Learning to be a Selfless mama and basking in the reward (Desperate--Chapter 7)

Everyone home for Thanksgiving and celebrating life together with Christmas around the corner.

Desperate, Chapter 7, Sacrifice in the mundane--on selfishness!

"Greater love has no one than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." John 15: 13

"You call Me Teacher and Lord; and you are right, for so I am. If I then, the Lord and the Teacher, washed your feet, you also ought to wash one another’s feet. For I gave you an example that you also should do as I did to you."

John 13: 13-15

Everyone was expected home any time. Seven of us at every meal plus the 4-10 others of the kids' friends who would just drop in and want something "wondy" to eat, after all, they said, "This is our holiday--our time off!"

Funny how mamas don't get time off on holidays! But, putting one foot in front of the other, willing my tired self,  was familiar and a habit that had served me well. (I had company over the weekend, a dinner for 10 women, and written to a deadline until midnight the night before everyone was due home--not to mention all the cooking and baking.)  The joy set before me--my beloveds, my dearest friends, my children, were all here to celebrate in the love we had created over the years--and this gave me the impetus to keep going a little longer, but with a light  and expectant heart.

Finally the hustle and bustle of everyone arriving home. Eating, movie, desert, dishes, messes, staying up late and talking, followed by the Thanksgiving meal, 17 in the house, cooking and cleaning up again, and finally I fell into bed almost asleep before I hit the pillow at midnight, after having cleaned up the messes again.

Two hours later, I felt a tapping, tapping, tapping on my arm. "Mama, wake up. Please wake up."

I was so deeply asleep, I had trouble figuring out where I was! I opened my thick eyelids, still groggy, and there was Joy's sweet face, eyebrows furrowed and looking intently.

"Mama, would you please get up with me. I hate to wake you up but I need you."

My mind told my body to get out of bed, that this is what I was supposed to do.

By the time I got followed her to her bedroom, I was finally waking up.

"I threw up because I can't breathe very well. I think I just have asthma from a respiratory infection, and if I was at school, I would have just sweat it out, but since I am home, I wanted my "mama" to be with me and comfort me."

And so, for the next two hours, I pampered her as best as possible. Bubbly drink, with straw, puffed up pillows, soft blanket on the couch, soft music, fire in the fireplace, asthma treatment, and endless times of rubbing her head, stroking her brow as when she was a little child.

"Mama, I wasn't so sick that I couldn't have handled it, but I have missed you so much and I just wanted you. Do you mind?

I realized when I was away at college that I always had an expectation that if I needed you in any way, you would always come. And I didn't just need you to take care of me tonight, I wanted to talk to you and just be with you to tell you everything that has been on my hear the last few months. Thanks for letting me know deep inside that I could ask you and know you would comfort me and that you would be willing to be with me--even in the middle of the night. I love you, mama!"

And finally, as the sun was peaking through our windows in soft pinks and purples, her breathing eased, her voice stopped the chatter of a heart shared, and my sweet one, now a young adult, once again fell asleep on my lap, and this time, I relished every minute.

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One of my biggest adjustments to motherhood was the constant giving, giving, giving. I had been the only girl in my family, and the youngest and truly had never been trained or prepared to be a mama. I did not even know I was selfish because I had lived my life pretty selfishly all of my life and had never really been accountable to anyone. But then when I had my children and they were always always always there, I did not have anything in me that knew how to handle the burdens.

When they were very young, I sort of blamed them and became frustrated with them and sometimes felt deep anger--as though it was somehow their faults for being children and needing me. Or even just that they were alive and needy seemed too much. I had never faced my own selfishness until I had children.

Now as an adult, I can see that my children have been my training grounds for building godly character in my own life. Jesus wanted me to learn to be like Him so He gave me children.

When I was so very helpless and overwhelmed and wanted answers, I turned to Him and to the Bible. How did He influence His disciples? How did he lead them in such a way that they all gave their lives to His cause?

Oh, how I wish the answer had been an easier one--Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friend.

And then, He, the God of the universe, knelt down on the dirty floor and washed 120 dirty toes of men feet, the night He was going to sacrifice His life for these very same men!

Oh, Jesus, I never knew this is what it would take to be a true Christian--a believer with integrity. But, if giving up your life is what you did--as you said, for an example for me to follow, then it must become my own standard-the way to reach my own children--to lay down my life....

My time

My body

My energy

My emotions

My things

My dreams

Myself--greater love has no one than this

But, as I look back now, many years and many mistakes later,

Yet many moments of practicing what I knew was right

no sleep, washing one more dish, making one more meal, laughing at jokes, correcting attitudes, hugging, giving words of life, playing, and doing it all over again,

I now have my very own disciples who have given up their lives for His cause.

But now, they are my dearest and best friends and favorite people.

Selflessness, not a popular or contemporary value--Yet, it is what He is like. He only requires from us what He has first given--all of ourselves.

Fellowship with Him through this journey of motherhood, the deep places where our lives finally begin to understand what it took Him to redeem our own lives--the giving up, totally offering up His rights and time for ourselves, His very own children.

"When I finished reading this book, I immediately told Aileen that she would find it rich and encouraging. I want her to read it, because I know it will bless her...I very much enjoyed reading Desperate and am convinced that it will bless and encourage any mother who reads it." -From a review by Tim Challies, Challies.com

 Past Book Study Posts:

Tantrums in Barnes & Noble, The Motherhood Nod, and Being Rocked (Desperate Book Club – Introduction)

Desperate Online Book study, Chapter 1: Ideals and Going Under

Chapter 2: Not a Loner!

Chapter 3: Will We Live By Formula or Faith?

