First time obedience, really? Revisited and A Giveaway of Heartfelt Discipline!

My own children, (. 3 years ago!), on whom many philosophies of child discipline were practiced! And yet God's grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!

I just wanted to tell all of you again just how much I appreciated your comments and emails in response to my questions. I will be printing it all out and try to figure out a plan for hitting as many subjects as I can.

However the next few days, I am going to be reposting some older discipline articles. The most common questions are about child discipline. I also want to promote the newest version of Heartfelt Discipline, which Clay finished a couple of months ago. It has been fully edited and has been rewritten in a number of places to give more clarity. I will also be giving away one copy each day of my discipline articles. So be sure to tell all of your friends about our giveaway and about Clay's wonderful book. It will answer so many of your questions about Child Discipline, but from a discipleship perspective. I hope you enjoy these principles--I call them basic leadership principles. Let us know what you think.

And yet God's grace covered our mistakes and they grew into healthy loving human beings by His grace!

ORDER HERE!

FIRST TIME OBEDIENCE, REALLY?

Often, the subject of child discipline comes up as I am working with young parents. I do not have the time to answer all of my email or comments as I must stay focussed on my own family and I will not be able to answer all the questions this article will raise, so please understand my time limitations. But I do offer this as some of my own thoughts on childhood discipline and hope that in some way, it may be of encouragement. My blog below is a mish-mash of some of my thoughts--but hope you can make some sense of it!

A Need for Guidance

Well-meaning parents all over the world have tried throughout the centuries to try to figure out the right formula or wisdom to use in raising up a godly, responsible, emotionally and spiritually healthy child. It is right to desire to find a way to love, educate, train and discipline a child to help him become mature.

However, in our culture, so many young couples do not live around their parents, do not have good models of what a healthy family looks like, and so they look to "authorities" to find their answers--people who speak or write books. (Scary thought, since that is what Clay and I do!)

Formulas do not work!

 Most parents are looking for a formula--a one easy step guide to instantly raising up an obedient child, a one size fits all.

But, over the years, I have heard so many extreme talks about child training and I have also seen many young immature parents follow rigid, formulaic parenting philosophies and I have lived to see many children rebel, leave all the training of their parents and even turn their hearts away from God.

The parents wring their hands saying, "I don't understand. I followed all the books and did it just like they said!"

Thinking Biblically

However, when we learn to think Biblically, we must learn to live by faith and in wisdom in the raising of our children. If God had wanted us to follow a formula, He would have given one and made it clear so that we could use the ten easy rules to pop out perfect children. But He made each person with a different personality, different maturity level, different ability.

Scripture is much more long term about maturity than we usually want to understand. "Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not fall away."

"The path of the righteous is like the light of dawn, which shines brighter and brighter until the full day." A path of life parenting that allows for more and more light to show forth with each passing year.

In Hebrews we read about the mature and immature--about babes who are still drinking milk and not yet ready for solid food--and here the context is of a young Christian and a mature one--allowing for growth.

I tend to look at my children through this lens, "It is the kindness and mercy of the Lord that leads to repentance." Romans

An Issue of the Heart

First, we must understand that all discipline should be focussed on the heart--not the behavior. Over 800 times in scripture, God talks about the heart--Love the Lord with all of your heart. God searches to and fro for a heart that is completely his. Man looks at the outward appearance, but God looks at the heart. and so on. And yet I see many extraverts being disciplined for being louder and more talkative (not rebellion--a personality issue--or boys for being boys--moms who want them to behave like a little lady, etc.)

But God is concerned with our desire to love and obey Him, he already knows we are immature and that we take time to understand His ways. Jesus was patient with Peter and said, "Satan has desired to sift you like wheat," He predicted that Peter would fall--and Jesus was totally supportive of his disobedient, immature disciple---He said, "I have prayed for you, and after you have returned, strengthen the brethren." In other words, "I know you will blow it, but I will be with you, I will pray for you, I will still use you."

And so, when we discipline our children, we must learn to look at their hearts. Is their heart rebellious? Are they being willful? Am I expecting too much for them--their age, their level of over-stimulation, the circumstances, their maturity level, their abilities? A child should not be punished for being exhausted, immature, a boy, or for making a mistake. I make mistakes all the time, again and again. And yet scripture teaches in the new testament and the old that maturity is as a result of training, time, growth, heart and will.

Reading and understanding the way babies and children respond at different ages helped to inform my expectations. I remember that I read an article that said that the average 2 year old took between 30 seconds and a minute to have some messages sink in if they were engaged in their brain somewhere else. And so often,  Moms can be very strict with their children and  harsh when sometimes the child has not even understood yet just what he is doing wrong. Harshness does not win over a child. Neither does wanting a 2 year old to be more mature than he can be and so punishing him for being 2. We must use wisdom and discretion to understand the situation, the heart of a child, and how to best train him according to our wisdom, faith and training of the child. It is the kindness and mercy of God that leads to repentance. Child discipline should always be based on a relationship between a mature, benevolent, loving parent who is seeking to lead his child to maturity, to train his child to think in the direction of righteousness and to train his behavior little by little.

The mature parent should consider the state of the child, his emotional needs, physical needs before meting out harsh discipline.

Formulas like "First Time Obedience" do not necessarily reach the heart!

I was speaking at a conference once and the speaker before me was plying the audience with all sorts of guilt. This speaker said, "If you don't require first time obedience every time from your children, then you are disobeying God and you will be responsible for losing your child's heart and tempting him to rebel against God!" Many men in the audience cheered loudly and clapped. I could just see the harshness that would follow in their homes because a speaker had given them permission to be harsh and demanding, every time with children, without ever teaching these parents sympathy, wisdom, skill and understanding with their children, their ages, their paths of life.

