Creating a Family Culture of Grace and Love: Life Gifts

Now, as adults, they are "besties."

Sitting late into the night on squishy warm blankets, giggling and holding fast to each other's secrets, my girls love spending time together. And I love seeing the light seeping under the closed bedroom door late into the night. I always wanted my kids to be each others' best friends. It just took a half-lifetime! :)

Each of us has a deep longing to be loved, to have our lives validated, to know that we matter and have a purpose--a place to belong.

It is a longing in our hearts because God put it there.

Yet, mature love that grows and gives is something that has to be nurtured and trained.

As we passed on the GIFTS mentioned in this series of podcasts, as a map of discipleship for me each day, I had to have a long term vision for what I wanted to accomplish and move slowly in that direction, through training, modeling and instruction.

Unconditional love is not common to all families because it takes a lot of work--and often it is the heart or relationships that is neglected. Anger is allowed to fester, blame is a constant habit, and loneliness and neglect of people's needs create more anger and depression.

So many moms write to me and say, "My kids fight all the time--they are so selfish, they run over me!" as though this is unusual. Truth is, we are all selfish, self-absorbed, petty and shallow by nature--sinful nature, that is! All of us are seemingly surrounded at times with conflict from egos running into each other. No family is immune. But for families to grow in grace and to learn to become mature in love is something that is trained, practiced, instructed and developed over a long period of time.

Family is supposed to give roots, strength, security, stability and direction--but this only happens where moms do the hard work of training, correcting, modeling and enduring years of immaturity as children grow through all the stages of childhood.

God also gave mothers the ability to build a strong  home culture,, so that these deep needs would be met. Proverbs--the whole Bible--is filled with wisdom about relationships. If this wisdom is neglected or ignored, families  and individuals will become unhealthy and exhibit the fruit of their untrained or immature hearts.

Building an environment of love, grace, belonging, so that each child who is welcomed into her home, will provide a well spring in their hearts that says, "I have a history. I am a Clarkson (or Smith, or Martinez, or Krasaski), and we love each other, we belong to each other, we will always have stability because we are a part of this family and circle of love, spiritual strength and grace."

Shaping a Family culture like this takes time and intention and does not just happen by chance.

A child who is given a place to build roots, foundations of moral strength, affection and unconditional love and forgiveness, a safe haven in which to grow, will carry stability in their souls their whole lives and will find strength to face the trials of life and the challenges.

This summer, I had the privilege of having all of our kids home together for 8 days. (Clay and I fly everyone home 3 times a year to be together because we want to continue to cultivate, honor and develop deeper relationships.) This kind of intentionality and planning is part of what has built a family strength.

It is so very precious to hear my children sharing deeply, playing basketball, going for long walks, watching movies together while munching popcorn--and say over and over again--"These are my best friends. I don't know what I would do without our family."

As adults, my children have chosen very challenging, secular arenas in which to bring the light of Christ--Hollywood, Oxford, New York, --and these places can be quite lonely for a young Christian seeking to hold fast to ideals. Yet, part of the strength they hold fast to, are the strong bonds of loyalty, a sense of self by belonging to each other, and a refreshment to be together to remember what the "Clarksons" are all about.

Joy got her very first brand new bed set for her 19th birthday this summer--2 single beds. Yet, the sweetest thing is that Sarah and Joy have slept together in her bedroom every night they have been home together, (Sarah leaving her bedroom vacant) because they have become such chums--even though 11 years apart.

Yet, personality differences, friction, age differences, bickering and selfishness have all had to be trained away, one day at a time, for them to reach this kind of friendship. Still all of us are in process. And even when everyone is home together, now, I know we will have a couple of family fusses.

But the desire for peace is so strong, because we all need each other, that grace covers fusses and love binds our hearts together. But where there is no vision or training towards love, there will be no peace or maturity. It is a seed that must be planted, watered, cultivated. The weeds of sin must be cleared on a regular basis.

I have always said to my children,

"It is natural, fleshly, carnal to argue and to be petty. It is supernatural to extend love to live in the grace of accepting each other's flaws."

"In our flesh we are all self-centered and self-absorbed, but when we yield our hearts to the Spirit of God, we extend His grace and show His love through our words and actions."

I will never, ever be loving on my own. Anger, impatience, criticism is all a natural response to irritating people--especially those in my home. It is only the Spirit living through me that will stretch me and my children toward deep, abiding love.

I have learned to say, "Lord, I am so irritated right now. Would you please love through me--I bow my knee in my heart recognizing my need for you and I will choose to love and be patient. Love through me."

As a mama, I felt I had to continually be a model of what I wanted my children to live--and I will not be perfect in this until I look into the eyes of Jesus, after I have left this world.

How is this developed? Through personal time, correction, forgiveness, grace, serving---all very intentional goals. Love does not grow without a plan.

Parents would rather occupy their children's time, give them experiences or more "things" just to buy themselves free time and to pacify their children than to have to take the time to invest personal, eye to eye, voice to voice time. However, a child can be given all the experiences or "things" the world has to offer, but if his soul is starving or empty or filled with the anger of rejection or even passivity, which communicates worthlessness to him, will have difficulty filling this cavernous hole the rest of his life.

When children feel empty, they will look for love and validation in all the wrong places. 

A mother's love and legacy is one of the most powerful influences in the world and will indeed determine the strength and history of our future culture.

But to provide such a work in the lives of children, requires a choice.

The choice is to serve, give, train, instruct, provide, encourage and this choice will have eternal consequences because the souls of the children raised in such a home will be strong, beautiful, spiritual, healthy and formed. Choices have consequences.

Here is a passage our family has memorized and continues to uphold as the foundation of relationships. Romans  12:9-21 (As a matter of fact, we are re-memorizing it this summer and reviewing it a little bit at at time--and again--it is transforming our lives.)

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;

if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.

In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

Hope you enjoy the podcast about this very subject today!

A Childhood Memory of Halloween Redemption

When I was living in Poland, everyone would gather on all Saints Eve and walk through the tombstones of their past relatives who had died to remember their stories and to celebrate their lives. I know that many in my audience have a variety of views on the subject of Halloween. I am not here to tell you mine and do not want to offend anyone. But, Joy, my 20 year old daughter, was remembering a Halloween night at Awana that she never forgot. It was a night when the gospel made sense to her. I hope you will enjoy her story.

