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Since I was a little girl, I have loved gathering friends. I am now watching my granddaughter, Lilian, fitting my own pattern. Sarah and family live fairly remotely from friends and family, and Lilian is so eager to make a friend and play with others, that she seeks out almost every child she sees in the park or playground. It’s a little me! For me, a chocolate-covered strawberry just doesn’t taste as good alone—it must be oohed and ahhed over together with a friend. Together! Do your children, do you, long for “kindred” friendships in their lives?
Research of every kind shows that when humans have community, a place of belonging, friends, close family ties, they are healthier, happier and more successful at jobs or school. God made us for relationships. And yet, I get countless, hundreds of letters from sweet ones who long for a kindred spirit, a real “Diana and Anne” friendship. Cultivating a heart for friendship lays a foundation that will serve your children, (and you!) the rest of your life. It is not frivolous, it is essential for our health.
One of the deepest, heart-satisfying blessings of my life at this stage is the very close, intimate, inspiring, fun friendships I have with my now adult children. But, of course, as with everything else, it took years of heart-work. After all, we invested years and years in one another’s lives. We were together 24/7 for so many years. .
My friend, Bailey Hurley, joined me today to discuss principles of belonging with me on my podcast, and to share about her new book, Together is a Beautiful Place (listed below). I hope this podcast and post will be of help to you this summer as you invest in friendships with your own children and friends.
Below are some foundations I have discovered open the doorl-and be sure to grab a copy of the books we talk about: Girl’s Club and Together Is a Beautiful Place.
1. Time and Availability Whatever the age, women or children develop better when they know we will make our time together a priority. People grow close not through monitoring one another’s behavior but by working together, playing together, talking together, celebrating together, weeping together. Relationships develop when people are there for each other—and that’s as true for parents and children as it is for anyone else.
2. Acceptance and Unconditional Love In building meaningful relationships with, I must learn to accept unconditionally the person God made each of them to be—even with personality traits that differ from mine or that make me uncomfortable. I need to accept the “warts” and irritating characteristics that may never change. I have to love my children with a mature commitment that reaches past my feelings for them, which can change from circumstance to circumstance.
3. Affirmation and Encouragement I believe all of us, are acutely aware of our limitations and their failures. While we all might need correction for our mistakes and or even confrontation for their sinful selfishness, they also need recognition for our real efforts and accomplishments and positive reminders of who they can be with God’s help. And sometimes we need to remember, "It is to a man's honor to overlook a sin."
4. Grace All of us need the grace to grow. If we expect perfection, then eventually others will draw away from us, give up trying to please us, because they know they will always fail, or they may spend their whole lives feeling guilty for their failures. And sometimes when life has too many rules, as teens, our children will quit telling us the truth of what they are doing for fear we won't understand or will condemn them. (We cannot live by fear.)
5. Relationship Training We need to consciously train ourselves and our children in the skills and attitudes that will enable them to sustain positive relationships. A person can only experience true intimacy when his heart has been deepened and exercised in real love and commitment. Practice in manners and speech and gracious behavior comes over a lifetime of cultivating this day in and day out). This particular set of principles is taken from Mission of Motherhood by me!)
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