Just a little thought

Many years ago, I heard James Dobson speak about how moms used to have other moms right next door who hung the laundry outside their home and moms and grandmoms near by to talk with, share the children with, fellowship with and to have time together without having to go far away. He suggested that now we often place stress on our marriages because we want our husbands to make up for all of the needs that used to be met in local community.

God also meant for us to have community--to share the load, to use our gifts with each other so that we would not feel alone and isolated.

But how many women do you know that you can go to, who when you are with them, they make you want to love God more, fill your emotional cup up with hope, women who "get" you?

And so, we do need to cultivate and reach out and find those women who will help us to remain faithful, and to stay strong. And we need to be the kind of friend who gives hope, words of life and encouragement and unconditional love. It is an art of a civilized woman to extend the life and grace and beauty of Jesus to all who are in her wake, while filling up with the love of her friends that she has helped to create.

Off to speak to these precious women here. Have a lovely day.

If I have a friend with whom to share life, I will hold fast to my ideals

Pimen Nikitich Orlov 1845

In the past couple of weeks, I have met on a couple of different occasions with sweet women who have opened their hearts. Both, mature, loving, committed to ideals and holding fast to investing their lives in their children and marriage, but both experiencing such isolation and loneliness.

In our culture at this time in history, it is very easy to feel alone, especially when one feels called to focus her time and life on raising godly children, making a home that is the center of life and cultivating spirituality intentionally.

The pressures that come with 24 hour a day children in the home, the housework, the messes, the education of each child and the load of work associated with these ideals can deplete a woman constantly.

It is why Clay and I are seeking to develop small groups of women based around common ideals and why we are hoping to build a network of these women. We need time to laugh and love and have fun and share our deepest struggles and challenge each other to ideals--and to feel that someone in the world "gets" you, loves you and will pray for you.

My sweet friend, Andrea Birch, agreed to share a wonderful article about the need for friends, in light of these personal issues in our lives. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did. You can find her at flourishingmother.blogspot.com

Today I was feeling lonely. So I emailed one of my good friends and asked her for some words of encouragement. She was quick to respond and let me know I was loved.

Yesterday I talked with a good friend who has a 6 week old. Earlier, she had texted me and said she felt like she was “underwater”. I knew she needed encouragement so I called her and we talked about trusting the Lord with our children and learning the “art of letting go”.

This past weekend I got to spend 3 nights and 3 days with two lovely bloggers turned real life friends Aimee and Laurel. We rented a cabin in the mountains of North Carolina and just talked and ate and slept and talked and talked some more. We stayed up until 1:30 am every night talking and laughing and even crying. I came back from the weekend refreshed with a renewed purpose in my mothering role.

Mothers need friendships in their lives to encourage, uplift, refresh, and battle the loneliness that can come with our role. Because our culture is one that can devalue the high calling of motherhood, it is hard to find that everyday encouragement in our role. Often times getting together with women incites a complaining fest about husbands or children. We are hard-pressed to find women who praise us and exhort our “job”. Often times when I am out with my five children, instead of words of encouragement, I get an exasperated “God bless you!” with a hint of “why would you ever have so many children?”

For these reasons, I have to be intentional and purposeful about building a support system and really “cultivating” relationships.

Webster’s dictionary describes the word “cultivate” as this:

“to promote or improve the growth of by labor and attention”, “to devote oneself to”, “to seek to promote or foster” and “to seek the acquaintance or friendship of”. All of these definitions are very clear. “Cultivate” is not a passive activity. It is one that takes work and attention and care.

God made me, personally, as someone who longs for deep connection. Not all of us feel that need so deeply. However, God did create us for intimate relationship. First and foremost with Him, and then with each other. To say, “I don’t need those kind of friendships in my life” is essentially saying, “I don’t want to be intimate in that way.” But God created us that way! Whether you “feel” it or not, God created humans to desire and have intimacy with Him and with each other.