Jack-o-Lantern Hearts by Joy Clarkson

For a ten year old, I was pretty competent at life.

I planned my outfit every day, down to the hair style and pink choker necklaces (all the rage in the early 2000’s).

I earned stickers from my piano teacher with “excellent!” and puppy dogs on all of my newly memorized pieces.

I actually liked school, and on occasion would insist that my mother give me more work.

I wrote weekly magazines (with ads and everything) cleverly named “The Joynal.” (I must note: Gwennie, my adopted Aunt came up with name. I hadn’t quite mastered the pun at that age).

One of the ways I exercised my overgrown sense of drivenness was through AWANA. Somewhere along the way, I learned that my sister Sarah (11 years my senior) had won the prestigious Timothy award (4 Bible memorization books in two years). Being, as I’ve said, a competent child, and not wanting to be beaten, I took it upon myself to get the Timothy award. And I did!

Truth be told, I don’t really remember much about AWANA, except a great host of memorized Bible verses that still come back to me and that I loved the running games, even though I never won them. I do, however, have one very specific memory that returns me occasionally. A Halloween memory.

It was the Wednesday before Halloween. I was going to dress up as Anastasia. I had a pretty blue dress with gold trimming, and was planning around my coat as Halloween night was predicted to be the first snow fall, as it is predicted to be this year.

We we are all a tizzy, and most of the leaders had given up trying to make us recite our weekly verses, and were instead wearily trying to chorale us little whirlwinds of destruction without much success. That is, until the speaker came.

It’s odd, but I can’t remember the gender of the speaker. All I remember was this persons hands and words.

With deftness and an air of secret knowledge, the speaker walked to the center of the room and plunked a large, well rounded pumpkin on the table. As it landed on the table, it made a hollow echoey plop, and all at once, our squirmy limbs were still and we all turned towards the center of the classroom. 

“Our hearts are like pumpkins.”

We giggled which I believe was the desired outcome of these words.

“I think pumpkins are beautiful. They are round and lovely… what a pretty vegetable. God thinks you are beautiful.”

With a dramatic flair, the hands revealed a small knife. Gently but with great purpose, the hands began to cut a neat circle around the stem. We all suppressed little gasps of horror.

“But inside all of our hearts, there is a mess.”

The hands neatly pop off the top.

“We have hurts.”

The bare right hand reached inside.

“We have selfishness.”

A sloshing, squishing noise emanated from the basso profundo pumpkin.

“We have anger.”

The began to raise, and with it came the sound of the moist snapping of the pumpkins innards.

“We have sin.”

With almost a flourish the hand emerged from the belly of the beast, carrying with it seeds and slosh and funny smells.

Ewwww!!! We all screamed squeamed.

“Sometimes our insides are embarrassing and ugly, and we wish that no one else would see us. But God sees us. He sees our ugly.”

For the rest of the wonderful story, go HERE to her blog. (Joynessthebrave)

May your day be a beautiful day, whatever it holds.

Developing Personal Vision (Own Your Life Fridays) Ch. 4

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.

ANTOINE DE SAINT-EXUPERY

Giving gifts to my children is a special delight for me. One Christmas after a great deal of consideration, careful selection, and a healthy amount of sneaking, Clay and I were elated with the gift we had picked out for our precious son Joel: his first guitar.

It was a perfect fit for our most musical child. At only eighteen months old, Joel was singing “Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star” perfectly and on pitch, and he began harmonizing at age three. As he grew, we watched his abilities blossom, so a guitar was an obvious choice to help him hone his gifts. That morning, pajama-clad and holding hot chocolate, Clay and I smiled as we watched Joel open the guitar case in wonder.

Seeing the look on his face as he ran his hands over the smooth shiny body of his new musical tool confirmed our choice of a gift. Twelve years later, I sat with tears in my eyes, clapping with all my mama-heart as Joel walked across the stage at his Berklee College of Music graduation. The in-between years had been filled with picking, plucking, and strumming that built up calluses on his fingers to be able to fret the strings more easily. And along with the guitar would come new instruments to learn, new skills, and many hours of “jamming” in our living room.

The little boy who had once relished his first real instrument in my living room now stood before me on stage, Summa Cum Laude graduate and Composer of the Year, and an emerging master of his trade. Being a parent has so often given me a deeper understanding of God’s feelings towards me. My delight in giving gifts to my children recalls to mind what Jesus said in the sermon on the mount:

“If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!” (Matthew 7:11).

The true delight of my parent’s heart was not only giving Joel the gift but watching his grateful and faithful response.

Imagine if we had given Joel the guitar, and he had thanked us for it, but then over the years it sat in a corner of his room gathering dust. We did not give him the guitar with a contract that said, “You must practice with this, be faithful, and become a skilled musician.”

We gave it to him freely. But his faithfulness delighted our hearts as he put the gift to good use. Just as Clay and I knew our son and gave him a gift that we knew would both delight and empower him, so God gives to us even more generously since he is the one who knit us together “in the womb” creating and weaving into our being the very fabric of our personalities and personhood.

Developing Personal Vision

The dreams inside point to the destiny each of us was created to fulfill. We each want to know that our lives matter and that we are not invisible. When we see them only as a series of mundane days, and when we become consumed by busyness and the nonstop media around us, our lives will become empty. When we focus on the expectations of others or dwell on the hurts they have caused us, we become prisoners to the circumstances of our lives. Ignoring the eternal purposes God has designed for us leads to emptiness.

Living with the end in mind means living with an attitude that says, “What has God given me with which to be faithful today? How can I invest in His kingdom, even in this seemingly mundane moment?”

And sometimes faithfulness is very mundane.

When we fall into any of these traps, we tend to make excuses for the disappointment of living mundane, purposeless lives:

"I just don't have time for ministry to others."

"That sacrificial decision would not be financially feasible."

"I meant to write her a note [or call her when she was ill, or reach out to her when she was lonely, or give her some money when she was destitute], but it is too late now. I would probably just bother her."

