“Mama, do you still love me?” is the question my children have asked me if they have failed or had doubts or stumbled on life’s path—and all of mine have at times and all of our children will.
Love, unconditional, present, active, steadfast is what will keep them coming back. If my heart and life is a safe haven, they will come back because they have learned that I am their forever friend through it all, no matter what. But there are practical ways in which we practice giving love. Here is some of what I have learned.
Time and Availability Whatever the age, children develop better when they know I will make our time together a priority. People grow close not through monitoring one another’s behavior but by working together, playing together, talking together, celebrating together, weeping together. Relationships develop when people are there for each other—and that’s as true for parents and children as it is for anyone else.
Acceptance and Unconditional Love In building meaningful relationships with my children, I must learn to accept unconditionally the person God made each of them to be—even with personality traits that differ from mine or that make me uncomfortable. I need to accept the “warts” and irritating characteristics that may never change. I have to love my children with a mature commitment that reaches past my feelings for them, which can change from circumstance to circumstance.
Affirmation and Encouragement I believe most children are acutely aware of their limitations and their failures. While they often need correction for their mistakes and even confrontation for their sinful selfishness, they also need recognition for their real efforts and accomplishments and positive reminders of who they can be with God’s help.
Grace Our children need us to give them the grace to grow. If we make them think that we expect perfection, then eventually they may give up trying to please us, because they know they will always fail, or they may spend their whole lives feeling guilty for their failures.
Relationship Training We need to consciously train our children in the skills and attitudes that will enable them to sustain positive relationships. A person can only experience true intimacy when his heart has been deepened and exercised in real love and commitment.