But Really? Can you cite me verse and give context that says God always requires first time obedience without mercy? I am thankful that He is much more patient with me than that in my own life. I have made so many mistakes over the years and done such foolish things, and still He is there loving me, instructing me, showing me his compassion and gently leading me daily to better understand His holy and righteous standard for me. God reveals one issue of immaturity at a time and I learn slowly. He has never pointed out all of my weaknesses and disobedient attitudes at once--and if He did, I would be devastated.

There seems to be no exact Biblical evidence that this is a true "rule." Of course I believe in training our children to obedience and to teach them to have the highest of standards, and often it meant training them to learn to obey us as we requested something of them, by training them to learn to respond to us and obeying quickly as they learned and matured.

 The reason Deuteronomy 6-8 talks about us speaking to our children morning, noon, night and presenting truth and the gospel to our children every moment of the day, is that training is to be a whole-life passing on of values and obedience and wisdom, a morning, noon and night---let's live together in fellowship and relationship and you will see that I have your best in mind and I will teach and train you how to be mature, wise and excellent.

It is a process of love, consistency, patience, and repeating over and over and over and it takes many years for a child to become mature. Maturity and integrity are also issues of the heart and motivation that comes from responding to the teaching and instruction given in love and mutual respect.

Ignorance produces harshness

The unfortunate thing is that many parents, in the name of faithful discipline, do not understand the differences between babies or toddlers or young children or even teens with all of their hormones,  and they exhibit  anger and harshness toward  their children, act in a demeaning way, while neglecting the cues of the child at each stage. These parents  have no perspective for the children themselves--they use  a  rule and formula no matter what--and often wonder why their children to not respond to them.

But, this kind of one rule discipline neglects the child's basic well being. If children are exhausted or overstimulated by television or other children, they are naturally more hostile or out of control. A wise parent will tend to his child's need for rest, quiet, rhythm, balanced blood sugars and understand hormones or emotions, and personality. Often I see children disciplined for things the parent has neglected--their physical and emotional needs---when the child's behavior is often a direct message to the parent of a basic need that has been neglected.

 Biblical discipline must take a long time to secure the heart--many years of constant loving training and instruction. We had very high standards for our children, but our discipline was always viewed through a lens of relationship as the strong basis of our discipleship of our children. Without a close relationship, discipline is quite unproductive.

A parent must live by faith, trust in God, wisdom, and patience. I spent many hours on my knees praying, seeking God, learning new ways of His parenting with me as I parented my children. It was a process of growing in wisdom. My children are all very different in personality and ability, and yet, by God's grace, all have come to love us and do deeply love the Lord. But we had to raise each of them up in love, by faith and treat them according to their own personality bent. And the basis of our home was God's unconditional love and grace.

Lack of Basic Knowledge

I have also observed often, lately, precious moms who do not even know how to treat little ones. I was walking down the hallway of a hotel several months ago in California and a sweet, very young, exhausted mom was exasperated and shaking her 4 month old baby, saying loudly, "Go to sleep, go to sleep!" At which point the exhausted baby cried louder and louder. The baby was her first child.

I offered to hold the baby for a few minutes and to give the mom a break. She quickly gave the baby to me. I held the baby tightly in my arms and held it against my cheek and gently rubbed its head while singing softly into his little ear, and swaying gently back and forth. Immediately the little one relaxed its stiff body and listened to my voice and within 5 minutes was soundly asleep.

She just had not been taught how to be gentle, affectionate, or personal. It scared me a little to think of the future of this little child.

I also observed that my very introverted, creative child took longer, even as a baby to focus on me. I learned to work with his personality and to get on his eye level, gently get his attention and clearly state what my expectations were. He was happy to comply, but he did not always hear me the  first time. (He now my absent-minded professor who composes music and still has a great heart to obey and to please me.)

My third son, I eventually learned, was adhd, and ocd and a few other letters. But being harsh never, never made his more mature or able to change his behavior. I learned that the more I poured into his life--affection, time, listening, talking, the more able he was to obey. I learned that if I was patient and gentle and helped him--holding his hand, using words of encouragement, gentleness, I could lead him in obedience.

My husband, Clay, wrote an excellent book, called Heartfelt Discipline and many have said that it changed their lives. It will be back in print next summer.

When babies are touched and loved and sung to and talked to and have regular routines and regular, healthy diets, they are much more happy all the time and responsive to instruction. However, when a child has not received these basic needs, the only means of a child letting his parents know he is not happy or comfortable with his life is to whine or cry. When I am around generally healthy children whose needs have been met, it is obvious because they seem more content with life. All children are immature and will misbehave, and pages and pages could be written about the subject, but these are just a few of my thoughts.

My last thoughts on this today and then I must run to my day. Jesus'  life is my example. There was a lost world because His children rebelled against Him--no first time obedience. But His love and compassion was so much a part of His character and being, He was compelled to come to save us. He fellowshipped with His disciples, loved them, listened to them, confronted them, corrected them, fed them, taught them, and laid down His life for them. Because of their relationship with Him, and their love for them, they were willing to lay down their life for Him and His kingdom.

His love compelled them--it was a long-term process, this one of securing their obedience and hearts, but their hearts wanted to please Him and obey Him because of what He had meant to them. And so I did write Ministry of Motherhood, reflections on Jesus' method to secure the hearts of His twelve. It has been a study over many years. And today, from my quiet time, I am again humbled and blessed by His active, redeeming, sacrificial love that redeemed me.

His model to me as a parent, "Greater love has no one than this, that He lay down His life for his friend." a Rafflecopter giveaway

Loving Well is the most profound Commitment of Life

Measure your life by how well you have loved. Choose love. 