"What would people think of me if I became that radical?"

"I might fail or embarrass myself."

"Why should I speak up? No one ever listens to me anyway."

Another extreme is when women try to control life and in essence try to control God, seeking to tame and manipulate their circumstances as much as possible in an attempt to avoid more stress and disappointment in life. In both cases, one year fades into another, each more disappointing than the last. If we are not careful, the sands of our lives will slip away, and our excuses will leave only empty echoes in the wind.

As Henry David Thoreau noted, "The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation."

Determining what good works He created for you to do is essential to understanding how God might use you. Unless you evaluate your life, count the cost of serving God, and make a plan for how you will move ahead, none of this information will be of any help.

Often the story and circumstances of your life will influence your message. How do you want to use what you have experienced to speak into those who have similar lives?

Chapter 4 of Own Your Life is about changing your will in order to be a world changer and really developing a vision that is personal and thinks long term.

Giveaway

I have received so many letters, messages and comments about Own Your Life. I would love to give away 4 copies to 2 readers--one to keep and one to give away to a friend.

What an impact we make on each other when we work in community! I encourage you to grab a friend and go through this book together. Challenge one another and hold each other accountable.

To enter to win, simply leave a comment answering the following question:

Being faithful in an unfaithful world can be wearying!  What good are you growing weary of doing?

Please be sure to leave your email address so I can contact you if you win. 

U.S. residents only.

(Give it away if you already have one. Share with friends. I just hope it will encourage whoever will read it.)

How Can I Cross the Finish Line With Joy?

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Matt 5:4 

Darkness of soul is a familiar feeling for me. As my story would have it, the deep feeling of having burdens piled upon my shoulders so heavy that I doubted my ability to keep taking steps forward was familiar to me in different seasons.

Then, daily tasks of feeding, giving, loving and meeting the needs of my whole family would come over and over again, relentlessly. Long nights of hospital machines that helped my children to breathe enough to go to sleep again after hours of gasping filled years of my life. Moving again and settling into a new home meant extending myself over and over again, after learning that most people would not reach out to our own family. We needed to be the initiators, again.

God has given me an idealistic heart, though, and somehow I had this inner bubbling up of delight, a desire to overcome, and so I sought for answers to memorize deep in my soul, that would show me a "light" way forward amidst the darkness that sometimes prevailed.

In the midst of the busy-ness and hard realities of life, it's easy to become burdened, living under a cloud of depression at times.  Yet, the one cry of my heart, since teen years was,

"If someone really knew the living God, who created stars and music and romance and epic stories to be lived, wouldn't their lives be different for knowing Him."

Surely, God wants more for us than that we make it to heaven exhausted and threadbare, hardly able to take one more step.

I wanted to be that person, that when people came to my soul, they would find the God who drew me above my circumstances into a realm of His reality and joy. Many years ago as I pondered what would enable me to live the Christian life with true joy, a memory surfaced of a time I'd attended a very fancy ball with my parents.

As a wide-eyed 6 year old little girl, when my parents had no babysitter, I was taken with them to an evening dinner dance, so that they could still enjoy their special night out with friends. Bedecked in  shiny patent leather shoes, lace socks and my frilliest little girl dress,  my mama let me wear a touch of her lipstick and a tiny bit of pink rouge.

I still remember sitting wistfully at a fancy table, big-eyed and dreamy,  admiring all the twirling dancers when...

"Suddenly, my handsome, 6'3"smiling father strolled over. In one easy, graceful movement, he swept me off my feet and up into his arms. With a tone and look of noble seriousness, he said, "May I have a dance with the princess of the ball?"

"Yes," I said with my little girl smile."

The next thing I knew we were on the dance floor. My feet hung limply down, swinging as he swayed. He held me tightly in his strong arms and easily twirled me 'round and 'round the dance floor. As we danced cheek to cheek, I breathed in the familiar scent of the Old Spice aftershave he had lightly rubbed on his smooth-shaven face earlier that evening. (That spicy aroma still brings back memories of him.)

The tingling excitement and pride that I felt at that giddy but very rare moment, being in the arms of my hero, left me almost breathless. I treasured each second with great delight and took in all the smiles and admiration of the other doting adults. For the several minutes we were on the dance floor, I was caught up in something so special I didn't want it to end. I do not have lots of personal memories with my father, but I remember his arms holding me and carrying me in the dance of the night.

But then the song wound to a close, and the music came to an abrupt stop. Our dance was over. With his long, smooth strides, my father glided back to our dinner table with me still in his arms and set me lightly upon my chair.

"Thank you for the pleasure of your company, sweet princess," he said affectionately and bowed. Then he turned away to find my mother.

The memory of dancing with my father provided a picture of what God desires for us to share. He gave me a personal, visual image of what he wanted me to understand about his joy: that it is wrapped up in him as my heavenly Father, that he is the Initiator, the Provider, the Lover, the Strong One. In short, he is to be my leading man in the dance of life. He is the one who will teach me the steps and the ways to hear His  music amidst my daily life.

My father was a hard working man and spent long days in his office and this memory was rare--the only time I remember this kind of time with him.  And maybe I even recreated the memory of him calling me "princess."

Many of us do not have images of fathers who were personal or attentive, but this memory was a picture that God brought to my mind when I was pondering wanting to have a different sort of life--one in which there was the "more" that my creator had whispered about inside my heart, that my longings were based on something he had created me to experience.

But even more, dancing seemed to be a visual picture of what God wants me to do in my soul: he wants me to dance inside my heart, no matter what is going on outside in my circumstances. To dance is to celebrate life, to make merry, to physically live out the reality of internal joy and to walk so much in His presence that His light shines through the dark days.

Psalm 139: 12 is such an anchor to me through many years and seasons of dark times:

"Even the darkness is not dark to You,

And the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are alike to You."

He is not influenced by darkness, He is light himself. He will give me hope and fill my darkness with his light, if I will go to Him, rest in Him, leave my circumstances to His wisdom, and learn to live into the joy of His loving care.

I learned this inner worship, this claiming of His reality by faith through so many days.

