Different Son, Different Mom

Over the years as I've shared stories about my family during our conferences for moms, many of them have been "Nathan stories."  There were just so many fun and interesting happenings that involved him, I suppose!  And so, afterward women would come to me and say, "I have a Nathan, too!"  It seems many of us are parenting children who pull our strings and push our buttons all at the same time!

Of course, many of these children are just typical, busy, excited, full-of-life children, and even that by definition can be exhausting.  Others are truly outside-the-box in diagnosable terms.  Whichever type of different child you are personally dealing with, we hope our book, Different, will be encouraging to you.  Nathan and I share a bit of our story, here ...

Nathan: I’ve always known I was different. It wasn’t something I chose or an identity I one day decided to wear. Being different is woven into the very fabric of who I am. Part of it comes from the various “disorders” that have challenged me and my family, and part of it simply comes from the outside-the-box personality God decided to give me.

Being different has made itself evident in every corner of my life, peeking out and reminding me whenever I start to think I might be normal.

I know I’m different because when other children were content with walking on the sidewalk, I felt the need to climb the rails. Because when others’ questions would stop, mine seemed to go on without end, often frustrating those who ran out of answers.

I know I’m different because when I was fifteen I began taking six showers a day and washing my hands until they bled.

I know I’m different because my mind seems to change channels at will, making it nearly impossible to focus on any one thing for more than a few minutes.

I know I’m different because no matter how hard I looked at the math problem or how many times my tutor explained it, my mind simply couldn’t grasp the simple numerical basics that seemed to come so easy to my friends and siblings.

I know I’m different because while I long for affection, I am often scared to touch the ones I love for fear of contaminating them.

I know I’m different because even now as a twenty-seven- year-old adult, there are times when the weight of the world seems so heavy I don’t feel able to leave my apartment.

I know I’m different because I’ve been told so by every important person in my life.

Sally: There are an infinite number of ways to be different and to feel like one doesn’t fit in. The difference can be personality driven. It can involve physiological issues, mental illness, or emotional issues, and can be shaped by experience. (Nathan’s case, it turned out, did involve several clinical disorders as well as a number of personality quirks that set him apart from the crowd.) And feeling different—being different—is something our culture, especially our Christian culture, does not talk about much. People often turn their heads away from people and situations they don’t understand and pretend they do not exist. And the words “mental illness” can make them positively squirm.

But the truth is, all of us are a little bit quirky in some way or another. All of us have Achilles’ heels, uniquely vulnerable areas of our bodies, minds, and personalities. And some of us, to be honest, are a little quirkier than others—which is why we struggle so much and why other people—especially parents, teachers, and authority figures—have a hard time dealing with us. We are not convenient to their expectations of how life ought to play itself out.

But these personality differences, these outside-the-box preferences and approaches to life, don’t have to be liabilities. Or they don’t have to be only liabilities. They can actually be a gift to us and to others who are willing to look at life through our unique lenses.

 How are you or your children different?  Have you learned--or are you, like me, still learning?!--to accept and see those differences as blessings?

 

The Power of Gentleness in the Life of a Different Child

"A gentle answer turns away wrath."

Perhaps when I became a wife, or parent, I assumed, I would be able to be mature, healthy, loving, and successful at these relationships. Conflict in my own heart and life, the stress of living with so many needs and so many demands showed me my selfishness. I longed, though, for mercy. I wanted to be understood--that I had a heart to be good at  these relationships but sometimes I just couldn't--my own selfishness got in the way. I meant to be patient, giving, loving, but I had my limits.

And so did my children--and all were different and all pushed my buttons in different ways. It was through my different children and the demands of everyday life, that I learned the need for gentleness, that I craved another chance--again. 

Two men went up into the temple to pray,

one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. 

The Pharisee stood and was praying this to himself:

‘God, I thank You that I am not like other people: swindlers, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector.  I fast twice a week; I pay tithes of all that I get.’ 

But the tax collector, standing some distance away, was even unwilling to lift up his eyes to heaven,

but was beating his breast, saying, ‘God, be merciful to me, the sinner!’  

I tell you, this man went to his house justified rather than the other; for everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, but he who humbles himself will be exalted.”

Where does a woman find the ability to be gentle, to show mercy and understanding and compassion?

When she understands that her heart is selfish, prone to making bad choices, limited in patience, and just beginning to understand what love requires. Then she understands that she herself is fragile; then she will extend the grace she wishes to others she loves, because they, too, are fragile and want gentleness and mercy.

If a mama understands that her children, like her, are going to make mistakes, have accidents, show the dark heart of sin, she will not condemn them harshly for being so.

Instead, from a heart that knows she does not deserve the grace and love of Jesus, but receives it nonetheless, she will extend her patience and mercy and gentleness to her children to show them the real heart of Jesus.

She will still teach and train and correct as Jesus did, but gentleness and compassion come from a humbled heart.

You see, showing gentleness and mercy comes from a heart that recognizes the need for gentleness and mercy for herself.

 

 

 

Our God is Outside the Box

Jesus was so different that people expected God to be that they had a hard time recognizing him as God. The very leaders who had studied scripture the most, who one would have thought would immediately say, "This is our God," are the very ones who persecuted him,, questioned him and eventually had a hand in having him crucified. Maybe Jesus gave acceptance to our own out of the box  people by being outside of our own human expectations.

Jesus was accused of not being spiritual because he ate and drank and hung round with the unacceptable, ""The Son of Man came eating and drinking, and they say, 'Behold, a gluttonous man and a drunkard, a friend of tax collectors and sinners!' Yet wisdom is vindicated by her deeds." Matthew 11:19

Jesus touched the unacceptable, the lepers, hung around with tax collectors, used the uneducated, common fishermen to lead his movement. Jesus honored women for seeking him in a time when women were put down. He saved an adulterous woman from being stoned, and had a prostitute in his inner circle of friends. He associated with the Samaritans when the Jews considered them below them, of a different religion.

Hebrews 1 tells us that Jesus was, "the exact representation of God," so we know He was living the true values of God.

Jesus honored a Roman centurion and said, "I have not seen greater faith in all of Israel." This was an honor to the man who believed and a little bit of a slight to those who should know him but did not choose to believe.

Jesus even chose a brash, loud, bumbling man to be his "rock." He allowed a man who would betray him into his group of disciples. This God is beyond my imagination, but he is definitely out of the comfort zone of my own life and daily challenges me to look at people and at life, not by human standards, but by His own values. 

Perhaps this is why Jesus was the one who understood my Nathan and other "different" kids--and it was He, God who taught me how to love my very mysterious child. My different little boy always taught me a lot about God being out of the box, just like he was. I have told this story many times.

One cold, snowy winter's day, Nathan, then 14, and a budding philosopher,  was drinking a cup of hot chocolate in our kitchen. He said, "I'm so glad our God is out of the box in our home!"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Well, a lot of people we know act like God is mad or disappointed with us when we are not perfect. I'm even afraid of some of your mama friends and I sometimes feel like I might get in trouble just for being with them."

