Memories that last and refresh the soul

The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched ... but are felt with the heart.Helen Keller

The ideals which have lighted me on my way and time after time given me new courage to face life cheerfully, have been Truth, Goodness, and Beauty. The ordinary objects of human endeavour - property, outward success, luxury - have always seemed to me contemptible. Albert Einstein

 Every once in a while, Clay and I take an overnight to get away together. (the picture is at the top of the mountain at Dawson's grave) Clay is my best friend, heart companion, who in the midst of our very busy life with our 4 kids, never gets enough alone time to talk! Usually the purpose of getting alone is to pray, read scripture and plan our ministry for the next six months to a year and to go out to dinner all by ourselves! It is always good for us to be away alone. I think because we both feel we are called together to be involved in something bigger than ourselves, often the glue that has drawn us even closer, even in years of stress and difficulty, is the sense that we are a part of God's kingdom work and he has something for us to do during our lifetime.

    Though I sometimes become weary of traveling and writing and speaking, the one thing that drives me is meeting so many young adults who are lost--emotionally and spiritually and who have scars. Often, their growing up years have been wrought with such havoc because of their parent's selfish decisions, they don't even have a place in their mind or experience to understand the truth about God's reality.  Since I  see this sadness and sorrow and brokenness so often, it drives me to do my part in encouraging and training and teaching young parents about their Biblical design to love, nurture and train their children in righteousness while cultivating a deep love for God. Our  deep love and appreciation for the Lord and all the ways He has blessed us through knowing Him and His ways, keeps fueling the fire of our faith and messages. But getting away to dream really helps to keep us going.

So last week, Clay and I stayed at the wonderful Glen Eyrie retreat center (the view of the castle at Glen Eyrie from our bench at the top of the hike) to pray, plan and talk. Clay is the architect and visionary planner, so we dreamed and talked about what we would pursue in the coming year. Late in the afternoon, we decided to hike up to the grave of Dawson Trottman, the founder of the Navigator's ministry, who I mentioned last week. We sat at the bench where I had met with Nathan and my other children before.

On the way down, we walked by such a lovely scene that immediately my mind and heart drew back to a delightful memory in my childhood. (Clay took a picture of the iris below on our hike.) My mother had a rose garden in one of the homes in which we grew up as little children. My favorite rose was a peace rose--pink, yellow and white. I delighted in wondering around all the rose bushes and picking a beautiful bud just before dinner, to put on the table, when my mother allowed. However, every spring, she had another bed devoted to purple iris.

My mom was involved in a garden club--mostly social, but once a year, they had a flower show. When I was around ten, my mom said to me, "How would you like to enter the flower show this year? I think you should try your hand at picking and arranging a couple of flowers, as I think you might just have an artistic touch!"

I still remember how excited I was that she would share from her treasured garden with me. I arose early the morning before the show to ponder which flowers I would use. Though there actually were some young rose buds begging for my attention, my eyes were drawn to the lovely velvety purple iris. I pondered long and hard which one I thought was the most beautiful. I wanted just one beautiful iris to stand tall in a lovely crystal vase I had picked out from my mother's china cabinet. Finally, I eyed one iris that seemed to stand out above them all and it was absolutely perfect--seeming to have just opened up. My mom helped me to cut it lower than I was inclined to do. As we walked toward the house, I spotted some yellow yarrow. "I think I will put just a few sprigs of the yellow yarrow around the iris to bring out the beautiful center," I said outloud.

I still remember the butterflies in my tummy as I proudly held my beautiful iris in the car on our way to the competition. I didn't want anything to injure or shift the delicate positioning of my work of art! We entered the large ball room where dozens of a varieties of flowers were standing according to category. The perfume of such glorious flowers overpowered us as we walked amongst the array of colors and variety. I found my spot with my name and carefully placed my flower upon the table. Perhaps it was my first experience at true love. Even though there were countless other entries, when I looked upon the whole room as I was leaving, it seemed to me that my single iris with the few wisps of yarrow was breathtakingly beautiful and outstanding above all other arrangements. My category was children's artistic arrangements.

I went to bed early that night just so I could quit wondering if mine would win a ribbon or not. It seemed the next morning that breakfast took forever. Couldn't my mom speed just a little bit to get there earlier, I pondered as we drove to the auditorium? As I walked in, I quickly found my beauty--and there, taped to the side of the vase was a bright blue, " first place "ribbon! First in it's class, the little card on the ribbon said. I don't remember getting many ribbons when I was a child, so it meant a whole lot!

All of these feelings came upon me in an instant-- a memory from 45 years ago--when Clay and I happened upon a spray of lovely, purple iris.  I still felt proud and happy. I felt that warm, beautiful feeling that brought  a smile to my face, of the pleasure of my mother's trust in me to share her treasures--her prized flowers and the sweet closeness she shared with me alone in the experience of working on it, hoping and celebrating the moment together--just me and my mother--all by ourselves.I just had to share it with you.

Blessings of beauty this week!

Sally

Sally@wholeheart.org

Seize the Moment--it will never come again.