"This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it." Psalm 118: 24

.It is why I named my first blog, I take Joy, because I have learned that beyond our circumstances, our burdens, our life in a fallen world, He, the creator of life, beauty, love, gentleness is here and He wants us to know His reality.

Those who walk closely with the Lord do have a secret inner joy, a dancing energy just from knowing Him. It is in having him as my partner, in letting him take the lead, that I will be directed around the "dance floor" of my life.

He is the One who will show me the steps, teach me to hear  the music, how to engage my heart with him and to stay in sync with him, the real Source of the music, the dance, and the everlasting joy."  (parts of this article come from Dancing With My Father, which you can find here!)

God is with you today, in dark times and in light times. And He loves you all the time. He is your ever-committed Father and He will teach you, and me, the ways to let Him lead us in our own unique dances of life.

Discipleship is Heart Work (And a New Podcast Series!)

Go into all the world and make disciples....

Jesus, kneeling down in the dusty floor, mingling his hands with toes, dirt and smell, lovingly touching and firmly wiping the feet of His beloved friends, amidst stench, noise and eating, laughing, living. Reaching their hearts, souls and minds with the depth of the call of the kingdom was an embracing of the reality of daily life amongst full-blooded, crusty, men, hungry to fulfill a life's purpose that captivated their deepest longings to see that their lives mattered..

Jesus didn't just talk about having a ministry from a broad, tall pulpit with a resounding microphone, while disappearing between sermons. He lived a deeply personal life with words and instruction as well as integrity and generous love demonstrated in each moment of every day and he served and bowed his knee to meet the needs and desires of those He loved.  He taught compassion, and then he demonstrated it by healing the sick, touching those with leprocy, drinking water with the prostitute, holding and caressing children, feeding those who were hungry.

But even as Jesus took three years off from the work of the universe in order to pass his ministry on to his disciples, to live with them, eat with them, love them, instruct them, so as mothers, if we want the same kind of life-changing impact on our children, it will require the sacrifice of our time, our commitments, and it will be inconvenient and life-consuming. But leaving godly disciples is the greatest work we will ever achieve. As I have said many times before, when I meet Jesus face to face, He will say, "What did you do to invest, love, teach your children the secrets of the kingdom of God so that they will love me and serve me with wholehearted devotion?"

Each of us longs to be a part of a great cause, an epoch story and each of us longs to belong in the hearts of someone in the world who cares for us. We can exist within the mundane moments of motherhood or marriage or work longer if we know and understand that somehow it is meaningful to our over-arching life story and heritage, a history that we are passing on, when we daily stoop to serve, and patiently give of our energy to meet the needs of others.

But we long to know our lives can make a real difference, that our being alive and making right choices isn't just about duty, but about a heart-gripping reality that will make a purposeful impact in the lives of others- and to know that someone cares about our life sacrifices and investment of our time.

We need to recognize these same needs in the heart of our children. "Our children's hearts long ot be a part of a great cause. Training our children for ministry needs to be at the center of everything we are attempting to do with our lives. Serving God and loving Him is not about knowing all of the right rules and keeping them; it is about cultivating compassion in the hearts of our children for a lost world and showing them how they can be a part of His great plans for them to reach their world in their lifetime." The Mom Walk

Jesus called his disciples away from tasks to make an imprint on history, "Follow me and I will make you fishers of men!" "Go into the world and make disciples." "These uneducated men have turned the world upside down."

Paul and Peter were willing and joyfully sacrificed their lives because they knew, they deeply understood, they were a part of the movement of the Spirit of God to redeem the world for their creator, they were kingdom laborers. The passion in their heart gave them the power to serve. Service without heart kills the soul.

And so, when we seek to disciple our children, it is cultivating in them a vision for their importance to Christ's work, a hope that they are needed to fulfill a kingdom cause--with their unique personality and skills, and then giving them practice in serving others as they grow up in our homes, which are the center of ministry. It is about them watching us serve and being caught up in the beauty of our loving, giving to, serving and inspiring others from the integrity and compassion of our own hearts and lives, that their hearts will be captured.

Hearing about ministry, seeing ministry taking place and giving them a place to serve and be needed is the process of captivating their hearts with a passion that will last them their whole lives is the process of shaping them into life-long disciples of Jesus.  Discipleship is not about indoctrination, discipleship is heart work.

Kristen Kill and I have been talking about just these things: How to truly disciple your children and to reach their hearts with the truth and reality of Christ. Hope you enjoy this series in our podcast.

Grace for our failures, Newness covering our Flaws (Own Your Life Fridays) Ch. 3

Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.

BRENNAN MANNING (ABBA’S CHILD)

From a very young age, my youngest daughter Joy never went anywhere without a journal. In her messy and sincere handwriting she chronicled her days, drew pictures, and wrote stories and poems. Sometimes she would climb into my overstuffed chair and read me her entries. To her, life was a story that she had to tell, and as I read the snippets she shared with me I was struck by how enthusiastically and unabashedly she embraced her little stories and memoirs.

Her narratives reveled in the innocent acceptance of both God’s love and the love of her family. We are all in the business of telling a story with our lives.

However, as we get older, sometimes we let voices other than God’s begin to narrate the stories we have to tell.

For many years I allowed critical voices from family and friends dictate how I viewed myself and my story.

"You have made so many mistakes in your past, you can never make up for it."

"Why do you always think of the craziest things to believe and then follow these crazy ideals? You are going to fail and your children will be injured by your lack of wisdom." (critics and family members)

"You fail so often. What right have you to speak or write? If people really knew how flawed and selfish you are at times, they would never want to listen to what you have to say."

"You are not doing enough as a mom and your children are never going to love God or be educated well, because you never accomplish all that you set out to do."

We all have voices in our heads that speak of flaws, fears, guilt, anger--and these thoughts can sometimes take over and bring darkness to our souls.

Culture also became a significant voice in my life constantly making me feel ostracized and uncertain of my countercultural decisions. Often times our critics are our own family members and "believers" in our own arenas. I call them Job's friends--ready to blame  for the things that are going wrong in life when actually God is working at greater purposes.