"It feels to me like lots of people we know think that God is more concerned about a rule to be kept and behavioral standard of quietness and respect to keep--knowing all the rules and keeping them or the right theological answers to give."

"I am so glad the God we believe in is the One who created chili peppers for fajitas, Celtic music to dance to, puppy dogs to be snuggled, jokes for giggling, and stars to be amazed at when we sleep outside to gave on a starlit night. We enjoy Him and celebrate Him in our home and look for his fingertips in creation and his love over all the places of our lives. He is wild and out of the box, we just can't contain him in small places. He is out of the box, just like me."

I was so thankful that is what he perceived in our home--that God was indeed a real person, more than just one who cared about the rules we kept. He was the one who created delight, the fulfillment of thinking great thoughts, the sweetness of learning to show love gently, the fun of giggling uncontrollably.

 We began to focus on Him,—a personal creator-God, filled with infinite ideas of ways to fill our world with things to enjoy beauty to be explored, life to be lived to the fullest. In looking at God, we created  place where Nathan could feel he belonged with all of his bigger-than-life personality, no matter how many questions he asked.

God condemned the pharisees for being men of law and no compassion for the downhearted, the poor, the lame and sick--without a heart for the things that mattered to the true God. They were more concerned about keeping law than loving God or loving and serving people. Their focus was all that was inside the box of life and how to keep it all there--under control.

 Why has my life been so changed by celebrating life with Nathan, my different child, and all the other different ones that are my kids? Because they stretched my faith, taught me life lessons, showed me the inner value of every person I meet.  They taught me to look at God who is out of the box and so much more and bigger than my little mind can comprehend. 

My different kids expressed awe inspiring reverence as at the beauty of a snowflake and delight in the colors and variety of springtime flowers, giggles at our puppy fluffy and soft--and they taught me that these elements express His personality.

 God does not want to be just a thought to know, but a personally engaging friend and Father whose relationship with us is fills us with memory, delight, and moments to be experienced and enjoyed.

Holy--to be set apart, not conforming to the world, but being transformed--by the wild and uncontainable God and following His lead, whatever path it takes.......

 Our family tends to think and live out of the box--we discuss everything and challenge all Christian thought and live wildly, hysterically, celebrating-ly, with feasts and lots of freedom, within the walls of our home. 

 I do love to move beyond the "expectations" and figure out what really is authentic in life, what really matters, how to experience the joy we were designed to know, every day, and to see the God that is not a tame lion--

Hmmmm Jesus pretty much upset those who lived in the box of his day--as a matter of fact, he got crucified for being out of the box, and not fitting in with the "leaders."

When the life of Jesus is in our midst, there is a palpable crackle in the air, a sparkle to the lights and shadows of His dance amongst us.

Imagine--the creator of the universe--the one who played games with galaxies and atoms, romantic love and sunsets--He in our midst.

He did not create us to live in the limitations of ourselves. He came to give life--and life abundantly. The joy of the Lord is to be our strength--and yet--what have the voices of this world done to our joy?

So, I ask you today--are you finding deep fulfillment and a bubbling up of love from deep within because you are resting in, enjoying your God who loves you and loves all of your children including the different ones?

Are you able to rest even with the mysterious ones in your home, without knowing what lies ahead--but able to trust Him who does hold the universe together?

Is there a feeling of heaven meeting earth in your home right where you are today? Are you sensing the pleasure of God as you see the color of a winter sky? The beauty surrounding the moments of your life?

It is only in pursuing Him, the Life that coming into the world, enlightens every man--not rules or laws or formula or morality---but the Person--who has so very much more to offer.

All he asks is for us to leave all behind, and sell all that we have to grasp and hold fast to the pearl of great price who stretches us to live outside the box of human limits, so that we might rest in His greatness.

But, to find Him and to live vibrantly in the reality of His ways and His presence, requires living out of the box of human thought, and into the infinite ways of His true Self.

As C.S. Lewis says, "He is not a tame lion, but He is good."

So, how about your God? In the box or out?

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Kristen and I did not have a chance to do the podcast this week amidst book deadlines, trips to New York and a conference. But we will be back soon.

A favor please? Today is the last day of our launch and we are going to be celebrating the coming out of our book all day.

Would you please consider sharing about it online in your places?

We are hoping to end this great week with a boom so many can find comfort in the words and stories we have shared.

 

 

Nathan and I thank you so much. :) (in New York celebrating last week.)(Thanks for the amazing letters and emails we have been receiving about how much you are enjoying the book. It means so much.)Buy it today and join me for a podcast book club for…

Nathan and I thank you so much. :) (in New York celebrating last week.)

(Thanks for the amazing letters and emails we have been receiving about how much you are enjoying the book. It means so much.)

Buy it today and join me for a podcast book club for how to parent in freedom, love generously, live a sustainable life in the midst and give grace to all who are different in your life. Buy below.

What a Great Launch Week! A Week in Review!

A highlight was that Nathan and I were asked to tell about our book on the Today show with Kathy Lee and Hoda!

What an exciting week this has been for Nathan and me to be able to share our new book, Different, with so many of you. Thanks for the many letters and emails from so many of you. we are so grateful. Here are a few highlights from our week.

Our interview on the Today show. Watch it here.

Nathan's original video about his letter to me about being Different.

Here is the interview of us with our publishers at Tyndale. HERE

 

Because Nathan wanted us to be able to encourage others who had felt different or alone in their lives, he asked me to write this book with him. What a privilege and joy to be able to have worked on this project together. It is our hope that people …

Because Nathan wanted us to be able to encourage others who had felt different or alone in their lives, he asked me to write this book with him. What a privilege and joy to be able to have worked on this project together. It is our hope that people all over the world will know they are not alone in their journey.

We did a facebook live event for 45 minutes and had such a great time answering your questions: Listen to it here: https://www.facebook.com/therealsallyclarkson/videos/10154147085381373/?pnref=story

Friends have been interviewing us on podcasts, doing blog posts, and sharing all over the internet and we are so very grateful. 

We celebrated by going out to dinner at a charming Italian restaurant around the corner from Nathan's apartment on a very rainy, cold evening. I hated to leave him because we have had such a great mama son time together. But i will cherish our memor…

We celebrated by going out to dinner at a charming Italian restaurant around the corner from Nathan's apartment on a very rainy, cold evening. I hated to leave him because we have had such a great mama son time together. But i will cherish our memory together through this week and through writing our message together for a long time. 

Find more about our book and the companion guide HERE

Find more about our book and the companion guide HERE

Happy Weekend to you all! I am excited to be at our first conference in Colorado tonight. 

Happy Reading!

Seeing with the Eyes of God, Loving with the Heart of God

Living in a world that has standards of what is acceptable, what is admirable, what performance is deemed normal puts pressure on us mamas. We feel the pressure to conform to the expectations of others. We even fear, that if our child does not behave perfectly, we may be the one at fault. Maybe we do not have the right philosophy of child training. Maybe we have not been strict enough.

