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“The One who knew said, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of Heaven.” Happy, that is are those people who know that their spiritual power is small, that their creeds are imperfect, that their instruction concerning God and man is incomplete. Happy are those who know that they do not know all of the truth,. For only those who admit their spiritual poverty are willing to learn. Agnes Sanford, 1897-1982
The older I get, the more I see my own propensity to be petty, selfish, small minded in the way I view life. Of course, because I love God, I have sought His wisdom, learned to obey His ways, sought to overcome my shortcomings. Yet, I see that He has been patient with me and is ever ready, because of His unchanging love, to receive me, to extend grace, to give me a place of peace and acceptance when I come to Him every day.
But, my shepherd, leads me beside still waters, He restores my soul. He is the one who takes responsibility for my training, my growth, my well being.
Seems that when I write on child discipline, I always get the most interest and controversy at the same time. I would never want to offend anyone, but it is a huge issue and debate amongst believers. My desire is to offer, perhaps, some perspective and to encourage parents in this role. I never want to offend or hurt anyone's feelings, and yet, I have learned the a gentle answer turns away wrath. Our sweet children need our gentleness and patience even as we need God's.
But the questions keep coming: How do we do it? What is the method? What are the rules for every single situation, age, and how to match the discipline to the action? What to do? What to do?
And yet, I have realized over the years that the most important element to a Christian parent, in regards to discipline, is not the method, but the heart attitude towards God as a Father of us.
Let me define two words, though, that helps to define the way we look at God, and the way we might see our children.
Advocate: One who supports the life, cause, actions of another. To be supportive, for the best outcome of the one they are defending, serving, helping
Adversary: One who is at odds with, actively against, opposes or resists another’s personality, behavior or beliefs.
Advesarial Parenting
If one believes that God is works oriented, possibly harsh in correcting our sin, looking for what we do wrong,, relentless in pursuing our keeping of the law, then one will be more likely to be harsh in discipline, and feel it is an obligation of parents to correct and point out every flaw of character and immaturity of a child. It is a belief-- that correct behavior is the goal. Consequently, at the heart of this method is control of the one who makes mistakes. Many parents I know honestly believe in harsh discipline methods, with a good heart, thinking they are saving their child's soul. This is the parent who embraces adversarial parenting.
Advocate Parenting
However, I believe that the more a person truly understands the character of God and His mercy and love and patience and servant's heart as a parent toward his children, then one must adopt the role of an advocate towards their children as God is our advocate. Even as the Holy Spirit is our advocate and as Jesus lives daily to intervene and to pray for us, His children, so God is there to help us, to love us, to draw us, through His love and mercy, to His holiness.
Indeed, God is our advocate and models to us a parent's love that eventually ended for him in sacrificing His whole life for the sake of His children.
What about training? Obviously, because God wants our best, His spirit is constantly instructing us, convicting us, reminding us, blessing us as we seek to obey His wisdom. But maturity is a lifetime process, a journey from babyhood to adulthood and wisdom—even the way children were born reflects this.
We believed in cultivating a parenting style that focussed on our children’s hearts, their growth, their desire to please us and God with respectful obedience.
High love and high training was the way we sought to reach and train our children’s hearts. We saw the God given potential in each of them, the abundant design in their lives to become strong, holy, exhibiting the very character and virtue of God. That is why we wrote the 24 Family Ways—to give them leadership, instruction about the ways to live a godly life.
When a person knows what is expected, understands the concept and can grow in the direction of truth, the muscles of behavior become stronger. And so we sought to teach our children truth and the knowledge of basic righteousness. And we used this instruction to give them a way forward and to correct them when they chose to drift from the truth we presented to them as the ways of God.
In other words, it is:
Instructing: Teaching the ways and truth of God
Giving stories, metaphors to help understand this truth as Jesus did
Clearly helping our children to understand that they have a will, the ability to choose to obey or to rebel.
We helped them understand there were consequences to their choices: blessing if they chose to follow God’s ways, correction or despair and darkness for choosing to turn away. (life has its own consequences built in)
We corrected them based on what they understood and also according to their age and ability to understand.
“Train up a child in the way he should go, And even when he is old he will not depart from it.” Proverbs 22:6 is known by so many of us. Training is a lifelong process. It is an instruction, correction, consequences over and over again sort of teaching—and understanding of it grows over time.
The reason God admonished parents to teach their children morning, noon, and night and in between was because he wanted them to understand it was a way of life sort of responsibility—
“And you shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These words I am commanding youtoday are to be upon your hearts. And you shall teach them diligently to your children and speak of them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up.…” Deut. 6:5-7
First, His truth and ways are to be on our hearts because we are storing them up every day, through the years. Then, we are to gently give instruction, modeling, showing the ways of righteousness in all the organic ways we live in relationship to our world and to others.
Teaching isn’t just in a devotional reading for 5 minutes a day, it happens as a way of seeing life all day, every day, through all the years.
Even as Romans tells us that God is for us, (If God is for us, who can be against us? Romans 8:31) so our children long to know we are “for” them and that they can come to us at all times in all situations because they have learned to trust that we are their advocates.
And we remember that even as we are drawn to God because of HIs mercy and love, so will our children be.
“Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?” Romans 2:4
And so we become our children’s advocates, always for them, defending them, protecting them and helping them grow as we extend the mercy, kindness and teachings of God.
We see that King David was a man who often sinned, who made mistakes, who asked God for forgiveness, but who sought God with all of his heart. And David saw God as the great sheered who cared for him, led him, restored his soul. Psalm 23 is a beautiful picture of our God as a shepherd caring for us, His sheep. And so we seek to understand this relationship that we might shepherd our own children.
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The next months, I will be repeating the 24 Family Ways as a foundation for passing on truth and wisdom to our children and also as an objective way we may train, correct, lead them forward in the ways of God.
I will also be doing a special podcast series on biblical concepts, based on the life example and words of Christ, that I hope will lead all who listen to biblical concepts that give us direction and leadership in our ways.
Books Referenced in this Podcast:
