Avoiding The Comparison Trap

Years ago, when Joy and I attended a mother-daughter tea at the home of a lovely, accomplished Christian friend, I found myself tempted all afternoon to compare the shortcomings of our own family with the apparent strengths of the family at hand.As I walked through the front door with its welcoming wreath, I observed a lovely environment with perfectly placed knickknacks from all over the world. But all I could think was, How does she keep her house so beautiful with all of these children around? Six is a lot of kids to keep under control!

The food for the tea was decoratively arranged on beautiful china dishes, but I was thinking, She sure went to a lot of trouble for us. I need to try harder to do special things in my home!

The food was served by the immaculately clad children of our hostess. (I've got to get some new shirts for the kids; ours all look stained and faded.) Each child appeared to be quite gracious. (Boy do I need to go home and work on my kids' manners!) Each boy had a perfect haircut, and each hair was in place. (I hope they don't see my boys' hair, especially not their fingernails!) The mothers present discussed what their children had been doing recently. This child was head of the soccer team; the other child was almost fluent in French and German (at age fourteen!) Another had won a ballet competition. Yet another was teaching piano classes at age fifteen and making hundreds of dollars each month! (I've got a long way to go with my children! I'd better get to work!)

The mother who hosted the tea party, in reality, was just a sweet woman who wanted to make her friends feel special. And I admit I've exaggerated my response just a bit to make a point—though I really did wonder where that mother went for her boys' haircuts! But this is typical of some of the conversations that sometimes go on in my mind. It is so easy to get caught up in petty comparisons and unimportant issues and lose sight of what we are really aiming for as parents!  And of course, in all these areas, I'd put the focus on myself!

I have had people from time to time say, "Oh, you must be so perfect and your children were just always so much easier to train than mine."

I guess since I write from ideals to inspire and encourage, it can feel as though I present a perfect scenario. (No one will ever think that again after they read Nathan's and my new book.) But, I choose to practice and hold fast to ideals with the reality of imperfections and challenging seasons every season along the way. Perfect performance was not my goal, but moving along the direction of ideals one day at a time was what led me forward--a belief that growing and maturing mattered.

Comparing ourselves to others robs us from the joy of being unique.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped comparing myself to people. As a dear friend said, it leads you to sin, no matter what comparison you make. If you think you come out better than them then you become haughty and have an issue with pride and criticism. If you count yourself as less than others, then you are living by works, and will feel inadequate instead of happy with who you are. There is no grace in comparison. 

So living into your own puzzle--warts and all--is the only way you will find peace. Acceptance with grace is how God desires us to live.

Jeremiah 9 gives us a different view of life than that of measuring ourselves by the external performances of life.  This has helped me refocus the priorities of my life and my parenting efforts so many times:

"Let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches, but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows Me, that I am the LORD who exercises lovingkindness, justice, and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things," declares the LORD. ~Jeremiah 9:23-24

Though this passage was written twenty-six hundred years ago, it is still applicable to us today. Our culture still seeks success through three main areas— the intellect; power and status; and riches. As women, we will be tempted to measure our success by the performance of our own lives, our marriage and our children in these areas as well.

But to step out of the comparison game means learning to like yourself and your family as they are, with holes and scars. Freedom to rest in Christ for who we are brings peace.

According to this passage in Jeremiah, where should our efforts primarily be focused? How can knowing God help us combat the comparison trap we so often fall into as moms? 

The Work of Walking in the Light

The people who are sitting in darkness have seen a great light: Jesus came!

Matthew 4:16

Almost 40 years ago, I found myself in a dilemma that seemed insurmountable.  Living in Poland while it was still under the grips of a Communist regime was very challenging to all of us who worked there. Food was scarce, life was rigid and Christian ministries were not legally allowed. We worked with people under the radar and hosted Bible studies in our home, hoping we would not be discovered by the secret police.

One Christmas season, my roommate, Gwen, and I, decided to go visit our friends in Vienna over the holidays to have a break from the austere life of that particular season. But when we were ready to come back, and we had to come back by a certain date or we would lose our visas and ability to live there anymore, there was an unprecedented series of storms and freezing weather. Many told us it would be dangerous to drive our car in such weather.

However, we had no choice. Either we made it back by midnight or we would be kicked out of the country for good. Our visas would be invalid and we would not be able to enter without valid visas. Our ministry was at stake.

Wrapping ourselves in the warmest clothes, and storing food, water, flashlights, candles and blankets, near us, we began our journey home. The drive through security borders, guards checking our car for contraband, (Bibles or drugs), and the dogs sniffing all around our luggage, provided a very slow trip. Combined with frigid weather, we barely imagined we would make it into the Polish border in time. We literally got through the final set of border guards with only minutes to spare.(There was a little miracle story I tell about in the podcast!)

Now, we had to drive a couple more hours to the city where we lived. When we finally drove into Krakow, where we lived in a small apartment, we had such difficulty finding our way. The electricity had been blown by the storm throughout the whole city. Struggling through shadowy streets with no traffic lights, street lights or house lights, we struggled along in blindness, guessing our way through the fog. 

Finally, we had inched our way to our street and there in the window of an apartment in our building was a single candle, but that light showed us the way home. In the deep darkness and fog, it beamed brightly as a lighthouse to welcome us. Because it was surrounded by such deep darkness, its light was even more exceptional and magnificent. 

Jesus is that kind of light.

Surrounded by darkness in thought, morals, politics, values, every arena of the world, He shines brightly to show us His sure way. And when we are filled with the light of God in the midst of such darkness, people will be attracted to His light in us. And our homes can also be that lighthouse in our world, as we lift up His reality among people who live by performance, fear, bitterness, insecurity, or rebellion.

What does it mean, to walk in the light of God? Walking in His light amidst the deep darkness means we have to look for the light, we have to strain for God's direction. While walking in darkness, we will stumble and fall if we do not keep our eyes on the light.

I have always engaged and embraced this verse:

The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn which shines brighter and brighter until the full day, but the way of the wicked is like deep darkness: they do not even know over what they stumble. Proverbs 4:18

Walking in the light doesn't mean getting all of our desires met or having a perfect life. Walking in His light means that we will look for his light, seek the answers to life from His perspective and to enter into His design and purposes.

Walking in His light means we are given the insight and grace to endure all of life's pathways , the grace to look back and see that God has produced maturity and contentment through the circumstances of my life. We see that He has given us real internal joy and freedom and self-confidence that isn't dependent on what others think about us--as we walk in different ways than the world.

After many years and difficulties, and living through some very dark corridors of life, I can see that the light of Christ was my sure guide and led me to spiritual strengthening, deeper understanding of His Kingdom, of His "laid down life."  I find today I am so much more the person I always wanted to be, but I had no idea what He would have to do to empty my life from darkness of my grasp on this world, in order to fill it with His light.  His light shines on my deepest desires and I know joy because He is leading my life—and I'm thankful I don't always get everything I want or request.

Walking in His light is not simply a means of self-satisfaction, though. Sometimes we are fooled into thinking this. When we are weary and exhausted from the sheer amount of physical labor and energy expended in the service of our families, we become deeply stressed because we thought life would be easier.

We didn't know how much work our children would take or how imperfect our husbands could be. What happened to the Prince Charming whose sole purpose in life was to meet my needs and make me feel beautiful? I once read that depression is the result of unresolved anger. If this is true, I think that the anger stemming from "not having life work as we thought it should" is one that causes many precious women to live with depressed feelings, all the time.