The mothering role is so demanding. It is quite honestly, non-stop. That is why I am using the word “cultivate” when it comes to friendships. It is a gentler way of saying “ slow down, be intentional” about the relationships and people God has put in your life. Mothers sometimes forget that they themselves need to be filled up in order so their husbands and children can receive the overflow.

Mothers need a support system in their life to really help them live the abundant life. Sally has spoken many times about the support system she has intentionally put in place because she needed it help her be a better mother. Female friendships in our life honor Him because they help us encourage each other to be the mother and person the Lord would have us be.

It is so easy to get caught up in our daily lives that we forget other people that God has intentionally placed in our lives. In order for those relationships to thrive, we must spend time and energy on them. This means consciously thinking about how we can minister to them, pray for them, help them, and just be a friend to them.

There are different kinds of friendships in our lives. A good friend of mine told me “all mothers need a mentoring friendship in their life.” Someone who has the luxury and gift of encouraging and exhorting us, who has had the experience of being a mother longer than us, and whose children are a few years older than ours. If you are that mother, whom can you mentor? If you need that mentoring relationship, then whom in your community could you ask to mentor you? This could be as simple as just meeting with this mother on a regular basis to talk about issues you may have within your home, or just get encouragement as a mother and as a Christian. Look for that person who has the luxury of solely encouraging you.

There are also ministering friendships. Friends who you know God has placed in your life for you to devote much time and energy to ministering to. These friends probably wont “give” you much, but God has placed them in your life to help and encourage. All friendships are not give and take. There are some friendships where you must be the one to “give” the most. Don’t close yourself off to people who God may be calling you to minister to.

Then there are the friends in your life who also give and take. Friends who minister to you, and who you also minister to. I love these kinds of friendships! But they are few and far between. So when you find one of those friendships, do not take it for granted! They are God’s gift to you. I have three friends like this. I know that I can call on them no matter what and they will be there for me because they love me and care about me. If I need ministering to, they know this and will do whatever they can for me. And I will do the same for them. These relationships are so beautiful and need much cultivating.

Friendships with woman can be very complicated. They can enrich your lives, but they can also hurt you deeply. It is also important to carefully consider the impact emotionally draining and hurtful relationships have in your life. You may need to “weed” out these relationships instead of cultivating them. But, God may be calling you to minister to that kind of person. But then again, He may not. Seek Him on this.

How can you cultivate friendships?

1.Reaching out. Remember; cultivate means “to devote oneself to”. Ask the Lord to show you ways to cultivate a friendship with someone.

2. Listen. Be someone who listens, not just talks. Make sure you know you are available to listen. People are not mind readers. You must tell them.

3. Help. Ask the Lord ways in which you can show love in action to friends.

4. Pray. Pray for your friends. Tell them you are praying for them. Ask them how you can pray for them. Ask them to pray for you.

5. Encourage. Support and encourage them. Tell them they are doing a great job as a mother. Praise their efforts. A little bit goes a long way!

Love covers a multitude of sin,

Love is a perfect bond of unity. Jesus loves it when we fault on the side of forgiveness, unconditional love, giving of our selves as He did to us.

I do become weary when believers embarrass the name of Christ when they publicly criticize others. Let the one who is without sin cast the first stone.

May we cultivate more and more a heart with a grid that is loving, and sees people with compassion and come to them out of the humility of our own forgiven hearts---for all the ways He has born with us.

Have a blessed day. I am off to Canada--Red Deer-and I do love my Canadian friends.

I've been thinking and pondering how it all came about

Joel, Joy and me--just before the concert.

The past few days have been so meaningful to me as a mother. When I look back on my life as a young mom, I realize that I had such hopes and ideals, but no experience in raising children and had to rely totally on faith and wisdom that I gained from following the Lord.

I desired to write some of thoughts quickly before I am off to an Easter performance of my girls at church tonight. I want so to encourage those of you who are in the trenches. Your labor of love as a mother matters so much.

