and are some how different than all the other more perfect mamas who are represented on the Internet.

Yet, the reality is, you are just the mama your children need! Your story is fitted just for you--and so are those sweet ones in your home.

My dear, precious friend, Ruth.

Many of you know Ruth Schwenk, a dear friend of mine, who is like a little sister to me. She has spoken at our conferences numerous times. As the founder of TheBetterMom blog, she has reach hundreds of thousands of moms with daily encouragement all over the world. Ruth has a heart to inspire and encourage moms in their strategic Biblical role of motherhood.

I adore her beautiful and precious children and am always encouraged just to be with her. Her loving heart, generous friendship and passionate heart for God is contagious.

Ruth has partnered with another sweet friend, Karen Ehman, to launch a book that I know will dispel many of negative the voices we listen to in our journey of motherhood. Karen has written numerous books and inspired women for many years through writing, speaking and working alongside Proverbs 31 ministries.I met Karen at Glen Eyrie where she was speaking many years ago and was touched by her gentle spirit and endless creativity in the ways she has brought life and traditions into her home. We have carried her lovely and inspiring books at our conferences for many years.

Together, they have written a book from the vantage point of a young mom in the trenches of raising her 4 children, (Ruth), to a seasoned mama who has raised most of her children into adulthood. Together they have shaped a message that is warm, heart-filling, sympathetic and inspiring. I know you will enjoy this book. To celebrate the launch of their book today, they are graciously offering 2 copies of their book to women in my audience.

Moms have been hoodwinked—tricked into believing lies that keep them from not only enjoying motherhood, but forging friendships with other moms who might tackle the tasks of motherhood differently. Myths such as “Mothering is natural, easy, and instinctive” cause moms to feel like failures if they have questions or apprehensions in raising their kids."

These are some of the wonderful truths they have uncovered:

***Motherhood isn't a contest. We do not have to compare to anyone else's journey, but are quite free to live into the role as God leads and within the limitations of our own puzzle and personality.

***Living to invest in eternal values with our children is far more important than being busy with a long list of activities and commitments for our children or in living up to the demands of peer pressure that others bring our way.

***You are not alone in your work as a mama. God is on your team, and his spirit is there to come alongside you as you seek to invest in your children's lives. He is ultimately responsible for their lives and well being--it is not dependent on your works or perfection to see your children faithfully through childhood.

• Identify the ten myths of motherhood our current culture perpetuates
• Replace the lies with the truth of what God says in the Bible about mothering
• Acquire practical tools to help them form new and improved thought patterns and healthy behaviors
• Forge healthy, supportive relationships with other moms of all ages and stages
• Confidently embrace the calling of motherhood as they care for their families in their own unique way

I always longed for someone to walk beside me in this journey. Now, I am so very excited that Ruth and Karen have provided a wonderful resource so that you can feel that you have experienced and sympathetic companions to join with you in your journey.

Below, Kristen and I wanted to tell you a bit about our thoughts on the ways we have been hoodwinked.

To celebrate the launch of their book today, they are graciously offering 2 copies of their book to women in my audience.

To enter the giveaway, please share about this giveaway and their new book by either posting on facebook or twitter, or leave a comment on this post about what gives you freedom to enjoy yourself as a mom and how you live a life free of carrying the burdens of other's opinions.

You may purchase this amazing book, HERE.

You will find Ruth writing at: TheBetterMom

Karen writes at: KarenEhman.com

Creating a Family Culture of Grace and Love: Life Gifts

Now, as adults, they are "besties."

Sitting late into the night on squishy warm blankets, giggling and holding fast to each other's secrets, my girls love spending time together. And I love seeing the light seeping under the closed bedroom door late into the night. I always wanted my kids to be each others' best friends. It just took a half-lifetime! :)

Each of us has a deep longing to be loved, to have our lives validated, to know that we matter and have a purpose--a place to belong.

It is a longing in our hearts because God put it there.

Yet, mature love that grows and gives is something that has to be nurtured and trained.

As we passed on the GIFTS mentioned in this series of podcasts, as a map of discipleship for me each day, I had to have a long term vision for what I wanted to accomplish and move slowly in that direction, through training, modeling and instruction.

Unconditional love is not common to all families because it takes a lot of work--and often it is the heart or relationships that is neglected. Anger is allowed to fester, blame is a constant habit, and loneliness and neglect of people's needs create more anger and depression.