Chapter 4: Light a Candle, Don’t Curse the Darkness (Battling Depression)

Chapter 5: We See the Holes but God Sees the Holy

Chapter 6: Oxen, "Five-sies", and a Foundation of Love

Even The Best of Plans Go Awry

Joy found the tub in the hotel to be the best place to escape from the noise of the rest of us! (She looks so young!)

As we're about to wrap up our final weekend of conferences, the engagements and travels of many years come to mind. One I shared in The Mom Walk, and I thought you might enjoy this story of a time my own ideals proved impossible to reach!

Several years ago, the girls and I were given the wonderful opportunity to travel to Australia for several days of speaking and travel. The plans called for eighteen days of speaking--twenty-nine times total, in five different cities! Obviously we were very excited about the trip. We were dreaming of kangaroos and koalas, exploring places we'd only seen in pictures, and having an adventure together.

Little did we know the adventures would begin before we left the driveway!

I had high ideals for all I could accomplish before we left. Plans to stock the freezer with homemade food, leave the house in tip-top condition, and spend a lot of quality time with the boys (who would remain behind this time) were on my agenda. However, it seems my agenda went unnoticed by several key players.

One morning just before our trip, there was grocery shopping to be done. Opening my car door after an evening of freezing temperatures, I was puzzled by the brown freckles that had apparently appeared overnight--all over every surface of the car! Puzzled, I searched for the source--and found it in an empty Diet Dr. Pepper can. One of the children (names withheld to protect the guilty!) had left an unopened can in the car and the freezing temperatures had caused it to explode!

The very next morning, we returned from church ready to enjoy our usual relaxing Sunday afternoon routine. Heading upstairs to change clothes, I stepped into my bathroom ... and a puddle of water! The entire closet, bathroom, and half my bedroom were sopping wet. Clay shut off the under-sink water valve and ran to the garage to discover that the cold weather had wreaked havoc on our pipes, and there was water spewing all over the furniture, books, and pictures stored there--all precious things in storage between moves, including my library.

So much for a quiet, relaxing afternoon! Ripping up carpet, moving furniture, and frantically moving books and clothing to other rooms became the activity of the day.

By the time we left for our trip, we had eaten fast food for almost every meal, I wracked up a big library fine, got into a useless argument--about clothing!--with one of my teenage sons, and missed a child's piano lesson (which had to be paid for, regardless.) I put my credit card into the receipt outlet at a gas station and had to use my fingernails and a screwdriver to get it out--a little distracted, you say?! There were no meals lovingly stacked in the freezer, and as we drove to the airport, Clay suddenly asked, "What happened in here? This car is filthy! What is that junk all over the dashboard and seats? Good grief, it smells in here."

When I finally settled into my seat, thrilled to just be sitting after the previous several weeks of craziness, I breathed a deep sigh of relief. We were off!

And then, it began. The voice of the enemy and my own inner accusations ...

How can I speak to all these women? We have been in full-time ministry for over thirty years, and I can't even keep the car clean! Why don't I have my act together? What a failure these two weeks have been!

I leaned back into my chair, taking my concerns to my Heavenly Father. What did He think? I opened my Bible, and there was His answer--a comfort to my hear ...

Just as a father has compassion on His children, So the Lord has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust."  ~ Psalm 103:13-14

How I needed that reminder that day! The One who created man and woman from dust knows--remembers!-- that we are dust. Whew!

Now if only I would remember that more often! Now, I wonder, what will this week of conferences hold?! Can't wait to see so many of you this weekend. I so loved being with such precious ones in Dallas.

Checking to be sure there are no unopened soft drinks sitting in the car........

Lighting The Candle: Battling Depression, Part Two

After each conference, I have had an ear-full and a heart full of stories fresh from the hearts of sweet mamas. Many marriages mended since last year. Mamas feeling inspired and whole after healing their relationships with difficult children. A sweet homeless mama who was treated to a conference last year and given a roll away bed--back again this year with 15 other women, having a new life, a new home and stability since a year ago. Dallas  also reminded me of the difficulties of living in a world that is fallen, one groaning to be restored to the original design of Jesus--I learned of a sweet baby who died several days ago, not being able to live any longer on life support; a young woman ending her life as a teen; a miscarriage; a husband who left his family behind for an affair. Yes, there are many stories of broken lives and pain.  (If you missed it last week, you can find part one of this series here: Light a Candle, Don't Curse the Darkness.)

Loneliness, sadness, discouragement can indeed invade our lives daily and in ways we never imagined.

My sweet friend and I talked today of how each of us has heartbreak and our own "thorns". Yet, we also talked of the hope and restoration and life He has given us in our own lives after many years of waiting--waiting for healing, for prayers to be answered, for His ways to become visible in dark and difficult places, and yes, to see that He is indeed God and that He is good.

Both of us talked of how much these trials had softened our hearts toward others in need. Now, we have more compassion and the ability to identify with many women, and a knowledge of the comfort we can offer as we share what helped us through our own difficulties. Learning to see God's fingerprints and His goodness, even in the midst of the battle, is a gift--we hold fast to His goodness by our will, by our faith, because we have seen His faithfulness and goodness come through after waiting on Him and letting Him be the Lord of our lives.

Now a few more points of encouragement to continue the series:

3. Learn every day, in every circumstance. I observed a very difficult relationship problem this week and the sadness of it deepened my compassion for those who are lost and hurting. It even made me rethink some messages I was working on for an upcoming mission trip. They will now be much more filled with grace, comfort and love, because of the lessons I learned in my own circumstances. I had a choice--to let the hurt overwhelm me or to say, "What can I learn? How can I move forward in graciousness and be sure that I never do this to anyone? What does a person who has been hurt like this need? How can I pass on this kind of love and comfort in my messages?" God's hand can deepen our hearts and love--He can turn things out for the good--when we walk the road with Him as our Counselor.