Before I went to Boston, I had been reading the new version that Clay just completed of Educating the Whole Hearted Child. It will be 384 pages, filled with gleanings from our family life over the past 28 years. For me, it was a sort of nostalgic review of my years as a mother. This book  has reminded me that our lives were so very intentional, not happenstance, but built on foundations of wisdom that the Lord opened up to us in scripture and through our times of pondering His ways for us as a family.

Yet, it was also built on faith and obedience in following what He was writing on our hearts.

Boston, on top of this, was a pinnacle for me as a mother. That giving up my life, my time, my hours and love was not only a sacrifice of love for Him, but was ultimately so very fulfilling. But seeing Joel thrive amongst his peers, his friends in his house, his church friends and at work, was so affirming to me personally, to know that my labor of love was not in vain.

How could I have known when I was rocking my sweet baby asleep, what potential lay in his soul? How could I have known that greatness and integrity was resting inside his very being, in this tiny baby when he was born?

And yet, I knew that God would have me be a steward of his life--to do my  best to train his soul to embrace godly character. I read constantly to him to challenge his mind. I exposed him to great artists and musicians. Stories of heroes and brave scenarios from the Bible filled every morning as we all sat squished together on a couch to read of the lives of people who had invested meaningfully in history, by the giving of their lives to God's kingdom purposes.

"I wonder what work God has created you for?" was a mantra. "God has a work for you to do in this world. He uses normal people who have willing hearts to bring Himself glory. All it takes is a willing heart, faith and hard work."

Some sweet friends were talking to me this week about how I cultivated these visions in Sarah as an author; Joel as a composer, Nathan as an actor and writer in Hollywood, and Joy as a young aspiring idealist. And how they have held fast to their faith.

It was years and years and years of hard work, day in day out, holding fast to my ideals, teaching about my Jesus; correcting, loving, talking, training, educating and then doing it over and over again.

It was seeking to look not at my own inadequacies, but asking God to be present and to work according to His strength and ways and depending on Him to fill in the cracks.

Discouragement, a normal part. Loneliness, a regular companion. Being overwhelmed and not feeling like I could go on, a common occurrence.

Yet, God led me to these ideals and I knew that to give up on my ideals would be to give up on God's calling on my life. And so love for Him, and sheer obedience led to a life of faithfulness. Not perfection, but faithfulness and stepping out in faith again and again.

Greatness of soul is wrought through many years of battling for the souls of our children and holding fast to ideals no matter what and no matter who criticizes.

It is not about the right curriculum, it is about basing life on God and His truth and then seeking it daily in all of the moments and celebrating this life together.

And so, being at that place of reaping is so very deeply satisfying. God was listening. God was at work. We were not perfect, but like Jacob, we held on and said, "I will not let go until you bless me."

Consequently, I can't even begin to describe what it was like last night to hear my son, Joel's, music performed by professionals in a concert hall in Boston. I had never heard his pieces. I saw a professional pianist, one skilled from many years of playing professionally, was shaking as he approached the piano to play Joel's piece. It was quite complex and very difficult to play and had 3 movements. The complexity and variation and harmonies and mood-filled innuendos and rich, colorful passages were honestly beyond my imagination. How could my child, my first son, my gentle, hard-working son have come out with such amazing music? I was literally amazed.

One of the professors who was in the crowd, cried out after one of the pieces, "Who wrote this piece? I think he should stand up!"

Joel quietly and humbly stood a little and waved his hand to the audience and all around cheered, yelled and clapped and sent out "Bravos!" It was an amazing moment to him, who was most surprised.

It was quite a compelling moment for me as a mother and will be etched in my mind.

Later the two profs were talking to Joel and exhorted him to stand up to the gifts and talent he had been given and to understand that people delighted in knowing about the artists who created such compositions, not just in listening to the music.