But that is why walking in the true, sustaining light of God is so vital. It is truly only by His grace that we can live in a redemptive way, trusting all the disappointments to Him, gaining strength to make it one more day. His light doesn't make life perfect; His light redeems every circumstance and ushers us into the reality of the kingdom lived out on earth, which basically means God's perfection is working within a very sinful world.

The amazing truth I have come to see, though, is that when I walk in His light and choose His ways, my home becomes a light house. Not only do my children learn from me how to choose light, to follow after His light, but our home becomes a light house--a place where others can look and find guidance, love, forgiveness, truth, righteousness, wisdom.

Are you building your home into a lighthouse--that is shines forth as a haven where others can come out of the darkness to experience the comfort of light?

So what does it look like to walk in the light? I personally think that walking in the light requires me to take time to be in God's presence in quietness every day so I can refuel from the one source of true light.

Seeking to walk in God's light means ...

• taking the Sabbath as a time each week to put aside work and to enjoy a day of rest and restoring
• building specific times into my life where I can regain an eternal perspective
• taking time in relationships to fellowship with others—my husband and my friends—who love me and encourage me and build into my life, so that I have something to give back to all those who would tax my life. Good company is essential to growing as a person of light. The company you keep will often determine a part of the person you become. (He who walks with the wise will be wise, a companion of fools suffers harm.)

Interestingly, walking in the light is not something I can attain by a teeth-gritted effort; rather, it is a choice I make to pull away from the world for moments, so I can be refilled, seek light, and choose to walk in it when I return to the world waiting just beyond my quiet time chair. And it is in those times that I am filled up for living my days well. In those times I seek to see my life through God's eyes, learning what He wants me to learn and knowing that His desire is for me to enjoy life and to celebrate His light every moment. I am refilling my soul's bucket so there will be more insightful nuggets from which my family can draw.

Walking in the light of Christ and His ways requires a decision, a commitment to subdue my schedule so that I can take time to refuel and restore. An intentional building of light into the habits, rituals and rhythms of my days so that my family, my children, my friends are with me in His light ways. 

It is also recognizing the truth that if, as Romans 12:2 says, God's will is "good and acceptable and perfect," then God has not given me more than I can do. If I am living beyond my means, feeling stretched, dry, and dark, then I need to simplify my life so that I can find time to be sure that I am walking in His light—holding on to His perspective, being refreshed in His energy, resting in His wisdom, restoring in the relationships that He designed to be a blessing to me.

More traditions on the podcast of how to make your home a light place.

Do you walk in the light?  How can you experience more of the light and life of God, and carry it to your own world?

Light Verses for this week--read at least one a day and ponder it in light of your stewardship to both recognize His light and to be a light to others and to cultivate light in your home.

Psalms 119:105 Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path.

Matthew 4:16 The people which sat in darkness saw great light; and to them which sat in the region and shadow of death light is sprung up.

Matthew 5:14 You are the light of the world. A city that is set on an hill cannot be hid.

Matthew 5:16 Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in heaven.

John 8:12 Then spoke Jesus again to them, saying, I am the light of the world: he that follows me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.

John 12:35 Then Jesus said to them, Yet a little while is the light with you. Walk while you have the light, lest darkness come on you: for he that walks in darkness knows not where he goes.

Ephesians 5:14 Why he said, Awake you that sleep, and arise from the dead, and Christ shall give you light.

James 1:17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom is no ficklenss, neither shadow of turning.

1 Peter 2:9 But you are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people; that you should show forth the praises of him who has called you out of darkness into his marvelous light;

1 John 1:7 But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ his Son cleans us from all sin.

Revelation 21:23 And the city had no need of the sun, neither of the moon, to shine in it: for the glory of God did lighten it, and the Lamb is the light thereof.

(I just had to include more light verses because it should be the light of Christ that illumines every part of our lives.

*A tradition: Pick favorite scriptures and put them up in your home in prominent places. But be sure to take them down from the walls each year to talk about what these verses really mean to your family. (We use meal times to discuss the verses we have in our home.)

*Read a great book like God's Smuggler to show a man who reflected God's light, (or a biography about Hudson Taylor or Amy Carmichael, who brought the light of Christ to China

*This week, I invited a 10 year old girl over to have tea with me. As a beautiful little one who was lonely, I wanted to be the friend she needed at this time in her life. We had a grand time.

*Memorize at least three of these verses with hour family this month.

*Take a plate of cookies to a neighbor and give them a kind "Autumn Greetings" note to begin opening up a relationship with someone in your immediate life. (My children loved to make cookie plates and then prayed for the people we delivered them to--sometimes 10-12 people in our lives who needed some special attention. They helped me bake, wrap the plates with ribbon and write the cards.)

Tea & Avonlea, with Sarah (Lifegiving Home Series)

A few of the goodies I keep on hand for any friend who happens by...

In Oxford you never have to be alone. But then, you might never be known either. Oxford can be a profoundly lonely place. This is a river-fast, rush to talk and write and do a thousand things city. Night or morning, there is always a talk or a group to be attended, a debate to be had, a dinner to savor, a person to be seen, a task to be done. What is harder to come by is that safe place of friendship where the hurry fades, that quiet space where the worries can emerge, or grief be shared, or where you can simply be tired and seen for the bundle of hopes and fears and delights that human beings always are.

I was sitting in a coffee shop the other day and got downright tickled at the suppressed but obvious need of every person there to be seen, to smile, to know. The chill of the day had driven a dozen of us to the blue-walled, richly scented refuge of that little café where we hunched over books and pretended to be deaf to all distraction. None of us really needed to be there – the plethora of free libraries in Oxford means no one ever needs to study in a coffee shop and I knew very well that I was there because I was feeling lonely, with Thomas at orientations all week and my old friends mostly moved away and that feeling of there being no one to call. I found myself wanting desperately to strike up a conversation with the girl next to me, or the English lit. student across the table. But the hush was self-conscious and stubborn.

Until the door opened and a new girl arrived, a sturdy pile of books in her arms. I scanned the titles and found them surprisingly familiar and without thinking, glanced at her face. She smiled and my eye was caught and I gave her what was, I’m sure, a shy, sheepish grin. Unaware of the unspoken law of shy silence, she sat with noisy ease of movement, complimented the barista on her necklace, plopped her book on the table, and apologized to her seatmate for jostling his chair. He looked up and, wonder of wonders, smiled too. And I watched that whole room crackle and thrill with friendliness. People loosened their muscles, smiled, jostled their books, even laughed. It was remarkable. That one girl, in her ease and joy allowed the rest of us to look up, out of our loneliness, to smile, to see and be seen in a remarkably powerful way. The atmosphere changed because of her presence.

That’s exactly the kind of warm, heart-quickening, life-renewing atmosphere I want my little house here in Oxford to have. Something I have learned quickly here, something I have also remembered afresh from many years of struggle is that it takes only one person to break the silence of loneliness. We live in such a hurried, impersonal world, in which isolation increases by the day. That most people are on the deep side of lonely, that they yearn to be seen and heartily known is a fact I am convinced of from top to toe. I think most people are waiting, even if they barely know it, for someone to ask them a question about their life or hope or struggles or need, a fact which makes me a little bolder every day in reaching out. It takes only a word, a smile, the offer of a cup of tea together to invite another soul into the circle of shelter in which one can be known and loved.

My favorite blue-walled coffee shop.