But God designed children to move, imperfectly, from childhood to adulthood, with our coaching, encouragement, training and love. He never intended that we live up to other's arbitrary rules. Each of us is as different as fingerprints are different. Each personality as unique as snowflakes.

Learning to see our children through God's eyes and loving them for who he made them to be brings great freedom and joy. Nathan John. His name meant, blessed and gracious gift of God. And so Nathan has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. God has used him almost as much as anything else in my life to show me His goodness, His ways and His blessings. I just didn't know that he was the tool that God wanted to use to s-t-r-e-t-c-h me so much. Nate has been truly a gift from God, because through him I learned things and understood truth-- things I would never have seen.

Nate has always been dancing, singing, laughing, talking, bigger than life. When others would walk on the sidewalk, Nate would be wandering, running, climbing, up and down the curb, but never in just a straight line--that was not a part of his make-up. He heard the music of a different piper and drummer. He was not ever going to fit into the box--it was not the way He was made--a little like his mother.

With his antics and strong opinions and outspoken ways, some people would say, "This boy needs a stronger hand. You need to spank him more." 

But, harshness never won the day with this child.  

How many times did I hear, you need to control him, you need to be stronger and firmer than he is.

But, I remembered that he was God's gracious gift to us and so we would pray.

I noticed that when I would sit him next to me in my comfy overstuffed chair, by himself, he would talk and talk and talk--at 3 years old he could talk for 45 minutes almost without stopping if I asked him questions--even then he had a lot to say. Oh, I figured out, he is an extravert and needs to have alone, talk time so he can express his heart.

If he was agitated or upset, if I put my arm around his shoulders and touched him or tickle or scratch his back or got down on his level and was gentle and loving, he would settle down and respond to my instruction and love. God used this gracious gift to show me that harshness and over-bearing correction was not the way to his  heart.

I began to see him not through the eyes of my cultural expectations, but as God saw him--a spunky, mysterious, strong child who had a big and passionate heart.

In a speech class, with my two older kids when he was 8, I was expecting my two older to shine, because they were, well, older. But, Nate was already committed to being a hero, started dreaming of being superman in his life time, and when he gave a speech on Audi Murphy, the most decorated soldier of World War II, he blew all of the adults away. "You have a performer on your hands. He was the most believable child who spoke the whole night!" 

(But, how could I have known then that he would become an actor in Hollywood, a movie producer?--Who really thinks his or her child is suited for Hollywood or the movies?)

And so I tucked these things away in my heart. Out of the box from the beginning, I had to rethink my parenting paradigms and ways. I didn't know that he was extremely ADHD, with issues on the spectrum, for some years--I was just trying to figure out his puzzle.

(My mother said, "He is just like you were as a little girl--active, busy, opinionated, always with friends, and you used to lay down on the floor and have screaming fits--you were probably ADHD and we just didn't know it.") 

He questioned everything--and so I learned to see things from his eyes--he was bright and intelligent and helped me to see the world in a less-American, middle of the road, Evangelical eyes, and open my heart to see as Jesus sees--loves people for who they are in their heart--especially in his high school years. 

Nate accepted and loved all sorts of people from all sorts of backgrounds. He did not criticize them for their external failures, but looked for their internal value. A heart as good as gold, always seeing through the hypocrisy of people, he called us to have integrity in our hearts and lives.

He taught me not to care what others thought of me, but to say, what is the real truth in this situation.

We threw all the formulas out the door and learned to live by faith.

He is a pied-piper of sorts and gathers people around him. And so, we learned to broaden our horizons and love those who were also outside of our comfort zone. We had a house full of all sorts of teens in all sorts of phases--because they were Nate's friends and he would bring them all to our home. And we learned to love them all. What a blessing we would have missed!

And these were the years we discovered that Obsessive-Compulsive--in an extreme form--was another mysterious and wonderful way Nate was designed by God. And, so I was to find that it was what had plagued me most of my life.  When I had him tested, I was answering yes to all the same questions. And then found that another of my 4 children was also obsessive-compulsive off the chart. It helped to make more sense of our challenging lives--that their issues were not behavioral, but real issues that I needed to see with God's eyes of wisdom and not my own.

His faith in God grew stronger and stronger over the years as he would overcome many very difficult obstacles in his life.(car accident totaling his car, jobs, peer pressure and some rejection; health, and more.)

 Now, I see, that many of his trials and challenges and difficulties were because God was building him and strengthening him and testing him to become a warrior for Christ.

How can you ever become a general if you are not first faithful as a private. And God knew he was taking Nate to more difficult arenas where he would already have to know what standing strong in a difficult world would be? God's eyes saw that Nate would be in acting, and God gave him a personality to imagine great stories, a heart that didn't live to please people, a bigger than life personality because he had a different story to live.

Through being his mama, I have learned to see others through the eyes of God, to look at their heart, to seek to see their God-crafted beauty of personality and dreams, rather than judging them by performance or perfect behavior. We all need grace.

And now, I am thankful that God sees me through His own values of loving me, redeeming me, showing compassion to me, providing for me, because I am His own child, as Nathan is mine. And He has given up everything to show me His love and to grant me redemption.

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Nathan and I shared real life stories in our new book from struggles to stages to heartbreak and triumphs. I hope the stories will make you feel at home with your own life through the story of ours.

Buy at the stores listed on this page: 

Buy at the stores listed on this page

Thanks so much for encouraging Nathan and me this week with your support of our new book, Different. You are the best of friends. We appreciate you helping us get the word out to your friends. Thank you so very much for your love and support. 

 

Breathe Free From Guilt

I'm so excited to be sharing with you about Different, the new book by Nathan and me, which is launching this week! In it, we are sharing our own true life stories which we hope will encourage you as you're parenting your own different children.  Here's a little more of my own story--and be sure to read Nathan's post, here!

Sally: At the beautiful restaurant Clay had chosen, we all made it through the buffet line. We intentionally picked a table in the far corner of the room, as far from the crowded center as possible. I had wrestled Nathan in my arms through the whole line and to our seats, hoping that food would appease him for just a few short minutes so I could gobble down my food.

But just as we all sat down at our table and began to eat, Nathan slid down from his chair to the floor, stretched out to his full little-boy length, and began to scream and yell and throw food. I tried to soothe him and placate him, but he lunged out to strike me.

That did it.

I got to my feet and walked away, leaving my toddler screaming and kicking on the floor. I hoped that somehow Clay and his mother, who had joined us, would find the heart to stay with him, because I couldn’t. Exhausted and frazzled, having spent every ounce of patience I could muster, I could find nothing inside to deal with him at that moment.

I was wasted from the embarrassment of everyone watching and whispering and pointing. After giving, loving, trying hour after hour (and day after day) to figure out something that would appease this little boy, I had reached what felt like the end of my rope.