So many moms write to me and say, "My kids fight all the time--they are so selfish, they run over me!" as though this is unusual. Truth is, we are all selfish, self-absorbed, petty and shallow by nature--sinful nature, that is! All of us are seemingly surrounded at times with conflict from egos running into each other. No family is immune. But for families to grow in grace and to learn to become mature in love is something that is trained, practiced, instructed and developed over a long period of time.

Family is supposed to give roots, strength, security, stability and direction--but this only happens where moms do the hard work of training, correcting, modeling and enduring years of immaturity as children grow through all the stages of childhood.

God also gave mothers the ability to build a strong  home culture,, so that these deep needs would be met. Proverbs--the whole Bible--is filled with wisdom about relationships. If this wisdom is neglected or ignored, families  and individuals will become unhealthy and exhibit the fruit of their untrained or immature hearts.

Building an environment of love, grace, belonging, so that each child who is welcomed into her home, will provide a well spring in their hearts that says, "I have a history. I am a Clarkson (or Smith, or Martinez, or Krasaski), and we love each other, we belong to each other, we will always have stability because we are a part of this family and circle of love, spiritual strength and grace."

Shaping a Family culture like this takes time and intention and does not just happen by chance.

A child who is given a place to build roots, foundations of moral strength, affection and unconditional love and forgiveness, a safe haven in which to grow, will carry stability in their souls their whole lives and will find strength to face the trials of life and the challenges.

This summer, I had the privilege of having all of our kids home together for 8 days. (Clay and I fly everyone home 3 times a year to be together because we want to continue to cultivate, honor and develop deeper relationships.) This kind of intentionality and planning is part of what has built a family strength.

It is so very precious to hear my children sharing deeply, playing basketball, going for long walks, watching movies together while munching popcorn--and say over and over again--"These are my best friends. I don't know what I would do without our family."

As adults, my children have chosen very challenging, secular arenas in which to bring the light of Christ--Hollywood, Oxford, New York, --and these places can be quite lonely for a young Christian seeking to hold fast to ideals. Yet, part of the strength they hold fast to, are the strong bonds of loyalty, a sense of self by belonging to each other, and a refreshment to be together to remember what the "Clarksons" are all about.

Joy got her very first brand new bed set for her 19th birthday this summer--2 single beds. Yet, the sweetest thing is that Sarah and Joy have slept together in her bedroom every night they have been home together, (Sarah leaving her bedroom vacant) because they have become such chums--even though 11 years apart.

Yet, personality differences, friction, age differences, bickering and selfishness have all had to be trained away, one day at a time, for them to reach this kind of friendship. Still all of us are in process. And even when everyone is home together, now, I know we will have a couple of family fusses.

But the desire for peace is so strong, because we all need each other, that grace covers fusses and love binds our hearts together. But where there is no vision or training towards love, there will be no peace or maturity. It is a seed that must be planted, watered, cultivated. The weeds of sin must be cleared on a regular basis.

I have always said to my children,

"It is natural, fleshly, carnal to argue and to be petty. It is supernatural to extend love to live in the grace of accepting each other's flaws."

"In our flesh we are all self-centered and self-absorbed, but when we yield our hearts to the Spirit of God, we extend His grace and show His love through our words and actions."

I will never, ever be loving on my own. Anger, impatience, criticism is all a natural response to irritating people--especially those in my home. It is only the Spirit living through me that will stretch me and my children toward deep, abiding love.

I have learned to say, "Lord, I am so irritated right now. Would you please love through me--I bow my knee in my heart recognizing my need for you and I will choose to love and be patient. Love through me."

As a mama, I felt I had to continually be a model of what I wanted my children to live--and I will not be perfect in this until I look into the eyes of Jesus, after I have left this world.

How is this developed? Through personal time, correction, forgiveness, grace, serving---all very intentional goals. Love does not grow without a plan.

Parents would rather occupy their children's time, give them experiences or more "things" just to buy themselves free time and to pacify their children than to have to take the time to invest personal, eye to eye, voice to voice time. However, a child can be given all the experiences or "things" the world has to offer, but if his soul is starving or empty or filled with the anger of rejection or even passivity, which communicates worthlessness to him, will have difficulty filling this cavernous hole the rest of his life.

When children feel empty, they will look for love and validation in all the wrong places. 

A mother's love and legacy is one of the most powerful influences in the world and will indeed determine the strength and history of our future culture.

But to provide such a work in the lives of children, requires a choice.

The choice is to serve, give, train, instruct, provide, encourage and this choice will have eternal consequences because the souls of the children raised in such a home will be strong, beautiful, spiritual, healthy and formed. Choices have consequences.