Your story becomes the platform for your message--your chronicle of God's goodness--if you embrace it as a place where God will intervene and turn everything out for good in His time.

And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose" Romans 8:28-29.

4. Figure out what is bothering you and resolve to get rid of as much stress as you can. I met a young mom last week who was very down and crying. She was very hard on herself and felt like a failure as a mom and was quite discouraged with her children. I asked how old her children were and she said they were 7, 5, and 6 months. Then I asked her if she had gotten a full night of sleep lately. Immediately her tears began to fall and she said, "No, and I feel like this season will never end."

We arranged for a friend to keep her precious children for an overnight, and this mom had time alone and time to sleep 9 hours, and by the time I saw her again, she was a different person. "I thought I wasn't going to make it, but you can't imagine how much better I feel about life and I even missed my children. I feel totally different about my circumstances."

Sometimes it just takes sleep to feel better. It is easy, when our feelings are overwhelming, to ignore our physical and emotional needs. Recreation, sleep, pleasure, love and grace are all things we can add to our lives which will indeed provide us the ability to keep going with strength.

Sometimes, it is the messes or the "relentless of it all" that pounds us down to our low places. It is at these points that sometimes, I have stopped all activities for a couple of days and just spent time getting everything back together. I hired someone to help me put my house back in order again and then I felt immediately better and lighter of burdens.

Other times, I have made a fun plan--to make time to do some things that I knew would fill up my emotional cup--as well as put things into my schedule to look forward to. Years ago, in the spring, I would always plan a fun trip for me and the kids and some other friends. This is the time of year I would become weary of the relentless work and Clay had to work long hours, so I would plan a short (or long!) history trip out of town with a friend and it gave us a break from mundane life, and we all became better friends and my children and I had a great diversion from the mundanity of life. After the Raleigh conference, Sarah and I will travel once again to Asheville for a few days, as we've done for six years now. Can't wait.

5. Of course, pray and spend time with the Lord. We are indeed needy people in a fallen world, and yet we have the profound privilege of coming into the presence of God with hope, because He listens to prayers and because He listens and answers us even as we would answer our own children. Learning to persevere in prayer and wait for God has been a lesson He has been teaching me for a long time. Often the very things I was worried about, over time, changed and showed me that He was working all along. When a toddler is exhausted yet doesn't want to take a nap, a kind parent will see that he gets one anyway, even without the child's permission! So God, who knows what is best for us, will put up with our tantrums and put us down for a nap against our will, because He knows what is best for us. So the sooner we learn to submit to His plan, the more easily we will find contentment and joy.

I do not want to make light of the many struggles we all face. But learning how to accept the limitations of this world, and choosing to see God's fingerprints amidst the days of trials, has given me peace, assurance and comfort to leave all the details in my life in His hands and to trust that in His time, He will indeed work all things together for His good.

May you know His grace and love today, amidst your life.

...

Need some encouragement today in the area of mothering? Perhaps you might find it in my newest book, Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe.

"With Desperate, Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson touch the tender, innermost depths of a mother’s heart. Sarah Mae articulates the struggles that may have remained unspoken in all of us. She is courageous and breathtakingly honest while giving voice to the real challenges of motherhood and the frailty of a woman’s soul. Sally Clarkson answers those anguished thoughts with sage, sound, gentle mentoring and the kind friendship of a woman who has walked the same path. Together, they offer today’s desperate (or even simply soul-weary) mothers hope, encouragement, and a tangible roadmap for navigating the rough paths along motherhood’s journey."

—Elizabeth Foss, author, Small Steps for Catholic Momsand Real Learning: Education in the Heart of the Home

Get your copy of Desperate here.

And don't miss SarahMae's discussion of Chapter Six here: Oxen, Five-sies", and a Foundation of Love!

Pulling in to my "Circle of Quiet" to keep my soul Alive

A circle of quiet in California after the mom's conference

Today, my circle will be quite different, in the cold, stark winter day on the opposite coast. But again, it will be in nature--celebrating life with my lovies.

Each of us, each day, is pouring out our lives. And yet, we all know that eventually, if you pour the contents of a pitcher out, it will become empty, unless it is refilled.

I poured out in Dallas--not perfectly, but all that I had.

And so today, I am in Raleigh, North Carolina, hiding, sequestered away with Sarah and a sweet friend, looking out on the winter trees, afrost with a bit of  snow and cold,

sitting in my red nightgown,

sipping Yorkshire Gold tea and listening to soft, instrumental music.

I am reading Circle of Quiet and pulling away, so that I may have something more to give next weekend at one more mom's conference.

Something does not come out of nothing (unless of course you are the Creator of the world who spoke light out of darkness).

And so I know that each day, I must pull away to refill, in order to be sure there is something of substance from which others may draw.

Here is what I read today that is a balm and reality to my own day ...

"We are four generations under one roof this summer, from infant Charlotte to almost-ninety Great-grandmother. A lot of the time it is twelve, and even more to feed. Cooking is the only part of housekeeping I manage with any grace; it's something like writing a book: you look in the refrigerator and see what's there, choose all the ingredients you need, and a few your husband thinks you don't need, and put them all together to concoct a dish. Vacuum cleaners are simply something more for me to trip over; and a kitchen floor, no matter how grubby, looks better before I wax it. The sight of a meal's worth of dirty dishes, pots, and pans makes me want to run in the other direction.  

