A Choice to Flourish in the Boring Pathways of Life

Fifty-five women clustered in groups of 3's, 5's, 10's around the cozy table of our local coffee shop. Chattering, ordering coffee, quiche and soup, all seemed so very happy to be together as adults, as women, enjoying a rare time away from the daily grind. When I am going to be out of town on the night of our monthly Bible study, I reserve a local coffee shop for our evening together--just for us. So nice to have owners who love us and give generously to our group, after we have dubbed them our favorite coffee cafe for over 2 years now.

After our time of study, I always open it up for any question and spend about 10 minutes just addressing issues we all share.

"Sally, how did you live through all the mundane boring days where one day melted into another? Did you ever just feel like you were overwhelmed with the mundane tasks of it all? I feel like a prisoner in my own home."

It is true that all of us find ourselves amidst repeated chores, duties, and responsibilities--part of being an adult, part of eating, sleeping, living in this world--and often a challenging part when we feel we have no help or friends to carry the burdens.

Another mama, the next day, wrote almost the same letter. "I am dying here. Want to quit homeschooling but feel to guilty to do so. What should I do? I have been at it for 15 years."

Sometimes I see that moms have lost their vision along the way to live lives of ideals. Sometimes they just get lost in the journey, feel lonely, unappreciated, unnoticed and wonder if they are making a difference.

Though I will address some of these issues later this summer, after Joy graduates and I give her the party with all of her friends, after her's and Sarah's birthdays, after I return from California, after I get through with 6-8 weeks of therapy for my back and leg that has been so painful, after I turn in the manuscript for the Bible study guide for my new book, after my leadership intensive, after after after! :) We all have full plates.

1. Take the free short Myers-Briggs test at Truity.com and find out your personality. Access if you think the description of you is true.  I am fully between an Enfj and an Enfp--mostly leaning toward an ENFP at this point. It means I hate to be boxed in, I love variety, I enjoy personal relationships, I am an idealist--(no surprises there!)

Many years ago, I realized that I needed to take my personality needs into account when considering what kind of life I would shape for my family so I could last better, longer. And so, I included in my life: music, experiences, adventure, interesting opportunities, personal relationships, creating community, etc. If God made me the mother of these children, he made me the way I needed to be to fulfill His purposes.Who I am is enough to fulfill His will for my life. I do not have to live someone else's life.

On hard days, if we were fussing too much and all felt like prickles, I would throw the kids in the car, give them some little snacks to munch on, put on a fun book on tape to listen to-exciting and adventurous or a wonderful sweet story, and drive. I found places in my area that would get us all outside and give us fun. Parks, hikes, bookstores, museums, frozen yoghurt places, interesting places where they could run or swim or engage their own little needs and personalities--even my little 5 star hotel where we could have a hot chocolate on a cold snowy day--and if we did not have enough money--I would get 2 mugs full and make them split! Getting out on some impossible days helped all of us settle down.

Why do people insist on living by duty and so called "authorities "voices that limit their own fun or interest? We have great freedom in the Lord to use our own brains, our own values to live into His will for our lives, if we are basically orthodox in our beliefs and the way we practice them.

Sometimes our lives seem overwhelmingly mundane because we are choosing to live boring lives.

When shaping my own plan, I knew that reading, discussing, devotions, engaging and giving a verbally rich environment was the best I could offer my children, so I did not limit our education to the lists and formulas and curriculum ways of others, as I trusted God that He had given me a will to use my imagination within the wise counsel I read about and the input I had taken in.

And so, when my adult children got into schools I did not even dream of, (Oxford, Cambridge, Yale, Berklee, New York Film Academy) I could see that reading, giving freedom to develop their own muscles emotionally, mentally and spiritually and engaging them in life,  helped them all to grow into the person God made them to be and gave them a more than adequate education and rich life. Formulas would never have worked for my family as they would have been bored and so would I have been.

2. Get rest and refreshment If you are exhausted, take some time to sleep, give yourself a break from responsibility fatigue. Play and recreation can be so healthy for your well-being. Some of the things I have added over the years are tea or coffee breaks every day--for me and 15 minutes of pleasure to do what I want. Taking a French cooking class with my girls. Going out to breakfast with my teen boys. Playing tennis as a family. Having Clay take the kids out sometimes on a Saturday so I could do something fun with a friend or just stay home and watch a movie or take a bath or whatever.

3. Don't do life alone Whether  you are an introvert or extravert, you were made for relationships. Seek people who have your values or who can build into your life. I meet with an older friend I met from mutual Austrian mission experiences as often as possible when we are both in town. We share so many values, tastes and life appetites in common. When I am particularly down, I call her and we gather. I also have regular lunches, breakfasts with a group of friends that have been meeting for 9 years now and we do ministry and life together. We are different ages, different in personality and go to different churches, but I invited them over for lunch some years ago just once a month and from that we committed to each other.

If you do not have friends around you, read books by inspiring people--(books were my mentors amidst 17 moves!) Go to a seminar, volunteer in a ministry, do something--give of yourself and invest in others.

Walking miles each day, especially in natural, beautiful places, writing, playing music all the time, using my intuition to plan new ideas, projects, writing, speaking, traveling--and then figuring out how to pay for it--and regarding my children's needs and commitments as well as Clay's when I make plans. Making the mundane parts of my life as interesting and easy as possible have helped me to endure with grace. Simplify your expectations--you will never be in control, you will never get it all done, there are always new challenges around the corner, so prepare yourself for these life occurences.

4. Make it a goal to seek out wise women, those more mature than you, those whose lives you would like to emulate. 

"He who walks with the wise will be wise, a companion of fools suffers harm." This verse is not just for children--it is for you. Don't spend lots of time on vanity, empty websites, television, books, people who bring you down. You know if you are compromising your life--turn away from harmful influences and repent (go the other way) and ask for God's help. Jeremiah tells us if we walk after emptiness, we shall become empty. What you allow yourself to think will take hold in your life. The values you cultivate will grow in your heart. Determine to walk on the road to excellence one step at a time. Invest in the ideals you want to pursue--don't allow your heart to become addicted to women who pull you down, give you excuses to compromise your life in any way, tell you its ok to move in immoral directions. Avoid consummate complainers, those who criticize many people, those who always blame others for their difficulties or have a habit of shaking their fist at God.