Here is a passage our family has memorized and continues to uphold as the foundation of relationships. Romans  12:9-21 (As a matter of fact, we are re-memorizing it this summer and reviewing it a little bit at at time--and again--it is transforming our lives.)

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Hope you enjoy the podcast about this very subject today!

A Childhood Memory of Halloween Redemption

When I was living in Poland, everyone would gather on all Saints Eve and walk through the tombstones of their past relatives who had died to remember their stories and to celebrate their lives. I know that many in my audience have a variety of views on the subject of Halloween. I am not here to tell you mine and do not want to offend anyone. But, Joy, my 20 year old daughter, was remembering a Halloween night at Awana that she never forgot. It was a night when the gospel made sense to her. I hope you will enjoy her story.

Jack-o-Lantern Hearts by Joy Clarkson

For a ten year old, I was pretty competent at life.

I planned my outfit every day, down to the hair style and pink choker necklaces (all the rage in the early 2000’s).

I earned stickers from my piano teacher with “excellent!” and puppy dogs on all of my newly memorized pieces.

I actually liked school, and on occasion would insist that my mother give me more work.

I wrote weekly magazines (with ads and everything) cleverly named “The Joynal.” (I must note: Gwennie, my adopted Aunt came up with name. I hadn’t quite mastered the pun at that age).

One of the ways I exercised my overgrown sense of drivenness was through AWANA. Somewhere along the way, I learned that my sister Sarah (11 years my senior) had won the prestigious Timothy award (4 Bible memorization books in two years). Being, as I’ve said, a competent child, and not wanting to be beaten, I took it upon myself to get the Timothy award. And I did!

Truth be told, I don’t really remember much about AWANA, except a great host of memorized Bible verses that still come back to me and that I loved the running games, even though I never won them. I do, however, have one very specific memory that returns me occasionally. A Halloween memory.

It was the Wednesday before Halloween. I was going to dress up as Anastasia. I had a pretty blue dress with gold trimming, and was planning around my coat as Halloween night was predicted to be the first snow fall, as it is predicted to be this year.

We we are all a tizzy, and most of the leaders had given up trying to make us recite our weekly verses, and were instead wearily trying to chorale us little whirlwinds of destruction without much success. That is, until the speaker came.

It’s odd, but I can’t remember the gender of the speaker. All I remember was this persons hands and words.

With deftness and an air of secret knowledge, the speaker walked to the center of the room and plunked a large, well rounded pumpkin on the table. As it landed on the table, it made a hollow echoey plop, and all at once, our squirmy limbs were still and we all turned towards the center of the classroom. 

“Our hearts are like pumpkins.”

We giggled which I believe was the desired outcome of these words.

“I think pumpkins are beautiful. They are round and lovely… what a pretty vegetable. God thinks you are beautiful.”

With a dramatic flair, the hands revealed a small knife. Gently but with great purpose, the hands began to cut a neat circle around the stem. We all suppressed little gasps of horror.

“But inside all of our hearts, there is a mess.”

The hands neatly pop off the top.

“We have hurts.”

The bare right hand reached inside.

“We have selfishness.”

A sloshing, squishing noise emanated from the basso profundo pumpkin.

“We have anger.”

The began to raise, and with it came the sound of the moist snapping of the pumpkins innards.

“We have sin.”

With almost a flourish the hand emerged from the belly of the beast, carrying with it seeds and slosh and funny smells.

Ewwww!!! We all screamed squeamed.

“Sometimes our insides are embarrassing and ugly, and we wish that no one else would see us. But God sees us. He sees our ugly.”

For the rest of the wonderful story, go HERE to her blog. (Joynessthebrave)

May your day be a beautiful day, whatever it holds.

Developing Personal Vision (Own Your Life Fridays) Ch. 4

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.

ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY

Giving gifts to my children is a special delight for me. One Christmas after a great deal of consideration, careful selection, and a healthy amount of sneaking, Clay and I were elated with the gift we had picked out for our precious son Joel: his first guitar.

It was a perfect fit for our most musical child. At only eighteen months old, Joel was singing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” perfectly and on pitch, and he began harmonizing at age three. As he grew, we watched his abilities blossom, so a guitar was an obvious choice to help him hone his gifts. That morning, pajama-clad and holding hot chocolate, Clay and I smiled as we watched Joel open the guitar case in wonder.