When we begin to weigh others’ words more heavily than God’s Word, we begin to rehearse narratives about our lives that may not be true. And often, we do not live fruitful or faith-filled Christian lives because instead of looking at God's great capacity to live through us and to accomplish more than we ever could alone, we measure our abilities by our sinful, fallen and flawed self.

Spiritual strength is only found with the Spirit of God living through us--not by us grunting out a works based life that will never measure up. We will never be perfect or adequate on our own, but we are adequate when we walk by faith and live into God's provision for strength, joy, growth and wisdom.

If we are truly to own our lives, we must begin by owning our story and identity spoken to us by our living, loving God.

The secret to owning a new identity is not to try to pretend we are perfect, but to accept our limitations and acknowledge our need for grace.

We all have a mixture of personality traits (good and bad), personal wounds, and sinful habits that make us who we are. Throughout my life, I have often found myself relating to Jesus’s disciple Peter. Like him, I am very sincere, but my mouth often moves faster than my mind. I try very hard to curb my tongue, and then feel incredibly guilty with another slip-up.

It helps me to keep in mind that we live in a fallen world, and try as we might to forget it, we are fallible people; flaws are a part of what it means to be human. Despite my Peter-like personality and weaknesses, I am confident that God is not surprised by my foibles and imperfections, nor even dissuaded from bothering with me because of my failings.

I have long cherished Psalm 103:14, because it reminds me of an important truth that keeps me from giving up: “He Himself knows our frame; He is mindful that we are but dust.”

However, beyond simply accepting our limitations, God wants us to delight in who he intends us to be.

One of the greatest pleasures of raising my children was observing how uniquely and differently God created each of them. I have two extraverts who live verbally, sing, and bring laughter wherever they go. I also have two introverts who are introspective, insightful, and sensitive.

It is my great honor to watch God guide and use them all according to the unique ways he created each of them. As He did with my children, God takes great care with the creation of every person. From eyelashes and earlobes, to heights and weights, to temperaments and traits, He delights in every human he creates—including you!

Learning to accept the special person God has crafted you to be is not prideful; it is an act of faith.

When we can accept who we are—the good and the bad, the fun and the foibles, the common and the quirks—then we can be free to deeply thank and worship the One who designed us out of love for a purpose.

The final element of owning our new identity is letting the deep reality of Christ’s work shape and transform our lives. Isaiah 1:18 describes the work God will do through Christ:

“‘Come now, let us settle the matter,’ says the LORD. ‘Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow.’”

Jesus’ work on the cross means that all who accept Him as Lord and Savior are redeemed and made clean, “knowing this, that our old self was crucified with [Christ], in order that our body of sin might be done away with, so that we would no longer be slaves to sin” (Romans 6:6).

Whatever is in the past stays in the past because when you are “in Christ [you are] a new creature; the old things passed away; behold new things have come” (1 Corinthians 5:17).

We all have many different voices speaking into our lives—spouse, family, friends, church, media, parents, memories. However, too many times the voices we hear speaking to us are our own, narrating opinions and observations that may or may not be true.

Paul seems to understand the nature of those voices inside our heads and hearts when he tells the Christians in Corinth, “We are destroying speculations and every lofty thing raised up against the knowledge of God, and we are taking every thought captive to the obedience of Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5, italics mine). He even suggests that wrong thinking can become a “fortress” that needs to be destroyed (see: 10:3-4).

Our spiritual battle is take those negative thoughts captive and give them to Christ, so our new and true identity can grow and take charge. Listening to the voices of others to determine our worth is a pointless task that will end in disappointment. Only God can truly satisfy, and only in Him can we see our real, redeemed selves. In quietness, and strength, we must learn to listen to the voice that truly knows us and loves us, and can tell us who we really are. We are His.

What is the Ministry of Motherhood? What Really Matters?

I still remember the day years ago when sweet Sarah sat down for a heart to heart with me, tears in her eyes.  The discussion that followed would help me put words to what I believe is the ministry of motherhood--an idea I've written about in the book by that same name.

"Mom, I'm having such doubts in my Christian faith," she began. "So many of the believers I know seem passionless or mediocre, or they've compromised their faith by living immoral or immature lives. I would never believe in God if I had to depend on what I knew about him from many of the people we know!... And so many terrible things have been happening in the world; it's hard to make sense of it. And I want to live a life that's pleasing to Christ, but sometimes I just feel so different from my peers.... And sometimes I wonder if God is really there listening to my prayers at all. Does my life matter to anyone at all?"

I let her pour out her heart without judgment or criticism. Knowing her personal integrity, I was sure her thoughts and feelings came not from a rebellious heart but from an honest desire to find answers only God could give. When she had finished talking, I assured her that God was big enough to sustain her questions and doubts and that he would make himself known to her in his time. Her spirit slowly calmed down.

"You know, Mom, my doubts haven't really driven me away from God; they're driving me closer to him. I really want to have an authentic faith. I want to know the real God who created the stars and gave us the gift of beauty and music and great thoughts. I want a God who is real and worthy of my desire for greatness and purpose. I'm not looking for religion; I want a close and true relationship worthy of my whole life commitment! I want what you and Daddy have. I feel like I'm just beginning to understand what you have been teaching me for so many years."

I realized then, as I have realized before, what my daughter really needs from my husband and me in this fallen, mixed-up world. It's the same thing that all my four children need—and that your children need as well.

They don't need sweet platitudes of faith that will momentarily placate their emotions. They need the authentic strength that comes from the true foundation of a biblical world-view and a proper understanding of the real Christ who is worthy of their worship. They need an unwavering, internal moral and spiritual compass that will help them weather today's storms and tomorrow's and will guide them for the rest of their lives. They also need to see what real faith looks like when lived day in, day out, so they will have a pattern to follow.

The process of providing such gifts to my children is what I've come to think of as the ministry of motherhood. I believe it's central to the calling of anyone God has privileged to bring children into this world.

If you are a mother, it's your ministry too.

The Ministry of Motherhood, which focuses on the ministry of Christ to his disciples and how we can learn from that model, is available on Amazon!

A Little Bit of This and That, A Momheart podcast

"I'm so glad I live in a world where there are Octobers."