Home is the place where we are seen. Home - be it student flat, cottage, bungalow, closet, or mansion - is meant to be a place where people come to be deeply known, to rest, to belong. Whatever small space you possess, it is the kingdom in which your love can create an air that is the oxygen of peace for those who enter it. By the meals you craft, by the candles you light (I do love my candles), by the words you speak, and the door you open, you are the maker of a world in which friendship becomes possible. In this new season, as I revel in my own first home, I'm challenging myself to reach out, to move beyond my loneliness at old friends being gone and to use this space of mine as a place where friendships can grow, where strangers come to be companions, where bosom friendships (as Anne of Green Gables would say) begin. 

Breathe In: Companionship of Words

I suppose, having talked about opening your home, it's a bit counter-intuitive to start by talking about the companionship, not of people, but of minds and words. But good books, and the souls behind them, have companioned and nourished my heart through many seasons. And I think when we speak of loneliness, and of overcoming isolation, a first step to take can be into the communion of other active, loving minds whose life and excitement make you ready to share your own. 

Novels accomplish this for me. In my moments of crisis, when the landscape of my own mind and soul were fogged and dim with confusion or loneliness, there have been several stories that stepped into my imagination as friends. The worlds they had made and the people they presented were a refuge to me. Wendell Berry’s Port William and his warm-hearted Hannah Coulter. The Eliot family and their home of Damerosehay in Elizabeth Goudge’s Pilgrim’s Inn. The artistic grit of Thea in Willa Cather’s Song of the Lark. Nouwen’s story of God’s mercy traced through his contemplations on Rembrandt’s painting of the prodigal returned.

They sheltered me. When I was blinded by doubt, I journeyed on by the vibrant light of their created worlds. As I struggled toward courage, as I worked toward new hope in times of exhaustion, those stories were my refuge. I was nourished by the power of what they presented as possible. I sheltered within their scenes, stood beside their characters, then stood back on my own two feet to reclaim my own vision and walk the long road required to bring it to life. Friendship, companionship, community; these were some of the most vivid realities those stories helped me to grasp afresh and begin to create once more in my own life. 

Breathe Out: The Tea & Avonlea Club

Anne of Avonlea was also one of those books. I grew up reading the Anne books and watching the 'Anne of Green Gables/Anne of Avonlea' miniseries once a year. It was tradition. Come fall, come the first turning of the leaves, we kids would help my mom peel apples for applesauce, or we girls would sip a fresh-made cup of hot chocolate and watch the charming tale of Anne - her friendships, her wonder at the world - all over again. In England now, far from my family, I ache for those old traditions and stories to shape my days, I yearn for the friendship reflected in the innocence and wonder of the Anne books. 

So, I'm going to start a 'Tea and Avonlea' Club. It will consist of simply a baked autumnal treat, a pot of tea, an hour of reminiscent movie-watching, and time for conversation after. I'm inviting my new women friends as I find them, hoping to create a place where we can relax and enjoy, savouring the friendship of Anne and Diana (if you don't know this story, get thee forth and read!) and letting it inspire us to our own camaraderie. It's a small step, a light-hearted opening of possibility, but it's the first on the road to new friendship.

Will deeper things come? I hope so. I hope that this open door of good food and fellowship will become the ground for longer conversations, for small disasters shared, for meals offered, for prayers said, for new traditions formed. What I do know is that if I don't begin, none of it will happen. If I sit behind my closed doors, looking out my windows with lonely eyes, life will never grow. But if I bake a cake and open the door instead... that first step is the tilled ground of friendship. I'll open my door, sweeten the deal with tea and Avonlea, and see what good things grow...

This week's treat? A Caramel Apple Upside-Down Cake. It was delicious. And so incredibly easy. It went so fast I didn't even get a picture... 

Reading: Well, I'm currently up to my eyeballs in academic preparation, which includes a good biography of George MacDonald (by William Raeper), the author whose imaginative novel Phantastes 'baptised' the imagination of C.S. Lewis. With his deep, deep grasp of the fatherly love of God, and his belief in beauty as a force of God's goodness, MacDonald has become a beloved voice in my spiritual formation. His At the Back of the North Wind, and Lillith are strange and wondrous favorite tales. 

Listening: A friend recently sent me the album Ghost of a King by The Grey Havens, and I am so enjoying the redemptive lyrics and hopeful, golden, acoustically-toned music. 

Join us next week for the continuing series on The Lifegiving Home.

Surprised by Joy in Family Life

When I first had children, I did not know what children were like. I had not changed a diaper, had rarely babysat and didn't know what to do with children. But because I am an idealist about everything else, when I had children, I approached parenting as an idealist, and  pondered a whole variety of choices regarding their discipline, education, and nurture, so choosing to homeschool was a logical choice for us at the time. I thought a lot about education, books, curriculum.

But what surprised me was, the longer I pursued this "every day, all the time" lifestyle, I began to find heart and soul satisfaction more than I ever dreamed as our family grew so close as friends. We shared probably the most satisfying times in my life being a little "gang" together. We belonged to each other and loved being together, reading the same stories, doing life in every way together. I was surprised by the joy I felt at times about how right it was to be together and to grow in life together. It was a gift I never expected.

Of course there were many days that messes got to me, the kids bickering drove me batty and I longed for a moment alone. But there were so many more times I felt deeply that my investment in them was so meaningful and I so enjoyed teaching and watching them grow in my home. It was a miracle to me, really. I never knew I would love it so much--this being a family together!

In light of this, the following memory seems so long ago, and I'm so grateful to have taken notes on such a simple, everyday day in our lives.  Otherwise, I might have lost it!  How often we rush through all that must be done, and how sad to reach milestones in life when our children move on and away from us--if we find not only have we forgotten special moments, but neglected to carve time for them to happen in the first place ...

The end of summer was near and the promise of autumn drew us irresistibly out of the house on a delightful afternoon. The air was unusually cool, the sun shining full force, and the skies were a stunning blue. It was a perfect day to explore the hike-and-bike trails in the sprawling nature center behind our house which seemed like an extension of our backyard. The girls were content to follow at a slower pace, while Clay and the boys donned biking helmets, jumped on their trail bikes, and took off in the lead for our grand adventure.

Sarah decided she would walk and talk with me as I pushed baby Joy in her stroller. As we leisurely strolled along the trail atop the river levy, we talked about everyday life, casually sharing ideas, feelings, and plans about our week. It seemed such a luxury to have this relaxed time outdoors. Joy demanded that we stop every few minutes while she picked up another leaf to add to the growing collection she was clutching in her chubby little hands. She seemed happy just to shout out her new word to anyone who would listen, "Lee! Lee!" As if to say, I realize you don't know what I am saying, she would hold up her leaf bouquet to be sure we caught her meaning.

The boys, meanwhile, biked energetically up and down the trails, frequently huffing and puffing their way back to us to tell about the people they had seen, the dogs they had met, or some other interesting observation from a boy's point-of-view. As they rode away at high speed, pumping the pedals as hard as they could, there would always be some trick jump attempted, or a tall hill scaled, or a kid-sized wheelie, followed by a, "Hey, Mom, did you see that?!"

Dad, all the while, was taking his time and enjoying the trail at a more "mature" pace. (We had built him an office in the back yard during this period of time, so occasionally he could join us in our adventuresome daily antics. 

Sarah and I waved our admiration to our three talented men, smiling with feminine wonder at the budding masculinity on display before us. Sarah then turned to me with a look of contentedness and said,

"I feel so good when we are all together and close. I'll bet it must be lonely to be in school and not be able to be together all the time."