Seeing the look on his face as he ran his hands over the smooth shiny body of his new musical tool confirmed our choice of a gift. Twelve years later, I sat with tears in my eyes, clapping with all my mama-heart as Joel walked across the stage at his Berklee College of Music graduation. The in-between years had been filled with picking, plucking, and strumming that built up calluses on his fingers to be able to fret the strings more easily. And along with the guitar would come new instruments to learn, new skills, and many hours of “jamming” in our living room.

The little boy who had once relished his first real instrument in my living room now stood before me on stage, Summa Cum Laude graduate and Composer of the Year, and an emerging master of his trade. Being a parent has so often given me a deeper understanding of God’s feelings towards me. My delight in giving gifts to my children recalls to mind what Jesus said in the sermon on the mount:

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:11).

The true delight of my parent’s heart was not only giving Joel the gift but watching his grateful and faithful response.

Imagine if we had given Joel the guitar, and he had thanked us for it, but then over the years it sat in a corner of his room gathering dust. We did not give him the guitar with a contract that said, “You must practice with this, be faithful, and become a skilled musician.”

We gave it to him freely. But his faithfulness delighted our hearts as he put the gift to good use. Just as Clay and I knew our son and gave him a gift that we knew would both delight and empower him, so God gives to us even more generously since he is the one who knit us together “in the womb” creating and weaving into our being the very fabric of our personalities and personhood.

Developing Personal Vision

The dreams inside point to the destiny each of us was created to fulfill. We each want to know that our lives matter and that we are not invisible. When we see them only as a series of mundane days, and when we become consumed by busyness and the nonstop media around us, our lives will become empty. When we focus on the expectations of others or dwell on the hurts they have caused us, we become prisoners to the circumstances of our lives. Ignoring the eternal purposes God has designed for us leads to emptiness.

Living with the end in mind means living with an attitude that says, “What has God given me with which to be faithful today? How can I invest in His kingdom, even in this seemingly mundane moment?”

And sometimes faithfulness is very mundane.

When we fall into any of these traps, we tend to make excuses for the disappointment of living mundane, purposeless lives:

"I just don't have time for ministry to others."

"That sacrificial decision would not be financially feasible."

"I meant to write her a note [or call her when she was ill, or reach out to her when she was lonely, or give her some money when she was destitute], but it is too late now. I would probably just bother her."

"What would people think of me if I became that radical?"

"I might fail or embarrass myself."

"Why should I speak up? No one ever listens to me anyway."

Another extreme is when women try to control life and in essence try to control God, seeking to tame and manipulate their circumstances as much as possible in an attempt to avoid more stress and disappointment in life. In both cases, one year fades into another, each more disappointing than the last. If we are not careful, the sands of our lives will slip away, and our excuses will leave only empty echoes in the wind.

As Henry David Thoreau noted, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Determining what good works He created for you to do is essential to understanding how God might use you. Unless you evaluate your life, count the cost of serving God, and make a plan for how you will move ahead, none of this information will be of any help.

Often the story and circumstances of your life will influence your message. How do you want to use what you have experienced to speak into those who have similar lives?

Chapter 4 of Own Your Life is about changing your will in order to be a world changer and really developing a vision that is personal and thinks long term.

Giveaway

I have received so many letters, messages and comments about Own Your Life. I would love to give away 4 copies to 2 readers--one to keep and one to give away to a friend.

What an impact we make on each other when we work in community! I encourage you to grab a friend and go through this book together. Challenge one another and hold each other accountable.

To enter to win, simply leave a comment answering the following question:

Being faithful in an unfaithful world can be wearying!  What good are you growing weary of doing?

Please be sure to leave your email address so I can contact you if you win. 

U.S. residents only.

(Give it away if you already have one. Share with friends. I just hope it will encourage whoever will read it.)

How Can I Cross the Finish Line With Joy?

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matt 5:4 

Darkness of soul is a familiar feeling for me. As my story would have it, the deep feeling of having burdens piled upon my shoulders so heavy that I doubted my ability to keep taking steps forward was familiar to me in different seasons.

Then, daily tasks of feeding, giving, loving and meeting the needs of my whole family would come over and over again, relentlessly. Long nights of hospital machines that helped my children to breathe enough to go to sleep again after hours of gasping filled years of my life. Moving again and settling into a new home meant extending myself over and over again, after learning that most people would not reach out to our own family. We needed to be the initiators, again.

God has given me an idealistic heart, though, and somehow I had this inner bubbling up of delight, a desire to overcome, and so I sought for answers to memorize deep in my soul, that would show me a "light" way forward amidst the darkness that sometimes prevailed.