Sally Clarkson, Own Your Life Book

No matter how we try, none of us will ever have a perfect family. Most families are fraught with personality issues, immaturity, selfishness and baggage of unhealthy relationships from a past broken family heritage. 

No church, ministry, neighborhood holds perfect, always happy relationships, either. Because we are a part of these groups, we make them unstable because none of us is perfect. 

And often, we are most disappointed when we have conflict, fall-outs, and broken relationships with other believers. 

I wish I had known this earlier, as I was broken-hearted and disillusioned the first time we were involved in church where several created disharmony and separations with groups in the church. 

Yet, another aspect of growing in love is giving ourselves time and grace to grow. Most of us never knew how selfish we were until we got married and had children. All of us fall short, but all of us can mature. Learn every day to live more and more into the foundational love and unconditional grace of God and you will become a generous lover like Jesus is.

It is best if we also know we will never be perfect in loving or in relationships. It will keep us humble, generous and make us more likely to forgive.

Loving is the food that fuels each of our lives with health, hope, and a sense of well-being.

That is why is it most important that we learn to practice loving well, forgiving more each year and guarding our mouths so as not to create unnecessary conflict. 

Learning lots about the importance of loving well came through being a mama to children who were starving for it from the beginning.

"Mama, you love me the most, right?" ....Our joke through all the years but repeated over and over again.

"I love you the "Joyest" and you the "Nathanest" and you the "Sarahest" and you the "Joelest," my sweets.

Seems that even now, I am often texting, emailing, fb'ing my kids how much I love them, how special they are to me, how much they are beloved by God.

All of my children have gone through bouts of doubt when confronted by a constant barrage of challenges. All four have written notes to me to say our constant love is what pulled them through. "You always believed in us, you were always at our back. You never gave up!"

A heritage of being loved and cherished is profoundly important in the life of any human being.

Surrounded by people who care for their needs, commit to cherishing them from birth to death, wrapping them in the bonds of unconditional love is a legacy that will give them strength, hope and vision through the rest of their lives.

It is something that cannot be bought or quantified or boxed. Love is a real, day in day out, giving of ourselves for the benefit of others God has placed in our lives--a giving of ourselves for the blessing of others. When we love and touch affectionately, it pre-disposes our children to remember the caresses and affection of love hidden in the pathways of their brains and will cause them to be more prone to believe in the love of God when they are teens and we tell them, again, that God loves them.

When children are deprived of love as an infant, consequences to their health, emotional stability, understanding and perception of God, ability to hold relationships and even intelligence is effected the rest of their lives. Of course, Christ is able to redeem and restore all things. I know in my own life that restoration and healing are possible. But in this fallen world, the process of healing may take awhile.

God created all of us with a deep need to be loved, and a capacity to love generously.

Being loved perfectly was God's original design, it was born in His heart when he created us to know Him intimately.  

If I could point to one thing that truly had an impact in my children, it was giving them a foundation of unconditional love. Generous, overwhelming, words of affirmation, an expectation of forgiveness, acts of service, and many more gestures of love is what opened our children's hearts to listen to our messages about God. 

Loving them as they are, appreciating the personality that God has given them, restoring them to generous love when they have failed, pouring out love even when they were at arm's length, focussing on love as the lens through which I looked at life as a mother, giving out words of love on a daily basis--sometimes many times a day, became the fuel for building a fire in their hearts to want to love God.

When love is modeled as a way of life, then a child has the brain patterns, the very familiarity of how love feels from a parent, and will then be more able to experience the love of God when introduced to it as a concept.

We read:

God is love.

Greater love has no one than this than a man lay down his life for his friend.

The two greatest commandments are to love God and to love others.

Love one another and so fulfill the law of Christ.

They will know you are my disciples by your love for one another.

So many times, parents are afraid that if they show their love for their children too much, they will spoil them. (I am not talking about enabling them by giving in to every whim, but real, unconditional, servant, mature love.)

Has anyone ever loved you too much? Or do you wish for more love?

Though I was loved in many ways, I grew up with some performance based issues in my family, I often felt inadequate and as though I could never do quite enough to please others--my parents, the world--God Himself. I felt defeated in my inner heart, though I kept striving to perform for many years.

However, it was at a college conference in Mexico my junior year, that a wonderful teacher personally explained to me, while focussing on my heart's cries for over an hour, that God truly loved me and that nothing would ever separate me from his love.

This knowledge changed my life forever.

Then I read and pondered and studied the life of Christ with His disciples. It was His love poured out, serving them and their families, living with them, giving them words of life; cooking for them, washing their feet, encouraging them, that so changed their lives that they were willing to give their lives for His cause.

We as adults must understand that unconditional love, as shown by Christ, is the foundation to good relationships.                                              

But the place that our children learn this kind of mature love is by watching us practice loving them in our home.

Many of you, never really understood or experienced love in this way while growing up and perhaps you carry unhealthy habits of relating to people in ways you learned in your home growing up.  What I have found is that by receiving God's love by faith and then practicing it in my home with my family has stretched my ability to love, and it has changed my life. Reading books about relationship has given me tools to recognize what is healthy behavior and what is not (Boundaries and Safe People are two books by Cloud and Townsend that have  helped me to recognize un-health in myself and in others.)  Recognizing habits that do not build my relationships and learning to grow little by little has helped me move in the direction of strong friendships and stable family relationships. This has also helped me to understand and recognize unhealthy people that come into my life and to understand more about how to establish boundaries in ways that protect me from manipulative or broken people. This has become especially important to me in ministry, where I am interacting and committing to people all the time. But the love of God has slowly transformed my life over many years. In making loving well my goal, I have learned to love many people better and more effectively. It is a process of growth.

In our own family devotional, The 24 Family Ways, we made love prominent in our training.

Way # 5 WE LOVE ONE ANOTHER, TREATING EACH OTHER WITH KINDNESS, GENTLENESS AND RESPECT.