And all of this began, when a tiny little baby was placed into my arms and God said, "He is a gift from me. Teach him truth, love, righteousness, hard work, skill and teach him of me. It is a great work I have called you to accomplish."

And so living long enough, I have seen the faithfulness of God. May I depend on Him for the next 25 years and imagine in the power of His Holy spirit was He would have me follow Him into.

My heart is filled with praise and gratitude, that by His mercy and miraculous ways, He kept me going, kept me in His hands, kept working even when I could not see the end.

Joel and some of his friends on stage after the concert. Blessings and blessings of His grace to you, Joel. I love you!

Tonight in Boston, featuring the original music of Joel Clarkson!

Joel, 24, was chosen as one of three composers of the year from amongst his professors at Berklee School of Music.

Joy and I are here celebrating his life and accomplishments with him, amidst chattering, eating at a classic Italian Restaurant on the North side; piling all three of us in our hotel bed to chat, watch a movie and be friends. And I keep sneaking peaks at him, marveling that this is my son, he is so fine, so wonderful, so amazing and so thoughtful. (After all, I am his mother!)

Here is what they printed of Joel in the concert program:

Joel Clarkson was born in Vienna, Austria. Just like the great figures of musical history associated with his city of birth, Joel showed a strong affinity for music and harmony at a very young age. He spent his childhood in an artistically-bent home environment that exposed him to a wide range of musical influences, both from the classical repertoire, and from contemporary genres. He began participating in professional music and theatre at a young age, from a lead role in a seasonal production with the Texas Amphitheatre, to a spot with the Texas Boys Choir. Joel continued in his teenage years to self-instruct himself on multiple instruments, including the piano and guitar, and worked out that pursuit through various performance opportunities. In 2009, Joel enrolled at Berklee College of Music. Throughout his time at Berklee, Joel quickly gained favor, appearing on the Dean’s list numerous times, and in 2010 was the recipient of the Berklee Achievement Award. During his studies, Joel also released two full-length instrumental recordings of his original pieces.  In the Fall of 2010, he began a Composer Residency, working with students at Lexington High School. Joel is excited to prospectively graduate from Berklee in the Spring of 2011, with a degree in Composition.

You may hear a movement from one of the pieces being performed by placing your curser on the songs below. The second is a song from his second album. (Takes a while to load.)

Out of Silence, for Piano Trio

Walking In Knyghtwood

Can't wait for this evening with my precious son! So proud of him!

Words of Life shape hearts that believe

Austrian wax heart

“"If you wish to make an impact for one year, plant corn; if you wish to make an impact for a generation, plant a tree; if you wish to make an impact for eternity, educate a child." anon

Words have the ability to inspire or to depress; to make one happy and feel validated or to deplete and discourage. When we live with our children day after day, we either build an inheritance, a treasure chest of inspiration, confidence, validation or memories of anger, criticism, while storing up in their souls hostility, insecurity, bitterness.

There should be some words our children never, never hear. We should write down a commitment, a non-negotiable of things we will never say to our family. "I hate you." "You make me sick." "I wish you had never been born."

Words go deep into the soul and memory. But words can also build a legacy of faith, goodness, hope, confidence.

"I am so very blessed to have you as my child." "I adore you. You are so funny." (precious, wonderful, delightful, talented, intelligent, spiritual, clever, thoughtful)

Your words will have a great deal to do with whether your children believe in your God, your faith. Your words are many--make them arrows of life.

At my Dallas conference this year, a sweet friend, Kat, shared a wonderful, inspiring example of this concept. You will  love this article and love her blog, as she is an encouragement to so many. It is very practical and will give you great ideas about how to put good words into place. Enjoy!

You can find Kat  and her wonderful blog at: http://inspiredtoaction.com/

Do you wake up TO your kids or FOR your kids? I used to wake up grumpy. And bothered. And annoyed. And a whole lot of other synonyms for c-r-a-n-k-y.

