| SALLY: Heart-to-Heart...
Dear Friends, We are so very excited to be a part of what God is doing in our culture at this time in history. Families are hungry for input, training, and inspiration to know what to do in order to have healthy relationships with their children, and to discover the purpose and fulfillment that comes from living according to God's biblical design for parenting. I want to tell you about several events for mothers coming up soon, but be sure to hear a personal message from me that I just posted on YouTube.
April 29: Schoolhouse Expo WebinarIn two weeks, I will be speaking, along with Clay and Sarah, on a special edition of the Schoolhouse Expo webinar offered by Old Schoolhouse Magazine. On Thursday evening, April 29, we will have our very own "A Night with the Clarksons" time to share for three hours about motherhood, books, and homeschooling. To find out more about the Schoolhouse Expo or to register online, go to theSchoolhouse Expo website. Also be sure to visit myITakeJoy.com blog where I will be giving away three tickets to this event. Each winner will also receive a special resource-filled digital "gift bag," a special promotional added extra from TOS valued at $300.00. Stop by today and sign up for the drawing! May 1: Mom Heart Leader Basic Training On Saturday, May 1, I will lead a one-day leader training seminar for women who want to start and lead Mom Heart groups in their homes, communities, or churches. You can register online on the Mom Heart Leader Basic Trainingpage on our website. The sessions will be filmed to provide DVD and online training videos later for women all over the world who have a heart to minister to moms. We are putting together a Mom Heart Group Leader Manual that will be filled with helpful suggestions and instruction on how to plan and lead a small group, and interact with moms. If you live near the Woodlands (north Houston), please consider joining us. We know how imporatan fellowship and accountability can be in ministry, so bring along a friend, too, so you can learn together how to minister to moms. My friend Sandra Maddox will be with me from California. She will speak on how to start a mothers ministry within a church setting. She began with a group of moms at Saddleback Church, and now has a regular group of over 200 moms who are being discipled and trained weekly in her Treasured ministry. She will share from her experience how to start and lead a mothers ministry. August 5-8: Mom Heart Leader Intensive Training Our vision is for Mom Heart to be an international movement of small groups for mothers. We cannot do that alone, so we are stepping ahead in faith to find other women who share our heart, values, and beliefs to be become leaders, speakers, and writers for Mom Heart Ministry. If God continues to open doors as we move ahead in faith, our plan is to host, on August 5-8 here in Monument, CO, a Mom Heart Leader Intensive Trainingevent at my home. Out of those who attend we are asking God to begin to raise up some who will help us with writing projects, creating blogs and web material, and speaking for events and Mominars (one-day church seminars for moms), all to help restore moms' hearts to God's design, not just in the states, but around the world. The conference will train them to present Mom Heart materials, as well as turn their own personal family stories into messages, both spoken and written. You can read more about this high-intensity ministry training weekend on my blog at itakejoy.com, and on the MHLIT event page on our website. Registration will be limited to 30 women, and a detailed application will be required for all desiring to attend (requires a $10 application fee available online).&# 0160; Whenever times are challenging for Christians, that means there are also increased opportunities for ministry to others. We sense the Holy Spirit moving in the hearts of mothers, and are trying to respond "for such a time as this" by training mothers to minister to mothers. We hope you will share our heart and join the cause! In the midst of these days of challenge and opportunity, just remember that "the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, will Himself perfect, confirm, strengthen and establish you" (1 Peter 5:10). You are in our prayers as we pray that God's grace and loving care will be evident in each of your lives. In His Heart, Sally
A Few Closing Thoughts...
WHOLE HEART ONLINE...IS LIVE!: The all new Whole Heart Online website (www.wholeheart.org) is officially "live" and in operation. We're still a long way from getting all of the content onto the site, and we haven't really started blogging on it yet, but the new site is finally there.Come by and take a look! It will only get better in the coming weeks.
MOM HEART ONLINE: We'll be turning soon to begin developing the new Mom Heart Online website (it will be located at momheart.org when it goes live). Stay tuned!
MOMINARS AND MORE: We are looking ahead to the rest of 2010 and into 2011 for church facilities to offer Mominars (a one-day church-based motherhood seminar) and other Mom Heart events. If you live in a larger metropolitan area, and are involved in a larger church that makes its facility available for ministry, please let us know. We'd love to explore new opportunities.
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A YouTube message from Sally for Moms:
Mom Heart Ministry Leadership Opportunities
Dancing with My Father
How God Leads Us into a Life of Grace and Joy by Sally Clarkson
BUY IT NOW ON:
Seasons of a Mother's Heart, 2nd Edition Heart to Heart Encouragement for Homeschool Moms by Sally Clarkson
BUY IT NOW ON:
Read for the Heart Whole Books for Wholehearted Families by Sarah Clarkson
BUY IT NOW ON:
Our 24 Family Ways 2010 A Family Devotional Guide by Clay Clarkson
BUY IT NOW ON:
Find us Online:
Sally
Sarah
Whole Heart
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I want you with me," said the little princess.
Polish Princess by artist Peeter Danckers de Rij
Dressing up seemed to be her favorite thing to do. A perfect satin dress all be-speckled with rhinestones and a swirly layer of ruffle at the bottom swayed as she danced backwards and forwards. "I want to be a real princess when I grow up and have a handsome man who loves me dearly all the time."
The mother heard the depth of longing in her little 6 year old's voice and wondered at her intense interest in romance that had seemed to develop over the past months as her little one talked of it often.
"Why do you dream of this so much?" she asked her little one as she sat upon her lap.
