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Lily, my little 2 year old granddaughter, wants the gift of my friendship and companionship!
As I was packing my bags, getting ready to go back to America, my precious little granddaughter, Lily, came to my bag and pulled out two of my scarves. She then pointed to my little black hat on the book shelf. I took it down and gave it to her when she gingerly placed it on top of my head. She ran to her room and brought a bright pink sun hat that I had given to her. Next, she gave one scarf to me and took one and tried to pull it around her neck.
In every way, she was saying, “Let’s be friends. Let’s dress alike. I want to be with you. I want to be like you.”
My heart melted. Eventually she took my hand and gently pulled me outside for a walk, which we had been taking most days I was with her. She already had memory pathways of how we spent our times in relationship to one another.
I was reminded that we are the first friends our children will learn love from—and even as a grandmother, I am communicating to Lilian that she is worth my time, attention, serving and love.
Babies come out of the womb hoping for our love, wanting to be close, moving toward deep and abiding friendship they hope and long for to have for the rest of their lives.
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Now, I see the fruit of a life lived loving the best I knew how, because the experience I share with my own four adult children is deeply satisfying, supportive, encouraging and gives life to me every day. True excitement and happiness literally covers me over when I see the name of one of my children light up at the ring of my cell phone. I have a very busy life but I live for those stolen moments when we get to share time, conversation, friendship with one another. One of the hardest things about Corona virus for me is being hundreds, thousands of miles separated from my children, my best friends.
When I go shopping and buy something new or have a frustration, I want to be right with my girls and giggle, tell every story, every feeling, hear the details of their day, pray over the fears and challenges of life.
My girls and I wrote a book all about the vital importance of learning how to nurture intimacy, companionship, community, intimacy because we were made to be in relationship. It is called Girls’ Club.
But it is the very same with my boys. My boys are both tall, masculine, confident men. And yet, both have learned the value of cultivating honesty, vulnerability and deep emotions and thoughts, in spite of the way men have been taught to be stoic. Yet, in their adult years, I have seen both of them able to be vulnerable, sharing with me secrets of their hearts as well as some deep disappointments and heartbreaks. And I have also shared my own heart and struggles and victories with them. We are the best of companions and friends. Our relationship makes me feel honored and valued.
Cultivating a heart for friendship lays a foundation that will serve your children, (and you!) the rest of your life.
The process is long and constant, “No, not this, THIS.” One day at a time a great life is shaped. One of the deepest blessings of my life at this stage is the very close, intimate, inspiring, fun friendships I have with my now adult children.
But, of course, as with everything else, it took years of heart-work, not legalism. After all, we invested years and years in one another's lives. I hope this podcast and post will be of help to you as you invest in friendships with your own children, family and friends.
1. Time and Availability Whatever the age, children develop better when they know we will make our time together a priority. People grow close not through monitoring one another’s behavior but by working together, playing together, talking together, celebrating together, weeping together. Relationships develop when people are there for each other—and that’s as true for parents and children as it is for anyone else.
2. Acceptance and Unconditional Love In building meaningful relationships with my children, I must learn to accept unconditionally the person God made each of them to be—even with personality traits that differ from mine or that make me uncomfortable. I need to accept the “warts” and irritating characteristics that may never change. I have to love my children with a mature commitment that reaches past my feelings for them, which can change from circumstance to circumstance.
3. Affirmation and Encouragement I believe most children, (and adults) are acutely aware of their limitations and their failures. While they might need correction for their mistakes and or even confrontation for their sinful selfishness, they also need recognition for their real efforts and accomplishments and positive reminders of who they can be with God’s help. And sometimes we need to remember, "It is to a man's honor to overlook a sin."
4. Grace Our children need us to give them the grace to grow. If we make them think that we expect perfection, then eventually they may give up trying to please us, because they know they will always fail, or they may spend their whole lives feeling guilty for their failures. And sometimes when life has too many rules, as teens, our children will quit telling us the truth of what they are doing for fear we won't understand or will condemn them. (We cannot live by fear.)
5. Relationship Training We need to consciously train our children in the skills and attitudes that will enable them to sustain positive relationships. A person can only experience true intimacy when his heart has been deepened and exercised in real love and commitment. Practice in manners and speech and gracious behavior comes over a lifetime of cultivating this day in and day out).
"GREATER LOVE HAS NO ONE THAN THIS, THAT ONE LAY DOWN HIS LIFE FOR HIS FRIENDS." -JOHN 15:13
" TRUE HUMILITY IS NOT THINKING LESS OF YOURSELF, IT IS THINKING OF YOURSELF LESS." C.S. LEWIS
Books Referenced in this Podcast:
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