Why? Because I was consistently yanked from my quiet, peaceful, cozy sleep by children dive bombing onto my bed and drilling me with questions:

"Mommy, mommy!!!!! Can I get some Cheerios?"

"Mommy, mommy!!!!! I need to go potty!!!"

"Mommy, mommy!!! She took my toy!!"

I woke up on the defensive every morning and I spent the first hour of the day just trying to get back to neutral ground. Somedays I never recovered and spent the entire day in grouchy-land.

I knew something had to change.

I decided it was time to stop waking up TO my kids and time to start waking up FOR them.

THE TRANSFORMATION So I began getting up BEFORE my kids. I spent time reading the word, worshipping and praying for my husband and children.

It transformed me and our home.

Taking that time to let God encourage me and envision me changed the outlook for my days. When my attitude changed, my children's attitudes changed.

Sometimes I'd even share with them the things I had prayed for them that morning.

To my 8 year old daughter: "Good morning precious! You know, this morning, I thanked God for your passion for His Word. I love how you  enjoy reading the Bible. You inspire me. This morning I prayed that you would always have a passion for His Truth."

To my 6 year old daughter: "Good morning lovely! You know, I'm so proud of you. Yesterday, I saw how you helped your brother and how you spent most of your afternoon trying to teach him to read. You have so much compassion. This morning I prayed that God would use your gift of compassion in amazing ways.

To my 3 year old boy: "Good morning, my little man!!! You look so big and strong today! This morning I prayed that you would be a super hero for Jesus!!! I prayed that He would use you to fight for those in need. I prayed that you would grow up to be a man of justice."

Now I don't always say things like that to them each morning, but that time with the Lord puts that perspective and vision in my heart for them.

When I woke up TO my children I started the day cranky.

When I woke up FOR my children I started the day cheering them on.

If you were my child, which version of me would you want?

HOW DO YOU WAKE UP? What kind of mom are you in the morning? What kind of mom do you think your kids want?

Even just 5 minutes of focusing on Jesus and praying for our kids can make a huge difference.

So let's make friends with our alarm clocks. Let's stop getting up TO our children and start getting up FOR them. Not sure what to pray for your kids? Here is a free prayer calendar that features a different prayer topic for each day of the month.

http://www.inspiredtoaction.com/wp-content/uploads/kat/I2A_Prayer_Calendar.pdf

TIME TO TAKE ACTION What time do you need to set your alarm clock for in order to wake up FOR your children?

You gotta keep a sense of humor or you won't make it

Joy said, "Mom, show me a stress face."

A few years ago, we fell into bed as we returned home from 4 national conferences. Suitcases full of dirty clothes, mail piled high, a general disarray in our home. I, with tear filled eyes, simpered into the den where my children were lounging on couches and said, "We have to get this house cleaned up. I know it will take a lot of work and none of us feel like it, but it's got to be done."

6'-5", gentle Joel, put his arm around my shoulders gently and said, "Mom, we know the routine. We can get it cleaned up and then it will just get messy again and then we will clean it up again. But when you are sad, we feel guilty. So lighten up, Mom, and we can all be happy, cause when you are happy we feel good,  and we will still get it all done."

How true. Lighten up. It isn't that big of a deal. Practicing celebrating life, putting on loud music while cleaning, choosing to smile and laugh and be gentle and asking forgiveness if it was blown--all in the life of a house full of sweet sinful, flawed, but darling people. As Joel says, it is all just going to happen again.

And so, these many years later, I still need to remember his admonition, even though he isn't here.

Today I have, done a whole year of business expenses to turn in for reimbursement; arranged for 3  medical tests to be ordered; selected graduation invitations for Joel and Joy, both graduating; helped Sarah arrange a trip coming up and figure out the places and how to pay for it; taken Joy to the Community College to take an accuplacer test--(Please Lord, help her at this moment to get all the answers right!), stopped for  a mug of coffee at my local favorite place, (Wesley Owens), put together a packing list for Saturday when we leave for a trip early in the morning; and still have lots I have not gotten to...........