Every so often I need OUT; something will throw me into total disproportion, and I have to get away from everybody -- away from all these people I love most in the world -- in order to regain a sense of proportion. 

I like hanging sheets on lines strung under the apple trees -- the birds like it, too. I enjoy going out to the incinerator after dark and watching the flames; my bad feelings burn away with the trash. But the house is still visible, and I can hear the sounds from within; often I need to get away completely, if only for a few minutes. My special place is a small brook in a green glade, a circle of quiet from which there is no visible sign of human beings. There's a natural stone bridge over the brook, and I sit there, dangling my legs and looking through the foliage at the sky reflected in the water, and things slowly come back into perspective. If the insects are biting me -- and they usually are; no place is quite perfect -- I use the pliable branch of a shad-blow tree as a fan. The brook wanders through a tunnel of foliage, and the birds sing more sweetly there than anywhere else, or perhaps it is just that when I am at the brook I have time to be aware of them, and I move slowly into a kind of peace that is marvelous, "annihilating all that's made to a green thought in a green shade." 

If I sit for a while, then impatience, crossness, frustration, are indeed annihilated, and my sense of humor returns."

~Madeleine L'Engle

For me, if I sit for a while, quietly, just listening to my music, reading my Bible, quietly, quietly, alone and rest--today is my sabbath day--then the assurance that He is in control, that my life is held and that all the fears and "gnats swarming around my head" are not a real threat in my life, then I will have enough to keep going and truth and beauty to keep giving.

This is harder to come by in some seasons--seasons of babes and teens when someone needs me all the time--but if I look for this time to restore, I know all will be more at peace as I have been a mom who took time to pull in to a center of quiet.

"Peace be with you today, the Lord is near."

And yes, in time, I will get back to mentoring Monday--but today, I will keep my priorities in order so that my soul will stay alive.

Depending Upon the Holy Spirit

"I don't know how other people make it, Mom--I mean, people who aren't Christians. Every day, the Holy Spirit gives me just enough grace and light to make it through this day's struggles--just enough to give me hope and strength for this day as I need it. And I sure need it! It's all making so much sense to me," Sarah continued. "If a person tries to be good and live the Christian life on her own strength, she will run out of steam and crash. It can't be done in our own strength. I'm so thankful that I know the grace and forgiveness and freedom of trusting in the Holy Spirit to help me through each day."

In John 15:1-6, Jesus painted a vivid word picture of what it meant for the disciples to have their lives in Him--to be filled with His strength and power through the Holy Spirit. He said, "I am the Vine, you are the branches; he who abides in Me and I in him, he bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing" (John 15:5). That's an eternal truth I must take to heart if I want to give our children the gift of faith.

To me as a parent, this "vine" reality has two implications. First, I must do what I can to stay connected to Jesus at all costs. Only when He lives through me will I have the patience, love, faith, strength, perspective, and understanding I need to raise godly, faithful children.

But the other side of this truth is that eventually my children must attach themselves to the Vine, not to me. Only the Lord can draw our children to himself. Only He can give salvation to our children. And only He can convict them of their sins. I can and must love my children, nurture them, comfort them, teach them. I can and must model for them what life as a "branch" looks like, and show them ways to stay "attached" through prayer, Bible reading, fellowship with other believers, and so on. But I cannot be their "vine," and I cannot play the role of the Holy Spirit in their lives."

~from The Ministry of Motherhood, chapter 12

Ahhhh, how much easier it seems it would be, if I *could* be their vine! If only everything depended upon me, and I could guarantee success or a connection to the Lord for my children through my own devotion.

Then again ... how silly to think that way! Surely I don't really want to bear that burden, and God never intended me to.

Faithfulness. Faithfulness is what is called for in mothers, and even that comes through our dependence upon the Holy Spirit. Jesus talking about the coming Comforter--at least nine times in these chapters--so powerfully before His death assures me that He is necessary and that I must not forget that through Him the promise is fulfilled that I am never without guidance, never without comfort, never without help.

"I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Helper, that He may be with you forever, that is the Spirit of truth, whom the world cannot receive, because it does not see Him or know Him, but you know Him because He abides with you and will be in you."~ John 14:16-17

Take comfort, mama ... it is impossible for you to be alone.

Happy Happy Love Day to you and yours! (Easy Valentine's cookies!)

Yummer Wummer! :)

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread."~Mother Teresa

And that love-hunger is built right into the DNA of your little ones--and you!

We all crave to be loved, cherished, known, close, held, affirmed.

Everyone longs for love, is pre-wired to need love, yearns to be known and still loved.

The only one-word definition in scripture about God is this: God is love.

Jesus tells us in His last prayer, the high priestly prayer, that God has loved Him since the foundation of the world.

As we can see through the Father sending His son to save us, and through Jesus' example of laying down His life, true love initiates!

Because we celebrate Valentine's Day, it gives us the perfect opportunity, a marker to remember every year, to be sure we intentionally invest in loving those near us.

Take time this Valentine's day (or week!) to send love emails, love phone calls, to leave love cards under pillows, to fill someone's cup of their heart with love that they so need to receive. You will be God's hands, his voice, His touch today when you seek to give love.

Make a list of everyone you know who might really want to know you love them or who could be filled up by hearing words of love, receiving thoughtful gifts of love, touches of love, forgiveness of love. Valentine's Day is a perfect Day to throw out the score of wrong doings and to cover all in the unconditional love He died to give.

And of course, baked goods are one of the traditional ways we celebrate this little fun holiday. I have to admit that I love many kinds of cookies, but sugar is one of my all time favorites since childhood.

Here's a simple recipe for shortbread cookies you can also make to give to someone with your love cards!