Instead seek out the holy, the lovely, the good. What you seek after will determine what you become--where your treasure is, there will your heart be also. But seek first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Seems to me that seeing results always took longer than I thought they should but now when I look back I see how gently, strongly, intentionally, wisely God was directing and training and fulfilling his ways in my life.

5. Use your God-given imagination--it is part of the Holy Spirit to fill us with ideas, give us beauty, open doors, enlarge our boundaries. Part of being a mature believer is to use your mind, desires, convictions, dreams, enjoyment to create life in your own life.

Do it today--Own Your Circumstances, Own your design, Own your puzzle and make it an interesting, god-glorifying place to live or at least slowly move into that direction. Don't be a victim to your life's duties, find ways to make it personally fulfilling.

Off to work on bringing some color into my black and white duties of life right now. Praying blessing for each of you.

For lots and lots more ideas, read:

Own Your Life

                                                            Educating the Wholehearted Child

Seasons of A Mother's Heart (Dealing with all the seasons we experience as homeschooling mamas.)

Keep a good sense of humor or you will never make it!

Is it possible that my youngest, my wonderful Joy, is graduating from college?

Mays are so often busy for all of us, and this one is no exception for me. Can't believe that Joy is graduating in just a couple of weeks and moving ahead to bigger things. As I am preparing for her senior party, her birthday, another trip to California, and all the family gathering, I am putting regularly scheduled commitments and life chores aside and accepting my limitations to "get it all done." And I am determined to enjoy each day, and notice in the minutes the grace of God. It is more my nature during this season to be a "Martha," instead of a "Mary", but little by little God is changing me and teaching me not to take everything too seriously.

In the midst of slumber-partying last weekend, we were looking at pictures, sharing old stories and this one came up. And I remember, to "lighten up" one more time and to take time for a sense of humor.

A few years ago, we fell into bed as we returned home from 4 national conferences. Suitcases full of dirty clothes, mail piled high, a general disarray in our home. I, with tear filled eyes, simpered into the den where my children were lounging on couches and said, "We have to get this house cleaned up. I know it will take a lot of work and none of us feel like it, but it's got to be done." tears streaming, sad face, grumpy look.......

My 6'-5", tender-hearted  Joel, put his arm around my shoulders gently and said, "Mom, we know the routine. We can get it cleaned up and then it will just get messy again and then we will clean it up again. But when you are sad, we feel guilty.

"So lighten up, Mom, and then we can all be happy, cause when you are happy we feel good,  and we will still get it all done."

How true. Lighten up. It isn't that big of a deal. Practicing celebrating life, putting on loud music while cleaning, choosing to smile and laugh and be gentle and asking forgiveness if/when my attitude  was blown--all in the life of a house full of sweet sinful, flawed, but darling people. As Joel says, it is all just going to happen again.

And so, these many years later, I still need to remember his admonition, even amidst different circumstances.

Today I have, done a whole year of business expenses to turn in for reimbursement; arranged for 3  medical tests and sat in urgent care for 3 hours; (how did I injure my leg? I have been walking miles a day for years and years!) worked on Joy's graduation party, talked on the phone for 2 hours to 2 different children making big decisions and needing input,  (now it is where to go to graduate school and what plane to take home from Oxford and how to figure the dates.)

I stopped for  a mug of coffee at my local favorite place because I had never even eaten breakfast and it was 2:30,  put together a packing list for the weekend when we leave for a trip back to Ca; met with my Bible study group tonight and taught for 2 hours and still have lots I have not been able to do. And now bed calls again...........!

But God prompted me to stop and look at what is obvious--4 children who love us and are growing, a long-suffering husband, plenty to eat, a warm bed (I love my bed), His presence and knowledge of His love and Fatherhood and desire to take care of me; a beautiful spring day and ability to see the snow-covered mountains as I attempt to take my daily 2 mile walk.

When I stand back to make a list of all the ways I am blessed, my heart eases and my spirit fills with gratefulness--

but I needed that moment to consider, to count my blessings over my cup of coffee--it was essential.

And so, the rest of the day, I will "lighten up" in order to make it through it all with grace---because when I am sad or overwhelmed, everyone feel guilty. And when I am happy, all feel happier.

Hope you are all faring well and enjoying this spring day.

Thanks for your patience with me and all of you who are praying, and helping with all the issues of ministry and life on my plate this season. I so appreciate you and love you with all of my heart!

Own your life today, this day. Own your attitudes. Own your legacy. Own your ability to have joy.

So tomorrow I will smile more, kiss more cheeks, breathe in grace and make it a day to remember. That is what I am going to try to do.

The Fallen Kingdom of Our Home

An unexpected storm--Happy Mother's Day, Colorado--Mother's Day, 2015

"In this world you have tribulation, but take courage, I have overcome the world." Jesus

Seems I never know when a storm will come into my life interrupting my plans, my days, my expectations. I had a reasonably calm mother's day planned with a couple of my children, and all sorts of challenges small and big, have interrupted my plans today!

As a matter of fact, the last few days have had so many "interruptions" that I have not announced the winners yet, have not even picked them, and will not be able to until I am back in Colorado on Tuesday.

Yet, I am "the mama," the one who helps right the wrongs, listens to hearts, prays, laughs, gives all of myself, even on Mother's Day, because it is part of my learned role--to care for those in my charge as Jesus did--even in the midst of an unexpected storms of life.

Right in the smack dab middle of Jesus loving, teaching, encouraging, and training his disciples, they simply embark on crossing the familiar lake where they have lived all of their lives, and suddenly a life-threatening storm overtakes them.

What could Jesus possibly be thinking? Does he want to lose all of his disciples at once? Is he trying to discourage them? Afterall, they had given up their whole lives to follow Him. Their hearts were dedicated to worshipping Him. They were busy serving other people---really, now this? Is this any way to treat those who are following you? And so sometimes the "whaps" on our lives feel personal, invasive, too much.

Have you ever felt that way? I have cooked. I have washed dishes. I have lost years of sleep. I have loved and served and given--does anyone notice? Does it matter? --and now this? Another storm? Another problem? The relentlessness of life is about to drown me, Lord. "Do you not care that we are perishing, Lord?" That is the question that we, like the disciples, have on our hearts.