MEMORY VERSE:

"Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has seen God at any time; if we love one another, God abides in us, and His love is perfected in us." I John 4:11-12

If we understand the importance of building this foundation of loving our precious children and teaching them to love others, we will give them the power they need to build strong relationships, stay strong in marriage, learn to work in ministry and a profession well--in short, we will give them the ability to have a fuller, more fulfilling life.

Loving my adult children is still just as important as when they were young.

The world can be hostile to adults who seek to live morally excellent lives, and who attempt to live lives for the glory of God. And so even now, loving, listening, encouraging, supporting and giving my adult children a home where they will be circled in love and commitment of friendship is one of the pulls in their lives to uphold their ideals in a very challenging time.

Love covers a multitude of sin.

Love is a perfect bond of unity.

So today, commit in your journal what it means to love to each of the precious ones entrusted into your hands and then begin by practicing love today.

How do you show your children acts of love that penetrates their hearts? 

What am I supposed to do?

Now that I have raised 4 children into adulthood, and find, by God's grace, they are all reasonably intelligent, moving ahead with ideas and inspiration and relative accomplishment, love the Lord and growing in that direction and love us, I have closed the door on a season of my life.

I am no longer in the "raising my children" phase, but I am at a moving on to another season, supporting and loving my children, but mostly done with those initial phases of training, educating and inspiring.

Now this is the dilemma. Many of my wonderful younger friends, including Sarah Mae, say, "There are no mentors out there. We need more moms to help us, encourage us."

Having been immersed in this whole role and calling for so many years, I can get lost in the forest for the trees.

So my question to you is:

What are the burning topics that you wish you could ask a mom like me?

What are the biggest issues in your life?

What should I write articles on?

I realize that by God's grace, I have made it through pretty well. But now that I have done it so long and so much is second nature to me, I don't remember exactly how I got here or what people would want to know.

So, I ask you to please help me.

Please answer some of the questions below as well as add your own input.

1. What is the biggest mothering issue in your life that you wish someone would address?

2. Do you want me to write about homeschooling or even just education issues in the home no matter what educational choice?

3. What are spiritual topics that are relevant to you?

4. What are personal issues that you wish I would address?

5. What other topics do you like to see discussed?

6. What aspects of child life do you wish you had more help with?

7. Should I write about marriage?

8. Practical areas--like cooking, baking, house organization, traditions, what areas of practical life appeal to you?

9. Do you like or not like videos and or podcasts--which is preferable, writing, or voice.

10. Would you rather have more information or encouragement (longer articles) or shorter articles cut up over several days?

Thanks ahead of time. I am often tempted to quit blogging because I speak so often and teach a lot and have written a lot of books and so I feel like there is nothing more to say or share--so your input will help me a lot!

So should I spend my time writing more books (lots of ideas here) or keep going with blogs and writing fewer books.

And truth is--when I get more comments and help in getting the word out, I feel like what I am writing is hitting the target. When there are few comments and not as much help in getting a wider audience, I wonder if I should just write more books and maybe rest the blog for a while--your input would help.

He is not a tame Lion, but He is Good

"He is not a tame lion," said Tirian. "How should we know what He would do?"

The Chronicles of Narnia, C.S. Lewis

Recently, I spotted this old print of a lion, beautifully framed. I purchased it on the spot and now it hangs framed over our fireplace in our den. Aslan, the picture of Christ, stands guard in our home.

Always, I desired that my children understand that they, and no one can contain the living God. We spoke of His greatness, His sovereignty, His kingship and Lordship over the world and over our lives.

"I wonder how God is going to use you in this world in your lifetime to bring His power, His beauty, His wisdom to bear in this world. He has called normal people to do great things because He wants to live through them."

And so we spoke to them of a kingdom that would never end and a King Jesus who had dominion over all realms.

Our instruction was not a moralizing kind or a teaching to be good. But following hard after one who was Life Himself and who had created all of His followers to join in the battle for good against evil, love against hate and redeeming back what was his. All of our children knew they were to be warriors for His cause.

When I first ventured out as a missionary into Communist Eastern Europe, I faced many unknowns with my fellow pioneers. Our doors were pounded by police, we smuggled Bibles and Christian materials in our car and sometimes, our knees shook in frightening situations. Our girls that we lived with in our home were questioned by the secret police as Christian ministries were disallowed to exist in a Communist country.

But we believed we were involved in a spiritual revolution for God who was bigger than governments and stronger than any barriers.

The language was quite difficult and we were lonely and there was not much food. No television that we could understand. No cell phones. No personal computers. The food was strange and we ate mostly eggs at almost every meal because we could not get meat very often.

Our parents worried when they heard on the American news that the Russian tanks were plowing into our city in Poland because of the rebellion rising all over the country. We hovered around the BBC radio to try to hear what was really taking place in our country and to try to find out if we were really in danger.

But, deep in our hearts, we had made the commitment to be there because we believed with all of our heart that we were living for a Kingdom that could not be shaken and we were determined to bring light to a dark world where Christianity was suppressed.

To us, God was almighty, Holy, beyond our comprehension, and so we trusted Him to do miracles, and He did. We also knew He was one who heard our prayers and was willing, for the sake of those who believed, to do miracles and to bring powerful redemption to a whole nation and to the world behind the iron curtain.

Our faith was exhibited behind closed doors where our hearts were tested and no one could see.

Sometimes, I miss the fellowship of such believers. We knew that God could not be contained in a box--but that He was much bigger and more powerful than we could ever imagine. We took risks in order to bring this Hope to a world that desperately needed light and and hope.

Now, as I am approaching 60, I do not want to be satisfied with what I have seen God do previously in my life. I want a new frontier, a new way and place to cast a vision in the lives of others so that they might understand the infinite ways of His love, wisdom and goodness.

