“Mama, will you love me forever and ever, no matter what?” was the sincere question of one of my children when they had a very challenging, not the best day. Don’t we all want to know we are loved, as we are no matter what?
Child discipline--what to do, how much, when, how old, etc. —is the topic about which I receive the most emails and messages. The emotional storms, struggle of wills, personality blow ups created many a mysterious and difficult season of storms as I passed through the many seasons of turbulence with my children.
Formulas are so easy, yet God did not give any formulas for child raising—or anything else, for that matter! He wants us to walk by faith.
How our children experience our parenting will very much influence their understanding of what God is like.
How does your child perceive you? As an adversary, ready to catch them doing wrong at any moment, keeping a list of all their sins, reminding them of their wrongs? Shaming them in front of others? Or as an advocate, the one on their team who always believes in them, covering their weaknesses, and drawing out their best?
I recall a season when a couple of new laws were enacted on our local highways. Numerous police cars were added to a stretch of road nearby, and at certain times of the year, we see multiple cars stopped in a two mile stretch. Every time I entered the freeway and see a police car, my heart beat more quickly and I panic a little even though I’m not doing anything wrong! There are times I feel like I must have done something worthy of being stopped. The voices in our heads!!!!!!!!!!
We all can relate to having occasional feelings of unreasonable fear. The sense of being afraid of those in authority is familiar to all of us. Of course, if we speed or drive wildly out of control or run a red light, we should feel guilty because we are worthy of being caught and fined. We may be frustrated, but are also grateful there are policeman to keep us protected and safe.
But when laws are too many and there are “police eyes” everywhere looking for a person to make a mistake, we all feel relieved to get out of the sight-range of potential judgment! This is how young children feel--afraid of their authorities-- if they are nervous in their hearts just wondering what they will do wrong or how they will disappoint or how they will be punished.
Children should know they can trust their parents to help them, instruct them, take care of them, and protect them without the baggage of feeling that impending doom and dissatisfaction is hovering over them whenever their parents are near.
What I have observed is that when children learn to obey mostly when their parents are nearbyy but without their hearts having been reached, then when their parents are out of sight, they feel free to do anything they wish. Their obedience is about external behavior, not internal motivations—just like all drivers will slow down if they see a police car, but may be more likely to speed when they think no one is looking.
And so we must ask ourselves the question, "Does my child see me as an adversary, waiting for him to fail? To do something wrong? To sin?
"My dear children, I write this to you so that you will not sin. But if anybody does sin, we have an advocate with the Father—Jesus Christ, the Righteous One. He is the atoning sacrifice for our sins, and not only for ours but also for the sins of the whole world."~ 1 John 2:1
An advocate is someone who is for you, who defends you, who works for you.
Does my child see me as an advocate, one who comes along beside him, to love and correct gently, to keep him on the path of righteousness, to motivate him in his heart to holiness, to encourage when he is discouraged, to paint a vision for his life and to give him a heart to want to be righteous?
My goal is not to have "good" children, but passionate children, given to His kingdom and His cause--even as the disciples gave their lives for Jesus' kingdom and cause.
Love, affection, a gentle word calms the hormonal storms in our children’s lives and the toddler clouds of our little ones. And so, I must model Jesus' kind of love. Giving of my life, instructing, correcting, certainly. But also modeling, laughing, living, sharing meals. Words of life--"Peter, you are the rock!" "Thomas, you are a man in whom there is no guile." "Mary, your story will be told all over the world." Sarah, you are my treasure, Joel, you are a gift to me.” “Nathan, you are a kindred spirit.” “Joy, you are my twin and I appreciate the person you are.”
As we ponder our role, we must decide what we will model to reach the hearts of our children. The specifics will come, but our hearts need to be right as the source of our action. Even as it cost Jesus His time, effort, love, patience, and life, so if we truly want to see our children become not just Christians who will make it into heaven, but mature believers who will have an impact on their world, then we must serve as Jesus served and become an advocate for them.
Read more about settling the storms of motherhood in Help, I’m Drowning. Get your copy today.