Tomorrow is Joy's graduation banquet for her and all of her friends where I will work and then we will go together on a plane the next day, so I can have my own graduation weekend just with her.

But God prompted me to stop and look at what is obvious--4 children who love us and love the Lord, a long-suffering husband, plenty to eat, a warm bed (I love my bed), His presence and knowledge of HIs love and Fatherhood and desire to take care of me; a beautiful spring day and ability to see the snow-covered mountains as I take my daily 2 mile walk.

When I stand back to make a list of all the ways I am blessed, my heart eases and my spirit fills with gratefulness--but I needed that moment to consider, to count my blessings over my cup of coffee--it was essential.

And so, the rest of the day, I will "lighten up" in order to make it through it all with grace. Hope you are all faring well and enjoying this spring day.

Thanks for your patience with me and all of you who are praying. I so appreciate you and love you with all of my heart!

Walking through soul-darkness

There are times for each of us when it appears that all light, all hope, all answers, all strength, all is quickly fading, all hope is eeking out of our lives and we can do nothing to stop the darkness from coming.  It is a wilderness of soul when we feel that we are at an impass and do not know what to do or where to go. We are tempted to think that we cannot go one step more. We are tempted to think that the Lord has abandoned us.

God led Abraham into the wilderness where he was asked to sacrifice, to kill his only, beloved son--the one for whom he had prayed and waited for years and years.

Joseph was brought unjustly into prison after being falsely accused of immorality by a devious woman. He was left there for 10 years.

Moses kept sheep and wandered the wilderness for 40 years before he became the one who would lead the nation of Israel out of slavery.

Jesus was led into the wilderness to be tempted.

There is a mysterious value from heaven's point of view to being in the darkness of life and still choosing to believe in a God who seems to have forgotten us. Darkness is part of the school for the soul, to delve into what really matters. To put away all that is frivolous or vain and to sift through what really matters. When we are desperate, we are serious, focussed on what life is all about, what He is all about.

Isaiah reminds us that some darkness is allowed by God, and does not mean He has abandoned us.

Who is among you that fears the LORD, That obeys the voice of His servant, That walks in darkness and has no light? Let him trust in the name of the LORD and rely on his God. Isaiah 50: 10

Wait....in the darkness. Be still in the darkness. Submit in the darkness.

This passage is interesting because it is suggests the one who is in the darkness is one of God's faithful--one who loves, fears, obeys the Lord --He is the one who is in darkness.

Even in this darkness, God tells us what to do---trust in the name of the Lord our God and rely on Him.

But, when we find ourselves in this place, we see ourselves for what we really are. Our souls are laid bare. We see our limitations, our vulnerability, our weakness, our inability to do anything to save ourselves.

Our works will not help us. We do not have righteousness of our own. Our own strength cannot save us. We will only be saved, if by the mercy of God, He chooses to work and redeem us and restore us.

The situation for each one might be different: a broken marriage, a prodigal or impossible child; financial issues; loneliness; failure, deep soul wounds and rejection at the hands of those who we thought we needed to love us; broken dreams.

Whatever the situation, we feel alone, unnoticed, helpless.

Just the place where God can teach us to rely on Him. He so desires to be the one who fulfills our greatest longings. He wants us to know His voice of guidance, purpose, love and mercy.

I have seen that all of those in my life who are the wisest, truest, most spiritually real and deep, in humility and gentleness seem to really know their savior,  have had to walk through many such times of doubt, many such times of testing. And yet, when they have lived through it, they are deeper, more aware of their need for God, more thankful for His mercy,

more focussed on eternity, more compassionate towards those who are lost, more humble in their demeanor.

God is not cruel and he can't be tempted by evil. He is always loving us, watching over us, willing His pleasure and strength. But if we are to be His warriors, we must learn to trust only in Him.