"I want to feel really, really loved and not be lonely any more."
"What do you mean?" was the confused question.
"You are never really with me and I want someone to be with me."
"I am with you all the time. I stay here all day with you and homeschool you and your brother. What do you mean I am never with you? I am with you all the time," was the frustrated reply. "How could I be more with you?"
"You are here in the house and you are always busy with housework and the computer and we are always doing the serious work of school, but you don't sit with me to play, or pretend in my imaginary world, or sit next to me--really with me, and do nothing else, and eat popcorn when we watch a movie, or just talk to me like a friend. I wish you could really be my friend and like me, cause lots of time I feel lonely." was the innocent reply.
This story was related to me by a sweet young mom who realized she was getting the work done, but she was missing the heart of her little one and had taken for granted that her little girl longed for her companionship.
And so it goes, all children want to be loved and cherished and to have close companionship. If it is not "felt' in the home, the child (or adult) will search for it wherever he or she can find it.
I see that many teens long for the same kind of affirmation. If it is not met with family, godly friends and community at church, many begin to look for love in all the wrong places.
Often, without meaning to, we are busy straightening the pictures on the wall of a house that is burning down. If we are to win the heart of our children or husbands or neighbors or friends with our messages, we must first woo the heart with our focussed time and attention and personally felt love. I have been so often of late with teens and youth who have this vacuum of love from parents who are busy, or critical, but not sympathetically engaged or involved. And so they look for love in all the wrong places and go from one scarring relationship to the other.
So, though I am busy, busy these days, God used this story and reminder as an admonition to come home and seek the heart of my own growing princess, who has wanted to stay up and talk until midnight every night this week. What I would have missed if I had not enjoyed this week of heart talks and fun. Sleepy though I walk through my days, it has been greatly rewarded. These are the thoughts rolling around in my head as I go into the weekend. grace and peace.
I want you with me," said the little princess.
Polish Princess by artist Peeter Danckers de Rij
Dressing up seemed to be her favorite thing to do. A perfect satin dress all be-speckled with rhinestones and a swirly layer of ruffle at the bottom swayed as she danced backwards and forwards. "I want to be a real princess when I grow up and have a handsome man who loves me dearly all the time."
The mother heard the depth of longing in her little 6 year old's voice and wondered at her intense interest in romance that had seemed to develop over the past months as her little one talked of it often.
"Why do you dream of this so much?" she asked her little one as she sat upon her lap.
"I want to feel really, really loved and not be lonely any more."
"What do you mean?" was the confused question.
"You are never really with me and I want someone to be with me."
"I am with you all the time. I stay here all day with you and homeschool you and your brother. What do you mean I am never with you? I am with you all the time," was the frustrated reply. "How could I be more with you?"
"You are here in the house and you are always busy with housework and the computer and we are always doing the serious work of school, but you don't sit with me to play, or pretend in my imaginary world, or sit next to me--really with me, and do nothing else, and eat popcorn when we watch a movie, or just talk to me like a friend. I wish you could really be my friend and like me, cause lots of time I feel lonely." was the innocent reply.
This story was related to me by a sweet young mom who realized she was getting the work done, but she was missing the heart of her little one and had taken for granted that her little girl longed for her companionship.
And so it goes, all children want to be loved and cherished and to have close companionship. If it is not "felt' in the home, the child (or adult) will search for it wherever he or she can find it.
I see that many teens long for the same kind of affirmation. If it is not met with family, godly friends and community at church, many begin to look for love in all the wrong places.
Often, without meaning to, we are busy straightening the pictures on the wall of a house that is burning down. If we are to win the heart of our children or husbands or neighbors or friends with our messages, we must first woo the heart with our focussed time and attention and personally felt love. I have been so often of late with teens and youth who have this vacuum of love from parents who are busy, or critical, but not sympathetically engaged or involved. And so they look for love in all the wrong places and go from one scarring relationship to the other.
So, though I am busy, busy these days, God used this story and reminder as an admonition to come home and seek the heart of my own growing princess, who has wanted to stay up and talk until midnight every night this week. What I would have missed if I had not enjoyed this week of heart talks and fun. Sleepy though I walk through my days, it has been greatly rewarded. These are the thoughts rolling around in my head as I go into the weekend. grace and peace.
Sing a more beautiful song
Jason is the hero in a classic Roman tale who leads a ship of men in the quest of the golden fleece. As all good stories go, there are many adventures, battles and catastrophes. However, Jason is about to encounter the Sirens in his journey at sea. Now the Sirens have been described in Homer's epic poem in Odysseus. They live on three small islands and have the ability to sing beautiful songs that entice sailors to their Island and then they crash their ship on the shore and meet death and destruction. Jason fears being lured to the Island, so he suggests that someone should tie them to the bow and not let them go to the Island no matter what--that the ropes could bind him from doing a bad deed.
However, it is suggested to Jason that he needs Orpheus, a singer, to come to his aid.
It seems Orpheus has the ability to play more beautiful songs more loudly and drowns out the Siren's bewitching songs so that they pass by safely.
While talking to dear friends recently, they reminded me of this story. It seems to me to be a paradigm of what we need to consider for our children. When they are young, we not only build foundations of beauty and truth and love and goodness, but we also saturate them with the celebration of life and the joy of Christ in our homes, so that they will always consider our homes the most comforting, beautiful, peaceful place to be--the place of the most beautiful songs.
I have had many women say to me, "Why do you go to so much effort to do traditions, cook real food and celebrate life with your children? It feels to me like something more I have to do and my plate is already full."