I knew just what she meant. I loved it when we are all together as a family, feeling like we were an integral part of each others' lives. It feels so natural and normal; the way it should be.

I believe God meant us to feel fulfilled in family because it satisfies our need for a place to belong, a place where you know you fit in. In our family, there was always someone around to admire a new car that Joel has designed, or to enjoy a new piano arrangement that Sarah has mastered, or to be impressed at the new Civil War outfit Nathan had put together, or just to clap for Joy when she takes her medicine without spitting it out on Mom or Dad. (It was her habit!)  Everything was a group activity in our home.

These kinds of joyful moments caught me by surprise. I'm wasn't looking for them or expecting them, but all of a sudden my eyes were opened and I discovered another of the joys that God meant for me to know.

It was there all along, but I had missed it. The joys get lost in the blur of too many activities, dimmed by a nearsightedness that sees only the housework that must be done, the educational goals that must be achieved, and the practical demands that must be met. It shouldn't be a surprise to me that there would be all kinds of joys just waiting to blossom out of the family and home-centered lifestyle of homeschooling. If that is how God meant us to live, then he wants to bless us through it. Nevertheless, I often find myself delightfully surprised by the joy of the life God has given me.

When they were young, I would long for time away, for myself. And sometimes when I was gone for them an hour, I would miss them and feel guilty, at times, that I wanted to be away from them. The load of motherhood is great, and so our feelings fluctuate. But now, as I experience empty nest for the first time in over 32 years, I miss my pack. There is a Clarkson-child shaped hole in my heart. :)

Now, that all are adults, this shaping of our souls together, has manifested itself in such a close-knit friendship amongst us all, that though far away in our work/living situations, we communicate with one another almost every day--often group texts are flying about amongst each other.

We will do anything to congregate together as "friends" and I delight to see each child in constant contact with the others. I love having us all be best friends. But I just didn't know what I was missing as a child until I experienced it as a parent--and homeschooling had a lot to do with all of us being each others peers and best friends. Just something I was thinking about. (Part of this story was taken from Seasons of a Mother's heart. The rest from me today, in my home.)

For more encouragement specifically for homeschool moms, you might enjoy Seasons of a Mother's Heart, here on Amazon.

The Heart Behind the Leader in a Lifegiving Home PC #2

A photo of the Bed and Breakfast where Clay and I stayed in Wales. Clay caught the image of the tree in the background! And our time there was indeed lifegiving. :)

One coolish evening a couple a few weeks ago, one of my sweet ones plopped down on our front porch rocker and sighed such a sigh, it sounded as though the whole world would end. 

As I looked into the face of my adult child, I saw weariness, discouragement, and exhaustion. Amidst projects, financial demands, relationship issues, I knew that life had demanded more than usual and had left this one's soul dry and weary. 

I slipped into the kitchen, got a cool drink, crackers and strong English cheese, and brought out a personal tray and set it next to my depleted child. 

"How about a shoulder rub for just a few minutes?"

As I put pressure on the knots twisted up from stress, and the drink and snacks were consumed, my child looked at me, breathing out the weariness and said, "I think you have influenced me more to love God by your great snacks and shoulder rubs than anything else you ever did!"

When God created the world, he did not make us just people of intellect and  understanding, but people who had senses that made us feel the touch of a hand, the splendor and taste of a well-cooked meal, the soothing sounds of rain pattering down or music wafting through a room, the delight of purple mountains amidst fluffy clouds. We are multi-dimensional beings who are stronger, healthier when all of these differing needs are attended to. 

As we seek to influence the thinking, faith, love of our children, it will be as we do the work of serving, over and over again, of exercising thoughtful and kind deeds, thousands of times, one moment at a time. Someone has to do the work of life that results in pleasurable moments--and when there are children involved, it is often the mama who is the tireless servant, worker, leader.

To have a model of this servant leadership, we ponder just how Christ had such an impact on his own followers.

Bending his knee on the hard, dusty floor, Jesus face creased in  deep thought as he grabbed a rough towel. Longing to reach the hearts of his beloved friends, He knelt to touch them, to serve them, to feed them, showing the depths of His love for them through his gentle, intentional gestures. And after he had done all of this, he began to teach and encourage them.

Now before the Feast of the Passover, Jesus knowing that His hour had come that He would depart out of this world to the Father, having loved His own who were in the world, He loved them to the end ...Jesus, knowing that the Father had given all things into His hands, and that He had come forth from God and was going back to God, got up from supper, and laid aside His garments; and taking a towel, He girded Himself. Then He poured water into the basin, and began to wash the disciples’ feet and to wipe them with the towel with which He was girded. ~ John 13:1, 3-5

Jesus' call to His disciples was compelling; a call to lay down their lives, to serve, to experience rejection and even persecution. He was asking them to believe something that would eventually cost each one of their lives--that He, a carpenter from Nazareth, was actually the Messiah.

The darkness of the evening must have matched his heavy heart. And so what did He do ... before breaking bread and pouring wine, before letting Himself be broken? 

He washed 120 toes.

What an example for us as we live life with our children! (I have often mentioned this when I have spoken at conferences, because it stops me in my tracks over and over again--he has not asked me to do what he has not already done!)

Jesus was going to transfer to His disciples the responsibility of taking God's message of redemptive love to the world. But instead of just telling them what to do, harshly commanding their allegiance with orders and threats or guilt and manipulative statements, He chose to tie the cords of His heart to theirs with the strong and unbreakable bond of a loving, serving relationship.

Jesus spent His last night on earth with His disciples in service to them. How powerful their memories of that night must have been--the King of the whole universe touching and rubbing their dusty feet and gently drying them with a towel. Their Lord and Master breaking the loaf of bread and serving each of them for the celebrated feast of Passover.

Jesus' example of servant leadership set Him apart from so many historical religious leaders. He was not a God who lorded it over His followers and demanded they follow Him or coerced their obedience through authoritarianism and fear. Instead, He called them to the excellence of holiness and yet lovingly served them in order to win their hearts and show them the means of reaching others' hearts as well.

Contemplating the hearts of my own children and seeking to teach them about the grace of God, I realize my love and service to them must come before any of my great words, my teaching and training. My time, my attention, my "soft-tickling"--even when I am tired or have other "important" things n my mind--is what builds our relationship and prepares them to listen to what I have to say. Only then, once the wells of their need are filled with the grace of being loved, will my words to them about God's grace finally make sense.

Ultimately, the heart of a leader is to love God and out of that love, to serve generously as Jesus himself modeled for us through all the moments of His life. 

I hope you will enjoy the podcast today. I have an introduction to this whole issue of the heart of a leader at the first part of the podcast. Kristen is going to take a break for a couple of weeks with her sweet baby. But as an extra treat, I have included an excerpt from the cd of the Lifegiving Home conference cd. I hope you enjoy this special podcast and excerpts from the conference. 

A little excerpt from The Lifegiving Home conference series. Hope it encourages.

Be sure to follow us in The Lifegiving Home book!

An Autumn Pace, with Sarah (Lifegiving Home Series)

Bezier, France, where the pace is slower to compensate for the heat and to give life a personal touch.