Darkness leads to humility--dependence on Him. Humility leads to developing a dependence on the Holy Spirit, which leads to spiritual strength.And that is the only place real righteousness and strength can come from is from Him.

Sometimes, in all of our efforts to control life and to accomplish our works, we subtly think our success depends on ourselves. Our happiness can be found by striving enough.

And so a  loving Father must bring us to our own limitations, so that we can live above our mere worldly focus and become more familiar with His strength and mercy and love and ways.

Without Him, I have no hope, no formula, no ability to live in this futile world.

With Him, and in the depths of the reality of the spiritual world, I find a peace and beauty and mercy I could not have had by seeking to provide it myself. He so longs to be close to us, to whisper His love and goodness and purposes into our ears. But sometimes, He must stop us in our tracks to make us be silent, to make us sit still so that we will focus on Him.

I am a spiritual wimp. I do not like to wait, I do not like patience. I do not submit naturally. But, as a good Father, he holds my hand and leads me to what is really true, and in the end I am thankful.

I have been walking through some darkness with my precious children, each one in his or her own way, seeking answers to the mysteries of their own lives. It is hard for me to walk through--even harder to see them have to walk through. And yet, if I desire them to be holy, I must let him have His way. I know this post is long, but perhaps some of you are in this place and will be ministered by our own life process.

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My precious daughter, Sarah, has been going through such a time and wrote about it. I have copied it here:

Perhaps some of you would want to encourage her and pray for her as she walks through her own journey with the Lord.

You can comment on her blog at: thoroughlyalive.com

From Sarah:

The day out my window is clear and bright. The wind rushes, mad-eyed, desperate, to catch the fairy child whose touch is coaxing green from the browned old trees with their withered arms. I sit here in my chair, with daffodils on the window sill, with blue sky flooding my eyes, and I am silent. I watch, I breathe, I pray. My Bible is open on my lap, Psalms staring up at me, their pages creased from many years of mornings just like this. I cannot count the number of times I have sat in this chair, hoping for some good, praying for an answer to a miracle with only the sky out my window for comfort. Today, I wait again.

You see, I got some news this week that greatly discouraged me. We all have prayers we carry around, jingling in our pockets, always hoping for a “yes” to finally fall from the sky and free us from the long, shuffling walk of waiting. When the answer is “no,” or seems to be, it’s a dreadful thing. And I mean that literally; the “no” to my prayer this week filled me with a sense of doom as to my future, a confusion that sapped the energy from my bones and made me want to retreat into the darkest corner of my closet. And maybe not come out for awhile.

For two days, I teetered between a mad resolve to answer my loss with new grit-teethed trust, a new dream, a new faith, or on the other hand, an absolute, bleary-eyed bewilderment as to how on earth to take another step forward. There is a black-and-white spirit in me though that pushes me to the decide, even now, what I think about God. The thing is, God is either the good and beautiful one I have always hoped him to be, either he creates light in my darkness and life in my void, is tender, kind, and with me in ways I cannot comprehend, or… he’s not. There’s no in between. If I came to the point where I believed, truly, that God did not care, I don’t know what else I’d want to do but expire on the spot.

So I came to my room today, opened to those Psalms because I needed some grace by which to hold to my trust in him. I don’t understand why this closed door came, I don’t know why I must struggle with health, I don’t know why the beloved ones around me must walk long years in hard times. Who knows what battles rage in the heavens. Who knows what darkness resists our persistent faith in God. All I knew today, was that I must find the way to walk on in a blind, but sure faith. So I opened to my good old Psalms and found this:

God sent from on high, He drew me out of many waters He delivered me from my strong enemy, from those who hated me… The Lord was my stay. He brought me forth also into a broad place; He rescued me, because he delighted in me. The Lord saves an afflicted people… You light my lamp; The Lord my God illumines my darkness… For who is a rock, except our God?