Easy Shortbread Cookies

Ingredients:

1 1/2 cups of flour (measure exactly or your cookie dough will be too dry)

1 stick  (1/2 cup) butter, softened

1/4 cup powder sugar

1/2 teaspoon almond extract or 1/2 -1 teaspoon of vanilla extract, depending on your preference!

A dash of salt

Optional: If dough is too dry to handle, add tablespoons of half and half, cream, or milk, one at a time--mix well before adding another if needed. Dough will be quite dry and you can shape it with your hands.

Step by Step:

The first thing to do is to combine the flour and salt in a bowl. In a separate bowl or food processor combine the butter, almond extract and sugar. The consistency should be creamy and it should be "whipped up" in appearance. The final stage requires you to gradually add the flour and salt mixture into the creamy mixture. As you add in the dry mixture, make sure you are thoroughly mixing in the ingredients. As the consistency seems to thicken up, use your hands to essentially knead the mixture.

After you have kneaded the dough, place it on a floured surface. The next step requires a rolling pin (or you may use your hand!) Flatten dough out in the shape of a large circle or square. The rolled mixture should be about 1/4 inch thick. Use a cookie cutter in the shape of a heart or a round cookie cutter that you can modify into the shape of a heart by using a spoon or your fingernails to create a bowed-in area at the top.

Sprinkle the cookies with colored sugar before you bake them--press the sugar into the dough so it won't roll off!

Bake at 350 for 12-14 minutes, being careful not to over-bake.

A Happy Valentine's Day to you all--with lots of love memories all day long!

Light a Candle; Don't Curse the Darkness: Battling Depression, Desperate Book Club Chapter 5!

(I am doing this Desperate discussion today, so I can have a Valentine's post for tomorrow. Somehow, "depression" did not seem the right topic for Valentine's Day!)

"It is better to light a candle than to curse the darkness."

This quote is the way Joy began her history report about Eleanor Roosevelt. Seems Mrs. Roosevelt had much in life to get down about. Her parents expected a boy when she was born,  making her feel like a disappointment from the very beginning. Her mother told her she was homely, and she died when Eleanor was just eight. Her father was an alcoholic and died just a year later. She married FDR and he was disloyal to her and had an affair off and on throughout her marriage. There were other issues, too, but this amazing women decided that it was up to her to take hold of life and conquer all of her sadness. She left a legacy as one of the most hard-working presidential wives, and began and developed many wonderful community services and organizations that helped many unfortunate people. She was beloved by thousands and of course is still remembered today. Her life has been captivating to Joy. She has talked and talked about her over the past several years. "I really want to be like her, Mom. She could have been a victim, but she chose to rise above her circumstances and do great things." I have to agree with Joy.

Depression and discouragement are rampant in our culture today. Many people are sad and overwhelmed about finances, divorce, immorality, broken relationships, loneliness, illness, contention, and so many other things. We have had quite a bit of disappointment in our lives, but some of it I may never be able to write about out of loyalty and keeping integrity with those close to me. In the midst of a mission trip a few years ago, after having been in four different countries working with so many wonderful leaders and missionaries, I was struck by how many were depressed and disappointed with life. I realized that it would be very easy for most of us to be disillusioned in a fallen world. The issues each person was struggling with in those countries were similar to the ones I so often heard about at home: difficulty in marriage; less-than-perfect children, prodigals, compromised marriages and great disappointment, and the baggage that goes with rebellious teenagers; meager finances, loneliness and all the things I mentioned above. As I sat pondering this on a park bench, I realized that my own life was filled similarly with disappointments, but that I did not want to be sad all my life and I knew God did not want me to be a victim.

I will be writing about this whole issue of depression in a three- part series about Depression and Darkness, so stay tuned for the following articles!

 As I have studied scripture, it is very clear that there is a way to find joy in life and move from the darkness of depression to the light of Christ. He Himself said, "I am the way, the truth and the life." He is the way--not just to God and to redemption, but also the way to live on this path of life. He is with me on the way. Studying His life showed me secrets to follow to maintain my own joy and move toward contentment, and I want to share some of them over the next few days.

Disappointed expectations are at the root of depression. Sometimes we think that something will be one way, then find that thing disappointingly inadequate. We feel hopeless to change it, or to believe that something different or better can ever come. In order to work with our depression, we must put our finger on the sources that have caused the heart anger and frustration and hopelessness in order to be able to mount up over it. There are several specific things that have helped me in this area over the years, and these are what I'd like to share with you.

1. Don't let the nay-sayers get you down. Disappointment in relationships is one of the biggest reasons for depression. Feeling hurt, unloved, unappreciated, or scared by others who should love us but have shown us anger instead--these are major sources of disappointment. There are plenty of people around who are immature and are readily available to criticize, say hurtful things, reject us and argue with us, or let us down. I call these people nay-sayers, or Job's friends, or thorns! The nay-sayers want to disagree with you: your ideals, your spirituality, your personality and so on. Job's friends are those who smugly sit by, feeling free to say hurtful things or offer critical opinions in their Pharisee robes. And many in our lives have emotional scars, are selfish and immature or damaged themselves. Though it is certainly okay to be saddened by people who hurt us, we don't have to take their criticism or hurt to heart and we do not have to let these define us. I have some irrational people in my life who will be, and have been there forever! But even if they become angry or hurtful, again, I don't have to let their words or behavior enter into my soul or allow them to determine how I feel about myself. Sometimes it takes years to heal and to begin learning how to mount up over these relationships. But, slowly, I have learned not to take in someone else's anger, insecurity or immaturity. Jesus told Peter to forgive 'seventy times seven". Bitterness in our hearts only injures us further and steals our time and our joy. I can, instead, trust in the one who will always love me to build me up, to affirm me and to comfort me. Jesus did this: " ... and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously" 1 Peter 2:23.