I often feel as though we do God an injustice by playing at words and grappling after finite issues, by pettiness and criticism of others, when the lives and eternal destiny of people are at stake.

How can our children be inspired to live great lives if our lives are not burning with a passion to serve Him and to see His power lived out through our lives?

Perhaps we are indeed guilty at times of straightening the picture on a wall of a house that is burning down, when we focus on temporary issues.

And so, as I reevaluate my life and my goals, I pray:

Let my faith not be limited to mere words on the internet, but let my life be a sacrifice to real people who need to know the loving touch of your hands, the power of life-giving words, the healing of forgiveness and acceptance that you have so generously provided.

Let my messages be filled not with rules and lists and formulas, but with truth, vision and foundational instruction. In the power of your Holy Spirit, God, give me renewed faith, boldness, compassion, so that I may expect to see your power through my life in new ways. In the next 10 years, what would you imagine for me to accomplish for your kingdom? What would you have Clay and me venture to help others understand your power. 

Please, Lord, let our faith never diminish to a point of limiting you to a mere philosophy or dogma. Help us always to see you as the Lion of Judah, the God transcendant, the one who crafted the galaxies and put in place the eyelashes on a baby's face. 

And let my children, understand these truths and live their story, faithfully, boldly to give profoundly of your love and life till they see you face to face.

As we ponder your omnipotence, that you are greater than we could imagine, 

that your ways and thoughts are higher than ours and that you can do whatever you choose, 

let that picture of you inspire us to bow our knee to your will and be willing to risk and work with all of our heart to please you until we see you face to face in all of your beautiful wildness, glory and splendor.

Putting Away Cynicism

Rudyard Kipling

"God could not be everywhere and therefore He made mothers."

In a culture that values sarcasm, makes fun of every possible public figure, and disdains virtue, often the sacred trusts that have been held through out history, lose dignity and meaning. Rudyard Kipling was a man who was a champion of women, and especially mothers. He understood their impact on the next generation.

I find it unfortunate that basic virtues of goodness, graciousness, respect, honor, truth, humility,  are not valued or appreciated in our culture anymore. When people forget civility and the respect that is due every person created in the image of God, human beings are devalued and sacred relationships lose their value.

Crudity, bane words and humor often deprecate those values dear to the heart of Christ.

Facebook and the internet at large have given many the impression that anything can be said on facebook without accountability to manners, graciousness or decorum.

James tells us that we will all be held accountable for each of our words.

The composure and moral stature and values of a person is of great consequence in leadership throughout history. If we want our children to influence their culture for the sake of Christ in their lifetimes, we must teach them the value of honor, respect and service of others.

Training my children to have a sense of what it looked like to become most excellent for Christ and to uphold his reputation in all circumstances, led me to offer them many poems, verses and quotations to memorize. The treasure box of their minds are filled with stories of greatness, as well as words of wisdom and virtue. I know that the Holy Spirit can use these words over and over again during their life-time to remind them, inside their hearts, regardless of the values in the world, of what is true and what really matters. And these words can also call them to a high regard for integrity in their conduct and behavior in public and through their words.

Poems and psalms, however, have a special way of "sticking" in their minds and internal values. I made each of my children memorize this wonderful poem as a part of a family tradition. Each of my kids has told me that this poem, in particular,  has come to mind often when they were faced with trials, choices of conduct and times when they needed inner guidance to direct them in their conduct.

May we seek to build up a sense of strong virtue and value for what is true, in order to devalue the power of cynicism and sarcastic humor, which can destroy a respect for what is honorable and good.

I give you this poem to teach to your own families! Say it outloud each evening, one verse at a time. Discuss it. Give examples. This is a poem that will feed their souls forever!

If

If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can dream---and not make dreams your master; If you can think---and not make thoughts your aim, If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same:. If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;

If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss: If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings---nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much: If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And---which is more---you'll be a Man (or woman), my son! (or my child)

Rudyard Kipling

I am woman, hear me roar, kinda.....Joy and I reminiscing

The Capacity of a Woman is endless--and I do think women are pretty amazing in most ways.

So, Joy goes out to start the car in order to drive to her college class. The battery is dead.

The "ding-ding" bell on the car my children drive, went awry. This means that usually the ding-ding goes off when they turn off the car and leave the lights on as a warning to turn the lights off, so the battery won't die.

But, this is the 4th time in 6 weeks one of my children drove this car and left the lights on too long and the battery died. It is always blamed on the "ding-ding" thing-a-jig.

This is not a popular subject with my husband, who would like to just say to the kids, "Just turn out the lights, as a habit, when you get out of the car. It's pretty simple."

Now, the rest of the story......

"Mom, what do I do? Do you know how to charge a dead battery?"

"Let's not call Daddy, again,  and see if we can do it. He's at the office and I hate to  bother him."

Out comes my computer and we look up "charging a dead battery" on youtube.

Brought the computer out to the garage, and we both gingerly took different sides of the cables, as we have no idea what we are doing, and hoping we do not somehow get an electrical jolt or burn up the car, which is what one of the guys Joy asked for advice, told her.

Turned on the video and followed directions and voila-the battery started and we felt empowered by our genius.

So, what has your life required of you lately, and what have you conquered that you never thought you could do?

Teaching Your Children the Bible {The Dig for Kids} and a giveaway!

My sweet friend, Ruth Schwenk, at the Mom's conference in Raleigh.

Over and over again, when my children come home for the holidays, they all agree that often in the midst of their daily lives, scripture just pops into their brains. Stories that were as familiar at the place they were told still enter their imagination at odd times of their prayers, thoughts and lives.

It is as though it is a part of their psyche because we read them so very much.

When Clay finds a devotional product that guides the family through scripture, he loves to promote it to other moms and dads to use. The Dig is such a product. Well written, fun for the children and easy to use, this book will open wide some of your devotional moments for your children.

Ruth and Pat are great friends of our family and we love how they are helping families with these wonderful resources.

We want to offer three free books for you so that you can enjoy them, too.

I asked Ruth to tell us a little about the Dig.

****************************************************************

About 2 years ago my daughter said to my husband, “Dad, I am glad you are a pastor.” When he asked her why, she said, “Because you teach us the Bible.”

The truth is, every parent should be (and can be) a pastor to his or her children.

The Apostle Paul makes an interesting comment regarding Timothy’s training as a child. In 2 Timothy 3:14-15, Paul says, “But as for you, continue in what you have learned and have firmly believed, knowing from whom you learned it and how from childhood you have been acquainted with the sacred writings, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith in Christ Jesus.”

Paul suggests in those verses that Timothy was being taught the Bible from a very young age.

In an effort to simply and systematically teach our children books of the Bible, my husband created The Dig for Kids. Out of the experience you create, biblical principles are learned and lived. The goal, of course, is that our children will fall in love with Jesus as their Savior and grow up to follow Him with all their heart, soul, and strength.

We were thrilled to have such an amazing response to The Dig for Kids: Luke Volume 1! The Dig for Kids has consistently been on Amazon’s “Best-Seller” List and #1 in Children’s Bible & Prayer!  It is incredible to think of literally thousands of families joining together and learning God’s Word with this resource.  The Dig, provides a fun and easy way for YOU to get into the Bible with your kids!

For those of you who haven’t heard of The Dig, a typical Dig lesson consists of the following four components:

1. The Map: The Map tells you and your child where you’ll be going in each lesson. It is a short summary of the study ahead.

2. The Dig: The Dig is the main passage you will be studying. Following each passage will be several questions designed to help conversation and understanding. They are meant to be a guide. You can use them or tweak them to help you talk with your children.

3. The Treasure: The Treasure is the big idea of each lesson. In a short statement, it is what you want your child to remember from the passage you studied.

4. The Display: When an archaeologist finds a treasure, they will clean it up and put it on display for everyone to see. This is the basic idea of the Display. It is the application of the Treasure you have found!

Of course I may be a bit biased, but the author is an incredible father and Godly man that I am honored to call my husband  .  Here is a little bit about him.

Patrick Schwenk grew up going to church wearing clip-on ties, uncomfortable shirts, pants that were too short, and shoes that were too tight (at least that is how he remembers feeling). He was born, raised, and then born again within a conservative evangelical home (and church) in the Midwest. Today, he still loves the church and is thankful to both serve and lead others toward Jesus. He is a father, husband, and pastor. Patrick and his wife Ruth (www.thebettermom.com) met while attending the Moody Bible Institute in Chicago, IL. They have been married for fourteen years and currently have four children ages three to ten. They love serving in ministry, spending time together as a family, reading, drinking lots of coffee, and resting in God’s grace.

The Dig is available in PDF, Kindle, and Nook Versions as well as Paperback.

The Dig Luke Vol. 2 (Chapters 13-24):

Click HERE to purchase for $2.99 (reg. $4.99) the PDF Click HERE to purchase for $2.99 (reg. $4.99) the Kindle version  Click HERE to purchase for $2.99 (reg. $4.99) the Nook version  Click HERE to purchase for $9.99 (reg. $12.99) the Paperback version

You can also purchase The Dig Luke Volume 1 here.

To celebrate we are giving away 3 copies of The Dig for Kids: Luke Vol. 2!! Enter to win below!

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Giving up the control of your children to God's Able Hands

Two years ago, when Joy was starting classes at Pike's Peak Community College.

This week, Joy is home from college, and I am going to enjoy every minute that she is home, so I will pick up Mentoring Monday, 24 ways next Monday. I will spend this week being a mama.

Having Joy home is such a grace to me as my children are truly my best friends. But one thing I have been thinking about as I have talked to her and to Joel and Sarah in the past weeks and even to Nathan, is how little "control" we have over our children. I am so blessed to be close to our children and love who they are.

But, I have been pondering a few things I wish I had known more about as a younger mom.

It is easy to develop ideals as a young mom about how your children's  lives will look when he become older--their friends, college, meeting a mate, having good health, or Christian friends who share their values, or flourishing in their jobs, that they will live where you do or attend the church you attend--whatever your dream or ideal might be. But these expectations are often disappointed when our children enter their adult worlds if they have not been founded on Biblical perspective of this world, an understanding of this being the temporary place.

"Lay up your treasures in heaven" must be a grid through which we look at life as we lead our children day by day.

We can, in a sense control some of the external circumstances of our young children by directing their schedules, making choices for them, but ultimately, they will all have to grow up and stand on their own two feet. And they must learn to develop their own "muscle" and learn to walk their own walk of faith with God if they are ever going to be strong. We cannot do that for them.

But, this generation of young adults, (of which some of you are!),  is facing very serious moral dilemmas, leadership crisis of every kind, a humanist world view, break up of the family, economic problems and more. And so I have learned, and so have all of the other friends I have who have adult children, that we cannot control the world that our young adult children will inherit. So we must do our best to prepare them to know how to manage their lives in the world they will be entering.

Life will never be "fair" to us, in this fallen world. This is so important for children to understand. If we do not prepare our children with appropriate expectations of what the world will hold, it is like sending a private into a major battle without training, experience, reinforcements, and confidence or a plan. Teaching our children to be spiritually strong is not about having them keep the right rules. A living, active relationship with God, themselves, is our goal. We will be sending our children out into the world as sheep to wolves, unless we train them in their character and in their expectations along the way, so that the "world" will not be a surprise.