It is easy enough to keep your children "on your team" when they are young and smaller than you. However, sometimes I don't think that young moms know to prepare for the teen years.
In this culture, at this time in history, their are many voices crying out to our teens--media of all sorts--tv, movies, facebook, pornography--at their fingertips--and peer pressure. There is a point when all children have to grow up and own their own ideals. And most moms of young children just assume that their teenagers will love them and submit to them, as they are loved and obeyed now.
But in this world, at this time, the Sirens will sing an alluring song. It is ours to figure out how to sing a more beautiful song.
Yet, scripture even addresses this for teens in Proverbs, which Solomon wrote for his own son when he was a youth. Proverbs 9: 13-18 depicts this voice of foolishness and destruction. Her name is Folly and she is calling out to those who are passing by, "who are making their paths straight." She wants to bring these, our children--whose lives we have sought to put on the "path of life" for our Lord Jesus, to destruction. She calls out to them, lies, deception and promises of love and fulfillment, through the world's ways.
However, earlier, Solomon depicts the other voice that is crying out--that of Wisdom. In Proverbs 9, we see that she sets her tables, she cooks her food, makes her place one of life, food, the atmosphere where love has prepared a meal.
And then calls out to the "sons" of men and invites them to her home--she has great food, beauty, music, (probably) and invites, "Come into my house and learn from me. She is there to call these youth to excellence, beauty, truth to help them safely go through the passage of teenage years unscathed. She sings a beautiful song!
And so, as we reflect the image of God through our lives in our home, it is a necessity of our spiritual warfare that we provide and cultivate havens of comfort, a shelter in the storms of life, filled with wisdom, love, pleasure, deep satisfaction in an atmosphere of showing God's reality through it all. God was a creative artist--in His image, we create the art of life and so sing a beautiful song that will be louder to our children's souls, than that of culture.
I Love Easter!
Clarkson Traditional: An Easter Egg Tree
Now let the heavens be joyful,
Let the earth her song begin:
Let the round world keep triumph,
And all that is therein;
Invisible and visible,
Their notes let all things blend,
For Christ is risen, Our joy shall have no end!
St. John of Damascus
I love Easter! The message encourages me every year. I love Jesus and his story and celebrating my adoption as His child. I love the grace that pours over my soul. I even love Easter Egg hunts and celebrating the day with friends and family. (We even always had a hunt even for our 20 year olds--each child in our family had their own color of plastic egg with goodies inside and we would color code the eggs to be more difficult for the older and less for the younger--though sometimes the younger ones were better scouts. Sarah would always look for pink, Joel--blue; Nate red and Joy purple. So much fun.
I also love Easter pageants. This year we were busy with 11 performances over 2 weeks to 50,000 people with over 1000 in the cast. I love our church and I am thankful for these weeks of celebrating in community and drama and make up and fun.
angel dancers (Joy in the middle!)
Joy and pals
May you have a wonderful, blessed day
It's not fair! ...coping with the wounding and injustices of irregular people. Finding hope in Easter.
My little group, hiking in the mountains together.
"Love covers a multitude of sins." I Peter 4:8
Most of us have those in our lives who have wounded us again and again. We have all had to deal with the irregular people. Those who are self-centered, or seemingly angry, or harsh or critical and are more self-absorbed in their lives than willing to give. We long for their words of love, encouragement, grace and yet are met with harshness or impatience or passivity or the with-holding of love. Often it is a family member--a spouse, parent, brother, child. Sometimes a neighbor, or a "fellow Christian." Our hearts cry, "It's not fair. I am not willing to be hurt one more time. I want to leave."
But in reality we are sometimes ourselves the irregular people.
The tension of having to live with such a person or ourselves, is very difficult to manage. Our desire is to run away, to leave, to not allow ourselves to continually be in that place where deep wounds may occur again any time.
At a couple of our mom's conferences this year, when surveyed, we found out that well over half of the women who attended came from alcoholic, divorced or abusive families. Astounding--a majority of the people around me, though it is not evident in their outside appearances, have wounds, scars, deep insecurity, pain from the closest of relationships in their lives.
This world is the broken place--the place where Satan is the ruler of the world, and yet there is Easter.
As I approach the Easter season, I ask Christ to show me what He wants me to know, to understand, and how to love Him more. Each year I am surprised at the outcome.
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I have a little group that has evolved over the past 3 years. We made it a priority to be friends. We gather weekly or as often as we are all in town. We and our children do ministry together. We do life together. I knew I needed support systems since we have no family near by and we travel so much. Ours is a strange life.
And so we all decided that over the weeks before Easter, we would gather and share a meal and then watch a portion of the movie about Jesus that is based on the gospel of John. The movie only has the words of John, nothing else.
After spending time talking, giggling, munching on home-made bread, cheese and fresh fruit and hearing from different ones who had been reporting about different topics found in the gospel of John, we noisily tramped downstairs to my friend's basement and squeezed in together on an over-sized couch, grabbed and jerked blankets around ourselves and then became immersed in the middle-eastern world of Jesus.
His words penetrated our souls, amidst the lakeside waves, the tumble of the personalities and antics of the disciples, the responses of the Samaritan prostitute, the amazed rejoicing blind man who received sight, the broken-hearted harlot who was caught in adultery amidst the angry, screaming, accusing Pharisees, the tousling of heads of children as Jesus passed through, the compassionate feeding of the 5000, who were weary and hungry; the patience and forbearance with constant arguing, questioning, accusing.