And yes, I felt guilty. Guilty for leaving him, for leaving Clay and my mother-in-law to deal with him, definitely guilty for leaving his brother and sister quietly eating at the table and pretending they did not see what was going on. But at that moment I had no intention of going back. I had served, loved, held, comforted, run after, placated to the end of my strength. Somehow they would all have to cope without me.

I casually walked across the room to the bakery counter, where elegantly frosted cakes and delectable pies filled the racks. Though I was seething with frustration, I put on a calm front, studying the baked goods as if planning a purchase. It was my way of hiding from all the faces, the dirty looks, the insecurity I was feeling at that moment. Whisper- praying that I would be able to settle down, I tried to regain control over my raging emotions.

As I stood there, Nathan’s screams still permeating the room, an elderly man who was attending to customers at the bakery display looked at me, not knowing I was the child’s mother. “That boy needs a strong hand!” he said in a booming Texan drawl.

I shook my head in agreement, looking over at my family as if I didn’t know them. But inside I was thinking, I don’t know what he needs, but he needs something I cannot give right now.

Have you ever felt like a failure as a mama? Like you couldn't keep going? I have. But as I look back over the years, I realized that this role of mine, to shepherd my sweet boy towards a sustainable life, to become mature one step at a time, was fraught with disappointments, difficulties, and yes, failures to understand and know how to cope in all situations.

One of the most important lessons I learned, though, was that I could not carry guilt every day for the ways I had failed. It would crush me. I learned, instead, to see my life as a journey towards wisdom, a pathway to maturity a little step at a time. I gave my false expectations to God and learned to unload my pressures and stresses into His hands so that I did not always feel like a failure. It is essential that as we walk by faith down this very challenging journey that we live free from guilt.

Paul reminds us that "There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus."

We need to live in the grace given so generously by Jesus.

 Even as our different children must learn to grow stronger one day at a time, so we as God's children must learn the grace we have to grow through the journey one step at a time.   

It took a long time before we finally had names for some of Nathan’s differences. Actually, what we eventually had were letters that described clinical disorders and a form of medically diagnosable mental illness.

Added to this alphabet soup were some learning issues, some personality quirks, a strong will, plus a number of characteristics that have some qualities of autism and even now defy our understanding.

And eventually we did find some help and support to add to the many things we learned through trial and error and love and listening—and lots and lots of grace.

We also learned, through the same trial and error and grace, to hold fast to what our hearts insisted (at least in quiet moments), 

 Our boy was not a diagnosis. Not a problem to be solved or a disorder to be fixed. He was a child to be guided and trained and gloried in.

And Nathan’s differences—yes, even the ones that sometimes exasperated him and us—were, like Nathan himself, also part of the gift he is to the world and to us as his family.

Today Nathan is twenty-seven, and I can honestly say he is one of my closest, dearest friends. There is almost no one I would rather talk to, and few understand my dreams, thoughts, ideals, and struggles the way he does. I learn so much when we collaborate on projects together, as he is a constant source of ideas and mental stimulation for me.

But as far as we know to this date, he will carry his issues with him his whole life, and we as a family will continue to learn more each year about how to love him better, how to adjust to his unique needs, and how to walk with him through his story more graciously.

Today, learn to give your burdens into the hands of God and live in the grace He wants to give to you to breathe free from guilt.

Support this book's message by getting one for yourself or your friend so that we can reach those who need to know that they are not alone, and that they do not have to live in defeat with those who are different in their lives. 

 

 

The Different Mama's Manifesto

Different children come to us in all sorts of shapes, sizes, issues, personalities and genders. I must confess that I struggled with all of my children in different ways. But at some point, I finally had to realize that I needed to make peace with my precious children and the puzzle I was given to figure out with my own different ones. 

Today (Tuesday) is launch day for Nathan and me with our book Different. We truly hope your heart will be encouraged and your faith strengthened to know that you are the mom that is right for your child. I penned my thoughts in a journal and these words helped me walk one day at a time to, by faith, be the best mama I could be for my sweet children--and to watch how amazingly God showed me His generous faithfulness beyond what I could imagine.

Join us Tuesday morning on Kathy Lee and Hoda on the Today show, on NBC to hear Nathan and me discuss our book.

TUESDAY NIGHT, WE WOULD LOVE FOR YOU TO JOIN US ON FACEBOOK LIVE TO TELL YOU ALL ABOUT OUR TIME THERE, TO ASK NATHAN AND ME QUESTIONS AND TO CELEBRATE OUR BOOK AND MESSAGE WITH YOU. WE WILL GIVE AWAY 10 BOOK SETS--THE BOOK AND THE STUDY GUIDE--AND 2 CONFERENCE TICKETS TO RENEW MY HEART CONFERENCE. HOPE YOU ARE THERE AND I HOPE YOU WIN!

BUY DIFFERENT AT YOUR FAVORITE BOOKSTORE AS LISTED AT thedifferentbook.com

Thanks so much for all the encouragement and for all who have helped us spread the word. Nathan and I are soooo thankful for you. 

Patience & Love Win the Day & a New Podcast & LAUNCH WEEK! :)

My Wonderful Nathan with me on a hike in our beloved mountains.

My Wonderful Nathan with me on a hike in our beloved mountains.

Today begins Launch Week of our new book, Different. We are so very excited to share our story with you. We hope and pray it will bring courage, comfort, vision and faith to all of you precious ones who are in the trenches of life. Here is a post and video about my sweet Nathan and me, when he wrote me an email to say my love and work all mattered! Be encouraged, sweet friend, that today, your love and patience is making a difference..

Desperate was the word that captured my feelings as a young mom of three under five years old.

Becoming a mom at 31, I did absolutely adore my precious children, but I was exhausted every day, never quite on top of the messes, sleep deprived and often short tempered. For a few years, I gingerly held life together, but seemed to become more weary and exhausted each passing day.

When my third child, Nathan, was born, he appeared perfect. An easy delivery, he slept through the night immediately and I thought, “This is going to be an easy-going baby!”

That lasted for three days.

From that moment on, he was absolutely unpredictable. He did not sleep through the night until he was 4 ½. When I would try to put him to sleep at nights, even as an infant, he would arch his back and scream and yell for thirty minutes.

From time to time, he was that child in a restaurant who would throw a chicken leg across the room, lay on the floor and kick and scream.

No!” was his favorite word when Nathan was five years old. As the third child and second boy, it seemed he had to do something every day to get attention to be sure he was not overlooked.

What am I supposed to do with a child like this?” I prayed every day.

I felt torn between loving my children and feeling inadequate and frustrated most days.

One day, I sat down in total defeat, a sense of darkness hovering over my soul, and wondering what I was doing wrong, I opened my Bible and read…

“Children are a blessing from God, the fruit of the womb is a reward.

Slowly over the next days, as this verse began to capture my imagination, I began to ask God to show me my children from his eyes and to help me to know just how I was supposed to mother them.