Just when we have the ideals of our lives in place, and we have defined what the Kingdom of home is,  and we determine to commit to creating our homes as a place where the life of Christ will flourish, storms  and battles begin to overtake us, and we feel that we may be overcome.

If you are experiencing weariness of discouragement, it just means you are engaged in the battle. The battle and its raging are not a measure of your success or failure--but how you respond in the battle will determine the outcome. Often, people have said, "Well, I am glad Sally has ideals, but that is not what my life looks like and I don't even know how to get there."

My life was a constant swirl of ideals and reality, grace and storm, walking in faith, and railing against heaven--this is the picture of fighting to bring light into a dark world, and the home is no different.

I know that I am  mixing  metaphors and have moved from storms of life to the battles, but hopefully you know what I mean. But, when we determine to make our homes a place of life, Satan is determined to thwart us. Satan knows that the most precious treasure in God's economy are His children, his handmade creations--those who have souls that will last for eternity. And so the battleground for our future is at the soul level of life.

We are living in homes where the laws of thermo dynamics take place every day--that energy is depleting at a constant rate and everything is moving toward disorder. Knowing this--understanding that it will never change--and give yourself grace. Do not expect perfection. Do not condemn yourself or become angry at your children because they are not perfect.

Walk in grace. Celebrate life. Look for joy in the corners of your life. Always find a friend to pray with, to share life with, who holds your ideals and values. Know that all moms have the same issues--just different puzzles to put together.

Our children are sometimes selfish and sinful, our husbands (and even we) are fallible and imperfect; things fall apart, get broken, cost money, people are unloving, we are unsupported by the culture around us, and we lack support systems to support the ideals we believe.

In order to know how to raise godly children, we must have a refined picture of the ideals we are aiming for, but the second part of being productive in this venture of motherhood is understanding the battle.

All of our homes are broken, our children are broken and without the grace of God, we will not be able to make it. But, I believe, and have seen, that with God on our side, and with faith, our labor is not in vain, and becomes a story of His power and goodness throughout eternity.

Warfare gives us such great examples. A seasoned general becomes astute in battle because he has been successful in weathering many years of battles, and has learned to fight valiantly and enduringly. An officer at war will also not be able to advance in experience and victory if he does not understand and know how to fight against his enemy.

And so, the kingdom of our home is a battlefield from others who would steal our dominion over our family.

Feeling weary or discouraged or inadequate or guilty from failing is a normal part of the process. You are in training. Engaging in the discipleship of my children became the training ground where little by little I learned what it meant to become a more mature Christian.

But remember this---it is not the people who start the race who win, but those who finish the race.

So, if God calls you to ideals, and you begin running, don't give up--don't quit. Keep building a picture of your ideals, fan the flame of your vision. (More soon about the tension between the vision and the reality of life and how to walk the journey with grace and peace.)

I am discombobulated, writing this on the road, between helping a friend, talking on the phone to my sweet ones  today, and just in the midst of so much. And so many interruptions, I can't get it all done--again!  But as a battle worn, officer of life, I know He will be with me. So I will pray for you, you pray for me and for my children who are targets--What stories we shall tell in heaven and how encouraged we will be to understand that those quiet acts of faith, to keep going, to love one more time, to help another, are when life battles were won.

Love and grace to you precious ones who are in the trenches today. I am right there with you.

 Love and prayers going your way today!

Last Day to sign up for mentoring and Book Giveaways!

Our books! Clay, me and Sarah! We shall be giving away 12 books of ours--enjoy!Happy Mother's Day!

I am spending a few days with my sweet children and a very dear friend. These are some of the books we are giving away. We loved the honor or writing them for you! So I will be taking today off!  For more information on our Whole Heart Books, go HERE! Books by Clay Clarkson Books by Sally Clarkson Books by Sarah Clarkson Date added Price: low to high Price: high to low Name: A to Z Name: Z to A Educating the WholeHearted Child SKU APO2958 $20.00 Seasons of a Mother's Heart SKU APO2965 $13.00 Read for the Heart SKU APO2972 $15.50 The Ministry of Motherhood SKU WBP5825 $13.50 The Mission of Motherhood SKU WBP5818 $13.50 Dancing with My Father SKU WBP7066 $13.50 Wisdom Chasers SKU WHP2129 $12.00 The Mom Walk SKU WHP2198 $12.50 Journeys of Faithfulness SKU APO5857 $12.00 Heartfelt Discipline (2014) SKU WHP2235 $14.50 Desperate SKU NEL4663 $15.50 10 Gifts of Wisdom SKU HFG9707 $11.50 Our 24 Family Ways (2014) SKU WHP2150 $15.50 Caught Up in a Story SKU SFB2259 $9.99 Our 24 Family Ways: Kids Color-In Book SKU WHP2112 $5.99 Own Your Life SKU TYN1281 $14.00 We love words. We love messages. We want to inspire. Leave a comment, share on facebook or twitter and you will be entered in the great Mother's Day Giveaway--and 1 mentoring session on the phone with me. Winners announced tomorrow.  Taking Motherhood to Hearts SKU WHP2273 $10.00

The Secret to Raising Children Well! 10 Books to Give Away!

The Darling Wood Girls when I first knew them.

“Prayer is not appointed for providing God with information of what we need, but is designed as a confession to Him of our sense of need.”I will never forget the moment.

A.W. Pink

Nashville sings sweet memories in my heart when I remember the wonderful friends and great memories as I passionately gathered my convictions, dreams and ideals about how to be a godly mama. During that time, the Lord gave me precious friends who shaped their ideals on the same thoughts. Tony and Terri Wood were such friends. Knowing their precious children amidst the fray of our children's young lives and now seeing their family as adults, grown and still intact, is a pleasure of living long enough! But the Woods and Clay and I know that the secret of seeing God work in amazing ways in and through the lives of our children, was our dependence on Him through prayer. I love it when Dad's write heartfelt books from their own life experiences and Tony recently wrote a wonderful book I wanted him to share with you. 

