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Oh, I can’t believe it! I am turning into a real predictable grandmother. I just think Lily is the cutest in the world with her little pink hat and coat adorned with the darling bow. It is so much easier for me to relax at this stage. I have been through the babyhood, childhood, teenage years, college years and young adult and now I can breathe. Yet, the journey was one filled with mystery and questions. Because so many have asked me to speak to toddlerhood and teenagers, I decided to do a short podcast on both today. And the foundational secret for both categories is giving a foundation of unconditional love.
Which of us has ever been loved too much? Same for your precious ones. We are all fraught with vulnerability, the possibility of failing in a million ways, with fear, exuberance, personality and so many things that make us unique. And so, in the context of life, we all long for love and acceptance and grace—and in my experience, grace wins the day! (And the hearts of our children, husband, friends, neighbors, bosses, all of our encounters!)
Today, I have on my heart to share a bit about how to treat our children from toddlers to teens with the grace with which Christ treats me. (And there is more on teenagers in the podcast than here as I ran out of time.)
My goal throughout my time a parenting has been to have my children learn to obey me and to honor me quickly, from a heart that had been trained and nurtured to respond. I hoped they would want to please me as a parent as well as wanting to please God. because of our relationship. Sometimes, this meant exerting my authority immediately to help them learn that they must listen to mama. Often when they were toddlers, it meant picking them up to quickly stop the wrong behavior and to whisper quietly so they would listen, speaking to them about my expectation that they would obey. Grace-based parenting is not equal to permissiveness and lack of training or responsibility for children.
I read constantly when my children were little, to learn about how they developed. One article said the average two-year-old took between 30 seconds and a minute to have some messages sink in if they were engaged with something else (which they always seem to be!). Yet so often, I see moms being very strict with their children and being harsh when the child has not even understood yet just what he is doing wrong.
Harshness does not win over a child. Neither does wanting a two-year-old to be more mature than he can be, and punishing him for being two! We must use wisdom and discretion to understand the situation, the heart of the child, and how to best train him.. It is the kindness and mercy of God that leads to repentance. Child discipline should always be based on a relationship between a mature, benevolent, loving parent who is seeking to lead his child to maturity, and to train his child to think in the direction of righteousness and to train his behavior little by little.
The mature parent should consider the state of the child, his emotional needs and physical needs before meting out discipline.
Ignorance produces harshness
The unfortunate thing is that many parents, in the name of faithful discipline, do not understand or consider the differences between babies or toddlers or young children or even teens with all of their hormones. They exhibit anger and harshness toward their children, acting in a demeaning way, while neglecting the cues of the child at each stage. These parents have no perspective for the children themselves--they use a rule and formula no matter what the circumstance is--and often wonder why their children to not respond to them.
But, this kind of one-rule-for-every-situation discipline neglects the child's basic well being. If children are exhausted or overstimulated by television or other children, they are naturally more hostile or out of control. A wise parent will tend to his child's need for rest, quiet, rhythm, and balanced blood sugars, and understand hormones or emotions and personality. Often I see children disciplined for things the parent has neglected--their physical and emotional needs---when the child's behavior is often a direct signal to the parent to meet those needs.
I believe that Biblical discipline will take a long time to secure the heart--many years of constant loving training and instruction. We had very high standards for our children, but our discipline was always viewed through a lens of relationship as the strong basis of our discipleship. Without a close relationship, discipline is quite unproductive.
I was walking down the hallway of a hotel many years ago and a sweet, young, exhausted mom was exasperated pleading with her 4 month old baby, saying, "Go to sleep, go to sleep!" At which point the exhausted baby cried louder and louder.
I offered to hold the baby for a few minutes and to give the mom a break. She quickly gave the baby to me. I held the baby tightly in my arms and held it against my cheek and gently rubbed his head while singing softly into his little ear, and swaying gently back and forth. Immediately the little one relaxed its stiff body and listened to my voice and within 5 minutes was sound asleep. All mamas get exhausted and find babies who are inconsolable. She had given her all.
Different children require different responses. I observed that my very introverted, creative child took longer, even as a baby, to focus on me. I learned to work with his personality and to get on his eye level, gently get his attention, and then clearly state what my expectations were. He was happy to comply, but he did not always hear me or notice me the first time.
My third child, I eventually learned, was ADHD, OCD, and a few other letters. But being harsh never, never made him more mature or able to change his behavior. I learned that the more I poured into his life--affection, time, listening, talking—the more able he was to obey. I learned that if I was patient and gentle and helped him--holding his hand, using words of encouragement and gentleness, I could lead him in obedience.
When babies are touched and loved and sung to and talked to and have regular routines and regular, healthy diets, they are much more happy all the time and responsive to instruction. However, when a child has not received these basic needs, the only means of a child letting his parents know he is not happy or comfortable with his life is to whine or cry. When I am around generally healthy children whose needs have been met, it is obvious because they seem more content with life. All children are immature and will misbehave, and pages and pages could be written about the subject, but these are just a few of my thoughts.
My last thoughts on this today and then I must run to my day. Jesus' life is my example. There was a lost world because His children rebelled against Him. But His love and compassion was so much a part of His character and being, He was compelled to come to save us. He fellowshiped with His disciples, loved them, listened to them, confronted them, corrected them, fed them, taught them, and laid down His life for them. Because of their relationship with Him, and their love for them, they were willing to lay down their life for Him and His kingdom.
His love compelled them--it was a long-term process, this one of securing their obedience and hearts, but their hearts wanted to please Him and obey Him because of what He had meant to them. And so I did write Ministry of Motherhood, reflections on Jesus' method to secure the hearts of His twelve. It has been a study over many years. And today, from my quiet time, I am again humbled and blessed by His active, redeeming, sacrificial love that redeemed me.
His model to me as a parent, "Greater love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for his friend."
I hope you’ll enjoy today’s podcast as Misty Krasawski joins me to discuss parenting our children from toddlerhood through the teenage years!
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