Little by little, I fell in love with each child, and began to understand their unique personalities. Working diligently on patience, gentleness and giving them encouragement through thoughtful words, I began to see that I was changing and growing in my ability to manage and give grace to my children. But they were also changing, too. Slowly, they became more delightful, and more responsive.

God lives in my home, but sometimes I ignore Him and don’t hear the music He is playing just for me. This journey of mothering is a challenging marathon of moments, hours, days, months, years, and decades. And yet, in each moment, God has sprinkled across our paths beauty, love, and joy. We have only to cultivate eyes in our hearts to observe this Artist’s work of life.

A few years ago, I got a surprise email from Nathan, that encouraged me to the depth of my toes.  

Hey, sweet Mom,

I just wanted to take a moment and thank you from the bottom of my heart for living the kind of life you led. I realize now I really did have the best mom in the world.

I never knew how much it would mean, that in the mornings as we spent time reading the Bible together,  how much those words would guide me as an adult. You always believed in me and gave me a vision for living my life to the fullest. Spending time being my friend when I know you had a zillion things to do meant more than you will ever know. 

It was the feasts–every night, no matter what we ate, candle light and music and talking and talking.

Saturday night pizza and movie nights.

Bedtime rituals every night with back scratches and stories and one mama song

Washing dishes to Christian rock music to make it easier

Taking me into your room with hot chocolate and mama Nathan times to tell me how special I was.

More things than I can count, but, Mama, I always thought our home was the best in all the world place to be and you made it that way be being an artist of life.  

As I am here in Hollywood, I see so many prodigals, searching, lost and hurting, because most of them have little support or love from home. I can’t tell you how honored I am to call you my mom. The work of moms really makes a difference!

But honestly the most amazing thing to me is the 30+ years you have given your life to serving God, by taking the time to serve all of us. I am so blessed to have you, and the work of your hands will pay off forever in HUGE ways. 

Thanks for choosing the hard path of raising me, and putting up with all my “things”, and loving us enough to give up your whole life.

Love you, mama, you are the best!

Nathan

I cling to this letter to remember that somehow, God took my faith and imperfect efforts to love and raise Nathan to be strong and healthy, and by His grace, He worked beyond what I could ask or think. Stay faithful, sweet mama. Your labor is not in vain. 

Being an intentional mom has stretched me and challenged me more than I ever imagined, but the deep rewards of seeing my adult children become my best friends and watching them flourish, has been more fulfilling than I could possibly have ever known. I pray you will find companionship with us as you read our book.

There are three ways you can join us on Tuesday, our official launch day.

1. Buy the book and buy one for your friends. :) 

2. Join me and Nathan, live, on the Today Show with Kathy Lee and Hoda.

3. Join Nathan and me on Facebook live on Tuesday evening at 9 Eastern, 8 Central, 7 Mountain, 6 Pacific. Leave your questions in the comments below to tell us what you would like us to talk about. And we will tell you all about our experience of being on the Today Show. Gather your friends, make it a party!

All of you wonderful friends have greatly encouraged us on this journey. Thanks so very much for sharing our book, our story, for leaving comments. You are our heroes. Much love and appreciation to all of you!

 

 

 

Nathan Discovering His Passion & Living His Dreams in New York City

But as for me, I will hope continually, And will praise You yet more and more,My mouth shall tell of your righteousness and of your salvation all day long. Psalm 71 14-15

Often, when we have different children, we pray about their future while looking at their disabilities. And yet, often, not always, God wants us to look at His strength and ability to surprise us. 

How did I let my 19 year old boy, with all of his issues, move to New York City to attend New York Film Academy? Well, that could fill a book. But i wanted to share this article of how God allowed us to step out in faith, even with many fears, because Nathan said,

"Mama, what if a wrestler trained his whole life and was never allowed an opportunity to get into the ring to test his strength?"

Long story short, for background, Nathan prayed for 2 years to be able to do something in the acting industry. We thought it was like praying to be the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys. The end of the long story, is in our book, Different, but he ended up getting a partial scholarship to New York Film Academy and begged for the opportunity to go attend. Below is part of the story:

I do not recommend anyone using our story as a model of the decisions you should make, but I do want you to know that i am watching God surprise me every day as I see how He is using Nathan in his world.

Each of us has to live by faith in the story God is working through our own lives.

But without faith, we are doomed to live a life that is dependent on our own human strength.

 I pray for all of you sweet ones who have written to me the past couple of weeks. May God give you strength, faith, perseverance and hope for all the puzzle pieces of your life. He is more trustworthy than we can imagine. This from 9 years ago when he was 19.

This is more like a chapter from a book--I will shorten my blog posts soon! :)

********

August, 2008

I just got home at midnight last night and am hitting the ground running, but just had to record a little of the story of what the Lord did. There are times in your life when you pray and pray and wonder if God has heard because you don't necessarily see the results. Then there are times when he parts the Red Sea and you see that He is listening and that He must have heard your other prayers, too, so you have to keep waiting and believe in His goodness. Well, last week was a part the Red Sea time! I will try to make a very long story short.

To start out with, I have to tell you that I had been praying every day for God to provide Nate Christian roomies in New York City. Also, he had been praying for a kindred spirit--spiritually speaking--for two years!  He said not one of his friends that he hung around with was really as idealistic and spiritually connected and artistic and he had longed for some friends who had his values--but Nathan is an extrovert, pied piper sort of guy, out of the box and his besties had all gone away to college after high school. He would always have friends, but at that moment, none who could lift him up and hold him accountable--just our family.

Eight days ago, on Sunday morning, after I had spoken all weekend in Montreal, and was already exhausted, I caught a plane to NY City to meet Clay and Nathan who had flown overnight on the cheap flight and met me so we could ride in a cab together. We had 2 nights in a Holiday Inn Express with free points from our travels. After checking into the hotel, (kinda a less than beautiful area--industrial looking--in a part of Brooklyn). We immediately went, on foot and subway, to meet Nate's new roommate and look at his apartment. When we arrived at his street, I thought, "Wow, this looks desolate, can't imagine Nate coming home to this every day tired from school and feeling ok." But, didn't want to be a wet blanket, so put a positive spin on it. There were bars on all the windows. He was OCD and this was not the cleanest place on the outside.

His room mate was looking out the window for us and waved us in. The apartment inside was surprisingly nice--newly repainted and clean looking. Though small, it looked like it might work. Then when his friend showed us around, we realized it was a three bedroom--each room small but with their own closet. The fourth room--which was supposed to be Nate's, had no closet, had two walls of windows--one into the living room and one into the street--(it was really a porch) and no closet and no light. It was about 6'by 8'. Nate couldn't even lay down on the floor-- as the room was too short for him. (He is almost 6-4) So, the guy immediately said, "Hey, dude, we will charge you$100 less for taking this room." ???????

Clay and I glanced at each other, and didn't say anything, but we knew we would have plenty to say in privacy. (Nathan had a mini-piano and recording-computer set up that he had to have a desk for for his writing and composing and desk work--but they said he could just hang his clothes in the living room and put his desk by the kitchen.