The weather has just changed here in Oxford, and I write you with coffee in hand (and high hopes of soup for lunch). For me, life quickens in autumn with freshened energy as the colors change and the rhythm of work kicks in again after the ease of summer. I'm delighted to be writing here at my mom's blog in this season. For so many years, we greeted the turn of this time of year together in a splendid frenzy of applesauce making, long-walks, and the watching of our favorite, homey books and films. It's a pleasure to be savoring these special days with you all here (and you lovely Mom!), delighting anew in the pleasure and work of crafting my own first place to belong and grow as the days draw down to winter. 

I find myself watchful, though, as I plan my next month and think of what I hope to write here. The old traditions and recipes wait to be made and claimed, my little house waits to be formed and filled, but the first thing I find I must do is actually stake out the time to do it all. There's an almost tangible change in the pace here on Oxford once the school year kicks in, both an energy, but also an anxiety. Emails pour in, assignments mount, schedules fill (to bursting) before the week begins; there are a thousand and three things to do, and between the numerous screens all reminding us of our deadlines, it can be difficult to carve out enough calm to do anything more than survive it all. Oxford students are no strangers to panic attacks, but I think this kind of hurry is the general state of the modern world. 

Pace, it seems, is a precious thing that must be claimed.

When Thomas and I were on our honeymoon in the south of France (it's still fun to write those words), we learned something about pace. The southern coastal area where we spent our time burns bright and hot in August, making even a stroll to the bakery for breakfast a rather sweaty ordeal. Walking our usual long-legged (did you know the Dutch are the tallest people group in the world?) hurry-up, Oxford pace, we often arrived back at the house rather drenched. Until one golden morning when Thomas grabbed my arm, and 'slow down,' he said, 'look at the people around us'. I did, and together we both became abruptly aware of the slower pace at which they were walking, the easy way they loped along, stopping to talk with friends, sitting in the shade, and enjoying the umbrellas overhead (a delightful addition to one French town). Over the next days, we noticed that the whole culture moved at a slower pace; conversations lingered, movement was langorous, meals were leisurely, and while we were there, we made ourselves slow down from the hurry we knew to breathe, rest, and enjoy in a way we hadn't for a good long time.

What that practice formed in me (aside from fascination with the way that geography shapes culture) was a renewed commitment to take better charge of my rhythms in Oxford, to make sure that the home Thomas and I were going back to create would be marked by a pace that provided us with room, not only to produce and learn, but to rest, to listen (to God and to each other), and to welcome the people we love. To that end, I've been pretty pointed in establishing our rhythms, two of which I'll start by sharing with you today. 

Breathe In: Morning Quiet

It's basic. It's simple. It feels almost too obvious to write about, but if there is one foundational practice that has formed my life and is a core rhythm in the life of almost every person I respect, it is a commitment to morning devotion and quiet time. I've written before that some of my earliest memories involve waking daily to find my mom with her Bible and a cup of coffee in hand (thus beginning my love for both!). I followed in her footsteps, establishing a reading of Scripture, and of journaling early in my teen years that even then I recognized as vital to my spiritual growth, my peace of heart, my hope in the future. That practice has become increasingly hard, though, with the demands of work, study, family, and now marriage. I have watched myself slip in commitment to that core practice, but as I do, I also notice myself become edgy, restless, and insecure in the noisy hurry of my life.

'Be still and know that I am God'; that is the heart of this practice, the reason I am working so hard to reclaim it. That quiet morning time is the space in which I remember who I am; beloved and redeemed, held in the hands of a Goodness much greater than my own. It's the space in which I am able to listen to my own soul, to untangle what troubles or grieves me, so that wounds can begin to heal rather than fester. It's the space in which my wonder is renewed, in which I become quiet enough to see and in seeing give thanks for; the gentle play of dawn light over my hands, the grace that comes in the ordinary kindness of a neighbor, the wonder of sharing a home with this man that I love. 

How is it done? I think each quiet time looks different. I think each person's need and rhythm and form of devotion (and attention) varies. For me though, a portion of Scripture (even if only a Psalm), and a space of quiet prayer is core. This is where I get back to the first truth about myself and the world every day: God loves me and I can trust him with my questions, my trouble, my joy. Other people I know use this time to sing, to pray a liturgy, or simply to be hushed. If I have enough time, I always have a devotional book of some sort to frame and supplement my reading. These days, I've been going back through Madeleine L'Engle's Genesis Trilogy. Her strong affirmation of God's love as the heartbeat of creation deeply centres me. I'm also going slowly through Eusebius' History of the Church (a wedding gift to two budding theologians) and find it surprisingly simple, engaging reading about the early church that makes me want to live with fiery love and true devotion. I'm also a strong believer in journaling; it is a means of translating my soul, untangling my troubles, documenting my wonder, listening to my heart. Even if only a paragraph a day.

What these brief, daily moments add up to is a centred heart, one whose beat is set by God's love, by trust, by wonder, rather than the cadence of hurry and distraction. Be still and know. Daily, I try to do exactly that.

Breathe Out: Sunday Lunches

For Thomas and me both, home is a place where you invite others. Home is where you share meals and have long conversations, and create friendships that will last for decades. But we knew that his academic schedule, my deadlines, and the work of normal life would make hospitality hard unless we planned for it. So our second Sunday back from honeymoon, we began a tradition I think we'll keep for the long run: slow cooked Sunday lunches ready to share.

For my wedding, I was given a beautiful blue Dutch oven that has become already one of my best kitchen and entertaining tools. I'm now on my third week of sticking some combination of meat and vegetables in it on a Sunday morning, leaving it in the oven on a low heat, and arriving back from church to a delicious lunch waiting to be shared with whomever we've brought home. This means that with little work, I am able to serve 2-3 extra guests and that we are free to invite new people, visiting friends, and neighbors for a meal at a set time every week. With this rhythm in place, we're free to welcome and plan, to reach out and enjoy the people in our lives on a regular basis. It's only one of many small traditions of hospitality we hope to create, but the story is just beginning, and so far its good. 

A recipe? I must admit to being a bit of an experimenter at this point. But here's what I did. Using a Dutch oven that was a beautiful wedding present, I sauteed an onion and several cloves of garlic in olive oil, adding four chicken breast to brown as well. I then filled the dish halfway with chopped carrots and halved new potatoes. I stuck sprigs of fresh rosemary in amidst the meat and vegetables, and sprinkled some 'herbs de provence' in between, then filled the pot with enough water (about 1/2 to 2/3 full) to keep the chicken simmering for 3 hours. I put the lid on, stuck it in the oven at 250/300 degrees and left it until I returned from church. The chicken was fall apart tender, the vegetables soft and savory. I was amazed. And it worked the next week too. The first week, I poured out the broth and thickened it with a bit of milk and flour (and cream!), then shredded the chicken and combined all to make a chicken pot pie base with southern biscuit topping. The second week, I just thickened the sauce with a little flour and butter and seasoning and served it all as was with green beans and applesauce. Both ways were superb. 

So there you have it. My two first rhythms in my tiny Oxford house with its bright red door. Life is delightful, autumn is coming, God's is ever good and present in the smallest details of the glorious ordinary and home is one of the best places to discover that fact. I hope you're finding your own small wonders in this season. Over and out for now. Sarah

Reading this week: To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee. I picked this up as part of a stack of good fiction to read over the honeymoon. For obvious reasons, I find it a wise and nourishing story that helps to frame some of the headlines on the news right now. Additionally, it's a book about a remarkable father, determined to teach his children to be the kind of people whom others can 'trust to do right'.

Listening to this week: Andrew Peterson's Counting Stars. Thomas had never encountered this lovely music before, so it became our soundtrack as we drove all the backroads of France (in our adorable rented red Fiat). (And let me say that 'Dancing in the Minefields' is a good (amusing) song for a new marriage.)