Dear Moms, I am so very happy to have finally reached summer! What a blessing to have fewer activities, longer days of sunshine, many more fresh fruits and veggies and more leisurely days with my family and friends! But summer also represents to me, a time to sow—a time to garden! I especially see this as a time to purposefully sow into my children’s souls and memories!

When I wrote the new version of Season’s of a Mother’s heart, I included a story about Nathan in the summer sections. Summer is that season where you have a window time to cultivate and sow seeds for a window of time, when the window is closed—just as the time to plant seeds and grow a garden closes, we cannot go back. The time has passed. I have observed this in many areas, many years.

The particular story about Nathan concerned his summer after he graduated from high school. By that time, Nate was already busy with work and friends and activities. So I knew that when he had free time for me to be with him, I wanted to make it special so that he would look forward to other such times. Seems to me that if I want to have an open heart to speak to, I have to invest the time to fill my children's emotional cups, first--even if it means filling their stomach!

To make a long story short, (and you can read about it in the new book), I made time to take Nathan out for coffee and lunch and then took him to a beautiful spot in the mountains to pray with him and dedicate his adult life to the Lord. It was a very memorable moment and we had a lot of fun! And he even held my hand as we prayed together! When the time was over, Nate said, “Mom, I think my friends should hear what you told me today! Not all of them are committed to the Lord, but I know they would all love to eat! Why don’t you make them steak dinners, and fully loaded baked potatoes and homemade bread and a chocolate cake and then they will listen to any thing you say!

So, a week later, I invited his friends and had such a party and shared scripture with the boys and gave them a send-off speech, (I know that God can use you boys to change the world if you choose to follow Him speech.)  These darling, funny, hunks of boys, all huddled up around me and asked me to pray for them. So I prayed my heart out in as cool a way as I could—and can just see them in my minds eye, even now, so wanting their lives to be special

Since then, a number of moms who have read that chapter, have asked me to post what I said to the boys on my blog or write it into a newsletter! The whole 30 minute speech would be too long, but I did decide to include the verses I used and just a few comments. Here are the main verses I used.

1.  Above all, "Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all, all the things you need to live your life will be added to you." (Matt 6:33 Seeking first the kingdom comes with the understanding that we are only temporarily living in this world, but everything we do and choose in this world will have implications in heaven--where Jesus' Kingdom will be lived for eternity. We have this time given to us to be faithful, bold, lifegiving, generous. Choose to see everything you do through the lense of eternity. Seek first, as you make decisions, to make them in light of His Kingdom and His righteousness and you will build and store treasures for all of eternity!

2.  The most important thing God wants from you is to love Him. He doesn’t expect you to be perfect any more than Peter was perfect, but He can work with a man who serves Him from the depth of his heart. “You shall love the Lord with all of your heart—your personality, passions, dreams, purpose—value Him above all others. Love Him in the way you speak to others, treat others. Love Him in and through all of your actions and then you will know what is acceptable and what is not moral or right to do!  Love Him with all of your mind—let only those thoughts that honor him fill your mind. Fill your mind with His words, read great books, only watch those movies and engage in those areas of thinking that are worthy of His greatness.

Along with this verse, remember that God’s is looking for men of a faithful heart and He tells us that, “The eyes of the Lord move to and fro throughout the earth that He may strongly support those whose heart is completely His.” II Chronicles 16:9

3. Love your neighbor as yourself. God is a relational God and you are like Him when you choose to be loving, forgiving and gracious to people. When you love unconditionally, you are acting out God's divine nature.

4.  Remember that each of you has a personality, strengths, messages and skills that God has created you with uniquely. He also says in Ephesians 2:10, “For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.” He has something for you to do in this world in your life-time that no one else can accomplish. Ask Him to show you what you have been designed to do, how you are to bring His light in the world, how you can be a redeemer to bring His truth, hope and beauty to all that you meet. When you follow Him where He has designed you to go, you will have His power, blessings and resources to complete it. Seek to do His work in His power and in submission to His will and you will be used by Him mightily.

5.  In a world that is separated from God, you will encounter many battles and times of difficulty where your resolve to be committed to God will be tested. The one thing Satan would most love to accomplish is to have God’s redeemed quit believing in Him and His goodness or to fall into temptation and end in despair. First, write down your non-negotiables. What are the morals you will keep? What are the commitments you want to make? Write them on a slip of paper to keep in your wallet or in your cell phone. Review and read and pray over these often. If a soldier is going to go into battle, he needs to know that his enemy is out to get him. He must take precaution in order to win the battle.

Next, though, remember that God wants loyal children. Remember that believing in God, praying to Him, expecting Him to work is the secret to a life that will always have the grace to be resilient in any situation! Hebrews 11:1 and 6 informs us about faith—Faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. A man who can hold fast, be patient, wait for God is indeed a man who God will use. “And without faith it is impossible to please God for He who comes to God must believe that He is and that He is a rewarder of those who seek Him. When you trust in God’s resources, He will accomplish great things—kill giants, open pathways! Just keep believing!

This was the main part of what I shared with them--but I must stop now so the article won't be too long!  Just one more thought, though. When I make time to celebrate life with my children and honor them as my treasured friends, it lays a foundation in their hearts that is also open to my influence.

