Releasing Control of Our Children

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I am missing my children so much right now as we are unable to see one another “in real life", as they are truly my best friends. But as I have talked to them all over the past weeks, one thing I keep being made aware of is how little "control" we have over our children.

So, I have been pondering a few things I wish I had known more about as a younger mom.

It is easy to develop ideals when you have little ones about how your children's  lives will look when they become older--their friends, college, meeting a mate, having good health, flourishing in their jobs, that they will live nearby or attend the church you attend—all kinds of things come to mind. But these expectations are often disappointed when our children enter their adult worlds. We must have a truly Biblical perspective of this world, an understanding of this being the temporary place.

"Lay up your treasures in heaven" must be a grid through which we look at life as we lead our children day by day.

We can control some of the external circumstances of our young children by directing their schedules and making choices for them, but ultimately, they will all have to grow up and stand on their own two feet. And they must learn to develop their own "muscle" and learn to walk their own walk of faith with God if they are ever going to be strong. We cannot do that for them.

This generation of young adults (of which some of you are!)  is facing very serious moral dilemmas, leadership crises of every kind, a most-prevalent humanist worldview, breakup of the family, economic problems, and more. And so I have learned, as have all the other friends I have who have adult children, that we cannot control everything in the world that our young adult children will inherit. So we must do our best to prepare them to know how to manage their lives in the world they will be entering.

Life will never be "fair" to us, in this fallen world. This is so important for children to understand. If we do not prepare our children with appropriate expectations of what the world will hold for them, it is like sending a private into a major battle without training, experience, reinforcements, confidence, or a plan. Teaching our children to be spiritually strong is not about having them keep the right rules. A living, active relationship with God which is their own, is our goal. We will be sending our children out into the world as sheep to wolves, unless we train them in character and prepare their expectations along the way, so that the "world" will not be a surprise.

Moms who are helicopter parents—who hover over their children, make all the decisions for their children, protect their children from every possible hurt, meet all their children's needs and thereby create a sense of unearned "entitlement" — are preparing them for a disastrous future. If our children are going to be generals in this battle of life, they must go through life training to prepare them to be able to stand strong--and to know what to expect from the enemy.

This world a place of battle for souls, for ideals, for faith, for stability. It seems there is compromise in the lives of believers at every point. All of my adult children have been confronted with myriads of very serious problems and choices at each step of the way, along with the loneliness that comes from living a life of ideals and faith in a generation of young adults who do not value those ideals.

So, what can a mom do? I think one of the most important roles of a mom is begin by giving her children to God, and then praying seriously and intentionally for her children, with an understanding that apart from Him, and His intervention and grace, our children have no hope. No formula is ever going to be perfect enough to insure their insulation from a very difficult world.

Next comes loving God with integrity and intentionality in front of them, so they will learn a life of faith from us and want to love the God we love, even if that desire takes time to surface.

We also need to teach them how to walk with God on their own, so they can pour out their hearts and souls to Him for themselves, so God can guide them and speak to the issues of their lives. When our children face these very challenging places, they will need to have the means of finding wisdom from the Word of God for themselves. We can give them this habit by allowing them to see us practicing it in our own lives.

But there is one more central issue for passing on a strong foundation: we must teach them to live for God's kingdom and for eternity. Trying to build a kingdom in this world is vain—empty, and if we pass on worldly values to our children, they may never find what they are looking for, as this world will not ultimately satisfy.

No one person will ever be able to fill all their needs or make them happy (the world's picture of a romantic life.)  And no amount of "things" or status will satisfy their souls. So, we must help them to understand that "He who loses his life for the sake of the gospel is the only one who will gain his life,” as Jesus taught.

To live for the kingdom gives us hope that somehow, even in this broken place with broken people, our lives can have meaning in light of eternity.  This is a secret for helping our children flourish in their lives amidst all of the challenges they will face--to give them a heart that understands eternal consequences, and to encourage them to live their lives writing a story that will follow them into heaven for all time.

Finally, a mom is called to intercede for her children, to champion her children and give courage and love and hope and strength each step of the way, because we are to be the companions of spiritual strength and hope our children need even after they move on from our homes! We are to help our children keep loving God, by loving them and bringing life to their souls, bodies, and emotional needs, as long and as much as we can, so they will never have to feel alone or unchampioned in this life. A mama's responsibility is never over ‘til she goes to see Jesus, herself.

And so, we must give up the notion that we will ever be in control of our children's lives, but we hold fast to the understanding that we are God's servants of grace to them as long as we live. And that is why He thought moms were such a good idea when He made the first woman and called her the mother of all the living.