We left the apartment and all of us knew that it wouldn't work for him.  Here we were, New York, 15 million people and no place for Nathan to live. So began the search, on foot--no car. We spent hours and hours traipsing all overthe broader New York city. Wemet with people at his school and used their computers to search out leads, we walked miles and miles and saw places that were in ghettos and dangerous places--but these were in our price range. By Tuesday night, Clay and I were quickly coming to the conclusion that we would just have to bring Nate back home and let him start back in January to give us time to help him. That was when it occurred to me that we had not enlisted prayer support about this. So we contacted our children and told them to pray and I emailed some others and sent out the SOS on this blog.

It was amazing to me to again realize that much of the love we feel from God will be through the body of Christ and if we are cut off from them, we will feel less of His love. Now the next part is difficult to explain, but I will try.

We started receiving emails from people from all over and several said to look at the Redeemer church bulletin board for an apartment or a roommate. We were all three on our computers and cell phones following up every lead. Clay called a number for one of the apartments and a girl answered the phone and said, "Hi, Mark." Clay said, "I am not Mark."

The girl then responded and said, "Oh, my friend Mark has your same area code and he just moved here, too." So she told us his name and that he was also looking for a roommate. I thought, maybe this guy is it! So we got his number and made a lunch appointment with him the next day. At dinner that night, Clay told me the man's whole name and I said, "that sounds so familiar, but I can't figure out why. Then, I remembered that a sweet friend who had been in a small Bible study I was teaching on Mission of Motherhood to some pastor's wives, had texted me on my phone the weekend before. I looked at my text and saw that it was the same man, and she had said, "He is a wonderful Christian leader and you should look him up in New York City. Sweet man, but not the guy for Nate as his plans were indefinite--another closed door, I thought.

So by early Wednesday morning, I was a little blue and thought to myself and to the Lord, "It always seems like we have to do things the hard way. I am tired, Lord, and I know you want me to believe in your goodness, but it would be so wonderful if you would work on our behalf to show Nathan as he enters this city and this era of His life that you are in control.

So I read in my quiet time and was greatly encouraged by several passages which I will share in the next letter. But I was impressed by the Lord to tell Him what I wish we could find for Nathan even if everyone else told us it was impossible.

(I had hoped he could live in Manhattan where it seemed a little safer, and was closer by subway to his school, I also asked that it be esthetically pleasing--a nice looking neighborhood and a nice looking place to go as I already knew that the culture and the noise and the lines and the busy-ness would slowly deplete Nathan and I just wanted him to have a little haven to come home to--even if it was small.  Finally, I wanted him to have godly roommates and support systems.) We had met many nay-sayers who told us Manhattan was absolutely out because of the price, and we should expect to pay at least 900-1000 a month for a room and not to be discouraged by what it looked like.

So, I met with Nate and told him that "Daddy and I can't just leave you here without seeing God work and provide you with some stability." He was open to us but said he hoped in His heart to see God open doors because He had done so much to get him this far.

Meanwhile,  Markhad talked to theother girl who was trying to gather a group of believers to all live in an apartment house together, and told the girl that Nate was a great guy--to be trusted--and so the next morningafter we prayed and had begun to get encouraging emails from people from all over, Nate received a short text from the girl and she said, just thought of something that might help--look at this website and see if you find something. I had just read to Nate the passage about not hiding the lamp on the hill, but letting it shine for all to see and that I thought he should put out an advertisement on these boards for Christian roomates, not just a roommate. When he looked at the bulletin board, there was a standout advertisement, "Two Chritian roomates looking for a third."

We called him immediately and he told Nate all about the place to look up the pictures online--the apartment looked almost too good to be true--newly painted, tile entrance, three bedrooms with windows, a living room and separate small kitchen--now these were things that not all apartments had! And it was pretty from the outside on a normal block that looked out over a beautiful park--now these were all just pictures--and he said the rent would be $500 for each guy--we couldn't believe it--sounded too good to be true--and it was in Manhattan! Then the guy said, "Hope you don't mind, but I need to meet you since we don't really know each other--I need to tell you a little about us and be sure we all fit together!"

So, Nathan went to meet the guy by himself in Central Park. I wondered if a young man could get mugged in the middle of the day--of course my imagination went to the worst place. About thirty minutes later, we got an excited call from Nathan. He said, "You won't believe it, but, not only is this guy a strong Christian, he also attended Masterworks festival this summer (a 4 week Christian arts symposium to encourage musicians, actors, in their Christian faith) and he knows Joel! (Our 21 year old son who had just returned from there!) And he wanted to meet because he and his roommate had standards--no drinking, smoking and no girls overnight--he said they had a commitment to Christ he wanted to uphold and that if I couldn't agree to that, maybe we wouldn't be a good fit!"

Now, we are talking about a needle in the haystack--out of millions of people, the chances that these two would become roommates, find such a great apartment and end up exactly where we had been praying for, was beyond amazing for us! But it doesn't end there.

Even though the boys didn't have the apartment totally secured, (they had to meet with a board from the apartment building Thursday night to be approved), we had to go find Nate furniture and stuff to fill an unfurnished apartment. Nate needed a cheap place, a place to shop where we could put together an apartment for him on a budget and all on foot as we couldn't even imagine using a car there with all the crazy traffic. We walked many  miles that we had to cover finding furniture and utensils and no parking anywhere. So we took the subway to a bus which took us to an IKEA--a Swedish furniture warehouse with economic options--though it comes in kits that you have to build yourself!

We spent 7 hours there trying to find bargains and it had to be delivered the next day to his apartment if we were going to help him put it all together--as they did not deliver on a holiday weekend! So we had to pay for delivery to an apartment that we had never seen to live with boys we had never met and that was still waiting to be approved. We just made sure we could stop the delivery if it didn't go through--though we had no idea what we were going to do with a truck load of stuff and no place to put it!

Meanwhile, Clay and I had moved for our third time. (Did I mention that each of our bags weighed 50 pounds as we had stuff in it for Nate and that it was over 100 degrees?) Our third move was into a lovely little home for people in ministry that had rooms to rent inexpensively.  But did not have air conditioning, no elevator and no internet! So, after lugging these suitcases for 6 days and walking all over the city and helping Nate, we were pretty tired.

But we all took one more breath as we had to meet the next day, if the boys were approved, at 9:30. We took the subway, found the building--and were so encouraged, met the first roommate and within 5 minutes, the door bell rang with all of Nathan's stuff. So we climbed the 5 stairwells countless times to help, I went to a local grocery store while the Clay and Nate were putting his bed furniture together and lugged 6 more bags of groceries on foot to his apartment. (I called them to help me take it up the stairs--I am not that noble!)

Clay and I went back to our rooms, left Nate to stay in the apartment alone that night as his roomies had not arrived.  We showered after sweating all day in the 100 degree weather walking for miles and went to see Mary Poppins on Broadway. This was to have been our week of having time alone as a couple for a few days to celebrate our 25th anniversary two years late--but instead we made some great memories with Nate and fell into bed exhausted each night.