************************************************************************* Such a time also happened with Joy this week. Last Monday marked Joy, who is my youngest, 13th birthday.Though we had been out of town for a conference in Florida for 5 days, we knew that it was a day to celebrate and acknowledge. Birthday breakfast and all that goes with it was lots of fun as well as a grill-out with friends that evening. But, every time our children turn 13, Clay and I feel we need to usher our children into young adulthood with our own personal time with them. A sweet friend of mine and her daughter went to an overnight at a hotel. (I had free points!) We treated the girls as lovely girls—a little package of lotion, a scrubbing mask, treats before dinner with candlelight, and chocolate cake and milk (all brought from home!) We shared dinner, shopping for a whole evening, swimming to top off the day.

The next day, we had a leisurely breakfast and then ended our time together with tea at a lovely café new to us. (It is in historic downtown Littleton, Colorado near Denver. Called Serendipi TEA Shoppe, and if you go there, please tell her you heard about her from us--a very sweet, lovely woman. ) We all donned hats and especially enjoyed the warm, crusty scones with clotted cream—delicious! The hours together provided time for great conversation, prayer and giggles. As the youngest, Joy has often had to compete with the older kids for attention. When we came home, she hugged me fast and said, “Mommy, you can’t even imagine how much fun it was to be with you all by yourself! I love you!

God bless you with "seize the moments"--moments all summer as you seek to sow seeds of righteousness in open hearts!

Sally

Sally@wholeheart.org

PS I cannot figure out how to answer comments as typepad is new to me! A sweet mom suggested that there are moms who think spiritual input should be left to the husbands. Look at Proverbs 8 and 9--Wisdom is always personified as a woman calling out to young men to live pure lives. Paul tells about Timothy's mother and grandmother who taught him scripture. God used Esther to influence the King to protect the Jews. Proverbs 31 tells us that the teaching of wisdom is to be on the tongue of a godly woman. Clay married me because he loved my mission letters home. We have both felt that it takes both of us, all the time, whenever possible to breathe spiritual breath into the lives of our children. I am so privileged to be home during the daytime hours when all of my children's friends are around. We have lots of people over for dinners at night when Clay can be there, but part of a woman's strength is to pray and to civilize nations right from her home! May He bless your spiritual impact in and from your home!

Remain Steadfast

Patience--the ability of bearing up under trials without complaining When I travel and speak, whether in church venues, mom's groups or homeschooling conferences, I often meet personally with women who want to share what is on their heart. I am often amazed at the loads that so many people bear. As a matter of fact, I see that so many of my beloved friends have a continuous stream of trials and difficulties in their lives. Clay and I also seem to have lots of issues in every season of life. At this juncture, I find myself dealing with health issues with several in my family (has been a constant over the last 20 years)--which always means lots of bills and doctor's appointments. We also have big financial issues--with the ministry, with our children and with our home---new projects, book publishing, staff issues; cars, insurance,  and college and room and board, and summer projects and lessons issues with each of our older children as they attempt to make ends meet and we attempt to help them; family issues with our relatives;  and as our moms get older and on and on. Some of these areas of our lives have lived with us for many years without let up and often years of prayers have yet to be answered.

So, also, as I have lived life and observed the lives of those in Biblical times and my friends, I have indeed come to the conclusion  (many times!) that burdens are a part of living in a fallen world. With the immorality and lack of Biblical foundations, so prevalent in our culture,  finding companions and friends and appropriate life styles for our adult children has been an issue for them and for us. How we long to be able to see them settled with like-minded, spiritual companions, but it seems to be common with others their age that we meet all over the US. The falling economy and expenses of gasoline and the rising costs of food are an issue to everyone I know. This is reminiscent of the days of Christ when the Jews so struggled with the oppression of the Romans and their many taxes. Of course, some of the disciples (the zealots) were looking for immediate reprieve--a kingdom on earth. They wanted a "Shangrila" on earth.

I have been led in my own life, lately, to study the concept of patience and steadfastness and perseverance. It has been so enlightening to me personally. I will probably write more later, but just thought I would put down a couple of things I have been learning.

First, I went to the passage about "God causes all things to work together for good for those who love Him, and to those who are called according to His purpose." The verse just after this indicates how God works things together, "For whom He foreknew, He predestined to become conformed to the image of His son."

Working together for the good seems to be bound up in training us to be holy--(God disciplines us that we may share in His holiness. Hebrews 12:10) He clearly doesn't not have the short term getting everything we want in mind--but our character--knowing that our ultimate happiness is dependent on our ability to love the  things that are eternal and really satisfy and learning not to depend on the temporary things that keep us from depending on the Lord.

I met with a young mom this weekend. She had been abandoned by her husband and left with three small children to raise on her own. Having been raised in a very conservative Christian family, she had been shocked by her divorce, having never considered that it would happen to her. Having been through almost ten years of fending for her own and seeking to make ends meet, she was at a new point of attempting to work at home, so that she could be with her children even more. However, it was her vibrant and resilient spirit that drew me to her.