Anne of Green Gables

I am loving long walks, golden and red leaves intertwined on my pathways, the sunny days with cool air and the joy of sharing this at home with my sweet Joy and Clay.

Joy and I are reading an Elizabeth Goudge book out-loud.

Long conversations pondering life and what matters have filled my week with my two boys.

Sitting on my deck with Clay and Joy sipping tea and eating warm almond bear-claws.

Sitting with a dear friend in my rocking chairs while catching up on life.

Skyping with Sarah and seeing the insides of her English apartment and treasuring our time to catch up.

Teaching my monthly Bible study and getting to know new women and sharing lives together.

Praying for my children.

Playing music and sitting in flickering candlelight early mornings while reading and pondering Nehemiah and wanting to learn how to more worthily worship God each day.

Walking miles and miles each week through the downtown streets with lovely Victorian homes.

Chatting with Clay every day about life, dreams, ministry, the future.

Making citrus salmon, roasted potatoes and a light greens salad.

These are some of the things filling my days.

What about you? Hope you enjoy our podcast this week. Kristen and I have so much fun but we seem to fly from one subject to another. Thanks for the amazing comments and letters we have gotten to encourage us to keep going. We love hearing from you.

Working on getting the image just right. Kristen and I are both idealistic--not technical! :)

Place Yourself in the Company of Excellent People and Become More Excellent

As I prepare to launch a new book that is really the story of the Clarkson home and family history, (coming out February 2) and also launching our last Mom Heart Conferences, I have been pondering how satisfying it has been to my soul to see God do way more than we could ever ask or think. To seek His heart and then to foray into His work for our family has been a lifelong work that has carried us so many places we could never have imagined.

When we began the mom's conferences 20 years ago, by faith renting a hotel, and putting together messages, writing out our passion, taking a risk that others wanted to hear it, we could not have known what God would do. He took our best offerings, our fish and loaves, and made them more than we could ever believe. All He needed was our willing heart.

Now, almost 40,000 women have attended conferences, and we have seen about 2 generations of moms encouraged and inspired. So now, of course, Clay and I are pondering what should follow this. (Stay tuned, we may have another kind of conference we are pondering for the next 10 years, something much simpler that we could take more places and do more easily. No we are not totally ready to call it a day.) 

So this year, at our conferences, we will be remembering all that God has done, hearing from women all over the world whose lives and legacy has been changed by understanding the Biblical design of motherhood, and whose children have been shaped for God and His kingdom by capturing this message for their children in their home. We want to inspire women to think  of how God will use their own story to change the world.

Our children will be there to share what most impacted them from our home years, what influenced them to want to love and serve God, and their favorite traditions. Women from around the world, who have attended conferences and raised their families will be sharing stories, wisdom and insight about what matters the most in raising a godly legacy. Music and the hundreds of offerings of children's books, a great formal lunch and a few more surprises make this year the best! 

But the conferences are filling up quickly, so be sure to register soon and reserve your hotel room so you can join us for this amazing last year. Register HERE for the conference and for those who want to come to the morning Possibilitea, register HERE. (Please help us reach women in your area by sharing this in your networks.) 

Now for the rest of the story! :)

Sheldonian Library, Oxford

(The library where my girls studied!)

Just about a year ago, I visited my girls, who were both studying in Oxford. But what I was thinking about as I decided to write about legacy for this Monday, is the value of intentionally putting ourselves in places where wise women and men can draw us to our best. Let me know what you think about this article. I love hearing from all of you.

Ah, to walk the ancient streets of Oxford for a week inspired me just about a year ago. I had one free airline ticket and a half week of free hotels and meals, so I grabbed the opportunity to come see two of my favorite people! (Sarah and Joy)

I wondered if the pressure would be too much for my girls--20 2000 word papers in 3 1/2 months--approximately. So much of what we had done was idealistic mixed with chores, ear infections, fusses, and somehow I never felt like I was preparing my children enough.

Positive Peer Pressure

One of the thoughts that has struck a chord in my heart, through every meeting and lots of conversations with Sarah and Joy and their friends, is that they love being here because they are being stretched in such excellent ways. They all feel that they are becoming more of what they were designed to be by having others challenge them to work harder, use mental muscles, to grow beyond where they have been.

When one is in the company of others who challenge them to become their best, there is a sense of honor and gratification that comes from straining towards the positive expectation that people have communicated they can live into. Because the teachers expect the papers to be turned in, the standard is clear writing and an ability to defend their ideas, both girls are working all the time, but instead of finding it a negative experience, they both love the environment. The conversations we shared assured me that their brains are fairly bursting with ideas, understanding and convictions.

I could actually, almost, see their brains growing. It made me wish that I had been so challenged in my own life and it created in me a new hunger to learn and grow in knowledge! The spirit of enthusiasm was almost contagious.

"Mama, it is doing a paper that seems impossible and getting positive feedback that makes me keep going--the integrity to do the work independently out of my own integrity and then seeing that I am capable of so much more than I thought. "

I could actually, almost, see their brains growing.

They actually like being stretched to the hilt and coming out sharpened by the company they are keeping. Most all of the people are here because they want to be excellent in their field and the stakes are high. It is a miraculous privilege that God worked out in an amazing way for them to be here. But the exposure to great thoughts and capable people challenges them to live into their own potential.

"He who walks with the wise will be wise."

"As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17

This has caused me to think about how this applies to our own lives as women. I will be writing about virtue, how to acquire it, how to practice it, envision it, in the weeks ahead,

Because I have seen that the life vision of a woman determines the growth and character  of a women.

This whole aspect of becoming the person/woman God gave us the capacity to become, and to "grow into" is profound in its implications.

If we surround ourselves with others more excellent, whose lives may challenge our own and instruct us beyond our current levels of maturity and capacity, we will always grow and become more excellent, even as my girls are straining towards more excellence by being in the company of those better than themselves in writing and education. It gives them a goal to reach toward.

Don't conform to the world of mediocrity--God created you with such capacity to grow, to deepen, to show the excellencies of His design in and through your life.

This reminded me of a meeting I had this summer with a mentor/older, wiser woman who challenged me by her own life.