And so, each time I am hurt or discouraged by one of my "thorns", I have practiced giving it to God and asking Him to hold to hold it for me. I then seek to find my center and live in God's love and affirmation and freedom. I talk to my brain and fill it with God's truth, rejecting those destructive thoughts and hurtful words, and replace them with God's word and His peace. Redeeming the situation by refusing to take the hurt into my heart--or body!--has given me the ability to be healthy in spite of my circumstances.

2. Don't live by guilt. So you blow it once in a while (or perhaps often!) accept God's forgiveness and move on--wallowing in self-condemnation only leads to more depression. You are forgiven--live in His forgiveness and don't rehearse your problems over and over again in your mind. Take your thoughts captive and put them in jail, never to bother you again. Jesus did this, too--He just trusted God. He put the situation in God's hands (I picture it as God's filing cabinet) and then closed the drawer for God to deal with in His time. I have a choice about whether I will be bitter and mean-spirited back to those who hurt me, or to be a peacemaker and just to practice 1 Corinthians 13-- "Love is patient, love is kind," and so on. If it is true that what we sow we will reap, then if we practice love and peace-making and sow seeds of kindness and grace, we will certainly become more kind and gracious and our souls will be filled with satisfaction.

Does this mean that the mean people will go away, or that you'll never again feel guilty? No, there will be sad times ahead, but I don't have to be a victim--or take it in.

FOR DISCUSSION:

1. What are the sources of greatest discouragement and depression in your life?

2. What about motherhood makes you feel stressed and depressed?

3. How can you take responsibility for your own happiness and make plans that will help you find encouragement, pleasure, friendship and fulfill your need to be understood?

4. Is there anything you need to get rid of in your emotional life--bitterness, a broken relationship, pride or anger at God-- in order to move on in life and to become free? What will you do to deal with this issue so you can have a clean slate?

Did you know that God cares so deeply for you? He sees you, and even collects your tears ...

"You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?" Psalm 56:8

Remember, nothing and no one can separate you from His love. (Romans 8:38-39) I am praying for those who read here today. May you truly know you are not alone or invisible to God. He hears, He loves you and He will lift you up. May you be blessed.

You can learn more about Desperate and purchase it by going HERE!

Today at MomHeart Online: Don't miss Deb Weakly's post on Intimacy in Marriage! 

For When You've Blown It (Again!)

 

A number of years ago, I was sitting in my bedroom and having a wonderful quiet time. The Lord really encouraged me and I felt that I was set for my day--I was feeling spiritual. I walked out of my bedroom into the hallway that went to the kitchen by way of my living room.

There, amongst all of my best "stuff"--my breakables--were my two boys, having a pillow fight with gusto. They hit some button I didn't even know I had. I went ballistic. I started giving them  the lecture of their life and started spewing all over them--they didn't know what was coming--and I am sure that some of it had been stored just waiting to come out. Poor unsuspecting creatures!

And then when it was over, I was as shocked as they were! How could I have just had a quiet time with the Lord and then before sixty seconds having gone by, acting out in ugly frustrated anger! Then, of course, guilt and remorse pointed the ugly finger of inadequacy at me! How can you dare to speak and write books on motherhood? I can't believe you made such a big deal out of nothing! You have probably scarred the boys for life!--and all the other accusing voices that have become so familiar at times.

I have met so many women in the past weeks who carry all sorts of guilt on their shoulders. And many feel they have failed so much there is no return. But God is always the God of second chances.

I was contemplating this on the way home from the airport the other day, that God's glory is revealed in the lives of people who make mistakes and have regrets.

Abraham lied about Sarah being his wife and was going to let her have an affair with a foreign king!

Noah got drunk. Moses killed a man, and later lost his temper *just after* being in the presence of God on the mountain getting the ten commandments-- and then he even threw them on the ground!

David committed adultery and then had his love's husband killed in battle.

Rahab was a harlot. Peter denied Jesus after living with Him as His best friend for three years. Paul was killing the followers of Jesus before he himself was confronted by Him on the road to Damascus.

Paul wrote in Romans 7, "Wretched man that I am. I do the very things I do not wish to do."

This is why living in the grace of God is so very important. Romans 8 tells us a great truth: "There is therefore no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus ... Nothing can separate us from the love of God which is in Christ."

"It is by grace you have been saved, and that not of yourself, it is a gift of God." Ephesians 2:8

The older I get and the more I see how prone I am to stumble, the more humble I have had to become and the more dear my salvation and Christ's grace is. I love Him more and more because I better know how fallen I am, and yet He still loves me, works through me, patiently waits for me as I little by little grow up.

If you're tempted to give up on yourself, remember, God never will! He is the God of second chances; He is mindful we are but dust. Let Him pick you up, dust you off, and begin anew. The grace of the Lord be with you!

...

Need some extra encouragement today? Head on over to Sarah Mae's to read about Chapter 4 of Desperate (Oh Right, There's Sin). Want to purchase Desperate? Head here!

Believe in Your Children's Dreams--They Might Just Come True!

Nathan, my Nathan, telling about his dream film at the California mom's conference!

This is a post about one mama(me)  supporting her son's dreams to bring Christ's light to a dark world--in the darkest of dark places--Hollywood!

Isn't that what Mamas do? Support their children's dreams and faith?

Will you please consider helping me bring this dream to life? Read on! Pass it on!

Nathan always wanted to be Superman.

"Some day, when I grow up, I will be superman to my world and help save people."