"I look back over the past few difficult years and am so thankful for my life. This journey has broadened my soul so much. I appreciate God's love for me more; I have so much more compassion and understanding for other women who have struggled that I never had before; I have a broad-based ministry to moms like me that  is more than I could have imagined; and I feel like I really depend on those eternal blessings that really satisfy me and my children than looking to things and experiences to fulfill my life. God has indeed been good to me."

Her beautiful, light-filled eyes and joy greatly blessed me. She saw God's hand  and presence behind the burdens of her life. I am learning to see God's shadow behind all that is in my life. He has used it all so faithfully over the years, but I did so need to see the eternal benefits of Steadfastness. A verse before I go. (Joy and I and a friend of mine and her daughter are going to an overnight in Denver to celebrate girl's time together to celebrate her 13th! Shopping, giggling, eating together and swimming. Then Clay will take her out to bless her with a give me your heart talk and dinner date alone with the presentation of a beautiful ring while I am on my way to Sacramento!)

And may the Lord direct your hearts into the love of God and into the steadfastness of Christ. II Thes. 3:5

Now, may the God who gives perseverance and encouragement grant you to be of the same mind with one another according to Jesus Christ. (May we encourage and give one another life-giving words of perseverance!) Romans 15:5 Love and grace to you all! I am off to enjoy chocolate cake with my sweet ones! Sally Sally@wholeheart.org

 

Blog Radio

Dear Sweet Moms, I had such a great time in Florida last weekend meeting so many kindred spirits! So fun to hear of lots of you finding our books as long as 10-12 years ago! Today is Joy’s 13th birthday, so we are all on the go! I promise to write a longer article for the blog later. Looking so forward to joining all of moms in Sacramento next weekend! Directions for joining us live on blogradio:

I will be discussing the philosophy and principles that Clay and I have written about in their book, “Educating The Wholehearted Child” and in the new updated “Seasons of A Mother’s Heart.”

You don’t want to miss this BlogTalk Radio broadcast of Beginning With The End In Mind so be sure to join us live on Tuesday, May 27th at 3 p.m. EST , 2 p.m.CST; 1 p.m. MST and 12 West Coast, by visiting the  website www.theendinmind.net and clicking on the sidebar link for BlogTalk Radio OR you can go directly to www.blogtalkradio.com/theendinmind and just click on the date of the broadcast.

If you are unable to join us live, you can still hear the broadcast by following the same directions and then clicking on the archived program of your choice.

Many blessings to all of you!

Sally

Sally@wholeheart.org

A New Blogging Home

Dear Blogging Mom Friends, I realized that many of you do not know that my husband and I have a ministry and send out newsletters to moms once in a while! I thought I would insert my most recent newsletter in a post today, so that you can know some of my other life--speaking, writing, teaching on the issues of Motherhood--because we at Whole Heart think all of you are quiet special. I am so excited to have a much better look on this blog as I was limited to my own lack of knowledge and experience on my old blog. But Sarah, my daughter and kindred spirit designed something that was so much more me! So I hope you enjoy it! You can sign up on my newsletter list by going to www.wholeheart.org and then you will hear about our conferences, books and have articles along the way. I am off to Orlando, Florida in an hour and look so forward to seeing many of you kindred spirits this weekend. Have a great weekend! I will be back on blog next week if I get free from Joy's 13th birthday to write to all of you. I so appreciate the letters and comments--have just not had time to respond lately. Please forgive me! Sally

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Dear Sweet Moms,

It has been a while since I have written to you, but lots has been going on with the Clarksons and with Whole Heart Ministries. It seems the more I teach Bible studies here in Colorado and the more I meet with moms when I travel, I feel more than ever that I want to invest as much time and effort to encourage and inspire moms to understand how very important their relationship is to developing the character of the next generation in their home! You are all so very precious to the Lord and your labor for Him is absolutely necessary. I see more and more teens who have so many emotional scars and destructive emotional baggage and believe that moms can play a strategic role in the future of the lives of these precious ones and the next generation. Clay, our ministry architect, has been working on a plan that we will tell you about very soon—to better reach more moms and to provide a network of encouragement for moms all over the world.

There are several fun things that the Lord has brought our way in the last months. First, we were privileged to have Ministry of Motherhood published in Dutch last year. (Soon our books will be in six languages-Chinese, Korean, Polish, Dutch, French and English!) I received the most interesting letter from Kor, Erna and Bauke Stelma, the lovely Dutch family who helped to get this book published in Holland. Here is what Erna said,

In the Netherlands, the 30th of April is a day of special celebration called Queen's Day. It's the national celebration of our queen Beatrix's birthday (she actually has her real birthday the 31st of January). This year, the queen came to Franeker (our place of residence) to celebrate the day with the inhabitants of our municipality. Yesterday something happened of which I thought you might love to hear.De roepingvan het moederschap (The Ministry of Motherhood in Dutch). And eventually, he gave princess Laurentien a copy of the book! She is the wife of our prince Constantijn, the brother of prince Willem-Alexander, wh o will become king as soon as queen Beatrix abdicates. We sincerely hope that she will read the book and that it will work on her heart! I attached a photograph. To the left, you see our publisher Dingeman van Wijnen, then princess Laurentien and finally Albert de Vos, de other publisher, the one who handles the publication of De roeping van het moederschap with us.