Clay and I did have a lot of fun going to the show and spending most of the next day together and then a nice dinner. Sunday, we met Nate after Church (he had gone with one of his roomies.) When we sat down at a cupcake bakery to have some time alone with him, he said, "You won't believe the story of my third roommate. He grew up in Wichita Falls and knows the Clays (dear friends of ours who used to be on our ministry board.) And he was also homeschooled."

My mind started clicking and I said, "Well, Nate, then he must know this other young man, who also studied music in Boston and was homeschooled and grew up in Texas. I then told him the name of my very dear friend's son, and Nate looked at me very surprised and said, "Mom, that is his name!" Nathan was going to be a roommate with a friend who I had known for ten years and had prayed for!

I had stayed at the home of this young man ten years ago when I had been invited by his mother to speak to their support group. She then became my friend, even spoke at my conference, sent me emails to keep me posted on her children--and I had been praying for her son--and didn't realize he had moved to New York--and this young man who is a believer was going to be Nathan's roommate! Within a few minutes of him telling me this, my phone rang and my friend was on the phone with the same amazement as me! "Sally, we have been praying all week for Matt to find a great apartment at a good price and to find a really good third roommate who was a Christian!"

So I picture heaven getting all these prayer requests from different people all over the US and a prayer coordinator putting them all together to come up with a suitable miracle for all of us! To see how, out of all the millions of people that there are in New Yorkand to even end up with friends--with less than one per cent apartment availability and to see God direct us together to a good apartment at a good price truly had Clay and me in awe. The Lord must have Nate there for a reason to so validate his prayers and faith in this personal way!

We spent several hours yesterday morning reconnecting with an old friend of Clay's from high school and college who had moved to Broadway to work in the musical-acting industry with his family--a wonderful, very spiritually committed man, and he and Nate connected and now Nate will even have a family to connect with regularly!

So, we had a different week than we thought we were going to have, but to be a part of God's miracle for our son as he is building his faith was a blessing--but I have to tell you that being in my home in Monument this morning gives me new eyes to appreciate all that I have--quietness! A mansion compared to the very small housing options available in New York, a place to belong and my own bed!

I have to say, that indeed, my mouth will speak of the great things my precious Lord has done! Thanks for praying for us! When we had your support we began to see the Lord work! Now onward to life!

Sally

For more of the story, read Different.

What to do with the Child Who Doesn't Fit In & the Ones that Push Your Buttons

Family Day--We haven't missed one in 32 years! My button-pushing, out of the box kids.

Family Day--We haven't missed one in 32 years! My button-pushing, out of the box kids.

A long article, but one day I sat down and wrote my best advice to some friends who asked me to give input for out of the box kids--two years ago, before we wrote the book. Maybe my journey will encourage you. 

My 4--one adhd, ocd, odd; three compulsive ocd children, one obsessively fearful child, two introverts, two extraverts, two very driven and orderly, two out of the box, totally non-conformist. Two somewhat compliant, two who questioned everything I said and did. One actor-producer; one full time writer (books, blogs), one debater and trainer-leader; one dreamer and musical composer. (Aren't they cute?)

I am no expert, except on my own journey as a mom of such different children, who did not all fit the box of the norm--whatever that is!

Take a deep breath--it is a long journey, this motherhood call. Yet, it will be the making of your faith and character and will shape the character of the next generation.

No two alike--yet now I see that God created all of them to have different dreams, different work, different calls on their lives--yet all are so deeply connected with invisible threads that make them undeniably Clarkson's, fiercely loyal and best of friends.

There were times when I thought God had pushed me just too far

I had learning issues to deal with, differing personalities, behavioral issues and just did not think I was a natural mom. I did love my kids a lot, but often felt over my head.  Yet, now these many years later, it is easy to read back and see why the kids were so different and why God gave me out of the box kids. 

And even, in spite of some of their challenges, they were able to become healthy adults, though at least 2 still deal on a daily basis with their long term issues, and always will. Many adults have hidden medical, mental and emotional issues that are not evident on the surface because they have learned to cope in a healthy way with their own puzzles. Often they hide mental illness or learning issues because they wanted to be understood, and understanding often came from learning to fit in.

I believe it was the culture of freedom, grace, faith we engaged in through our home culture, that God must have known what He was doing to give me such children. Slowly, I came to a philosophy of believing in dreams, the unique design of God on their lives, and avoiding competition or comparison amongst my children. I searched for who they were inside where their hearts beat with passions, interests, loves in life and that helped them to become healthy adults. As a young mama, I did not know or understand all of the letters that represent problematic issues with children (Add, Adhd, odd, ocd, mental illness, etc.) and yet,  eventually, I could see that several of my children had some unusual, out of the box issues.

In a moment of frustration, my mother said, "Well, you are just getting what you deserve. What goes around comes around, because you were the child who would lay on the floor and throw fits if you didn't get your way. You threw a fit when your brothers got guns and holsters and all you got was a doll. You threw your doll across the room, wrestled down your brother and almost undressed him when you tried to confiscate his gun and holster."

That didn't help.  I just didn't know how to handle one of my children until I learned his cues, but had no helpful or informative input. But learn I did and little by little we made it all the way through childhood alive! There are some basic tenets of Biblical design that helped me free my children to be themselves.

1. I believed that God had crafted them uniquely by design to fulfill a calling on their lives.  Their very different personalities would eventually show me why they were so different and what they were made to do. Sarah was reading books hundreds of pages long when she was 6.  Joel was harmonizing when he was 3. Nathan just couldn't do math--or grammar rules but was writing stories 100 pages when he was 12, if he dictated them to me, as he couldn't spell, either.  Always, Nathan wanted to have  his own way and do things that he had thought up in his brain.  (my creative inventor). Slowly, slowly, I taught him to choose to submit his strong will to Clay and me so that we could train his character, his values, his decisions.  Then there was Joy. Talking and questioning me from the day she was born who  is ended up in college with a debate scholarship  :O)

I learned to just love the unique people God had formed inside of me,  when He crafted my children for a specific purpose.

Now, Sarah has become a writer, finishing her degree at Oxford, and she is still reading hundreds of books. Joel is a composer, still singing,  working on film and television scores, producing his own original music.. Nathan is dreamed his own way through Hollywood--launching his first film under incredibly difficult circumstances. Joy entered college at 17, is on a debate scholarship--and is still questioning all issues, but now I can see it was a gift, not a detriment. Now she is getting her masters in theology at St. Andrews--all those questions are still bubbling up, but now they are focussed on bigger issues, perhaps to fulfill her long term work.

And the others had some interesting issues--but each required unique wisdom to understand their motivations and hearts and limitations, so that I could parent them according to their own bent. Study your children and pray for insight.

DON'T NEGATIVELY JUDGE A PERSONALITY, EVEN IF IT IS DIFFERENT THAN YOURS. GOD MADE YOUR CHILD THAT WAY FOR THE WORK HE OR SHE WILL SOME DAY ACCOMPLISH.