Not only is Tony a committed Dad, but he is also sort of famous to my family. He has been in the music industry for many years, a multiple Dove award winner, a Dove nominee for songwriter of the year, 27 #1 songs, over 600 songs recorded in the CCM market and a staff writer for Word Music.  Tony has written a wonderful book and as a special Mother's Day present to my friends, he has offered to give 10 books to you. I asked him to share part of his story here. 

Here is a part of his story!

It was one I had hoped to experience . . . one I had thought about often. Then, there it was, “We’re pregnant!” A thrill of joy, a rush of unbelievable gratitude, tears of shared happiness . . . then followed by a cold crashing wave of absolute terror!! What have I done? What do I know about raising a child? I’m suddenly in way over my head. Completely unqualified!

 Who really feels adequate for raising a child?

Like on so many occasions when life it overwhelming, it sent me to my knees. “God, I need you. I need your wisdom, I need your help, I need your strength . . . I am aware of my lack of these things and of your sufficiency for all of them.”

These were my first prayers about parenting . . . if you don’t count the prayers asking for the privilege of becoming a parent. My first prayers were actual declarations of my inability . . . my shortcomings . . . my need. Though through the years there would be many other kinds of prayers (gratitude for God’s goodness, provision and protection of my kids; confession for times I blew it as a dad . . .), declarations of my need would form the basis for decades of talking to God about my children . . . and my children would give me plenty of reasons to cry out to Him!

Among the moments I remember along the way: a daughter who is such an adventurous spirit that she didn’t mind climbing over the fence on a stranger’s property to jump on the back of a horse just to see if she could ride it; a daughter who had heard the gospel on countless occasions and was into her teenage years and still saying “I think I’m just not ready”; a petite daughter who delighted in playing on the high school rugby team; a daughter who lost passion for her chosen profession during her senior year in college . . . . . all of these, among thousands of other big and small requests, kept my wife and I on our knees together and individually.

I was able to draw upon these moments, and a thousand other incidents recently to write prayers on over two hundred topics to help other parents (and grandparents) in praying for their children. My book A PARENT’S BOOK OF PRAYERS has a format similar to JESUS CALLING but is one prayer a day highlighting some present or future need in your child’s life.

Find it and buy it here:

http://www.aparentsbookofprayers.com

It’s my prayer that this resource will help others to be more diligent and faithful in prayer for their children.

Tony Wood

http://www.tonywoodonline.com/index.php

To enter to win a copy of this book, leave a comment about yourself or your family and share on facebook and twitter. If you leave a comment here today, you will also be entered for winning a free phone mentoring session with me.

Hope it's you! :)

Celebrating You Today! A Grand Mother's Day Giveaway--2nd Day!

 

Remember if you comment any day this week, you will be entered for a personal phone mentoring session with me!

Today, comment on Desperate,any other of my books, share on facebook or twitter,  and you will be entered for the giveaway--giving away 10 books of mine and another 5 you will be happy to have.

You precious mamas matter so much. Your work is eternal. Your children will stand on your shoulders and bring light to the world. Blessings and blessings to you this week as we celebrate motherhood and as we celebrate you!

Celebrating You this Mother's Day! A Grand Giveaway! Motherhood Matters!

 

John Haynes Williams

As I look upon the landscape of our culture, more than anything else, adults who love God with all of their hearts, who practice righteousness, who have a heart to reach others, who stand strong against the moral battles of this day, are what is most desperately needed in our world. God intended for righteousness to be passed on from one generation to the next by discipling those children who would become these adults. It would be they would effectively  pass on God's Kingdom messages and values and loyal allegiance to Him to those in their own generation. The key to building healthy, godly souls comes from growing to maturity in a home where this life of Christ is lived, breathed and taught.

Mothers were God's finest idea of how such a legacy would be passed on each generation.

Mothers were designed by Him to shape and influence the hearts of children who would become the next generation of godly leaders in the sanctuary of their own homes.

Mothers have the capacity to inspire messages of truth and hope, to model love and servant leadership, to build mental and academic strength by overseeing the education of her children, to lead in faith and to build a haven of all that is good, true and beautiful.

Satan would love to obscure such an important calling so that generations could not be so well built. He would diminish marriage, having children, family, our walk with God and loyal love, the glue that holds all of these relationships together.

Yet, this is exactly why it is so important that mothers today receive instruction, encouragement, support and wisdom so that they can continue this great calling in their lifetime, so that history will mark her investment by the lives her children are enabled to lead.

 However, I would say, one of my most fulfilling works of life, more of a blessing than I would ever have imagined, is to have built with Clay, these wonderful children into godly adults. What blessing and love God had in mind when He gifted me my children as the best work of faith I will probably ever do!

My prayer for you, this mother's day, is that you will embrace your eternally significant role, and that you will know just how much your children are hoping you will be faithful to God. Your faithfulness insures that they may be trained in spiritual strength, moral excellence and the influence of righteousness. I pray that every day, you will have vision for understanding how very much each day of your faithful serving as a mom matters to God and to His wonderful plan to create us for this role.

I wish each of you a blessed Mother's day. I pray my books will be of great encouragement and give you hope and confidence to become the mom He created you to be. May He bless and bless each of you with wisdom, strength and great joy!

In light of this important day of celebration, I would like to give away one of each of my books. I will be writing about different ones each day. My final gift will be a phone mentoring session with whoever wins--a call from me to you! Winners will be chosen at random and I will announce winners Friday in my blog post. Stay tuned for some surprise giveaways.

Mission of Motherhood is one of the most significant books I have written. I wanted moms to know how important their design was, from God's point of view, in shaping the souls of the next generation. I wrote this book to throw light on this eternal significance as well as to give a map, a plan for what it means to fulfill God's mission for us. In Mission, you see the amazing role of the mother as she shapes the heart, mind and soul of children.

Excerpt from the Mission of Motherhood:

"Home--it's such a beautiful word! It's the corner of our lives, the place that holds us with invisible strings of love within its walls. Home is the place where the delectable smells and tastes of "my favorite food" linger; where the comfort and beauty of "my room" and "my bed" can be enjoyed, where "my dreams" are inspired and begin to grow, where bedtime routines, prayers, and blessings give comfort, where the intimacy of deep relationships--unconditional love, grace, forgiveness, encouragement, unselfishness, laughter, and memories--is shared with people who have made us a priority in their lives. Its where appetites for favorite music, movies, books, games, art and traditions are shaped from infancy on up.