Our publisher, Dingeman van Wijnen, acted out one of the former professor sof Franeker (in earlier years our city had a theological university, the second in the Netherlands (after Leiden)). He prepared a book table for the Royal Family to enjoy. One of the books he presented was

So, the Lord arranged for a real princess to receive our book! Please pray for the Lord to open many doors for mothers to be encouraged to invest in their children’s lives in Holland! We are so grateful for the work our friends are doing there to reach these young moms! If any of you would like to order an English copy, you can order it through www.wholeheart.org. If there is anyone reading this who would like to order it in Dutch, you can order it through the website here: www.deroepingvanhetmoederschap.nl

Season’s Video Series

Finally, we have been experimenting with starting to do videos as support Bible studies for each of my books. A very talented young man, John Lane, has videotaped an introduction and 4 chapter talks to accompany Seasons of a Mother’s Heart. You may go to Godtube to see a sample of these videos. Please give me your feedback and send your friends to the video to help us reach more people so that we can see the responses of moms who don’t even know us. If we have a good response and can raise support for these projects, we might even do a video series for Mission of Motherhood; Ministry of Motherhood and The Mom Walk; as well as Educating the Whole Hearted Child. This would make our lectures available to families all over the world!

I pray each of you may know the unconditional love and grace of our precious Lord and sense His presence and blessings in your life this summer. I so appreciate every letter and emails. I am not always on top of responding to every letter, but I read every one and our family prays for all of you! Heartfelt thanks, too, for all of you who support our ministry and help us to reach families all over the world. We could never do so much publishing and so many projects without the generous donations of so many. May all of you find rest and refreshment and fun for your souls this summer!

Many blessings, Sally

Sally@wholeheart.org

About Whole Heart

The MinistryWhole Heart Ministries is the ministry my husband Clay and I began in 1994. We are dedicated to helping Christian parents raise wholehearted children who will live for Christ. We both write and speak at conferences around the US and internationally. To browse our books or find a nearby conference, you can visit the Whole Heart website.

Whole Heart's Mission The mission of Whole Heart Ministries is “to encourage and equip Christian parents to build a biblical home and a godly heritage by nurturing, discipling and educating their children at home.” Whole Heart Ministries strives to serve Christian parents and their children worldwide through ministries of speaking, teaching, training, writing and publishing that focus on the biblical and practical aspects of home nurture, home discipleship, and home education. Our ultimate objective is to come alongside Christian parents to help them prepare their children to become Christian leaders in the next generation.

 

Whole Heart Conference Ministries          WholeHearted Mother Conference & Retreats      WholeHearted Child Home Education Workshop

Whole Heart Ministries Press      Educating the WholeHearted Child      The 24 Family Ways      Seasons of a Mother’s Heart      Journeys of Faithfulness      Just David      The Gold Thread      Speaking and Conference Tapes

Additional Ministries

     Speaking and Conference Ministries

     HOME Away from Home

     Whole Heart Online Web Site and Bookstore

The Value of Self-Government and Will Training

Not too long ago, I was meeting with a sweet mom in a coffee shop and she brought her two children along. They were sweet children, but they were all over her and ran her ragged. I was talking with my older children later about it and asked them what we did differently. It was humorous to hear how opinionated they were, but it also reminded me how intentionally we taught them to be patient and to wait their turn--because they all remembered it the same way. It is the concept that I call self-government--probably a Victorian character quality that I read about along the way and in a book about the principle approach to life. The definition of self-government is the idea that a person learns to command himself, his impulses, his work habits, his emotions, His intellect and talents and rule over his will in a productive way. Children can begin this at a very early age, but it is also of utmost importance to adults--as one cannot be a mature believer unless one has mastered self-government and self-control and patience.

The idea behind self-government is that all of us have a power and authority over life that comes from within that can help us to master problems, obstacles, and can use our self-will to achieve great things. It is not about gutting out life in the flesh without the power of God, but it is the idea that we have a moral character that can be strengthened and under girded by our will and by practice. He who has cultivated this kind of strong character is useful and productive in almost all areas of life. It is what helps a believer to exercise faith and courage and perseverance in the midst of trials. It is what helps a pianist to practice long hours, an athlete to exercise rigorously in order to become a champion, a missionary to master a language and remain faithful in a foreign country until there is a multiplying ministry; a wife to bear up with grace when married to an immature husband; a mother who continues over and over to practice patience with a sick or rebellious child--governing life by mature, faith-based choices, not by feelings.

An effective way that we taught this to our children was through training. Usually it started out with will-training. The biblical principle for this is found in Deuteronomy. God tells the Israelites to obey Him, and if they do, they will be blessed. If they don't obey, they will be cursed--there were consequences to their decisions. So He says, "So choose life and obey me so that you may live!" Similarly, in life all choices have consequences. Our children need to understand that "what we sow we will reap."