Discipleship: Not a Part-Time Job

I remember one summer when my daughters had just returned from a day at a local Vacation Bible School. My youngest, Joy, was one of the "VBS-ers." My older daughter, Sarah, and a friend were helping with the program.

At that time, our church was a small congregation, out in our little area of Red Rocks Ranch and we knew just about everyone in the church. This made for a fun time for Joy, our extravert.

I had a cool summer lunch waiting for my hot and worn-out troops when they returned from their first morning of VBS. While they ate, the older girls chattered on with their observations of the opening events, because Sarah and her friend had been the teachers. Evidently it had started with a couple of hundred noisy kids crowding around until the person in charge yelled above the crowd, "EVERYONE LISTEN! Have your children stand in lines according to their ages!" Immediately diligent parents began dragging their children toward the right lines. One five-year-old had thrown a screaming fit because he didn't want to stand in line. Others hadn't wanted to leave their mothers and protested loudly. Finally the crowd organized, and the children were assembled in their appropriate groups. But the rest of the morning had been fraught with ups and downs and lots of energy expended through the wiggles, giggles, and antics of lively little bodies.

What was Joy's take on her VBS experience? When I asked how the day went, she immediately replied, "Oh, it was pretty good, but I got slapped in the face by the girl in front of me. I also got a neat cupcake that I ate the frosting off of and a neat little truck that runs by balloon power."

"Well, what did you learn, Joy?"

"That Jesus is real powerful and can do almost anything.  We got to yell, 'That's so cool' when anyone said, 'God can do anything.' I think my group yelled the loudest! Also, Mommy, did you know that a polar bear weighs fifteen hundred pounds and will stalk a human being for two hundred miles?"

My older ones agreed that the morning had offered a fun free-for-all for most of the kids there. For me it was like a little day camp for Joy. Then Sarah said thoughtfully, "Mom, if that is the only exposure some kids got to the teachings of Christ, they would indeed have a shallow foundation. It was all pretty lightweight and almost meaningless. It's a good thing you spend time alone with Joy teaching her about the Bible."

Understand that I'm not down on Vacation Bible Schools in particular or children's activities in general. I'm sure over the years that many children have become believers through Sunday school, afternoon clubs, VBS, and youth groups. (My first memory of wanting to know Christ was in a back yard club where I saw the gospel presented on a flannel board.)

In my observation, however, many of these experiences are more like day camps than true discipleship tools. They entertain the kids, and the best of them offer some valuable biblical training as well. Yet I know that the real work of digging deep wells in my children's hearts with Scripture, a biblical world-view, issues of prayer and faith, and Christian convictions is a job for which God will hold Clay and me responsible, not the volunteers at church. And this is a task that is best accomplished day in and day out with our focused attention on each child's heart.

It is not enough to take our children to "Christian activities" or to listen to "Christian Radio" or to read little "Christian books."

Jesus didn't meet with his disciples once a week for Bible study and then say, "I'll see you next week!"

He gave his disciples his whole life. He lived with them, slept with them, traveled with them, and lived out a life of godly maturity before their eyes. Having the personality of the God who created the universe living with them every moment for three years gave them an understanding of his ways that nothing else could do. They observed him in the private times of friendship and eating and sharing and being exhausted and buying and preparing food as well as in pubic ministry—teaching, healing, worshiping, confronting, encouraging. There was perfect integrity between the words He spoke and the life He lived. Thus his disciples could learn what righteousness looked like in all situations.

In the same way, our children will learn righteousness best by seeing it lived out in every possible way in our lives, moment by moment, in the context of normal life.

As we teach our children to "do unto others as we would have them do unto us," they need to see it lived out in our lives so that they will know what it means. When a child breaks a favorite vase and we extend forgiveness and patience, then he will have heard he needs to learn patience and he will have seen it modeled in real life. The first principle of reaching our children, then, is that we have to make the time to be with them. And we need to be diligent to practice what we preach!

“Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is one!You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might.These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up."

~Deuteronomy 6:4-7

Some of you have heard this scripture so many times you could recite it by heart! But when was the last time you looked at it slowly, pondering its words, and considering what it means in your own life?  Is there an adjustment you might make in your schedule or calendar--or heart!-- today that would help you obey these words more completely?

Planning & Building a Life Giving Home (A new Podcast Series!)

I often think of my home as a kingdom where i am ruling over it to cause it to be productive, influential, a place of life for all who come into its walls. The rooms should hold inspiration and place of the instruction of truth for all who are served here. As a queen rules so that her subjects may be safe and grow strong and prosper, so I have the authority and power and stewardship to make sure I am ruling and subduing (bring growth and order) in such a way, that these goals are moving forward. 

Perhaps another analogy is that a  mom is the CEO of her home, the one who determines and cultivates the life, activities, values and soul development. To do this work, she must be working from the depth of her own soul. 

This is a long term call--a long distance run.  Pacing ourselves, making sure our own emotional cups are full, seeing that we are growing in grace and beauty is essential to modeling that to our children. 

As I enter a new season each fall, I always take time to plan the year ahead. What kind of a woman do I want to be? How can I become more excellent? How I am doing on growing more in grace and civility each day?

Today, Kristen and I are beginning a new podcast series to discuss our home philosophy, to hopefully give new inspiration to your own vision of home during this season, as well as to give some real practical ideas that can be implemented in each of our homes. We hope you will enjoy our new podcast series and that you will add your own ideas and comments to help other moms here. 

Each week, we will have a small assignment for those who want to craft new ideas along with us. I will also have a Bible verse for 6 days (Sundays off!) to help with some verses to ponder, and we will have a new tradition or movie, music or recipe each week. Sarah will top off the Fridays with Resources and ideas for the Life Giving Home all the way from Oxford. If you want to follow some of the ideas that we are taking straight out of the book, The Life Giving Home, you can purchase it to underline and add notes as we go for the next 8 weeks. 

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Traveling hundreds of miles on trains, gathering with  friends over tea times and munching fish in pubs, gathering with a couple of hundred parents in a conference and chatting with people in hotels while I was away in the UK, has convinced me more than ever for the need for  homes to be established all over the world to build righteousness and to preserve truth.

In a world awash with differing messages, and worldly influences through every sort of media, children and adults need to live in a home that is safe, true, cultivating the life of Christ and building on foundations of the word of God.

Leadership is an essential part of giving our homes such direction. A godly leader is one who knows the way God wants them to live and is moving in the direction of God's wisdom and will, and then shows and takes others on this sure path. In order for us to lead in our families and with our friends, we must be working from an internal store of convictions built from a collection of God's Word and application of it to every day life. 

My most famous quote is, "In the absence of Biblical convictions, people will go the way of culture."

in other words, if you are not leading your children and making your decisions from Biblically based truth and convictions, then you will be subject to the voices of the world, of peer pressure, of feelings.

To know how to lead your children requires that you are always growing in wisdom and insight from God, HIs word and the encouragement of the Holy Spirit as you make decisions. We hope in the weeks ahead, we will be able to discuss some of these ideas and help all of us move this year on a sure path of living in the safe boundaries in our homes, by building on the right foundations. 

Giving leadership to those in your life, (other friends, women, children, family members) requires us to know where we are going and what we want to accomplish. Leadership makes us feel secure, protected, provided for. When we lead well, our children know what to expect, what expectations to fulfill. Good leadership invests in the growth and development of those under the influence of that leadership. 