Home is a haven from a world that is swimming with challenges and difficulty. It is a school where one learns how precious life is intended to be. It provides the context of learning to know and love my Creator, the beauty of the world He made, and His Word, which guides me. And it is the environment where direction and purpose and values are passed from generation to generation protecting and preserving all that is precious in life."

Ministry of Motherhood is the book I wrote to help mothers understand the process of discipleship in the lives of their children by pondering the process of discipleship of Jesus with his own followers. Passing on GIFTS of eternal influence is the model of this book.

"Jesus was going to transfer to His disciples the responsibility of taking God's message of redemptive love to the world. But instead of just telling them what to do, harshly commanding their allegiance with orders and threats or guilt and manipulative statements, He chose to tie the cords of His heart to theirs with the strong and unbreakable bond of a loving, serving relationship.

Jesus spent His last night on earth with His disciples in service to them. How powerful their memories of that night must have been--the King of the whole universe touching and rubbing their dusty feet and gently drying them with a towel. Their Lord and Master breaking the loaf of bread and serving each of them for the celebrated feast of Passover.

Jesus' example of servant leadership set Him apart from so many historical religious leaders. He was not a God who lorded it over His followers and demanded they follow Him or coerced their obedience through authoritarianism and fear. Instead, He called them to the excellence of holiness and yet lovingly served them in order to win their hearts and show them the means of reaching others' hearts as well.

Contemplating the hearts of my own children and seeking to teach them about the grace of God, I realize my love and service to them must come before any of my great words, my teaching and training. My time, my attention, my "soft-tickling"--even when I am tired or have other "important" things n my mind--is what builds our relationship and prepares them to listen to what I have to say. Only then, once the wells of their need are filled with the grace of being loved, will my words to them about God's grace finally make sense."

 ~ from The Ministry of Motherhood

Own Your Life, as most of you know, is my most recent book. Women need to have a complete vision for their whole lives, and understand how to engage their lives in a close, vibrant relationship with God, so that they can experience His favor, blessing, purpose and love. This book is an overview of my life at 60 years old, of what matters most.

“Praying with You Lord, so often we are overwhelmed by all the tasks ahead of us. Today help us to turn our eyes to You so that we can discern between the truly important tasks and those that will not add any real value to our lives. May we look to You as our Peace today. Amen.” ― Sally Clarkson, Own Your Life: Living with Deep Intention, Bold Faith, and Generous Love

TO ENTER TO WIN 2 OF YOUR FAVORITE OF THE BOOKS I HAVE WRITTEN, (ONE FOR YOU AND A FRIEND--OR GIVE THEM TO SOMEONE YOU KNOW NEEDS THEM IF YOU HAVE THEM ALL!)

AND TO ENTER TO WIN A PRIVATE PHONE MENTORING SESSION WITH ME, ABOUT ANYTHING YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT OR ASK, 

*SHARE ON FACEBOOK OR TWITTER, AND LET US KNOW YOU HAVE SHARED BY LEAVING A COMMENT.

*LEAVE A COMMENT ABOUT YOUR FAVORITE BOOK I HAVE WRITTEN AND WHY AND YOU WILL BE ENTERED. 

WINNERS OF ALL PRIZES THIS WEEK WILL BE ANNOUNCED ON MY FRIDAY BLOG. HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

Will Training: Understanding the ways and vocabulary of God Part 2

Exhausting, long, constant are some of the words I would use to  describe my year. As our children have moved into adulthood, Clay and I have upped our work in our ministry-more books, more blog posts, more launches, more international meetings, and sometimes the drain of it catches up with us.

A few weeks ago, I awakened one morning and rolled out of bed slowly, looking forward to a cup of tea and a few minutes to gather my wits about me before I started another long day. Joy was home from college. As I walked down the stairs, I heard soft acoustic music gently bringing peace to our living room. On the table was my favorite tea cup, steam coming out, with a rose standing tall in a crystal vase, and Joy smiling up at me.

"I wanted to surprise you and make you your first cup of tea."

"You know, mama, I look back over all of our years at home, and I didn't ever appreciate all the ways you intentionally shaped our lives. The devotionals every morning, the thousands of hours of reading together, the constant training in work that irritated all of us, the prayers at my bed every evening, the thousands of hours you spent personally talking to me and training me. Now that I am out in the world, I realize what a heritage of wisdom and faith you built through every fiber of our lives. Every day, I hear your voice, know how to discipline myself, understand hard work, know how to love and forgive-so much more. But most of all, thanks, mama. It all mattered!"

It is such a sweet satisfaction when someone encourages us in our hard work, so I savored that moment. When we train our children in righteousness, it goes deeply into the brain patterns of their minds, gives their heart a vocabulary about God, so that when they respond to His call, the ways of God are familiar. And training teaches our children the wisdom of how to live life every day. So now, the rest of the blog post.

My living room, a china cup of tea, candles and fire lit and music playing--such a grace that morning.

Part 2: Will training and learning the vocabulary of God

Very young children, toddlers, don't always process our wishes--sometimes when they are distracted, it takes their brain a 30 seconds to a minute to understand. We need to exhibit appropriate patience and gentleness to toddlers and babies so that they will learn to be gentle and loving. We also learned that we could distract our children to help them learn patience. "Mommy wants you to wait until I have finished talking to my friend. Here is a small cup of fruit and cheese. I would like you to sit on my lap (or in your high chair) and when you get through with your cup, it will be time for me to be finished with my work."

When we were in church or a meeting, we would talk to the kids about how long they needed to be quiet and listen-we prepared them to know what to expect before we got into a situation. Clay made a "brief-case"--each a different color--a favorite Christmas gift--for each child that traveled with them for long meetings or times in the car or waiting at the doctors. We would look for fun puzzle books or coloring books or hand toys or a little legos or car, colored pencils, sewing cards, etc. We would pull these out for the kids to use when we visited others or had a situation that would require them to wait patiently. They never got to use these other times so that they always felt special--the quiet bags!