I was surprised at how hungry my soul was for His message and became drawn into His heart. The crowds argued with Him, the Pharisees accused Him; twice they sought to stone Him, His authority was questioned, his miracles were questioned. He was accused of being filled with a demon. Haunted by constant, pushy, demanding, crowds, relentless needs of lost, lonely, hungry souls. And yet from the beginning, John tells us, He was ever moving toward his death, His cross, His sacrifice.
The divine meekness, the encompassing gentle spirit, the transcendent humble being, enveloping all in His pathway with profound, true insight, healing love, soothing soul-felt words of life was a witness of the power amidst the rubble of life.
And more, taking 5 chapters to explain His heart to His cherished friends, John sought to give us a glimpse into His compassionate heart, they who would be left alone, His disciples. He gathers them for a private, intimate sharing of souls, over the comfort of one last shared meal.
The creator and supreme, stooped on the dirty ground to wash 120 dirty toes. He gently washed, touched, dried the feet of his most intimate friends.
"If I have done this to you, so you should do this to one another."
Even to the one who would betray him, he washed and ministered his humble love unto him on the very night he was to be betrayed.
His words washed over my soul, "Just as the Father has loved me, I have loved you. Abide in my love." 15:9
"Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down His life for His friends." 15:13
"They will know you are my disciples by your love for one another." (5 times)
"If the world hates you, you know that it hated me before it hated you." 15:18
"How many times should we forgive? Seventy times seven."
"These things I have spoken to you that you may be kept from stumbling,..., an hour is coming for everyone who kills you to think he is offering a service to God." 16: 1-2
"You will weep and lament, but your sorrow will be turned to joy."16:20
"In the world you have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world." 16:33
And then, he went to the cross, willingly, humbly, generously, feeling all the pain, despising the pain, yet holding on for the joy ahead where redemption and healing and love would reign supremely for eternity.
Peter tells us, "While being reviled, he did not revile in return, but kept trusting Himself to God, who judges righteously.
And then, his dying breath, "Forgive them because they do not understand what they are doing."
And so for me, the message of this year from His spirit became clear. "if I am to understand my God, I am to imitate His life, his love, His generous forgiveness and mercy, and his servant, life of pouring himself for others, so undeserving--no more room for the pointing of fingers or critical attitudes or the pettiness of hateful thoughts that rob my soul from grace. In order for a muscle to be built, it must be torn and then repair itself--the ending result is strength. And so soul strength comes through the same process.
In pondering how he could love, serve, die for the unlovely, forbear with unconditional love, I am being chiseled into His likeness. When I practice with those unlovely, the irrational, those with whom I may have to deal for my whole life, the unconditional love, patience, forbearance-even the injustice, "It's not fair," feelings, I am renewed to soul knowledge and deep understanding of the very nature of my savior.
In this place, there is no room for bitterness, accusations, hate or anger to overpower, because the light of His forgiving love overcomes all darkness. Choosing to remain in the suffering with a face of forgiveness, my soul is transformed by His grace and light begins to pour into my being.
In pondering, loving, worshiping this man, my God, by exercising the same grace He lived when, "while we were yet sinners, he died for us," my soul is spiritually, surgically, stretched in the fire of reality to begin to understand a little more of Him, and my heart is bowed down to worship more fully the One who is love, grace and forgiveness. And in this knowledge, I, too, find generous, unconditional forgiveness and healing love.
No longer owned by those who choose t o injure, but freed to dwell in the sweet grace and accepting love, that by my experience from His own hand and voice, gives me the strength to live by His empowering in the shadow of His healing, life-giving love.
Advocate Parenting--heartfelt discipline
Love is patient, love is kind......... I have noticed over the years that, in an effort to be good parents, many of us tend to extremes. If rod oriented, then we can tend to use it all the time, over-correcting, and expecting too much of even little ones in a desire to be sure children are disciplined. This often produces rebellion as it is outward oriented and can neglect the heart issues and personality and needs.
However, I have also noticed that those who think of themselves as grace-based parents, can tend to let everything go and not train their children at all, because they think that grace-based means being lenient. And these children can be out of control and never learn self-control. Neither extreme serves children well.
I have also seen parents be diligent and serving and yet children, can still rebel when they are teens on in their twenties, in this difficult world. And that is why our Lord gave the story of the Prodigal child--to give us hope. None us us is perfect or will do it perfectly and so God calls each of us to give grace and compassion to each other and to pray for the blessed outcome for each family. No finger pointing allowed.
It seems to be that a key factor for reaching children's hearts, is that the children seem to feel greatly loved and connected to their family. Jesus himself gives us the priority of love in scripture--it sums up all the law and all the commandments--to love the Lord our God with all of our heart, and to love our neighbor as ourselves.
I know that children have a great desire to be loved and cherished. When they start out being loved, touched, sung to, nursed, cherished, their heart needs and physical needs are on their way to being connected in the brain in the right way. However, when babies are left to cry for long periods and not cherished and touched and cuddled and enjoyed, there is an essential chemical imbalance in their brain that causes them to be more apt to be irritated, fussy, less responsive.
Even as my children grew older, in the midst of very high ideals and training, I sought to pour into their lives and hearts in the areas of believing in them, liking who they were (even in times when I had to do it by faith!), making our home the best place to be, and teaching them that they could trust us with their secrets and insecurities and failures, by responding to them in love and respecting them where they were---if I wanted my children to learn to honor me, I had to honor them so that they would understand this attitude of respect.