Verses for Pondering

Here are verses about leadership in scripture. Read one verse a day several times. Ponder it, pray it, evaluate it. At the end of the week, write down a personal statement about what you think are some of the most important virtues of a godly leader. 

Phil. 2:3

Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves;

Luke 6:31

"Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.

Matthew 20:26

"It is not this way among you, but whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant,

John 3:30

"He must increase, but I must decrease.

Proverbs 11:14

Where there is no guidance the people fall, But in abundance of counselors there is victory.

Proverbs 16:12

It is an abomination for kings to commit wicked acts, For a throne is established on righteousness.

Psalm 78:72

So he shepherded them according to the integrity of his heart, And guided them with his skillful hands.

I particularly like the last verse--we shepherd according to the integrity of our hearts. I have to ask myself, is there integrity in my heart that influences the way I behave every day?

The second part of the verse is so comforting-"Guided them--showed them the way--gave instruction--with skillful (confident) hands. 

The Weekly Assignment

We read in scripture that "Jesus grew in wisdom and stature and in favor with God and man." Luke 2:52

Based on these 4 areas: Wisdom, Stature (physical health and strength), Favor with God--growing in our relationship with God, and favor with man--in relationship with people, write down goals for these areas for you personally, for your children and for your marriage.

Write down goals, what you would like to see happen in your life? Name one character quality in which you personally want to grow?

Same for your children’s lives? What one virtue do you want the them to grow in?

Your marriage?

Write a sentence for each one. What are your goals for these areas?

Wisdom; 

Stature: 

Favor with God:

Favor with Man:

A Clarkson Fall Tradition (Listen to the podcast)

Making a picnic basket with everyone's favorite treats, my sweet ones would chatter, bring favorite music, crowd into our van and sing and giggle all the way to an Apple Orchard about an hour from our home. Going on an outing to an Apple Farm and picking our own baskets of apples has been a yearly trek for many years. Only in the past few years, if we are out of town, do we miss it.

Upon returning home, the whole crew gather on towels on the floor to peel, slice and cut apples into big stainless steel bowls. Eventually, we pile these into large pots with a little boiling water, (you can find recipes by Googling Homemade Applesauce). Our treasures become jars of applesauce and apple pies and apple cake. We prefer the sweet ones to the sour ones. While doing this every year, we watched Anne of Green Gables and then Anne of Avonlea. I still love this tradition and I will be watching these shows soon, even without the kids, to give myself some sweet, innocent pleasure. It is times like this, the togetherness and common shared life values, that tied us to each other. 

What is one fall tradition you practice each year? We would love to hear.

Try to schedule a fun, unexpected one for your family in the next few weeks.

We will talk about more ideas on the podcasts each week, so stay tuned!

A Book Begins with a Question...Join us For a New Podcast Series

Hiking in my Colorado mountains. Joel was with me and he said, "Mom, look up!" And so he caught me amidst these golden beauties. 

A Book Begins (with a question)

Fall is in the air in Colorado and I just want to sit outside on my porch and soak in the chill air, the quivering aspens and the gorgeous fall colors. I know that the snows are coming soon.

What a whirlwind the past month, and I have been gathering memories, treasures of wisdom from others, sweet last moments with my children as they go to their various schools.  I am bubbling over with things I want to write about. I treasure all the wonderful people I met in Oxford, Wales, London and Scotland. 

Since returning home from the UK, my mind has been filled with ideas about what subjects to cover in new podcasts and how best to encourage and inspire. In the midst of this, Sarah, my daughter,  has been face-timing me and sharing the delight of her new home as a bride, creating beautiful places and pondering the ways she will be investing her life. As we talked, we cooked up a series that I hope you will enjoy. 

As we launch into a new season, I thought it might be fun to do a series about how to set up fresh goals, revisit ideals and how they fit into real life schedules, and new ideas to implement inspiration and meaningful rhythms into our homes.

I decorated our home for fall this week and enjoyed getting back into my "homey" mood. I thought of many things I want to share with you. Yet, one needs time and rest to be up for all that life demands. It took me a few days of being home before I felt like even unpacking. Finally a week later, I felt like decorating. All in good time. We shall talk about pacing life. 

This is how it will play out.  Every Monday, Kristen and I will be doing a podcast on Foundations that create life in your home with lots of ideas about The Life Giving Home. We will share books, recipes, traditions, the secrets of discipleship and influence, educational encouragement as well as filling our own minds and souls with beauty, goodness and strength. On Fridays, Sarah will be adding some recipes, traditions, music and favorites that she is putting in her home, and many ideas we have been sharing that we practiced in our home through the years. We hope you will enjoy our new series.

Also, Sarah has had bubbling up in her the idea of a new book that I think will be so helpful and soul-filling to moms who want some investment in their own lives--not just forever focussing on children's issues but on themselves. So please let us know what you think and leave us comments below. 

A Book Begins....(with a question!)

I’m sitting at my new kitchen table, with a wash of pale, pearly sunlight over my hands. Autumn has come in a rainy rush the past few days, but the air this morning is crisp, clearing, and that sense of a new season tingles in my skin and begins to burn in the leaves outside. I always feel quickened in autumn, with new ideas, with freshly gripped ideals that must be well begun before winter sets in, and this year I burn with all I want to create; a new home, new books, new friendships and traditions…

Our first Sunday breakfast… with the mountain of boxes in the back ground.

My hearty dose of reality this morning is a mountain of empty IKEA boxes to my left (which, if you don’t have a car, become suddenly difficult to dispose of) and a room crammed with all of the downstairs furnishings as the (very old) ceiling in our front room decided it was time to crash down, evidenced by a large and sinister crack in the plaster. We managed to delay this by propping wood under it, and the builder comes this week, but for the moment the settling and ordering of this new little house is on pause, so I am turning my autumn-freshened energy to the next thing that burns in my heart: writing.

I have three notebooks open on the table, all with scribbled lists of what I want to write. Oh, there is so much I want to tell and explore, so many stories, so many truths I’ve gathered in the last year of study, of love, of watching God’s grace thread through my life, weaving so much hope. There’s much I will write on the blog here– daily wonders, theological discoveries, favorite books, the usual. But the time has also come when I am ready to begin another book, and I think I know what it will be.

Here’s the thing, I want to ask you about it first.

As many of you know, much of my writing in the past years has focused on children and reading; why reading is important, how it shapes the soul and self, and why a strong imagination is so vital to the development of mind and soul. I only grow more passionate about these ideas, but as I have studied theology and spiritual formation, I’ve been startled to realize how many of the things I learned about how children develop and grow are still just as vital for adults.

We equally need to cultivate a capacity to wonder, a love for learning, a strong imagination. We equally must read because all of this is central to the way we see ourselves, the story we create, the faith we hold in the midst of grief, the beauty we bring to a hopeless culture.

I’ve spent the last year asking the same questions of myself that I asked for children: How can I cultivate wonder in myself (something I think is necessary to worship)? How do I nourish my own imagination? How do I strengthen my faith, broaden my own ideas, educate my mind so that I have roots in truth and the capacity to interact wisely with the world around me?