Who indeed. This is the truth that is the breath in my lungs today. This is the hope by which I will endure every weary minute, and by which I will rebuild my dreams. This is the life that will seep into the quiet minutes of these long, windy mornings, when I wonder if I am alone, to whisper, whisper, God with us, Immanuel. So the silence in which this blue, spring minute finds me, is one of rest. Spring leaps from branch to sky outside, and even into my heart, because God, beloved God, illumines my darkness and holds me by the hand.

May you be blessed this lovely day.

How comforting to know that after the night, the brightness of the full day will come, the light will eventually dawn. Our darkness will be turned to light, He is with us. He light will be forever and ever the same throughout eternity.

Jesus is the light of the dawn.

How much adrenalin can one mother sustain?

Just realizing that I raised my children to be kingdom oriented, to dream of what they could do in the power of the Holy Spirit in their life time. We read of heroes, of grand adventures, of virtue, of faith, of holding on to all that is true.

And now with arenas in Hollywood and parts and jobs and money and concerts and book tours and education and futures and performances, and senior banquets and Hollywood, Boston, New York and Chicago and contracts and ideas and dreams----

I am exhausted just from all the possibilities and relationships and issues and life--by keeping abreast with helping all of them through these issues.

But, how worthwhile to see the foundations mattered. The dreams began as we read books every day, feasted together and discussed life every night, dreamed lived by faith, whispered dreams into their little minds.

It all started when they talked of being superman, an astronaut, Dickens, Mozart. They were listening. They were dreaming. They were already planning to live by faith.

And now, they are keeping me exhausted just keeping up with them and supporting them in all of these ways.

Off to a movie, lunch and more of life with these dreaming ones.

Today, those living right in front of me.......

My family, my inner circle friends who are here for me during the ups and downs, who share secrets, fears, hopes and funnies-who I have shared years and years of life and stories and growing up of our children--through health issues, job losses, financial struggles, hurt feelings, lots and lots of fun and laughter-

Those that God has strategically placed into my life, these today, living right in the warp and woof of my life, in front of me, are those that God would have me love, serve and minister to right now. These are where I need to invest.  How easy it is with some of the media and books and messages that are popular to think that somehow doing something great, or going overseas, or coming back home, or doing something to be noticed by men, or, or, or, must be a better way to serve God or to make my life meaningful.

Yet, these are here in my life today---to teach me a lesson, to give me hope, to offer me an opportunity to listen, to see God's handprint in my moments, to receive love.

They are more important than writing one more blog post, having a  clean and orderly house, washed clothes or dishes, or getting more sleep or privacy. These are the gifts of God, the real live flesh and blood people who He has allowed in my inner circle who will be the real measure of my integrity and work, and who may not be here next year.

And so as God has opened my eyes to this anew,

I am hearing funny stories

ministry plans and books to be written

listening to dreams of romance--from all 4 of my children

dreams of life

quiet times and prayer needs and doubts and convictions

I am looking into eyes bright and trusting and eyes that have shed tears  and eyes that have sparkled with enthusiasm and irritation and I am present in my will and heart to really see what is behind those eyes.

I am listening to what God has spoken to and through my friends when they were reading their Bibles

I am eating spaghetti, homemade bread, petit fours--strawberry, pineapple, almond-chocolate

sharing cappacinos

walking 2 miles every day while talking, talking, talking and settling the world's problems and looking at the grand mountains ahead

talking to Nathan every day about life, his writing, jobs, daily events, fun stories, answered prayer and praying with him on the phone

hearing about Joel's pianist, posters, professors, getting excited about his concert, things he is learning about himself, God, enjoying being his confident and friend

making more plane arrangements, again and hotel--but this time for celebrating big moments to remember--milestones and God's goodness

Seeing Clay's sacrifice for our family, seeing his book be finished, hearing his plans, sharing his burdens

Just stopping to try to see what He is doing, how He wants me to be in this present moment, not frittering away the days that may never come again for pipe dreams where there is more rest or ease of life