His whole life, Nathan has had a heart for the lost, to reach those seeking to find their way; for being a warrior to fight against evil. He acted out his stories of bravery from boyhood.

I wondered ... how would Nathan become a superman to his generation--saving and helping rescue them from evil?

So often, we take our children's dreams for granted and forget to believe in just how God might use them in this world to bring light into the darkness. But God put it on my heart to believe and to encourage and to support his impossible dreams, with fear, trembling, and lots of time on my knees.

Now, at 23, holding fast his faith in a very difficult world, he is seeing God open some amazing doors.

And,  just now I am amazed at what God is doing in the life of my wonderful son, Nathan.

Who ever dreams of having her son move to Hollywood to become an actor? Well, God didn't tell me where He would take and use my children, just that I was to disciple them and raise them for His glory.  After graduating from the New York Film Academy, and living in Harlem (more on that story tomorrow!) Nathan moved to Hollywood with the dream of breaking into the film industry to bring light into darkness. All of this, Clay and I allowed because Nate had been faithful and strong again and again as he walked into bigger arenas of faith.

I have literally spent hours and hours on my knees praying for him--for him to keep his faith and follow God, to find a church, good and godly friends, and for him to make enough money to live there and make ends meet.

One of his photo shoots for his resume. He eventually was in enough movies, commercials and projects to get his SAG card and membership into AFTRA, the acting unions (including the recent MacDonald's Superbowl commercial!)

Of course it was so hard for him to live there--and there were so many roles that he had to turn down because they were immoral or compromising. And so as Nathan sought to retain his faith in the midst of very little money, so I worried and prayed and worried and prayed and kept telling God what I thought He should do.

"Please, Lord, just give him one job that will help him be stable for a while, so he won't be discouraged!"

But one thing I have learned is that it isn't just me who loves my children, it is God. And God's  plans were much better than mine! As Nathan was praying one day, he was overcome with an idea. "If I can't get the roles that are acceptable, I will write a screenplay and produce a movie myself that might encourage and inspire families all over the world, and which might even bring some prodigals home."

And so he began to write a screenplay, a contemporary retelling of the prodigal son--as he has seen so many kids in Hollywood who have been prodigals.

It was edited, and many people started getting behind the project and loved it. And so a trailer was made. Professionals volunteered their time-- camera men, actors, all sorts of people came around Nate to produce this trailer made in only one day.

If 100 people gave 10-$50 dollars, He would be able to make the film! 

His dream is to make a simple movie with a message that will change hearts. Maybe it will even restore some families to each other and bring some prodigals home.  And that will hopefully lead to other films and more influence as God works and opens impossible doors.

God provided  Nate an opportunity to be one of the lead marketers for Dolphin Tale, which so many of you supported. This whole experience was a foundation laid so he would have the imagination that he himself could work to produce such a movie. And now he has developed more friends  and experienced actors, who are interested in seeing more moral and family-friendly movies come to life.

DONATE TO KICK STARTER--Get a great movie theme into theaters, and help this become a reality!

 Nathan needs our help--mine and yours. It is common for artists to raise foundational money to get the basic funding for a project that people support and stand behind. 

 KICK STARTER was organized a few years ago as a way that people could support projects (music and movies, etc.) that would not be possible for the artists or writers to produce without the support of the public. This particular movie, with a very low budget and many helping Nate voluntarily, will hopefully be produced for around $10,000. But it takes several hundred people to give $10-$100 to make this film possible. Of course, someone can just send in a $10,000 check, if they have one lying around! :)

You can find all the information about this project at: Kick Starter: Confessions of a Prodigal Son and watch as others add their support to make this film a reality.

So many of you have been writing me letters asking about this project and have even begun to support it.  If he makes his pledges in 50 days, then the film will become a possibility and you will have the opportunity to see it come out in the next year. No one's card will be charged unless he meets his total goal. 

If you would like to become a small part of seeing a Christian-themed movie come about, it would just be wonderful if you would sign up to help this project get off the ground.

It is so exciting to see Nathan and a number of other young, passionate Christian actors and writers dreaming of how to bring light to media and movies and music.

Here is what Nathan wrote on his blog:

Confessions of a Prodigal Son – The MOVIE (needs you)

February 7, 2013 

After living in a world of prodigals and feeling the pull to become one my self, I decided to use my gift, love and passion for story to tell the story of the Prodigal Son… To remind a world living in darkness there is a light we can return to. I wrote a full length feature film as a moden-retelling of the Prodigal Son. Above is the short trailer I directed with the help of amazing volunteers to show just a glimpse of what this film could and will be.Right now I am in the process of raising enough funds to see this story come to life.

I am asking you to help, because I believe that this is a story that Jesus used to show people the powerful vision of his redemptive power.

I believe if and when this movie comes out, it will be a light in the darkness and a call to all of us who long for redemption and a home back to the one who made us.

If you want to join a movement that is going to make a story that needs to be told come to life please visit the website http://www.ConfessionsOfAProdigalSon.com and see the amazing prizes and gifts you get for being a part of this project!

Thank you so much for your support, prayers and help.

Please feel free to contact me with any questions you might have.

-Nathan John Clarkson (click on the picture below to find out more about Nathan!) 

Dare to dream in your children's dreams and they may just be used by God to change their world.

Will you share Nathan's dream of this film with your friends?

And thanks so much ahead of time for all of you who have encouraged Nathan and me in this process of faith.

************************************************************************************************

FAQ

Kickstarter Basics: Kickstarter 101

What's Kickstarter?