As I have asked and answered these for myself, I’ve begun to realize that a new book is beginning to out shout for creation in my mind. And it’s this:

What if there was a ‘book on books’ for women? A book to be a companion as you learn to fill up your own soul, learn afresh, strengthen your own imagination. What if there was a book with favorite booklists, resources, essays, and suggestions for habits that met women in the midst of their ordinary lives, which is, after all, where most of our learning takes place. A book on development of mind and soul that also focused on imagination and reading, but was written to adults. Not an academic book, or a college course, but one that explores, creatively, personally, and with practical application, what it looks like to educate, nourish, and fill the rooms of your heart and mind and soul, wherever you live, whatever your story.

This would be a book of personal stories and ideas, of book recommendations and suggestions for how to begin, of favorite resources and chapters focusing on education, reading, devotion, culture, community, a book meant to encourage you to learn, to grow, to nourish the inmost rooms of heart and mind so that you can be strong and creative, and better equipped to flourish in whatever work God has given you to do.

So here’s my question (really, a series of questions), but it boils down to: would you be interested in that kind of a book, and if so, what would you want it to provide?

Would you want an all out ‘book on books’ with reading research and book lists and reviews written specifically to you?

Or one that included books but was focused on a more holistic vision for becoming self-educated, how to go about it, how to think about it, how to create a community to do it?

Would you want vision or pragmatism? Stories to fill your imagination, or practical lists to help you begin, or both?

Would you want to hear from other women writers or thinkers? Would you want the book to be a handbook with stories or a memoir with lists?

In short – I’d love to hear your ideas, would be delighted to know your own desires in this whole area of self-education and soul development. I’ve already begun work on this book, putting together lists of beloved books, talking to mentors and friends about the habits they’ve practiced to fill soul and heart with beauty. My heart and mind flare to life at thought of women reading, learning, growing afresh together.

So, tell me what you think. I’ll be so grateful. (And it will distract me from the IKEA boxes.)

A beautiful day to all you beautiful people.

Sarah

Commitment in Marriage: A Summer Amongst Friends Podcast!

After Sarah's lovely wedding day, we certainly find ourselves with love and romance on our minds around here!  We all come into marriage with such high ideals.  All the things we want to do; all the things we're determined we'll "never" do!  Yet reality sets in somewhere around the 24 hour mark, doesn't it?  When we realize after our beautiful day has come and gone, that we are still a sinful person, and now married to a sinful person ... will we find the popped bubble too much to bear and give up?  Or trust in Christ's faithfulness to us, both as a strength and a model for our own lives?

Yet, I look back now and realize that the dreams where we build a family culture, life together, a home built on foundations of love and faith are the greatest work we can do in our lifetime. This precious work of life requires vision and an understanding of how to build a strong heritage over many years. 

When Clay and I got married, we brought with us a lot of emotional baggage from our less- than-perfect backgrounds. We were immature, self-centered, and had personalities so different that we often rubbed each other the wrong way. Many of the relational habits we had developed were not healthy. And although we were committed Christians, still we hit some difficult times of conflict through the years. It is quite normal for young marrieds to have division and conflict. Becoming "one" takes years of rubbing off the rough edges, stretching and straining towards unselfishness when we feel that we personally want to be loved and served. 

I was a passionate, relational, affectionate dreamer. I hate to say it, but I was confident that my "ways" were quite spiritual. Clay was introverted, rational, organized, practical, and also convinced that his way of seeing life was right. Those times of tension and conflict were the tests we had to pass: Would we remain committed to each other in spite of our differences? Did I understand that my loyalty to Clay, even when I felt distant, was an issue of faith between God and me? Would I, for the sake of my love and commitment to Christ, commit to serve Clay and act out of unconditional love?

Somewhere during those challenging times I realized that God is not so much concerned with my immediate gratification as he is with the development of my soul. God whispered to me as I prayed, "What if the one thing I asked you to do by faith was to be steadfast in choosing to stay committed and loyal to Clay? Would you worship me by choosing one day at a time to grow and to choose to love?"

I had a choice to trust God with my times when I felt isolated or lonely amidst the stresses and strains that come with marriage and family life.  Seeking to trust God while learning to work with, love, and serve my committed but normal and all-too-human team members--children and husband--was quite stretching for me. I had a choice to trust God while hoping for a "Cinderella" marriage yet learning that it takes work to build intimacy, to live through memories and the work of getting through it together, through seasons that would tie our hearts together in the mutuality of shared life events.

Relationships are complex and in this world will never be perfect. We need to avoid thinking that our spouses are all good or all bad. Most of us are a mysterious mixture of each. 

One day at a time, I would nurture and cultivate a life-giving and loving environment in our home out of obedience to my sweet Lord. After all, I had committed my life to him, and that included being faithful to Him through this holy commitment called marriage. Through each of these situations, God led me to understand more deeply and clearly the sacrifice of love, the power of unconditional acceptance and commitment that also defines God's love for me. Marriage was one of the biggest testing and training grounds for me, but by yielding to His ways little by little, year by year, I began to understand more of what it really meant to love. It was not just a feeling but a determination to serve, forgive, accept, move on, and seek peace.

Clay, too, had choices to make. He saw how critical my attitude was and how self-righteous I could be. Either he could give in to his frustration, blasting me with the reality of my immaturity and acting resentfully toward me, or he could be faithful to God and choose one conflict at a time, to be patient and long suffering with me.

We were committed to one another and our commitment drew each of us  toward maturity. God slowly did heart surgery and showed us the story he wanted us to live, for Him, for our children and for the sake of being able to encourage others along the same road.

Of course, neither of us always responded to these tests perfectly. Sometimes we needed time to move through our differences and to absorb the stress of family and married life.

But we had decided that the bottom line to our family relationships was to forgive one another and to speak love and pray together before going to bed. We also taught our children that no matter what, we would be committed to them, and they would be trained to be faithful to one another as siblings. Forgiveness was spoken, prayer was made, peace was chosen as a way of life.

But now, having practiced faithfulness through the trials of those many seasons, our love is deeper and more sure. Now that I am more aware of my sin, I can't believe Clay put up with me! But having lived together through years of babies, moves, illnesses, catastrophes, financial pressures, and temptations, our love is all the more precious and of great value because it has been tested by fire.

It has become a treasure of a story through which we persevered through many diverse and demanding seasons. I find deep, fulfilling joy in knowing that we have made it through and in the process brought so much more worth to the marriage commitment of our lives. And now that my children are in a world where promiscuity, immorality, unfaithfulness, compromise is the norm on every front, they have deeply impressed in their psyches that marriage is to be honored, marriage covenants are to held as far as possible.

In a fallen world, many precious ones find themselves in heart-breaking circumstances in broken marriages, and find themselves alone. We are all broken and in need of the sweet mercy of Jesus. I understand that everyone's story is different and I have deep love and sympathy for anyone whose journey has brought such pain. Many sweet friends have lived through these very difficult times and I pray God's gracious love brings healing and comfort.

Yet, when, if we are able to follow God's ideals and stay the course of our marriages, we are building foundations where loyal love, and virtuous commitment can be a story lived out in real life to show the reality of God's unconditional, forever love for us.

The man said,

"This is now bone of my bones,

And flesh of my flesh;

She shall be called Woman,

Because she was taken out of Man."

For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. ~ Genesis 2:23-24

We recently celebrated our 35th wedding anniversary! Can't believe we have passed that many years together!

Marriage is meant to be a picture of the love Christ has for the church; His commitment and persevering faithfulness to us. He said He would never leave us or forsake us. He laid down his life for us.  Jesus treasures marriage because it is the holy place where His love for the world is modeled by how we practice giving to one another and staying the course of our commitment. What might you do to strengthen your own marriage, today?