So, I would say that essential for children is that "love" factor even from the beginning. This factor to me means, loving who your child is--his God designed personality, antics, delighting in your child and communicating that with words, gestures, tone of voice, and time spent playing and delighting in an listening to and affirming in front of others.
This did not come naturally to me, but I followed it obediently by faith and saw the results in my children's lives. I was more of an "adult" person as I had never been around children, but as I read many books about babies and researched scripture and studied Christ, I knew that love would be the foundation to reach the heart of my children with the messages and truth of God, so I sough to reach their hearts by cherishing the essential design of who they were.
We also need to consider scripture as our basis for following in our parenting principles.
Scripture is very clear that we are to discipline and train our children. Deuteronomy 6 is sometimes considered the Magna Carta for a happy family.
Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." Deut. 6: 4-10
Discipline is not really an area I know how to write well about, because it was for me an overarching journey and relationship-- --and so when people ask me about circumstances and specifics, I do not always know how to answer, as I would approach each day, each minute, each child with my grid of expectations of the way I wanted to train them and then I would by faith, try to discern the need of the moment. There was an overarching call to use every moment, each day as a teachable, training moment toward ideals and maturity-
That all the days of our lives together as a family would be consistent, focussed and intentional in our following of the organic life of Christ and His values in our home--over and over, day by day.
I had developed an internal filter that clearly focused on the results I knew I wanted to accomplish with my children and then would be with them all day, operating from that filter. I sought to simplify my goals by reading and synthesizing scripture and all the books I had read.
I knew two things that I was supposed to require from my children:
Honor (honor your father and mother) which focus's on attitude.
Children obey your parents in the Lord. This focuses on behavior.
Both were a part of what I knew I needed to secure--but age appropriate and child appropriate. And so from the time they were infants, I would talk to them all day long about what "Mommy and Daddy" expected. Children need to know what is expected of them before we discipline them for not obeying. Yelling at the moment may be needed at the moment when a child is in danger--but usually a child should know to obey ahead of time and that a parent will surely take action if the child does not obey. I have noticed that many young parents neglect to listen to their children and ignore them and then wonder why their children do not obey them. Little children need to be attended to and taught and instructed often when little so that they have a learned pattern of obedience and know how to follow.
For instance, before we would go to someone's house, I would tell them when we are there, I want you to use your best manners--which we would have talked about at our own dinner table many times, and I would review them--and talk about being a blessing and sharing toys or not whining or whatever, and then if they misbehaved, Clay or I would take them away from the crowd immediately and talk to them about their behavior and hold them or seclude them until they would choose to obey. They knew that if they did not behave, they would lose the privilege of playing with the others. Follow through is a must. But also getting down on their eye level and talking to them calmly and listening to their part of the story is also very important.
We developed the 24 Family ways so that our children would know what to do, what was expected, how to live their life pleasing God and then we would have a consistent plan from which to discipline--"What is the Clarkson way about work? What does this scripture say?" (24 Family Ways)
I also focused on will training a lot--as in Deuteronomy-God gave Israel a choice--life and prosperity or death and adversity. God told Israel that He would bless them if they would obey Him and that there would be consequences if they chose not to obey Him. And so we taught our children that--we wanted them to learn to obey us so that we could bless them--but that if they chose to disobey, they were choosing to be disciplined by our consequences.
So, if a child neglected to obey me--for instance in public--I would say, "You have a choice to make. If you come to me right now or quit what you are doing, then Mommy can bless you. If you choose to disobey me, this will be the consequence. I cannot make you obey, but there will be consequences."
But then, I followed through, even though it was rarely convenient-especially when dragging a baby and having a toddler hold on--and so on. But the earlier babies and children learn to obey, the easier they are when older. However, I had two very strong willed children that took longer and had more issues, but they also taught me a lot about humility and patience and both learned to love to obey eventually and to conform to our ways as a family and even to have pride in their own training.
Getting on their eye level, being very clear, and learning the difference between immaturity or lack of understanding and a rebellious deed was a filter for me.
My children did not mature at the same rate, either, so I had to just keep moving each child forward on the compendium of ideals-- rather than to expect each to be able to carry the same load. My adhd child needed to be treated according to his own ability, an introvert needed different training than an extraverted, loud child.Praying, praying all the time for discernment.
Words of praise go a long way. "You showed such a strong character. I am so proud of you obeying Mommy." or being a peace-maker or working hard or whatever--you are becoming such a strong boy.
Will training teaches a child that they have the ability to use self-control and to become "strong inside" but that there are consequences for sin and rebellion.
All excellence and training of children requires so much from parents and years of us giving up our own time to accomplish our goals, but so well worth it. But it was the most difficult, demanding thing of my life in that discipling my children has required focused time and is still going on--but they listen and want our instruction as their friends and mentors now, and for that I am so grateful--it takes investing in the younger years, to produce strong relationships in the teen years.
We had very high standards in our family--as my children will attest to! But there is also a positive peer pressure that went along with my whole gang--when the first ones are trained the others tend to follow
The "this is what we all do" came to be expectations of how Clay and I expected them all to behave and they would help each other--a sort of camaraderie developed between our gang.
I might set a timer each morning, put on music to see if we could get our work done before the timer went off--cleaning the kitchen or straightening up at 5 each afternoon, and they would all have areas to clean or to subdue. Having the older ones used to the routine, made the younger ones follow and do the same. And all knew that if they did not do their job, they would not be able to play or have free time afterwords and would have to do more work.
