"Where can I go from thy spirit or where can I flee from thy presence? Even the darkness is not dark to thee and the night is as bright as the day."
~Psalm 139
Precious is the moment when a child confidently proclaims, "I'll bet you can't find me!" from behind a curtain, under a bed, or beyond a half-closed door, while his feet or body are conspicuously sticking out. We pretend, for the sake of the child's innocent heart, that we cannot see him and say, "Where could Johnny be? I can't find him anywhere!?"
Snickers and giggles abound as we look high and low while we are perfectly aware we are so very near to the beloved child.
God, too, allows us to play at life, to seek to grow and explore and exercise our limited human authority to bring about our goals and purposes in life and expound on our own prowess.
As I look back on the heartbreaks, the times of real panic attacks, fear, discouragement, I had only one way forward—to trust Him, to give my burdens into His hands, to seek to take one more step in the direction of what I found to be true in scripture. So many times, I felt hidden, I felt unseen and wondered if my daily investment in my children and home even mattered.
Yet, I was taught early in my walk with Christ, to choose to believe in His faithfulness and to walk by faith and to pray to Him. I look back now and see that He was indeed taking me on the path that led to truth, fruitfulness, blessing. His word guided me. His faithfulness came through in ways I couldn’t see at the time.
You see, even though my way felt dark, the Psalm tells us that even darkness is not dark to him. Psalm 139 tells us that there is no place where we can go that He is not still present with us.
As our divine parent, He must at times allow us to cry and be sad when we do not understand His greater ways, even as we must say no to our own children and allow them childhood momentary sadness when it would be harmful, dangerous or unwise to give in to their own desires. It hurts to feel lost and feel sad in this, As we mature and season, we understand more and more that this is the broken place, where He knows we will never be fulfilled or complete. Yet, He patiently leads, guides, and attends to us as we slowly mature and gain perspective. But God is never lost, and we are never lost to him. He always sees us wherever we think we are hiding or in the dark.
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Eyes wide, giving me a weakly-attempted smile, my dear friend attempted to greet me with a cheerful heart. We hadn’t seen one another for a long time, and we knew our time together was a treasure.
Embracing her, I whispered, "You are so very dear to me and to our precious Lord. He loves you more than you will ever know. He sees you, He is with you, and He will hold and guide you."
Tears filled her eyes, bursting over her dark, black lashes as she whispered, "I feel so lost. I can't find my old self anymore. I don't know how to come back to the light."
"You feel lost,” I said, “but God is not lost, and He has not lost you. Just wait and be still, and in time the light will come gently pouring back into your heart," I whispered with as much love as I gather to pour into her darkness.
God's ways are always best and bringhealth, joy, beauty, and real life. He shares our grief and frustrations, and grieves along with us. However, as a loving Father, He must interfere with our expectations of being able to find true joy and happiness in this world if we could only control it enough. But I have had to learn that I am a toddler with so little perspective I sometimes think I am hidden, or perhaps sometimes in fear of being lost. I can pretend and play and at times, pour out tears of sorrow at the difficulties and barriers He allows in my life.
We are all immature, short-sighted and limited, being held fast by this earth, and so God has to pry our hands free from their strong grips on this world, to force us to look more astutely towards eternity, where we will live forever and ever in His true light.
We may feel lost. He is never lost or has lost control over us.
"I am with you always, even unto the end of the earth,” Matthew 28:20.
Until we close our eyes here and awaken into His lovely presence.