Antonio Mancini

"From almost the first few months of marriage, I knew that my life would be difficult. My husband didn't know how to love me and I was lonely most of my life. People supposed that we had a vibrant marriage, but he could never show affection, romance or kindness. But that was the place, this impossible place, where I knew God wanted me to flourish."

Leaves were swirling off the aspen trees as gentle winds caught their handles and purple clouds gathered outside the window. But inside, the crackling fire in the heart, candles lit and a pot of tea steaming, I felt safe, wrapped in a cloak of security and acceptance.

I had occasion to meet with an older missionary I had long admired and was so honored to share this hour together. But it wasn't just the atmosphere that comforted me deep within, it was her story. It is always easy to suppose that godliness is easier for some than it is for others, and I had supposed this about her.

My friend told me:

"I don't know why I am telling you this part of my story at this time, but somehow it may be useful to your own life. I was young and idealistic when I got married, and it did not take long to realize that my husband and I were very different. He has never been able to be romantic or affectionate or kind. His own background prohibited it. And so, others supposed that our missionary work was my greatest accomplishment--what they could observe on the outside. But my real story of spiritual work will be the faithfulness I chose to live out one day at a time when no one but God knew the work of faith that was going on in hidden places.

Most of my days were unnoticed, tedious, the same as yesterday and the day before.

The shaping of children's hearts without input, help or accountability often gave me a sense of insecurity, especially when I knew I had messed up with anger, impatience or despair."

"But it is what you practice, day after day, that builds your integrity, your character, your strength, your message--what you do when no one is looking.

And so this is the place I became spiritually strong. God gave me a testing ground for my soul--this place of being faithful, generous, loving even if I received nothing in return.

This place of difficulty became my greatest lifetime glory. Never underestimate the hidden, unseen acts of obedience."

My own life has been full of struggles of all sorts. Some I write about and some I keep private, to honor those personally involved in my life. Seems like many life issues were not naturally easy for me. And so understanding the deep struggles my friend endured, helped me to feel understood in my own life puzzle.

She had lived the mundane, the draining days, the fears that assail, the insecurities, just like I had in my life. The messages she spoke about were even more meaningful to me now.

Somehow, it is easy for us to think that if others are strong, or leaders in their field, that they naturally came by this godly courage. Yet, my friend's life reminded me that her excellence was built in a real, day by day life. Her messages came out of the experience of seeking God for wisdom amidst challenging, overwhelming circumstances. Her own excellence drove me, even at this stage of my life, to keep stretching and straining towards a more excellent life.

But what I have found over the years,  that the strongest and greatest people I have come to know  became godly because they mounted up over their challenges. But they were able to be strong because they had an understanding of basic Biblical virtues that held them fast, gave them a way forward, informed their decisions.

I know from my own life, it was those times I was tempted to give up, to run away, to be bitter, and yet chose to do the right thing, where the integrity of my own testimony and story was built. In my 60's, I constantly seek ways to grow, to excel, to love more and to live more intentionally for Jesus. My friend's story kept me wanting to move forward on that path.  Seeing that she faced her tests head on and made a place of beauty out of her faith, her fortitude and her personal commitment within the limitation of her story, gave me comfort and the impetus to keep going faithfully through my own life puzzles. This is what deeply encouraged me.

Our circumstances were different. The challenges in our lives were not exactly the same. But to know she had faced her deepest fears, darknesses, confessed her sin to God, strengthened the weak places in her life, faced her selfishness head on and found God's grace to live a flourishing story, is what  encouraged to continue to push through the puzzle of my own life.

A virtuous woman, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. Proverbs 31

My friend was speaking about personal integrity--the character that serves one through life to lead them to practice loving, working hard, being loyal to family and the demanding tasks that involves, choosing to believe in God's goodness in the dark times, serving generously--all of these traits are what come from a life of virtuous living.

Virtue was a concept that captivated the imagination of spiritual leaders in the Victorian Era. A simple definition is moral excellence. Another ancient source that I found suggests that the root of virtue is really "Man Power" or "man strength."

A Need for Virtue

What is Christian virtue? So many lists, books, articles I have been reading reveal different aspects of a Christians look at virtue. However, I believe that since God created us to be like Him, to reflect the character of Christ, Christian virtue is becoming like Christ in our character, moral excellence, faith and obedience.

Virtue arises from the heart. Whatever we cherish there, we will become. Envisioning moral excellence, the specific attributes of Jesus' life that showed us the depth of His love and wisdom, then we shall become more excellent. If we desire to live nobly, with integrity, to be excellent, to love generously, to worship Christ truly, then we will desire to live this out in the moments of our lives, and this will be the grid from which we live and breathe.

However, virtue is more than just a heart attitude. Virtue is all of these attributes lived out in an obedient, disciplined life. It is the doing of noble things we have cherished in our heart. We have spiritual capacity, even as we have muscular capacity. Yet, muscles only become strong with use. And so it is with our virtue. It is a capacity that grows stronger, more mature with practice, daily, yearly over a lifetime.

And so the doing of the noble things we can conceive in our hearts is a reflection of how to acquire a virtuous life.

Ignorance and lack of Biblical education destroys spiritual potential.

Hosea 4: 6, teaches us, "My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge."

When the voices we listen to are relative to scripture, and compromising in nature, then we lose the vision of holiness- and become like the other compromising people surrounding us. Yet, seeking to find and surround ourselves with the strongest Christian women, seeking to practice holiness, wanting to grow in wisdom and knowledge is the knowledge that gives life instead of killing our soul. God is our instructor and wants to stretch us to the sacred life, one set aside for His purposes, a life consecrated that is fuller, better, more fulfilling, capturing eternal purposes.

And so, the same for our children. If we are merely living life with them as a chore to do, a duty to fulfill on a ho hum basis, then our lives will reflect our limited goals. But if we desire them to live into the potential God has placed in their lives, then we will have energy for the task and knowledge to understand how to stretch them in character and virtue which will also stretch ourselves.

People who accept discipline are on the pathway to life, but those who ignore correction will go astray. Proverbs 10:17

I pray my girls will continue walking the pathways of discipline that they may grow fully into their potential.