There is so much that could be said, but discipline and training was a way of life, all the time, every day. And it always started off with devotions each day. Truth by truth, principle by principle so that they had very clear understanding of God having His ways for us to follow for our blessing and ours to practice each day so that we could please Him and become righteous. Building into them a sense of being called to be Daniels--leaders in their lifetime--in the midst of their own Babylons--gave them a sense of purpose and calling for this righteous life.
Then, we depended on God's grace to work and it took years and years--but when I studied Jesus for writing my book Ministry of Motherhood, I could see patterns of His training took years and years, days and days even with adults, but always given with patience, consistency, understanding and repetition and eventually the disciples "got" it. But all done from the servant leadership that Jesus exhibited. Loving, serving, instructing, teaching, correcting, celebrating life together.
Out of time and off to my day.
But my favorite resources were Heartfelt Discipline by Clay, and Hints on Child Training as well as anything written by Ryle. Also, How to Really Understand Your Child. Grace and peace today.
Adversarial parenting vs Advocate parenting Part 1
“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?” Romans 2:4
Many of you who have read our books know that Clay and I are very relational based in our approach to children. I think that because so many parents want to do it right, they become susceptible to whatever parenting book they get their hands on and seek to find a formula for disciplining children. (Heartfelt Discipline, by Clay, will hopefully be back in print soon.)
Many books and materials on the market and in the Christian realm in the past few years have focussed so much on formulas and law and this is what parents long for--"just give me the rules and tell me how to do it right and how to pop out a perfect child and that is what I want."
Then, often these very materials add human wisdom and opinion to the formulas that sound very inviting, but are just from human beings. These Christianese statements are like the hundreds of rules that the Pharisees added to the law or torah and they put people under fear--that if they don't do everything right, it might be their fault if children do not turn out well and if they go astray. Parents, then, diligently correct every little immaturity and misbehavior of their children and become the authoritarian parent because someone said that if they didn't correct every little behavior, that they were teaching their children to get away with sin and that this would certainly lead to rebellion. And so they become policemen--watching for the "sin" and bad behavior and treat their children sternly. And instead of enjoying their children, they feel stressed, angry that their children insist on whining and doing things to irritate them all the time.
This is neither Biblical or productive. I am so very glad Jesus does not treat me this way or I would be disheartened. I still sin, act in an immature way, but He gently leads me, continues to teach me wisdom as I seek His word, gives me understanding through the Holy Spirit and little by little, my sanctification process leads me to become more like Him--Holy as it describes the process in Hebrews, "He disciplines us that we may share in His Holiness." He does this through training, in our circumstances, over a life-time--but never, never judges us arbitrarily or in harsh measures with us in our immaturity if our heart is turned toward Him.
I think it is to the honor of a godly woman to cultivate civility, justice, wisdom, grace, patience and unconditional love, life-giving words in all of her relationships--including those with her children.
Why is it that we diligently teach our children the golden rule, and then we neglect to use it as a basis for raising our children? I would not like to be treated harshly and have a voice constantly raised and be corrected all the time. It would dishearten me. I would seek to get far away from that kind of critical spirit and corrective voice. I am a person who needs grace, encouragement, help, training to become righteousness.
I am so thankful that the whole of scripture tells us to live by faith. This means we can pray that God will lead us in His wisdom and that we can discern personality (extraverts are louder) but this does not mean they are more sinful. Boys have more testosterone and usually mature socially a little more slowly--that does not make them evil. And sometimes we want our boys to behave like girls and we rob them of their masculinity--want them to be quiet all the time--because it is convenient for us. But I want my boys to be warriors, so I seek to understand the differences between them and my girls. There are many other such factors, but a wise woman will pray and consider and ask for guidance from the Holy Spirit to know what to do to lead, guide, discipline their children.
If a child is autistic or adhd or has some other mysterious issue, we know that by treating them with graciousness, patience, love and gentleness, we receive more growth and self-control. But I have found that the same principles work with all children, all people.
Often parents have overstimulated their children and they just need to have a more peaceful, at home environment and be at home more--because the nerves of very young children cannot be developed in the company of lots of activity and other children. Sometimes children misbehave because of low blood sugar and need to be fed--or they are exhausted and need to be put to sleep.
But, overall, I see that a heart attitude is what will set the stage for gracious parenting. I will write more about this next week, but love an article that I think you will enjoy. I have copied part of this article here and it is by Virginia Knowles, who has an magazine called the Hope Chest emagazine.
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Tenderness is a special character quality for mothers, but it comes from God. He leads us with gentleness so that we can lead our children with gentleness.
Isaiah 40:11 says, "He will tend his flock like a shepherd; he will gather the lambs in his arms; he will carry them in his bosom, and gently lead those that are with young."
1 Thessalonians 2:7-8 also talks about the gentleness of motherhood when is says, "As apostles of Christ we could have been a burden to you, but we were gentle among you, like a mother caring for her little children. We loved you so much that we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well, because you had become so dear to us."
And so our children become dear to us, and we are delighted to share our own lives with them -- but only as we are filled with God's tender compassion for us. As we live in the lavish love of God, we can learn to listen and respond to our children, rather than react at them. We don't need to be tyrannical dictators anymore. We don't need to feel like we must dominate our children, to use our own self-effort to make them holy, as if we expect a bunch of outward rules to change their inward hearts. Josh McDowell once said, "Rules without relationships reap rebellion." We've all seen the tragic results of teens and young adults who have walked away from their family and their faith because life was all about legalistic rules, without any warmth or grace.