I used to say to my children over and over again. "Daddy and I cannot make you into great people. You have the power to determine how strong you become by how you exercise your will. We can train you and teach you how to be good and how to be righteous, but you have to decide to obey and you have to decide that you want to become a person of godly character. God made you such a wonderful child, so I hope you will decide to do your best to become all that you can be. It is in your hands. It is yours to decide to respond, but I am praying and hoping that you will."

When we appeal to our children's hearts for excellence and choices of good behavior, then we are giving them the will and desire to be excellent all for themselves. Their desire comes from within and their motivation is from their heart. But if we train them behaviorally by always forcing them to do what we want them to do because they might get a spanking, or another kind of threatened discipline, then their motivation is to avoid spanking or harshness but not to please God or to please their parents, by having a good heart and responding in obedience.

This works itself out practically by helping them to train their wills to develop strength and self control. Our children always remember us saying all the time, "You have a choice to make. If you obey me, then you will be blessed. But if you choose to disobey me, then you are choosing disciplinary consequences that will be unpleasant." for instance, if a toddler was whining, I would say, "Mommy is allergic to a whiny voice. If you can stop whining and use a normal voice, I will listen to you. If you want to keep crying and whining, then you must go to your room and when you can calm down, I will listen to you." At which point, I would take the toddler and place them in their room in their crib.

Even our toddlers learned the self-control of calming down and responding in a normal voice--gaining control of their little spirits. Or, "If you don't get your work finished by lunch time, then you will stay in your room and work alone while the rest of the children go outside for a picnic." Or if you don't get your chores finished, then you will have to clean the whole kitchen by yourself tonight. We wanted our children to find internal motivation to obey us and to learn that there were positive and negative consequences to their choices--just like in scripture. (Now, of course, the key to this is being consistent and following through unless there are mitigating circumstances--a child is ill, exhausted, overstimulated--often because the parent led the child to be overstimulated or exhausted because of a demanding and busy schedule--sometimes the only recourse a child has is to cry or complain if they have become physically or emotionally spent because of too much activity and demands on their young body.)

However, very young children, toddlers, don't always process our wishes--sometimes when they are distracted, it takes their brain a 30 seconds to a minute to understand. We need to exhibit appropriate patience and gentleness to toddlers and babies so that they will learn to be gentle and loving. We also learned that we could distract our children to help them learn patience. "Mommy wants you to wait until I have finished talking to my friend. Here is a small cup of fruit and cheese. I would like you to sit on my lap (or in your high chair) and when you get through with your cup, it will be time for me to be finished with my work."

When we were in church or a meeting, we would talk to the kids about how long they needed to be quiet and listen-we prepared them to know what to expect before we got into a situation. Clay made a "brief-case"--each a different color--a favorite Christmas gift--for each child that traveled with them for long meetings or times in the car or waiting at the doctors. We would look for fun puzzle books or coloring books or hand toys or a little legos or car, colored pencils, sewing cards, etc. We would pull these out for the kids to use when we visited others or had a situation that would require them to wait patiently. They never got to use these other times so that they always felt special--the quiet bags!

Training our children to our expectations also helped. "We will be in the grocery store for about a half hour. Here is a cup of cheerios that you can nibble while we are inside. If you stay patient and quiet for Mom, then when we are through, I will take you to the park and we can swing for a few minutes. If you misbehave, I will have to take you home. (or whatever consequences fit the plan.)

Before we went to someone's house for dinner or before we had guests, we told the children what to expect. "Tonight, Mommy and Daddy are having some grown up friends over for dinner. We want you to serve them the rolls, Sarah; Joel, you greet them at the door and ask if you can get them a drink, and Nathan, you think of one question to ask our guest so that you can get to know them better. Let's use our best grown up manners. This means eating your meal quietly, listening to the conversation and not interrupting, and waiting until Mommy can serve you, after I have served the other adults. If you can behave and sit at the table without fussing, like grown ups, then you can stay up an extra hour tonight to play. If you interrupt us too much, you will have to go to bed at the regular time and stay in your room and play until bedtime."

Helping our children know what we expected of them in most situations before they happened gave them guidelines to follow. God was also this kind of trainer--he was very specific in the law to teach his children how to live life well and so we sought to let our children know, without fail, to know what the guidelines and expectations would define their lives.

We could gently correct them and help them develop life and relational skills gradually and systematically every day. This is what the verse means, train up a child in the way he should go---giving them patterns of life, relationships, ministry, relating to the Lord, over and over and over again, so that the patterns of righteousness we are training into their lives becomes familiar and second nature.

I am amazed now, at how naturally our children are at ministry relationships and speaking in front of crowds, etc. Each year before our conferences, we would train all of the children as to what to say to the adults they served, how to greet them, how to help them in our book store, how to set up the luncheons, and how to prepare something to speak or sing or perform for our conferees. Now, each of them, having been trained and corrected and rewarded and engaged in their parts of the conferences, added this experience to their souls and it became a natural part of their life's expression. Each step along the way did not seem like we were necessarily making great headway, but after years of consistent training and experience, they became like the lives we required them to live.

Often, I see parents reacting to their children and blasting all over them harshly or on the opposite side, because the children were just acting out what they were natural at--immaturity--but had never been given guidelines and training. Or the other extreme is parents meeting their child's every whim and finding children exhaust them.