Moms who are helicopter parents--who hover over their children, make all of the decisions for their children, protect their children from hurt, meet all of their children's needs so as to create "entitlement" for their children are preparing them for a disastrous future. If they are going to be "generals" in this battle of life, they must go through life training to prepare them to be able to stand strong--and to know what to expect from the enemy.

This world a place of battle for souls, for ideals, for faith, for stability. It seems that there is compromise in the lives of believers at every point. All of my adult children have been confronted with myriads of very serious problems and choices at each step of the way and the loneliness that comes from living a life of ideals and faith in a generation of young adults who do not value their ideals.

So, what can a mom do? I think one of the most important roles of a mom, is to start out giving her children to God and then praying seriously, intentionally for her children--an understanding that apart from Him, and His intervention and grace, our children have no hope and no formula is ever going to be perfect enough to insure their insulation from a very difficult world.

Then loving God with as much integrity and intentionality in front of them, so that our children will learn a life of faith from us and want to love the God that we love.

Because when our children face these very challenging places, they will need to have the means of finding wisdom from the Word of God for themselves, because we have given them this habit by practicing it in our own lives. And then teaching them how to walk with God on their own, so they can  pour out their hearts and souls for themselves so that God can guide them and speak to the issues of their lives.

But there is one more central issue for passing on a strong foundation. We must teach them to live for God's kingdom and for eternity. Trying to build a kingdom in this world is vain, and if we pass on worldly values to our children, they may never find what they are looking for, as this world will not ultimately satisfy.

No one person will ever be able to fill all their needs or make them happy. (The world's picture of a romantic life.)  And no amount of "things" or status will satisfy their souls. So, we must help them to understand that "He who loses his life," for the sake of the gospel is the only one who will "gain his life" and see how their lives can make sense in this fallen world.

To live for the kingdom gives hope that somehow, even in this broken place with broken people, our lives can have meaning in light of eternity.  This is a secret for helping our children to flourish in their lives amidst all of the challenges they will face--to give them a heart that understands eternal consequences, and to live their lives writing a story that will follow them into heaven for all of time.

And finally, a mom is called to intercede for her children, champion her children and give courage and love and hope and strength each step of the way, because I believe that us mamas are to be the companions of spiritual strength and hope our children need. We are to help our children keep loving God, by loving them and giving to their souls, bodies and emotional needs, as long and as much as we can, so that they will never have to feel alone or unchampioned in this life. A mama's responsibility is never over till she goes to see Jesus herself.

And so, we give up the notion that we will ever be in control of our children's lives, but we hold fast to the understanding that we are God's servants of grace to them as long as we live. And that is why He thought moms were such a good idea when he made the first woman and called her the mother of all the living.

Weeping is but for the night, but joy comes in the morning

Earth, teach me regeneration as the seed which rises in the spring.

William Alexander

Just when all appears to be dead or dying, daffodils pop up, as if out of nowhere, to proclaim, there just may be surprise and life ahead.

The Unstoppable Power of Returning Spring

God masterfully transcribed lessons and insights of life into the very warp and woof of His creation. Spring, summer, winter and fall cast the pulse of life as we experience it.

A time to bloom, to grow full blown, to harvest and then all dies, for a season. Until the cycle of life starts over again. But winter will not have the last word.

And so there are winters in our lives--times when it appears that everything is dead or dying. Cold, stormy weather beats at the windows of our hearts as well as the window pains of our rooms. As Jesus said, there will be times when the storms will burst against our house.

During this darkness of cold, there is a deepening of roots that will allow new and better growth, a putting off of the old leaves and wilted fruit to make way for the new. It is in the darkest of nights that wisdom is learned, perspective is given, humility clothes our soul.

Though in the middle of the night, as in the middle of winter, gloom flows over and the fog of despair rains hard on our hearts. However, this is not the end of our story.

His going forth is as certain as the dawn, and He will come to us like the spring rain watering the earth.

Hosea 6:8

Yet, even as the sun rises every day after the dark of night, so spring comes every year after the gloom of winter, when even though all appears to be dead, all the powers of the world, all the strength of darkness, cannot hold spring back.

The power of returning spring is unstoppable,

as though God's song refuses to be quieted.

It is a force so strong that it defies all other forces and life will indeed show its glory, its beauty  and strength, again.

Every year, when the darkness seems the longest, daffodils spring up first, even in what appears to be the dead of winter, as though ringing out the bells of the glory of the Life. Blooming "with all of their heart", they proclaim, hope is coming, light is on its way!

A picture of resurrection life. Though all hope had been lost, and Jesus was brutally killed, wounded beyond recognition. Those who appeared as the teachers were instead false prophets, seeking to  grab for themselves,  in their love for power, ultimate authority, and consequently killed the very one who created them.

Tears, sadness, soul-black despondency filled those who had attached their very spirits to His being. Hope disappeared as the sun in a cloud.

But, like the power of returning spring, the grave could not hold Him. Death was gloriously defeated.

And so the morning dawned, bright and sure, and our Lord defied all that was broken, all that was unjust, all that crushed each heart in this fallen place. Our Jesus brought back the life, that in our wildest dreams, we could only hope against hope, would be true.

Spring reminds us that our hope is sure. His life conquers all death. His love heals every wound. And in heaven as on earth, our hope is sure--darkness will not have the last word.

"I am the way, the truth and the life."

Nothing can stop the power of His redemption and love.

Let your heart be encouraged today,

He is risen, He is risen indeed.

And like spring, no power or force of man, or designs of the dark one, can hold back His resurrection life,

orHis will, where He will indeed make all things new.

No more Guilty Mamas! Learning to "kick" the dark voices

Guilty No More!

Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God.  He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

II Corinthians 3:5-6

The dark shadows played upon the window of my bedroom, as the sun set over the mountains. The darkness seemed to match my mood. I remember this day clearly because I felt trapped and wondered if I would truly make it through the rest of the years of my children being at home.One more move, teens in the house and a little girl who wanted to play with her beany babies, and a hormonal middle-aged mama who was worn to the bone, made for catastrophe.

There were many such days through the journey of motherhood and the fingers pointed at my heart accused me of the inadequacies and failures in my life.

Today, I am writing all the sweet mamas who are in this place and feel alone—as though they are alone in their feelings of guilt.

A sweet mama wrote me a facebook message recently and said she often felt guilty when she read my posts. I totally understand! We all have regrets and can feel like, "I wish I had known more!" But, most of us were not trained to be good mamas and had very few good models to follow, so often we muddle the best we can.

The reason I write this blog is to hopefully give some encouragement that I longed for when I was mothering my now adult children. I have learned a lot over the last 59 years and if any of what I share can be of help, please let it encourage you--we can all move forward from where we are--with great hope, because of Him. So, I give you a part of my heart and how I have kept from staying in the mire of guilt and disappointment with myself over the years.

Do you ever hate reading articles where the writer always seems positive and Pollyannish? (Why? Because it doesn’t seem to match the reality of your own life and experience and it feels saccharine and unreal?)

Do you feel guilty for yelling and becoming angry at your children too often?

Are you regularly immature in front of your children? In marriage, do you become easily frustrated and can’t resist fighting with your spouse that you know you should love?

Do you ever wonder if there is any turning back? If you have been such a failure that it will be impossible to redeem your situation or child or marriage?

Does sadness fill your soul because of a prodigal or rebellious, angry child and you think it was all your fault?

DON’T STAY THERE! MOVE ON!

Perhaps this sounds pretty absurd—and heartless. Yet, I have seen that my  dwelling in self-pity and living in condemnation is an endless downward spiral. God does not want me to have a dark soul—only Satan does. (He accuses the brethren before the Father day and night!)

Everyone you know sins and falls short on a regular basis. (All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God!

All of these needed Him and what He died to give—redemption and restoration.

Heroes are those people who feel the same stress, fear, anxiety that everyone else feels in a terrible situation. But they do something about it—they act in a forward direction and do something to save the day.

So, you can be a hero—you are still writing your story—Yet you have to choose to live in forgiveness. Your story cannot have a good ending unless you decide to celebrate life right where you are and give your guilt, inadequacy, condemnation and then live in the freedom that He wants you to have.

All of us are broken and unworthy. We might express our weakness and sin in different ways, but we are all pretty petty, selfish and dark in our inner hearts. No matter how diligently we try to be perfect and especially to fool people into thinking we have our act together more than others, God knows. (And if anyone pretends to be righteous, they are fooling themselves and God—“

If we say we have no sin, we are liars and his word is not in us.” I john 1:10

IIn the same way we would not expect a toddler to live a life without making messes, crying, throwing a few fits, so God is not surprised at our incredible potential for messing up. In comparison to His holiness and perfection, we are mere toddlers—if that. “He is mindful that we are but dust.” Psalm 103

Guilt squeezes the spirit of life out of our souls! Guilt is destructive—and if he says you are not guilty, then for you to refuse His forgiveness and patience and grace is in Biblical terms—sin! To not live in His grace is sin.

(Take care, brethren, that there not be in any one of you an evil, unbelieving heart that falls away from the living God. Hebrews 3:12)

There was some point in which I knew I could not live in a constant state of guilt or self-condemnation. The more I read scripture, the more I understood that Jesus did not intend for me to live in that place, and moreover, it is a place of destruction.

A mama who lives in condemnation, guilt and a state of inadequacy is negative, depressed, harsh and down so often that it also becomes a drag on her children.

Somewhere along the way, I decided to put the load of guilt of all the ways I had failed into the file drawers of heaven and I marked forgiven over them. And now, often, when voices accuse me of once more blowing it, I just pray and re-give my state of guilt to Jesus and seek to stay alive in the freedom that He has provided.

These are some of the verses that helped me:

He separates our sin in our lives as far as the east is from the west.Psalm 103

There is therefore now no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus, for the spirit of life in Christ Jesus has set you free from the law of sin and death. Romans 8:1

It was for freedom that Christ set us free, therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject to a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1

All of these verses and so many more, spoke to me of the heart Jesus had for us to know His love, His forgiveness and adoption of us into His royal family.

That is why His salvation, His love, His forgiveness, His indwelling, His commitment to refine us and to build us into the image of Jesus is such a priceless treasure—because He saves us from our dreary life of mistakes!

Easter is my favorite season of the year—because I am forgiven, I am adopted, I am new in Christ. And as a toddler, I seek Him all the time and expect Him to help me and to accept me into His arms. That is what I did for my immature toddlers. Could the God of the universe do any less.

But what to do with all the failures and ways I defrauded my children? That heavy burden of grief and sadness for all the ways I have failed?

“If we confess our sins, he is able to forgive us our sins.”

He is able. He is able.

Do not accept the heavy burden of guilt—choose to live in your new freedom. Choose to put away the voices, the rule-keepers. Faith is a choice of your will.

Believe that He is a redeemer—He can draw back those stray sheep—He loves them and especially wants to love and help you because you are a mama after His heart. He will redeem—buy back—all of those mistakes. Redemption is what HE does—he delights in doing what He was made to do. So don’t waste your time worrying—leave your failings and regrets in His loving hands.

After all, I think mamas are his favorites because like Him, they are laying down their lives for their sweet sheep.

May you live in the resurrection power today and each day till you see Him face to face.

For a little more of my story, join me at Momheart.org today!