Training our children to our expectations also helped. "We will be in the grocery store for about a half hour. Here is a cup of cheerios that you can nibble while we are inside. If you stay patient and quiet for Mom, then when we are through, I will take you to the park and we can swing for a few minutes. If you choose to fuss, I we will have to go home.  (or whatever consequences fit the plan.) "Can you help mama get this done quickly by sitting still today?"

Before we went to someone's house for dinner or before we had guests, we told the children what to expect. "Tonight, Mommy and Daddy are having some grown up friends over for dinner. We want you to serve them the rolls, Sarah; Joel, you greet them at the door and ask if you can get them a drink, and Nathan, you think of one question to ask our guest so that you can get to know them better. Let's use our best grown up manners.

"This means eating your meal quietly, listening to the conversation and not interrupting too much, but we do love it when you participate and listen. I may not be able to serve you for a little while, so please wait until I serve my guests, and waiting until Mommy can serve you.  If you can practice your good company manners and sit at the table without fussing, like grown ups, then you can stay up an extra hour tonight to play! If you interrupt us too much, or choose to fuss,  you will have to go to bed at the regular time and stay in your room and play until bedtime."

"I hope tonight will be fun for you. I love having you meet my friends and I am hoping you can choose to obey mama and daddy tonight."

"Now, tell me what I want you to do tonight."

Helping our children know what we expected of them in most situations before they happened gave them guidelines to follow. God was also this kind of trainer--he was very specific in the law to teach his children how to live life well and so we sought to let our children know, without fail, to know what the guidelines and expectations would define their lives.

We could gently correct them and help them develop life and relational skills gradually and systematically every day. This is what the verse means, train up a child in the way he should go---giving them patterns of life, relationships, ministry, relating to the Lord, over and over and over again, so that the patterns of righteousness we are training into their lives becomes familiar and second nature.

I am amazed now, at how naturally our children are in  ministry relationships. Each year before our conferences, we would instruct all them as to what to say to the adults they served, how to greet them, how to help them in our book store, how to set up the luncheons, and how to prepare something to speak or sing or read for our conferees.  We told them we could not do the conferences without them. Joy would pass out chocolates from a basket and had so much fun being the "Hostess" to greet people. The older kids loved working the book store as it made them feel quite adult. We always did something fun afterwards to thank them for helping so much.

Now, each of them, having been trained and corrected and rewarded and engaged in their parts of the conferences, added this experience to their souls and it became a natural part of their life's expression. Each step along the way did not seem like we were necessarily making great headway, but after years of consistent training and experience, they became like the lives we required them to live.

Training does not lead to salvation. But when the Holy Spirit stirs in their hearts, and our children respond to His calling, His ways and the obedience to follow Him, is already familiar. Some of the training simply leads to living in wisdom and making wise choices. The Holy Spirit takes my words and efforts and transfers the truth of His words into their hearts as they mature.

Often, I see parents reacting to their children and blasting all over them harshly or on the opposite side, because the children were just acting out what they were natural at--immaturity--but had never been given guidelines and training. Or the other extreme is parents meeting their child's every whim or not correcting them and finding children exhaust them. (All of our children exhaust us some of the time and all children resist training, even as I do the Lord. Sometimes I just want Him to make my life easy--and my bad attitude shows.)

Sometimes when people find out that Clay and I are grace-based in our approach to parenting, people assume that that means lenient and undisciplined. However, we were very idealistic and had high expectations for our children, but we instructed them through consistent training, not primarily through force and multiple spankings but through relational discipleship based training.

Our philosophy also looked at each child differently--as an individual--so that we could best figure out what appealed to and reached teh heart of each child. Introverts responded differently and behaved differently than our extroverts. Boys were differently wired than our girls. Learning issues and maturity levels greatly influenced a child's ability to be mature. All factors which cause us to understand that we needed to appeal to each child's heart based on knowing the heart of each child.

No matter what philosophy we as parents have for disciplining children, we need to remember that our goal isn't primarily to make them obey, but to motivate them to obedience from a sincere and loving heart. I did always feel that if I expected them to learn self-control and the ability to work harder, I also had to be sure I was meeting their essential needs in order to expect them to perform well. I needed to give them a routine life--plenty of sleep, naps when tired, not too much over-stimulation, nutritional food, life-giving, soul-filling words--so that their bodies could support my ideals and expectations for them as a mom. If they were exhausted because of being out too late, then if they cried, I would put them to bed--they didn't need discipline, they needed to go to sleep.

Bottom line, discipline is more about relational righteousness training and taking time to instruct, train, praise and correct and strengthening a child's moral character and will through the variety of all the moments of life, than a list of rules about and mandates about when and how long to spank or punish. The Holy Spirit grants each parent wisdom how to apply Biblical principles of training to each parent according to their own puzzle and their unique children--it can look different for each family and each child, but all philosophies that focus on reaching and training the heart, have a deeper influence on the outcome of the child's soul. I have learned so much from reading scripture and pondering God's parenting of me. May He give all of us grace and skill and patience!

Happy Weekend.

Don't be hard on yourself. There is lots of time to keep growing so we can become the mamas Jesus made us to be. Praying for all of you sweet ones today.

Buy my newest book HERE.

Discipline: Strict or Grace-based? Somewhere in between--Adults & Children

Nathan, Sarah, Joy and Joel, a few years ago--one of my favorite pictures--Yes, they are still pals and love being together.

"You train your children all the time, every time I am with you! I thought if you were "grace-based" that you probably never corrected them!"

On most theological issues, I almost always find myself in the middle of two extremes. I neither adopted lenient discipline, nor adhered to harshness, and adversarial discipline.

Seems our culture is prone to going to extremes. Especially in child-discipline. And can I also add that we adults are God's children, and He is in the process of disciplining us all the time, every day, all seasons. The answer lies in pondering God and His ways of dealing with us.

We read in Hebrews 12:11:

"No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening--it's painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way."

In another version, we read that afterward, "it produces a peaceful fruit of righteousness."

God's ultimate goal for us is to live up to our spiritual potential, to become like Him, like Jesus.

God disciplines us for our good, Hebrews tells us. As I look at my adult life, I can see that God has rarely taken me off the hook. He allows circumstances, trials, tests of every kind in my life to train and prepare me to be more like Jesus. He sees such amazing potential in my life because He knows He gave each of His children the potential to be spiritually strong, emotionally healthy, with an excellent moral character. So He trains and instructs and gives us lots of practice at growing strong inside.