GRACE! Our own grace toward them will lovingly point them to Jesus, the source of God's grace. On the other hand, our bitterness will only drive them away from God. We need to let go of the bitterness and anger of daily irritation or unmet expectations of how mature your children should be by now. Hebrews 12:15 says "See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled." Many people think that our children will only be defiled by the TV, by bad friends, or by the Internet, and yet one of the worst ways they can be defiled is by bitterness in the family! This will alienate them from you and your values faster than anything. Anger just doesn't work. As James 1:19-20 exhorts us: "Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God." Proverbs 15:1 reminds us that "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."
The issue of child discipline can be rather tricky at times. Yes, we must deal firmly and directly with issues, rather than being in denial. However, we must do this with right motives and with self-control. We don't need to shame or guilt-trip our kids into doing what is right, but teach them a better way. 1 Corinthians 4:14 sets the standard for parenting when Paul says, “I do not write these things to shame you, but to admonish you as my bel oved children.”
So instead of coming against our kids to inflict vengeance on them when they disappoint us, we come alongside to restore them with grace and to gently teach them the right way to live. So we can say, "I care so much about you that I want to see you succeed in life. This kind of behavior is going to bring you down, so I want to do whatever I can to help you choose better in the future. Now let's talk about it…"
Living fully in the grace and life of God
Writing and speaking, for me, is the means through which I most grow. There is something about having the responsibility of telling others the true concepts of God's word and seeking to pass on a love for Him, that changes me in the process. And so writing Dancing With My Father changed me deeply, and is still changing me. I might have changed even more since I turned in the manuscript, which was an exceedingly busy and demanding time in my life, than I did as I was writing it.
To live, fully alive, aware, sensing the presence of my gentle, loving Lord every day, in the tiny moments of my day--knowing He is here with me, He will always love me and pursue me, forgive me, help me--these realities that I am taking time to ponder and to know and understand, are changing the very heart of me--and entering into His presence, consciously, intentionally---when I remember to--is giving me more joy--even in the midst of the many pressures of my life. I know so much more clearly now, that all of my days have purpose in light of eternity and God's desire to bring me more and more to freedom, to value those things of eternity.
And so today, I pass on just a few thoughts from my book that may be of some encouragement--it is for me like reading my journal and so speaks to me again of what He has taught me.
"One of the greatest obstacles was my response to disappointments, frustration, and the day-to-day interruptions of life. As I evaluated these things in light of my commitment to walk in joy, I could see that, in reality, God had used many of my difficulties to create in me a deeper, more compassionate heart, I could see that the hand of God had faithfully met me at my need and somehow sustained me instead of letting me go under. I also realized that he had used these challenges to loosen my grip on the worldly, temporal things I had previously looked to for security and stability and instead compelled me to rely on him and seek eternal answers."
And then, later, I saw a Biblical story of dancing with God from a person who had learned this dance of joy in the privacy of his own life, where on one saw but God. "Here was my picture of Joy: David, having faithfully waited through years of anguish, danger, and humility, never lost his true focus on his ultimate Source of joy, his God, who had been with David every day, through every circumstance. Over 25 years of running away from Saul, losing his wife, having his children captured, attempted murder on his life, loneliness through battles from within and without. When he came to be king, his focus was still on His God and celebrating HIs presence in front of all who would follow Him as king. And with his heart focused on the Source of his joy, David could leap and dance "before the LORD with all his might" (2 Samuel 6:14). This out of heartfelt celebration.
I believe that David saw in God great freedom -- that his God created pleasure, color, beauty, food, love, sound, taste, and deep happiness. David was not tied up in knots of religion and rules, pretense and performance. Instead, he enjoyed and delighted in the God whom he knew to be his close friend and Lord. His dancing was a genuine expression of what he felt in his heart for his most beloved and intimate companion.
Where had he learned this? Out in the field, alone and free to ponder and live before God without pretense, being in nature withthe stars and storms, seasons and changes. He'd been daily alone, living in the beauty of a world that displayed God's glory and handiwork. He'd spend many hours writing music about it, thinking about the Great Designer, and singing to an audience of one."
And so today, as I am living this day, in my own "field" of life, I may learn to hear the music of His voice speaking to me in my circumstances, through the miracle of a child singing, giggling, buds opening up on a tree, daffodils blooming, the heavy breath of an angel baby, fast asleep, the warmth of snuggling under the blankets on a cold, snowy spring morning with the companion of my life, the taste of hot coffee, with sugar and cream flowing down my throat, the crystal beauty of my snow covered world around me--all of these from His hand-- a part of His art in my life, to see His presence and to be aware of His provision.
All must be seen, observed, appreciated, engaged in, in order to feed the depths of my soul.
May the field of your life bring you the joy of His presence today.
Discipleship, the divine call of mothers
I do not normally write too much on my blog about ourministry at Whole Heart. But, for those of you who are interested in this ministry, I have decided to include a rather lengthy letter to tell you about some very exciting areas that the Lord seems to be taking Clay and me into.
A Call to Discipleship
When I think of the word discipleship, I almost always think of a particular moment. I was invited to a friend's apartment where she had lit candles, set the table and served me a steaming cup of soup. (probably Campbells!) But, I felt "adult" as I didn't have an apartment of my own yet.
She then opened the scriptures and began to teach me some of her favorite verses. "Sal," she said, "I believe that God has great things ahead of you. I know He is going to use you in your life in a very special way."
And this is how my spiritual life began to grow. She passed on to me a love of Scripture, a passion for Christ and it was all served up to me on the plate of a loving relationship. She made me believe, with her life-giving words, that I was designed by God to have a work to do in the world--that God could use little me for His glory.