In the midst of the busy-ness and hard realities of life, it's easy to become burdened, living under a cloud of depression at times.  Yet, the one cry of my heart, since teen years was,

"If someone really knew the living God, who created stars and music and romance and epic stories to be lived, wouldn't their lives be different for knowing Him."

Surely, God wants more for us than that we make it to heaven exhausted and threadbare, hardly able to take one more step.

I wanted to be that person, that when people came to my soul, they would find the God who drew me above my circumstances into a realm of His reality and joy. Many years ago as I pondered what would enable me to live the Christian life with true joy, a memory surfaced of a time I'd attended a very fancy ball with my parents.

As a wide-eyed 6 year old little girl, when my parents had no babysitter, I was taken with them to an evening dinner dance, so that they could still enjoy their special night out with friends. Bedecked in  shiny patent leather shoes, lace socks and my frilliest little girl dress,  my mama let me wear a touch of her lipstick and a tiny bit of pink rouge.

I still remember sitting wistfully at a fancy table, big-eyed and dreamy,  admiring all the twirling dancers when...

"Suddenly, my handsome, 6'3"smiling father strolled over. In one easy, graceful movement, he swept me off my feet and up into his arms. With a tone and look of noble seriousness, he said, "May I have a dance with the princess of the ball?"

"Yes," I said with my little girl smile."

The next thing I knew we were on the dance floor. My feet hung limply down, swinging as he swayed. He held me tightly in his strong arms and easily twirled me 'round and 'round the dance floor. As we danced cheek to cheek, I breathed in the familiar scent of the Old Spice aftershave he had lightly rubbed on his smooth-shaven face earlier that evening. (That spicy aroma still brings back memories of him.)

The tingling excitement and pride that I felt at that giddy but very rare moment, being in the arms of my hero, left me almost breathless. I treasured each second with great delight and took in all the smiles and admiration of the other doting adults. For the several minutes we were on the dance floor, I was caught up in something so special I didn't want it to end. I do not have lots of personal memories with my father, but I remember his arms holding me and carrying me in the dance of the night.

But then the song wound to a close, and the music came to an abrupt stop. Our dance was over. With his long, smooth strides, my father glided back to our dinner table with me still in his arms and set me lightly upon my chair.

"Thank you for the pleasure of your company, sweet princess," he said affectionately and bowed. Then he turned away to find my mother.

The memory of dancing with my father provided a picture of what God desires for us to share. He gave me a personal, visual image of what he wanted me to understand about his joy: that it is wrapped up in him as my heavenly Father, that he is the Initiator, the Provider, the Lover, the Strong One. In short, he is to be my leading man in the dance of life. He is the one who will teach me the steps and the ways to hear His  music amidst my daily life.

My father was a hard working man and spent long days in his office and this memory was rare--the only time I remember this kind of time with him.  And maybe I even recreated the memory of him calling me "princess."

Many of us do not have images of fathers who were personal or attentive, but this memory was a picture that God brought to my mind when I was pondering wanting to have a different sort of life--one in which there was the "more" that my creator had whispered about inside my heart, that my longings were based on something he had created me to experience.

But even more, dancing seemed to be a visual picture of what God wants me to do in my soul: he wants me to dance inside my heart, no matter what is going on outside in my circumstances. To dance is to celebrate life, to make merry, to physically live out the reality of internal joy and to walk so much in His presence that His light shines through the dark days.

Psalm 139: 12 is such an anchor to me through many years and seasons of dark times:

"Even the darkness is not dark to You,

And the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are alike to You."

He is not influenced by darkness, He is light himself. He will give me hope and fill my darkness with his light, if I will go to Him, rest in Him, leave my circumstances to His wisdom, and learn to live into the joy of His loving care.

I learned this inner worship, this claiming of His reality by faith through so many days.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118: 24

.It is why I named my first blog, I take Joy, because I have learned that beyond our circumstances, our burdens, our life in a fallen world, He, the creator of life, beauty, love, gentleness is here and He wants us to know His reality.

Those who walk closely with the Lord do have a secret inner joy, a dancing energy just from knowing Him. It is in having him as my partner, in letting him take the lead, that I will be directed around the "dance floor" of my life.

He is the One who will show me the steps, teach me to hear  the music, how to engage my heart with him and to stay in sync with him, the real Source of the music, the dance, and the everlasting joy."  (parts of this article come from Dancing With My Father, which you can find here!)

God is with you today, in dark times and in light times. And He loves you all the time. He is your ever-committed Father and He will teach you, and me, the ways to let Him lead us in our own unique dances of life.