But, he also works through my will. I have to decide to obey, trust, endure the training, have a good attitude, accept difficulties, learn to love as His spirit leads me to maturity. Much like what we do with our children.

But He also lavishes love, favor, pleasure, beauty on all of us and spends His life redeeming us and showing us His amazing love. It is not one or the other--neither strictness alone or grace  without training.

It is both training in righteousness and loving unconditionally and working hard to help build character.

How did you raise your children to be godly? How often did you discipline them? Was it every time?

Always, women want a formula, as it would make life so much easier. But, my answer would be that I studied and pondered God as a Father, His character, His ways, Jesus' life and model of training, loving, serving, correcting His own disciples. But training is a key component in scripture that is often left out of the argument of discipline.

Not too long ago, I was meeting with a sweet mom in a coffee shop and she brought her two children along. They were sweet children, but they were all over her and ran her ragged. I was talking with my older children later about it and asked them what we did differently because I knew I would never have let my children behave this way in public--it would have been too draining for me.

It was humorous to hear how opinionated they were, but it also reminded me how intentionally we taught them to be patient and to wait their turn--because they all remembered it the same way. It is the concept that I call self-government--probably a Victorian character quality that I read about along the way and in a book about the principle approach to life.

The definition of self-government is the idea that a person learns to command himself, his impulses, his work habits, his emotions, His intellect and talents and rule over his will in a productive way. Children can begin this at a very early age, but it is also of utmost importance to adults--as one cannot be a mature believer unless one has mastered self-government and self-control and patience.

The idea behind self-government is that all of us have a power and authority over life that comes from within that can help us to master problems, obstacles, and can use our self-will to achieve great things.

Adults who make excuses for their lives or always blame others for their unhappiness or irresponsibility, find themselves like the little children, unruly, unhappy, and whining always about life.

Becoming spiritually strong is not about gutting out life in the flesh without the power of God, but it is the idea that we have a moral character that can be strengthened and under girded by our will and by practice. He who has cultivated this kind of strong character is useful and productive in almost all areas of life. It is what helps a believer to exercise faith and courage and perseverance in the midst of trials. It is what helps a pianist to practice long hours, an athlete to exercise rigorously in order to become a champion, a missionary to master a language and remain faithful in a foreign country until there is a multiplying ministry; a wife to bear up with grace when married to an immature husband; a mother who continues over and over to practice patience with a sick or rebellious child--governing life by mature, faith-based choices, not by feelings.

An effective way that we taught this to our children was through training. Usually it started out with will-training. The biblical principle for this is found in Deuteronomy 30: 15-20:

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the Lord your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the Lord your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess.

But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess.

This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live and that you may love the Lord your God, listen to his voice, and hold fast to him. For the Lord is your life, and he will give you many years in the land he swore to give to your fathers, Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

. God tells the Israelites to obey Him, and if they do, they will be blessed. If they don't obey, they will be cursed--there were consequences to their decisions. So He says, "So choose life and obey me so that you may live!" Similarly, in life all choices have consequences. Our children need to understand that "what we sow we will reap."

I used to say to my children over and over again. "Daddy and I cannot make you into great people. You have the power to determine how strong you become by how you exercise your will. We can train you and teach you how to be good and how to be righteous, but you have to decide to obey and you have to decide that you want to become a person of godly character. God made you such a wonderful child, so I hope you will decide to do your best to become all that you can be. It is in your hands. It is yours to decide to respond, but I am praying and hoping that you will."

When we appeal to our children's hearts for excellence and choices of good behavior, then we are giving them the will and desire to be excellent all for themselves. Their desire comes from within and their motivation is from their heart. But if we train them behaviorally by always forcing them to do what we want them to do because they might get a spanking, or another kind of threatened discipline, then their motivation is to avoid spanking or harshness but not to please God or to please their parents, by having a good heart and responding in obedience.

This works itself out practically by helping them to train their wills to develop strength and self control. Our children always remember us saying all the time, "You have a choice to make. If you obey me, then you will be blessed. But if you choose to disobey me, then you are choosing disciplinary consequences that will be unpleasant." for instance, if a toddler was whining, I would say, "Mommy is allergic to a whiny voice. If you can stop whining and use a normal voice, I will listen to you. If you want to keep crying and whining, then you must go to your room and when you can calm down, I will listen to you." At which point, I would take the toddler and place them in their room in their crib.

Even our toddlers learned the self-control of calming down and responding in a normal voice--gaining control of their little spirits. Or, "If you don't get your work finished by lunch time, then you will stay in your room and work alone while the rest of the children go outside for a picnic." Or if you don't get your chores finished, then you will have to clean the whole kitchen again tomorrow night, since you are showing me you need more practice. We wanted our children to find internal motivation to obey us and to learn that there were positive and negative consequences to their choices--just like in scripture. (Now, of course, the key to this is being consistent and following through unless there are mitigating circumstances--a child is ill, exhausted, overstimulated--often because the parent led the child to be overstimulated or exhausted because of a demanding and busy schedule--sometimes the only recourse a child has is to cry or complain if they have become physically or emotionally spent because of too much activity and demands on their young body.) There was always room for grace in our family, depending on the circumstances. But generally speaking, our children learned to expect us to be consistent.

This is the end of Part 1--Part 2 will be on Friday. 

If you want to win your child's heart, don't go by the rules

TWINS! A Sweet Friend's twins at a Bible study this week. Precious!

Motherhood is about the reaching hearts, not about performance! My thoughts are long, but I hope you will be encouraged. Tell me what you think!

I remember when I first took Sarah into my arms. I was literally shocked at how much love I felt for her. I kissed her over and over and wept and held her and sang to her and stroked her at every moment. I was not prepared for my heart to be filled with so much wonder, such depth of emotion. Maybe it was because I was in my 30's and had wanted to get married for so long, and now found myself starting a family, which was a miracle to me. A baby from my own body created a life in the love channels of my heart that is beyond explanation.