I pray you, too, will find your challenges, a place of great blessing in the long view of your life, as you grow stronger each.

Controlling Your Chaos (Own Your Life Friday Ch. 2)

I choose to believe that there may be a thousand big moments embedded in this day, waiting to be discovered like tiny shards of gold ... the daily, tiny moments of courage and forgiveness and hope that we grab on to and extend to one another.

SHAUNA NIEQUIST (COLD TANGERINES)

I love, love, love autumn. And so I am sharing some of my home photos with you today--in no order, but just fun pics I have been taking around my house this fall.

The sunny but cool days with a carpet of leaves to crunch under my foot and the glory of reds, golds, yellows and orange singing from every tree fills me to the brim with happiness. I am taking time to enjoy and breathe in the beauty. Each day since I have been home, (even though my suitcase is not totally unpacked and my house not wholly straightened), I have sipped tea on my front porch in front of my aspens and paused to notice the beauty.

I am also Owning my Life this fall by saying no to some commitments. My daughter, Joy, is here for a few months and I am drinking in the pleasure of her being here again as often as I can. We two are kindred spirits, and spend our time together giggling, chattering and enjoying the same things. I am also in the midst of writing a new book or two, (that just came my way), even though my newest book has not yet been released. (And I will tell you about it soon--as it is one of my favorites!)

So, I may not be able to do as many podcasts as I might have if she was not home, (sorry! But Kristen and I have some already planned for you)

And I do not get to all of my correspondence. (just too much to do and too few hours, but I soooo love hearing from you. I just do not always get to answer back, as the day is over before I get to do all I want to do.)

But this year, I am seeking to breathe in peace, to be centered, to love well each day.

It means I cannot do everything or please every voice in my life, but I am happy to be living with a peaceful heart for choosing the commitments I think will be most important in the long run.  

Now, I am clearing moments in my days to enjoy her and taking time to write messages in new books that I think will last long after I am not writing any more. (Thanks to my publisher, Tyndale, who keeps wanting more.)

What about you? What are you saying "no" to? What are you saying yes to? How are you controlling the chaos, or the "too busy" days? I hope this article will encourage you, and I hope you will take time this weekend to figure out how you want to Own Your Fall and home this year, so you can breathe peace each and every day.

Today's article:

Controlling Your Chaos

Baking chocolate chip cookies for the first time is a rite of passage in our family. I can remember the first time I helped my youngest son crack eggs, melt butter, and measure out dry ingredients. His little chest puffed with pride as he busied around the kitchen.

At one point, I turned around to answer the phone, and in the space of five seconds I heard a click, a whir, a “poof!” and a distressed five-year-old yelp. I turned around to see the kitchen enveloped in a cloud of flour, and my little baker boy with a look of surprise and desperation written in his furrowed eyebrows.

You can imagine my quick response. I dashed over, turned off the mixer, wiped off the flour from his terror-white face, put the lid on and helped him use the mixer correctly.

The natural response to chaos should be to stop it, clean up the effects of chaos, assess and fix the problem, and carry on. However, I think that when we encounter chaos in life, we often do not respond this way.

(At sunset, looking out over my porch from my rocking chair.)

I so often hear women wanting to know how to “find peace in the chaos,” rather than taming the chaos itself.

Imagine if, upon discovering the whirling, open blender, I said to my son, “Now, let’s just try to create peace in this chaos.” If we approach the chaos of our lives this way, we will either try to ignore the reality of it at our own peril, or we will focus only on the chaos and become caught in a life of damage-control.

Rather, we need to respond to it realistically, managing it wisely and objectively. The goal is a rich and fruitful life of living for the kingdom despite the reality of chaos. To begin managing the chaos in our lives, we must learn to identify the sources of chaos, isolate the voices that keep us from owning our lives, and learn to build our lives on a good foundation. Sources of chaos can be different in every person’s life.

Perhaps you have difficulty drawing boundaries and saying “no,” and that creates a life of chaotic attempts to please everyone by responding to their requests and needs. Perhaps you are an uncontrolled spender who finds yourself under pressure because of the fruits of your lack of frugality.

Perhaps you are not blessed with the gift of organization and your stuff, records, closet, and life are out of control.

Perhaps your calendar controls you, rather than you controlling it.

Whatever your sources of chaos, they cannot be managed until you acknowledge their power and presence in your life.

Once you have pinpointed sources of chaos in your life, you can become proactive and strategic in finding ways to manage chaos. Perhaps, as in the case of my sweet boy and the mixer, this means you must “turn off” the source of chaos for a while to reassess your priorities.

Identifying and strategically handling the chaos in your life will enable you to be in control of the chaos rather than letting the chaos of your life control you. Sometimes it may be as simple as separating yourself from the source of chaos long enough to make a new plan.

Often the chaos around us is not caused by uncontrollable circumstances, but by the incessant and confusing voices that call us in a thousand different directions. With all of the voices of media, friends, family, and church, we can become paralyzed in our good intentions to own our lives. The sheer volume of voices telling us how we ought to live or who we ought to be can become a chaos in itself.

I have often said that in the absence of biblical convictions even good people will go the way of culture. To truly own your life, you must identify the voices and messages that you are allowing to let shape your thoughts and emotions, and influence your life.

Before we can own our lives, we must learn to let God and his Word be the voice we listen to most closely. Part of owning life is living life, and life is inevitably messy once in a while.

Many years I ago, I reconciled myself to the fact that life will always be full of storms, ear-infected children, and flat tires. However, I also learned that the ability to handle the unexpected waves of life boils down to having a solid foundation from which to engage with life. Jesus speaks about building our lives on the rock of His words (Matthew 7:24-27).

To own our lives then means that not only do we manage chaos, but we develop and live out of strong biblical foundations. To stay strong in the storms of life, we must have a life founded securely on the rock of biblical truth.

May you find a way to bring order to your life, getting rid of chaos, and enjoy these glorious days and this season of life.

Chapter 2 of Own Your Life speaks of what it takes to control the chaos. Thanks for all of you who have written lately to tell me how much this book helped you. Hope you are enjoying these reviews of the content. (For those who have asked me, the content in the book is different than the content of this blog.)