Sometimes when people find out that Clay and I are grace-based in our approach to parenting, people assume that that means lenient and undisciplined. However, we were very idealistic and had high expectations for our children, but we instructed them through consistent training, not primarily through force and multiple spankings but through relational discipleship based training. Our philosophy also looked at each child differently--as an individual--so that we could best figure out what appealed to and reached teh heart of each child. Introverts responded differently and behaved differently than our extroverts. Boys were differently wired than our girls. Learning issues and maturity levels greatly influenced a child's ability to be mature. All factors which cause us to understand that we needed to appeal to each child's heart based on knowing the heart of each child.

No matter what philosophy we as parents have for disciplining children, we need to remember that our goal isn't primarily to make them obey, but to motivate them to obedience from a sincere and loving heart. I did always feel that if I expected them to learn self-control and the ability to work harder, I also had to be sure I was meeting their essential needs in order to expect them to perform well. I needed to give them a routine life--plenty of sleep, naps when tired, not too much over-stimulation, nutritional food, life-giving, soul-filling words--so that their bodies could support my ideals and expectations for them as a mom. If they were exhausted because of being out too late, then if they cried, I would put them to bed--they didn't need discipline, they needed to go to sleep.

Bottom line, discipline is more about relational righteousness training and taking time to instruct, train, praise and correct and strengthening a child's moral character and will through the variety of all the moments of life, than a list of rules about and mandates about when and how long to spank or punish. The Holy Spirit grants each parent wisdom how to apply Biblical principles of training to each parent according to their own puzzle and their unique children--it can look different for each family and each child, but all philosophies that focus on reaching and training the heart, have a deeper influence on the outcome of the child's soul. I have learned so much from reading scripture and pondering God's parenting of me. May He give all of us grace and skill and patience!

Blessings,

Sally (Sally@wholeheart.org)

Just an issue some moms in my group have been asking me about. Have a great week!

Warning: Detour Ahead

I so enjoyed talking and getting to know many of you precious Canadian moms in Hamilton last weekend. I hope now that you are home from the conference, your minds are still fresh with ideas, input and encouragement for your home! Sometimes when I idealize away from home and then return, I have to work a little to remember just what it was I was thinking about implementing when I got home in the midst of the fray. A number of moms asked me about how to reach and motivate their little ones and especially how to keep the heart of preteens and teens when they start drifting away. I had at least 5 or 6 conversations in private about these issues as well as several emails when I got home. I thought I would just answer these questions on my blog instead of email so that if you are in the same boat, you might also be encouraged. I have definitely not been a perfect mom, but Clay and I have learned so much and see so much of His grace to keep us going along the way. I truly love my children as best friends and companions and though so many days were irritating, the fruit of remaining under the load of these years, cultivating patience, has paid off so much more than we could have imagined!

I think it is of the utmost importance to focus on the heart of every child--not on their behavior! There is a reason that God uses heart over 800 times in scripture--guard your heart; love with your heart; the Lord looks at the heart; man commits sin in their heart; etc.

Every child has a different personality and different capacities and abilities. If we really believe we are supposed to study our children and seek to release the passions and personality and drives of their hearts so that they can pursue God's call on their lives, we will seek to be winsome, gracious, life-giving, encouraging. If behavior in their lives is our only focus, then when they are young, because we are bigger than them, we can force them to submit to us through pain or force, but we can do this and lose their heart to love and obey and have joy in following our wishes.

If, when your children are young, in the midst of training them and holding up God's ideals, you also serve them and love them unconditionally, then you will be laying a foundation for them to be willing to listen to you when they are older--preteens and teens who are beginning to pull away.

There is a mysterious point when your children (all of mine have) will no longer be a child who wants to be "mommied", but turns away toward the process of becoming an adult. No amount of seeking to retrieve the innocent years will make this new phase go away. Suddenly, it is God's time for our children to begin growing up! Until that time, there is a window of opportunity to pour in foundations of morality, truth, values, habits, character, but then, suddenly, your whole relationship with your children will hit and you know that there will be a detour ahead--a different route to go!

You want your children to grow up and move toward becoming a healthy adult. What are the symptoms? For boys and girls, there will be more frustration and tears over seemingly small issues--moodiness and attitudes that you didn't see before! "I want to do it myself." "Oh, I don't have anything to wear. I am so ugly." This is all a sign of hormones surging--it is not about how good of a mother you are, but about your children growing up. I have learned some things over the years that have helped give me entrance to their hearts.

1. Remember a gentle answer turns away wrath, as it says so well in Proverbs. I think that if we could see a ledger of how high emotions surged, we would definitely have more compassion. Sarah, who has always been a jewel of a child, (and still is!) had lots of tears--even over things as simple as "Please empty the dishwasher." She was never rebellious overtly, but everything in her life was magnified--each event was exaggerated through her new emotions. Joel, also easy going, had more attitudes and frustration seemingly out of the blue. Nate went full fledged into more extreme emotions and some anger expressed. I feel so blessed to have seen all of the kids mature into wonderful adults and I feel so close to them.