When a baby is welcomed into the world and cherished and embraced and prayed over, it begins a pattern in the baby's brain that literally communicates and establishes brain pattern expectations of life: I am loved, I feel good, it makes me happy, I belong. These very patterns cause that same baby to already have patterns of significant theological implications that will be responded to when this same child is confronted with the reality of God. He is love, He accepts me, I have a place to belong, I can feel good about responding back to God's love, as it is already familiar to my brain.

When babies begin growing, and the issues of child discipline and training come to the fore, I have observed that many often leave that relational, heart-felt attachment and begin to behave differently toward them. I have seen that many, many moms, because they do love their babies and want to get it right, begin at a very early age responding and initiating to these very babies as though they are a challenge to be overcome, a contestant to be rulled over. And since there are so many extra-biblical books of advice (suggestions--but not necessarily taking into account the full counsel of scripture), abound in Christian circles, the moms follow the rules and expectations of the voices they are reading and hearing. We all long for an easy formula to make parenting quick, predictable, and long lasting.

I do not see that in my own relationship with God as my Father. He works slowly in my life to train, love, test, teach and to conform me to the image of Christ. It is little by little, bit by bit, one lesson at a time.

However, in all relationships, (parenting, friendship, marriage, work), people are designed by God to respond from their heart. If their hearts are attached and served by the people relating to them, and their felt needs are met, people will tend to respond to the one who shows them the most love.

Let me give you an example. I Suppose my husband came to me at home and said, "Now, Sally, we are married and I am your husband and these are my standards of what I expect in our home. I want a clean house, a homemade dinner on the table, with my preferences for food, I expect you to rule over the children so that they will behave, memorize scripture, be read to, learn to play a musical instrument well, be mannerly, have godly character and learn a good work ethic.

Since we are also a Christian home, I expect you to read a chapter of the Old Testament every day and a chapter of the New Testament and I want the kids to have 3 books of the Bible memorized by the time they are 10. I will be checking with you every day to correct anything you have done that is not up to my standards and I expect you to live up to these goals because you are my wife. We are a Christian family and if we keep all of these ideals, our children will turn out to be moral, spiritual, hard working adults, agreed?

What if, then,  every day when my husband would come to me, he would say, I noticed that someone left a sock on the den floor and you have not succeeded yet in training our children well. And I also did not appreciate that fast food dinner last night--it had 1000 grams of saturated fat and was filled with chemical additives and I think you are becoming a little bit lazy for not making me a homemade meal,  and I noticed that two of the kids misspelled a word on their thank you notes to the grandparents,and and and.................and you need to work harder, get up earlier, make a better schedule, as we are falling behind on our goals. And so goals given to me as a list by a husband who dictated what my behavior should be, without consideration of a relationship, would produce death, not life in my relationship to him.

I would never flourish in this kind of relationship--feeling always a failure, always a disappointment and eventually I would feel like giving up.

This kind of  a relationship would demoralize me very quickly and defeat me and cause me to begin building up anger because the standards would be so far beyond what I could attain with me being a limited, sinful selfish human being and my children also being immature, and unable to keep up with these high standards. These standards would also become horrible to me--put me in an emotional prison and take away the joy from my life or from holding ideals at all.

All of these ideals are good as goals--they are filled with sound wisdom and can provide life and instruction, but these laws would kill my soul if they were not given through a relationship of mutual love and respect.

However, imagine if my husband invited me out to my favorite restaurant for dinner. When I got there, if he had a vase with a beautiful rose on the table, a tiny gift wrapped up with ribbon, a new ipad with my wonderful playlists of music downloaded,  with a tiny speaker playing my favorite music, my heart would immediately be engaged. Now, if during the dinner we shared together, my husband communicated his love of me, his special commitment to me, his delight in me, I would have a heart ready to respond to ideals.

Then if he said, "I want you to know that I am so excited to build a family with you. I will be here to support you in all of your hard work. I will see that you don't become exhausted. I will be your partner in this and we will build a great legacy together. We will not be able to accomplish this all at once, but I want to spend a lifetime with you building our dreams and vision. Whenever you need me, I will be there because I love you so much."

Now, I am not writing this post to cause anyone to feel depressed because this is not their husband---there is no perfect husband and they all need grace like we do. I don't think this perfect husband exists--it was just an example! :)

But, as one of my friends has said many times, "A woman will do so much for so little if a man will just learn how to woo, love and communicate appreciation."

And so of course, when I feel cherished I am much more likely to give my all, especially if I have time  to grow and develop and get rest along the way.

But God is that kind of lover.

He is a provider (look at nature--the garden, color, food that he crafted for our pleasure.)

He gave us ideals and purpose, as we see through scripture.

He saw that we were lost and falling and ultimately, so He came amongst us, giving up any comfort or honor that He held in heaven.

He served, washed feet, fed, laughed with, lived with, encouraged his own precious disciples.

Similarly, our life with God is not measured  in the rules or goals or laws that he gives. But, as the author of these ideals, and bound up in His love and care for us, God uses truth to work on our hearts in  relationship as a friend to his disciples, a husband for the bride of Christ, a friend of the common people with whom he broke bread.

But He comes as the servant king, the one who lays down His life, the one who is humble and meek.

As a good parent, God gives us wisdom and guidance so that our lives will be healthy, strong, protected.

So God becomes our pattern for parenting.

He served and loved and sacrificed and gave of Himself, so that we would long to be holy out of our gratitude and reverence and love for Him, who provided us with everything. He called His disciples to serve, to love, to give and to be holy. He did instruct them and train them, but it is no wonder they wanted to follow them to their deaths. He gave them true life, beauty, love that filled their deepest needs and longings to live a purposeful life.

And so after 3 years of intense friendship, when he said, "Greater love has no one than this, that a man lays down his life for his friend," they had heard it, seen if modeled, felt the benefit of it, seen the integrity of it in their teacher, and so they willingly embraced this high ideal.

Consequently, it is not in getting the rules right or in defining all of the right ways to do things, or believing perfect theology that will make our children want to serve God.

It is in laying down our life for them,

serving them,

listening to them,

giving them our time,

loving who God made them within their limitations,

calling them to holiness as we model integrity and worship in front of them,

that will secure in them a desire to love God with all of their hearts.

By seeing our love, they will more easily understand and receive God's love, as it will already be familiar to their hearts and brains because they have seen it and experienced it every day.

Something I have been pondering today.....