This became for me a model of my own discipleship relationship with my own children and with other women. Then, when we married, this mandate of discipleship and preparing our children to go into the world became applied to our own children and became a call for our family to teach it to others.
However, through the years, as we have watched the culture pull more away from the divine mandate of Biblical Christianity, Clay and I have had more of a desire to become serious and intentional about training and instructing leaders to can continue to pass on the Biblical messages to which we have devoted our lives.
The young generation have so many emotional scars, lack of training, a vacuum of spiritual or moral instruction, and very few models to follow. Families are not hearing or being affirmed in the strategic, Biblical role of parents in the lives of their children. A whole generation of women has neglected to be Titus 2 women, and give their time to younger moms.
Consequently, the whole foundation of the family has been shaken and devastated. And even more, we feel that the feminist movement has robbed motherhood from the important call to disciple and train and love children from their home and not to relegate the responsibility to culture.
For these reasons, Clay and I have a passion to see God raise up an army of women who are willing to be trained and then to go out into their own arenas to encourage and disciple women to love God, to love their husbands and to love their children. It is the essence of Titus 2. Though, there is so much else we could say, we have prayerfully come up with three focuses for the next few years.
Materials
Clay is devoted to helping to produce training manuals and materials for small groups and helping to get the basic Mom Heart materials going. He is committed to putting more books and discipleship training materials like the 24 Family Ways into print for use at home or church groups. There are too many publishing projects for families on his plate than he can ever finish.
Mom Heart Groups
We are seeking to continue to develop and write books and materials that women can use in small groups to help women grow in the Lord and in their understanding of what it means to follow the Biblical ideals of motherhood. We will have a training conference in Houston, May 1, to help train and give women more confidence about how to start a small group for women in their homes and in churches to study these materials together, to encourage one another and to pray. This will be for leaders in the area who are ready to consider starting Mom Heart Groups in churches or homes. If you are interested and live within reach, register here. We would love to have you.
This session will be video taped so that women all over can buy or download the videos to use to help them know how to begin a small group. We are hoping that many women all over the world will be moved by the Holy Spirit to initiate such groups wherever they are, to help encourage other young moms.
Leadership Intensive
I have come to a point in my life, where I desire to build more intensely into other women whose hearts are drawn to ministry and to help send them out. We are hosting a leadership intensive training here in Colorado Springs August 5-8, where Clay and I will be training and instructing women who already have the messages of Whole Heart in their lives. Though some of the sessions will be focused on areas of writing, blogging, speaking and teaching, it will primarily be a ministry training time. I would love to pass on my heart and passion about how to best reach mother's hearts to inspire them to bring the life and grace of God into their homes. Having face to face, personal time with those who God has already prepared to minister, and is like-minded in philosophy, is a desire of mine.
We are hoping that out of this group, God will bring some speakers and writers who can represent Whole Heart through blogs, articles, Bible study materials, and in speaking venues, with book tables to offer resources to moms. Our desire is to catalyze a group of women who can reach out to culture with these important Biblical messages as well as provide venues for speaking in smaller church conferences and reach out to communities to mothers who long for input and guidance. A team of families can accomplish much more than just Clay and I can.
Hopefully all who attend will be greatly encouraged and inspired and enriched by the time together. However, we hope that we will find some who are already ready to jump in to help us do more ministry and reach more people. But not all who attend will necessarily leave the conference as official Whole Heart Representatives. Our advisory board will meet at the conference end to discuss and prayerfully choose which women seem a "fit" with the heart of our ministry and are ready to step out.
This is a start to what we hope will turn into movement of the Holy Spirit to bring more projects and books and regional seminars and conferences to places we will never have the opportunity to speak. We are also hoping that some international ministry leaders will be able to join us.
This training will be for 30 women, and it will take place in my home and the home of a friend. I desire to share meals together, training, fellowship and instruction from others to facilitate such a team. There is a team of sweet women who are a advisory board who are helping to host this conference. They will be the ones who will evaluate the applications we receive to determine which women will be able to attend this first intensive training.
If this one goes well, we will consider doing more in the future.
Please Help!
We have many more ideas and projects in mind, but we have to move at a snail's pace because it is mostly just Clay and me who are working on our ministry and I, especially, am limited in the time I can give because of my priorities at home. We continue to pray that the Lord will raise up for us funds to hire someone to help us expand this ministry, so that we can be more free to write and work on projects.
Please consider being a part of helping us in this ministry God has put on our hearts. You can sign up to be a prayer partner. You can sign up for our ministry newsletter. You can become a leader of a small group. You can give financially to help us keep going as a ministry. Because of the generous support last year from so many, we were able to finish this year well and to keep going. We are so very grateful to the Lord for how amazingly He continues to work. You are a blessing to us.
God is on the move in amazing ways and we are so very blessed to be a part. May His spirit raise up a powerful movement of restoration of families, Biblical motherhood, a depth in the Word, and a passion for God and His kingdom.
A Big Thanks
We could not have made it through this season without your prayers, love and encouragement. I see the Lord raising up a team of like-minded families to help us get this ministry off the ground and am so very thankful. I only wish I had more time to answer all of my mail.
At this time, I will not be able to answer a great amount of emails, so stay tuned to this blog and or sign up for a newsletter and you will receive more information soon. Thanks so much for reading this letter and keeping us in your prayers.Blessings of His grace and peace to you and your precious ones today.
For further information, go to: www.wholeheart.org