But if you find yourself in the stages of new hormones and feelings expressed through your children, now, for a moment, ask yourself the question, "When I am having a bout with hormones and anger or rage or emotions come upon me with no warning, how do I want others to behave towards me? I want them to treat me gently and to give me grace, understanding that it is not my real self. And so my teens want this from me! Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

2. Recognize that the most important desire of most teens is to be liked and desirable to kids their own age. This is not bad, it is normal. We want our children to want friends and to begin being attracted to the opposite sex! It means they are healthy and preparing for marriage. To react to them in fear and harshness is not godly. We may have fearful feelings, but our children don't want us to react to them in harshness and fear of what they might do. They are straining towards us learning to trust them and to understand them. Though they don't always talk about it, kids want to have someone safe like us to tell their deepest feelings to. If we have kept their relationship strong throughout elementary years, we will have a foundation to continue building on during the teen years.

During this phase, it is more important to hold their heart in respect and gently, than it is at this time to choose treat them as small children and to focus on their failures. There are bigger issues at hand---more temptation and pull toward the culture and other teens--even "Christian" teens who don't have any of our values.

It is about this time of life when I begin making regular effort to take my children out for a date alone occasionally. Afterall, I remember that Jesus gently talked to Peter at a dinner that he served the very night when he would fall away--and it was at a breakfast when he reinstated Peter to "feed His sheep." Food and personal time open the heart to instruction. I have the opportunity, then, to share a passage from scripture, a warning of some issues I see in lives of their friends. I try to avoid approaching them to produce guilt (unless they are in rebellion or sinning blatantly). But I keep painting God's purposes for them as young men and young women in a winsome way--"You are such a treasure. I see you making good decisions. I think God has a real purpose for your life." I know that deep inside, all of us long to fulfill God's purpose as a drive. We want to feel that we are a part of something greater--His kingdom--it is what we were created for! I tell them of my trust in them, my belief that God will use them as a light--it gives them something to live up to!

If my daughter likes clothes, I take her out to buy a t-shirt and then for a treat. I take my boys out for breakfast or for coffee. I always try to set a stage of love and acceptance. It gives me entrance into their hearts. (Sometimes these dates take place in my bedroom or out on our porch--just away from the others."

I look at John to see what Jesus said about his own disciples. In John 17, Jesus said in the high priestly prayer, "While I was with them (the disciples) I was keeping them in thy name which though hast given to me.; and I guarded them, and not one of them perished but the son of perdition, that the Scripture might be fulfilled."

I have realized that keeping them in His name means staying close to them, praying for them, being available for them--even at all odd times, so that when they want to talk (usually late at night--especially during back scratches or back rubs--that I need to be there, so that when they find themselves in any trouble temptation or danger, our personal time is already established. My children have a habit of telling us everything--everything! But this way, we don't doubt where they are or what they are doing, because we know they will tell us.

It is so tempting during these years to tire of these pushy and sometimes irritating kids, but don't stop! Don't give up and especially don't hand them over, in your weariness, to this culture. Avoid deciding that going to public school is a good option--just because you are weary. Polish your ideals and get back on track--have a rest if you want, but this is not a time to give up! The stakes are high as to what kind of scars will be made on their lives if you don't hang in there. Don't battle the small issues (taste in music) but make your battle grounds the things that really matter (morality, loving God, drugs, alcohol, bad companions.) Do what you can to take them on trips or to give them bigger arenas or jobs or make your home the place of fun--movie nights, dinners, parties.

All of this, of course, comes at a big cost-- To be this way, it costs us what it cost Jesus--everything!

I PREVIOUSLY HAD A GREAT QUOTE HERE FROM ANOTHER AUTHOR, HOWEVER, SINCE CLAY AND I DON'T SUBSCRIBE TO MOST OF HIS WRITING OR PHILOSOPHY, I REMOVED IT TO PREVENT CONFUSION. BUT I WILL JUST QUICKLY REWORD WHAT HE SAID THAT I LIKED TO GIVE THE SAME IDEA.

To follow Jesus, we must carry our cross. We must give up our lives, die to ourselves--our expectations, dreams, rights, in order to be surrendered to His kingdom and His work. This goes against the world and is not understood. To serve in this worthy battle, we must be singleminded as all good soldiers must be in a war--and give for this short time to everything that will focus on our end goal--to redeem, to win spiritual battles, to work hard, to not lose heart and to take courage and stay faithful. We are not of this world, but waiting for a time when we will spend eternity with Jesus in heaven. Therefore, we must prepare our children for this and model to them the type of sacrifice it requires from Jesus's followers to engage in the battle and to be a part of winning the war. Serving in love is the bottom line, even if it costs us our lives.

Moms, God is calling us to a work that is quite important--He will give us the strength and supply us with wisdom one day at a time. He will listen to our prayers. But most of all, we have to be willing to bend over backwards to meet needs and to encourage and to figure out a new game plan, because we are His guard in a fallen, tempting world; we are His hands and words of comfort and wisdom; and we are His voice to tell our children that we love them and believe in them, even in the midst of their immaturity. May He give grace to each of you today!