The Whole Gang at picnic in the mountains!

The Whole Gang at picnic in the mountains!

 

Out of the box kids may be in the box of God's plans.

Six Ways that helped give me grace with my "different" children

1.  I looked for my children's unique personality traits. I tried to understand them when they struggled with our training or discipline to figure out how to speak to the heart of the personality God had given them and asked for insight into these differences that seemed to create stress in our relationship.

 I have seen so many children rebel when they were forced to live within the parameters of conformity and legalism and when their parents tried to control them as young adults instead of setting them free to exercise their own spiritual, emotional and mental muscle.

Pressure to conform turns a child away from the heart of God, because a child is made to know the acceptance God has for them--as He made them the way they are. I am not speaking of not disciplining or training your child, but of making sure  parenting is not working against the very way God made them to "tick," so to speak.

2. Don't try to train a child with learning issues or mental or emotional issues through harsh discipline or by using guilt. If a child has poor vision, you could not make him able to see by spanking him. He just needs glasses. A mentally ill child also needs medical help.

In other words, accept the limitations of their disabilities and learning issues. And children with medical or learning issues may require more of you their whole lives—it may never be easy. It is a part of the puzzle God has asked you to live by faith and grace. 

Read and inform yourself the best you can about any issues your child is exhibiting. I researched all sorts of material on OCD and educated myself on what caused it, how to recognize it, how to deal with it when it was severe, (and yes, a couple of my children struggle with it excessively, clinically and will probably forever.)

I received some very idiotic advice from some people who were uneducated and were not knowledgeable about my children's issues, and learned discernment of how to throw out the foolish input I received. (""You just need to spank your child more," was heard many times. But that would never change the brain structure of my children with learning disabilities--it would just make them angry and frustrated.)

I was advised that all children who struggled with mental illness were possibly demon possessed, from one friend. (Does that mean that children who can't hear well or see well or have an illness are also demon possessed because they have a physical weakness?! of course not.) So be careful of who you choose to advise you--there are all sorts of opinionated people who offer no wisdom or insight at all.

3. Make the issues you "stand strong on" with your children Biblical principles. (fruit of the spirit training, telling the truth, learning to respect others, practicing wisdom) and not external rules of behavior. 

In other words, focus on the heart issues, not the external issues.  Your child may choose a different style of clothing, or like different artists in music or have a different sense of humor or be quieter than you--but that does not make their personality wrong--just different.

Enforce the non-negotiables and accept the gray areas that are a matter of taste and personality, but are not an issue of righteousness. (I remember that in some circles I was surrounded by, any young man who wore a necklace was condemned outright--or a girl who wore 2 earrings on one ear, or tattoos, or rock music or clothing--how long, how modest, etc. I have found that if you are cultivating the inside standards of heart, the outside usually conforms to acceptable behavior. But parents may lose the trust of their children if they focus on external man-made rules as the Pharisees did, instead of looking at the character of their children.) 

Your children will probably be different, in some ways, than some of your values because they are of a different generation and may have differing personalities. Don't expect your children to confirm to cookie cutter proportions--no two children are alike.

4. If you have a very difficult child, or one so different than your personality that it is an issue daily, be sure to get some breaks for yourself. Fill your own heart with friends who love and accept you and understand you. Take time to have un-pressured time away from the "always problematic child" so that you can gain perspective and also so you can maintain your commitment to love the child.  Grow in patience. It is a work of life. Refueling is essential, so we can continue to be gracious mamas.  Some children are difficult for many, many years, but they will mature and respond in time. Don't feel guilty if you need a little break from your children to gain perspective and to restore.

The pieces of my personal puzzle: Joy, Sarah, Thomas, (Sarah's husband), Nathan, Joel, Clay and me.

The pieces of my personal puzzle: Joy, Sarah, Thomas, (Sarah's husband), Nathan, Joel, Clay and me.

 

5. Remember that God loves you. He has not made a mistake. He has not trusted you with more than you can handle. 

He will give grace, but it is usually one step at a time. 

My most difficult children are the ones who have given me the most relevant examples in m ministry to help other parents have wisdom in their own lives. If I had not struggled with my children and their issues, I would have never developed compassion with other normal mamas. The very problems and burdens drove me to God and to seek out more wisdom. He sees, He understands, He will lead, and he can open the hearts of our children in His time to cause them to respond to us and to help us to learn to respond in love to them.

6. Extend grace for gender. Boys have testosterone -and may be louder and more active, though that does not mean they are ADHD. But my girls are wonderful spiritual warriors, and very strong in personality and strong-minded, as well and great thinkers and teachers. Girls' hormones pre-dispose them to be mothers and nurturers—but boys can also be used by God to be gentle and practical--some male nurses are the most strategic in hospitals. 

Don’t live by limiting paradigms that are not truly Biblical. God is a God of variety and diversity. He is the one who made zebras and peacocks and mice and elephants--let us not prejudice ourselves by false standards of what our children can and cannot do, because of arbitrary cultural definitions. 

God made men who were artisans for the temple and woman who saved a battle by  cutting off the head of a king, because the men were cowards; men who were great warriors and women who influenced historical decisions--Esther.  Just use wisdom as God slowly reveals the design of your child and guide him with wisdom and faith.

Extend grace for age--don't be too hard on your first child, or micro-manage them. This can create problems in children when they are older.  Sometimes young mothers are so eager to teach their children, when the children are not able to respond to the undue pressure,  they suppose there are learning issues or behavioral issues with their children, when their children are perfectly normal, but under too much pressure to "behave a certain way" before they are able. Sometimes when young children are pushed too early, they react out of defense and then behavioral problems develop--especially in boys, who often want to run and play, as science tells us that sometimes their testosterone washed brains take a little longer to develop hand eye skills and sitting still skills . 

Don't try to force your 3 year old to sit still to homeschool, unless they are the 25 percent who love to sit and write or draw---give them room to breathe, to grow up into maturity, to play, to pretend, to develop imagination and vocabulary because you are reading great stories and talking to them.

We tend to rush our children when they are small instead of letting them be age appropriate in their behavior. Give them time and space to grow and to mature--it is a slow process for all of us. (As Clay once said to me, "How old were you when you quit sinning?!) Obviously I was expecting my children to be more perfect than I had ever been. Too much pressure and guilt creates misbehavior and rebellion.

So much more to say, but these are a few thoughts to answer some questions I have received. I pray it helps and pray for you mamas trying to figure it all out! 

It is our sanctification and our humbling to raise the children God uniquely gives to us. It is  also our gift that God uses to shape us in the direction of His love and wisdom. God will give you understanding to be able to act wisely with your out of the box kids. May God give you the ability to breathe and to find freedom and grace for each of your days, and may you know you are not alone.

Hope you and your friends will gather for a party and join Nathan and me celebrating our book launch!

Hope you and your friends will gather for a party and join Nathan and me celebrating our book launch!