Kickstarter is a funding platform for creative projects. Everything from films, games, and music to art, design, and technology. Kickstarter is full of ambitious, innovative, and imaginative projects that are brought to life through the direct support of others. Since our launch on April 28, 2009, over $450 million has been pledged by more than 3 million people, funding more than 35,000 creative projects. 

for more go here

Don't listen to the Critics, including your children!

Joy Forney's darling twin boys

You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not please all of the people all of the time.

(My own paraphrase of Abraham Lincoln's quote!)

No matter how hard you try or how nice you are, you will not ever be able to please everyone all of the time.

I seem to alternate between these two boy's faces. I am pleasing to some and very offensive or displeasing to others' sensibilities.

Motherhood is no different.

Motherhood is an never-ending sacrifice of your time, your effort, your faith, your body, yourself. And yet, we are working uphill against sinful little creatures who insist on making messes every day and who are not always pleased with the broccoli we serve them (for their own good, I must remind you!) And these little ones (and the big ones, too) do not always like it when you push against their little selfish wills and so they have various ways of pushing back.

During the toddler years, they fall on the floor and throw a fit because you didn't let them eat that candy they wanted. Or they whine or complain.

In the teen years, they question your wisdom and integrity and know just where to put in the knife. (After all, none of us have been perfect and we all have flaws ... and our children tend to discover them during the teen years.)

If you listen too much to these voices, you will become discouraged and want to give up.

The secret to not falling under the weight of the critics is to not give them power over you.

I have always told my children, "Don't believe your good press, and don't believe your bad press."

If I had allowed myself to be discouraged at my failures or vulnerability, I would have given up a long time ago.

What do I mean by that? If you are performing for someone other than God, you are bound to be disappoint them eventually--and they will eventually disappoint you.

There are always Job's friends in the crowd--those people who are quite sure they know why your life is not going well and what you have done wrong to make your life such a mess.

Job's friends were quite wrong! Job was being persecuted by Satan because Satan didn't believe someone could be loyal to God and believe in His goodness if he was persecuted.

And so God had actually chosen Job as a model of integrity and faith, because he was so righteous. Job's friends could not have been more wrong in their statements about his demise.

Learning the Hard Way 

After my first sizeable Mom's conference, where we hosted 650 women, we took surveys of how people liked the conference and got over 600 positive responses and wonderful comments telling us how many women were greatly encouraged.

However, one woman left this comment: "I think you could improve on the luncheon. The rice was too spicy."

So, I did not remember the many wonderful comments. Instead, I remembered the "spicy rice" comment and felt as though somehow we had failed to do a good job on the conference. There are always those who say to my face, "I always heard your conferences (books, blog) were so wonderful, but this didn't seem like anything special to me. I have heard it all before."

Those remarks stick with me a long time and yes, every year I am tempted to quit.

Not just because of their statements, but because in my heart, I know I am flawed.

Eventually, my sweet husband, Clay, said, "If we keep giving surveys to people, Sally will just quit this ministry all together, because it just takes one negative comment to convince her we should stop hosting conferences.'

How wise he was. We are a mom and pop ministry. We can't afford a large staff or spend a lot of money on decorations or expensive equipment or have lots of amenities at our conferences. We make mistakes all the time. Sometimes, when they were young, our children misbehaved in front of people! We depend on volunteers to help us. Invariably, something will go wrong. Sometimes I blow it when I speak, the food is occasionally more like a Weight Watcher meal than the wonderful $30 meal we expected, registration will take longer than we'd like.

No matter how much effort we put into the conferences, we could always improve. This year, after Colorado, I realized that the hotel had never put the decorations on the table and I let it really bug me and make me feel bad.

And then there is this blog. I really need to do more with it. I want to take cool photos and download amazing images that are more contemporary. But then, it is usually midnight when I write and I just am not willing to do what it takes to find a great photo at this late hour.

We are none of us as good as we would like to be, but blessed, happy,  is the person who is content with herself, faults and all.

Focussing on our critics' accusations is really a silly waste of time.

We do still have lots of "rice is too spicy people" and I know that I cannot please everyone--I am just a normal mom, trying my best to do something that matters and work that will encourage some to seek to raise godly children. But I am not perfect and I am not God and I cannot fit everyone's expectations.

And so, I keep my mind and thoughts focussed on Him, and bring them back to that place of peace again and again. He loves me. He knows my limitations (He is mindful that I am but dust! Psalm 103) and like a good Father, still He loves me. (Even as a Father has compassion on his children ... also Psalm 103.)

If I am seeking to please Him the best I know how,  by loving, giving, serving and following, that is a task I can accomplish. He is a generous and sympathetic Father and all He wants is my heart and to show me that His love is not dependent on my behavior.

Making it through all the seasons

Now after four children, I have lived through all of their moods, accusations, critiques, and fits. We are pretty much left with kids who still love us, and even respect us, and love to be together as a family.

Somehow, in spite of all the "attitudes" and seasons of childhood, we made it to a place of making peace with all the ups and downs, as they all have now made it into adulthood.

We still have our critics outside of the walls of our home, and on internet, and in the world.

But,  I am the happiest with my children, Clay, and our closest friends, who know us and still love us. I also love being in my home, away from peering eyes, with my children who are my best friends, who have come to a point of knowing that even though none of us is perfect and never will be, we are all pretty great, because we belong to this circle of Clarksons.

So, don't pay too much attention to the critics. They will eventually go away and they are not totally objective. Their voices (and faces) though sometimes strong in your own face and ears, are just a part of journeying through this pathway of parenting and life.

But let us seek to just accept our limitations, create joy in our moments to refuel to keep going, get perspective, and seek to please the one who is always going to be on our team--our heavenly Father, whose voice is always there to encourage.

Just don't let the "rice is too spicy" people get you down!